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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Coming Out Tavern - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    Coming Out Tavern - OWC  (currently 2802 views)
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 8:35am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Coming Out Tavern by 0 - Short - Scott, a drinker, believes he's a time traveler who visits yesteryear's bars to escape his society's prohibition of alcohol. His new drinking companion Gregory faces the consequences of Scott's behavior.   - pdf, format

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Posted: January 11th, 2014, 9:35am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator

Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Upstate NY
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Well, that was a weird one. Unless these guys are foreigners, then I'd say you need to clean up some of the dialogue. Sounds like two Russian guys speaking at times. However, in places, I thought your dialogue was very good. It got a bit wordy over the first five pages or so, but it never really lost my interest.

Where I got majorly confused is with Mrs. Dorner when Gregory travels back. It seemed, along with the montage, that things got a bit convoluted and hard to follow. For me, at least. But you seem to have stuck to the parameters of the challenge, and like I said, I liked your dialogue a lot.

I guess gay, time travel love stories are just not my thing! And it could have been a little clearer towards the end. Good effort overall, though. Congrats on getting this done.


Revision History (1 edits)
StevenClark  -  January 11th, 2014, 10:03am
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irish eyes
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:04am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Upstate New York
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First off congrats on entering the OWC

Loglines are usually difficult, mostly because peeps forget about them until they submit their script. Yours needs to be toned down, lose the names too, nobody knows who Scott and Gregory are.

page 3
"He takes out the bill, proves its genuineness, and puts it
into his wallet."... Does Gregory take it out and put it in his own pocket?

Page 3

No, I'm not gay. I had a
girl. She broke up. ... very unnatural dialogue

by page 4 I can't figure out if Scott is a time traveler or a robot

A few missing words and some bad grammar  makes it a harder of a read.

up until page  9 and now I'm bored... they haven't left the bar or their bar stools and it's the same conversation back and forth with a lot of drink

Page 9 woohoo a different scene and I'm sure APARTMENTBUILDING  is not one word.

Keep slugs consistent


Keep it at Gregory's apartment.

If the old lady is called Mrs. Dorner, why not name her MRS DORNER ?

page 11

INT. CORRIDOR – (ANOTHER) APPARTMENTBUILDING - DAY ... bad spelling and incorrect

The first 6 actions on page 11 all start with Gregory... try to be a little more creative.

page 12

Gregory, wears his new black bespoke-suit, comes inside the
empty bar...     enters the bar..." comes inside" is a for a different movie

You're looking excellent,
Mister. It seems you're
problems are solved... your

Finished it, I think.

I'm sorry but it was extremely hard to grasp the storyline, I had to go back and forth over pages just to understand what you wrote.
by the end of it i'm just completely lost, maybe I haven't had my coffee yet.
Is Scott from the 1920's prohibition if so, google some slang from the era and sprinkle it in.
I might need to read it again

Either way you entered in the OWC and that is something to be proud of.


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Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:07am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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I liked it at the beginning - you started explaining time travel stuff and that Scott person sounds all quirky.

Don't know why he would mention he's gay to a stranger all of the sudden.

Their time travel talk is too long. I'd prefer you shorten it to about, I don't know, 2 pages maybe. Otherwise it takes up forever. And I don't understand a thing - so a bit of clarity won't hurt, I guess.
Then it got complicated. THe gay thing surfaces and I lost all the clues. Who's Timmy, why would Scott be sudenly interested in Gregory's love life etc. I'm thinking you need to restructure your short.

It's got potential - I like the idea here - Scott had a chance to watch Gregory in the past and now he wants to help him. Am I right?

But for me this order of narrative doesn't work.
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Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:29am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Belfast, Ireland
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I liked it but it didn't really do it for me.  I prefer the way it starts to how you conclude everything.  I deffo think that your explanation of time travel went on for far too long.  It could have been shortened way down, but I understand maybe you were stuck for time.  

The setting kind of bored me a lot.  It just dragged.  However, I liked Scott and his personality.  He's an interesting character, I just didn't grip him towards the end.  

Overall though, a tad confusing!  Good effort though  I'd love if the writer rewrote this to make it more clear of what was actually happening and resubmitted it


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

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Posted: January 11th, 2014, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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I'm sorry, but this thing is a disaster on pretty much every level imaginable.

The writing is very poor.  Sentence structure, grammar, word choice, etc, all very, very poor...almost reads like a pisser at times.

Dialogue is also very poorly done.  These 2 speak like robots or foreigners.  It's so bad that again, at times, it seems like a pisser.

Story-wise?  I'm pretty clueless, to be honest.  Gay love, pounding down liquor like it's going out of style, Timmy, Mrs. Dorner, pissing?  I got very little out of this, other than an occasional chuckle and many eye rolls and What the Fucks escaping my lips.

But you know what?  I stuck with it and read every page, as I'll attempt to do for all the entries.

