SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 25th, 2019, 11:07pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Coming Out Tavern - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Coming Out Tavern - OWC  (currently 2720 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 8:35am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13198
Posts Per Day
1.94
Coming Out Tavern by 0 - Short - Scott, a drinker, believes he's a time traveler who visits yesteryear's bars to escape his society's prohibition of alcohol. His new drinking companion Gregory faces the consequences of Scott's behavior.   - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
StevenClark
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 9:35am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1861
Posts Per Day
0.78
Writer,

Well, that was a weird one. Unless these guys are foreigners, then I'd say you need to clean up some of the dialogue. Sounds like two Russian guys speaking at times. However, in places, I thought your dialogue was very good. It got a bit wordy over the first five pages or so, but it never really lost my interest.

Where I got majorly confused is with Mrs. Dorner when Gregory travels back. It seemed, along with the montage, that things got a bit convoluted and hard to follow. For me, at least. But you seem to have stuck to the parameters of the challenge, and like I said, I liked your dialogue a lot.

I guess gay, time travel love stories are just not my thing! And it could have been a little clearer towards the end. Good effort overall, though. Congrats on getting this done.

Steve



Revision History (1 edits)
StevenClark  -  January 11th, 2014, 10:03am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 20
irish eyes
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:04am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1672
Posts Per Day