I don't mean to be a dick or sound overly harsh, but the reality is that this is a mess and so poorly written and executed.  Congrats on entering and finishing a script in this very difficult challenge.    

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: January 11th, 2014, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

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I can't read this one. I'm afraid I'm out at page 2. This is the line that took me out:


Gregory breaks free from the grasp. Scott's look turns
peacefully away, focuses the fresh drinks at the bar.

Page 1 was fine really, maybe one typo. Then it started to fall apart. Maybe English is your second language and I apologise for not being able to finish, but I prefer easy reads where I don't have to decipher anything.

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Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:04pm Report to Moderator

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This was kind of dull.  Talk-fest.  Nothing exciting happened.  The effects weren't that major or serious.

Not my cup of joe.

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Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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This one wasn't for me.

I liked the story you were trying to portray, but it all got lost in very hard to read description. I got completely lost halfway through and was wondering what the hell was going on.

Plus there were a lot of 'talking head' scenes with just Gregory and Scott. They weren't doing anything, but talking and drinking for the most part.

Good effort though. Stick at it.

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Last Fountain
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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A personal tale of self discovery. This was different. The romantic take was unique.

I wish you showed the future though.  We only get a brief mention during dialogue. Maybe flashbacks to his life in future would help. And we could know why he needs to drink. Is something bothering him? Is in the same predicament,  so he relates?

I think flashbacks (forwards) would help keep things moving and create a lot more intrigue. The opening scene went on too long. Which I wouldn't mind, if the dialogue was more interesting. Maybe some conversation including doubt. Like maybe he needs to be convinced to believe in time travel. Then again, it's a bar.

Better pacing and dialogue, along with more "show" would help this interesting emotional and personal journey.

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Mr. Blonde
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator

What good are choices if they're all bad?

Nowhere special.
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Yeah, I have to echo others' sentiments regarding this one. Just not a strong entry. A lot of grammatical and spelling issues that work in tandem with a script that is 100% dialogue. I mean, this was exposition on top of exposition. There's nothing wrong with all-dialogue scripts (I enjoy them), but that dialogue has to be worth reading. Here, it honestly wasn't. A forgettable entry.


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Posted: January 12th, 2014, 10:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
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So, Scott, a drunken Time-Traveler, meet Gregory who's gay and in denial. Scott eventually helps to put Gregory into contact with his first-love - Tim, over whom Gregory once got a stiffy when they shared a tent.

Scott then gets a guilt-complex because he shouldn't use his time travelling skills for this kinda thing, but he's happy that Greg's happy.

Yeah. Gay time travel. Didn't think of that. Can't think why. The Coming Out Tavern: where all the best gay time travelers go.

Not too sure what else to say to be honest. Congrats on getting something in? A script I mean.
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Posted: January 12th, 2014, 9:38pm Report to Moderator

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Dialogue boxes seem to be a little smaller than they should be.

I'm at page 7 so far and literally nothing has happened so far. I'm in awe at how it's going to be possible for this to be dragged to 15.

"Gregory can't piss anymore." lol

"Gregory! It's me, Timmy. I love you and always will. We can start a life, together, if you want to!"  Damn it, Timmy, you psychopath, you've been stalking him for decades now?

Well, uh, it would be an understatement if I said this needed work since, being honest here, I don't think the story works in any way at the moment. Not a lot makes sense and most of it just gives you a good laugh. This needs a lot of rewriting. Good luck.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

The effects of writing again....

The Island of Jersey
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Coming out tavern

I quite like the title. The logline is slightly less appealing

Man, by page nine I wouldn't be able to talk anymore!!

I have to say this lost me for a while and whilst Gregory was going around I want quite sure whether he had travelled, or could travel etc

The Timmy angle, whilst different to have a same sex relationship mentioned, seemed a little weak, as we never saw it, or them etc

Mind you, the idea of the drunk at the bar being a time traveler resonates in some way

All the best

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Posted: January 13th, 2014, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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Like Dustin, I suspect ESL is at work here. It makes it hard to pull the story from the writing.

The opening scene does go on for too long and time travel may have been over explained. That being said I was intrigued by the explanation, even if I didn’t entirely get it. You actually got me thinking about time travel in a new way, in a realistic way, but I’m not sure if that’s what you put on the page or just what I took from it.

The middle section with all the “APARTMENTBUILDING” slugs is very confusing.

‘SCOTT: Finish peeing… GREG: I can’t…. SCOTT: I know. That’s why I’m here’  Unless that’s supposed to be hilarious…  

The whole Timmy thing seemed to come out of nowhere and should’ve been better established in the beginning.

All that said I can tell there’s a unique take on the criteria going on here. A story about personal discovery and second chances in bar where time travelers get hammered. I can’t imagine I’ll see another version of this in the other entrants. I also detect a certain level of sincerity in this tale, and I appreciate that.

Congrats on completing the OWC
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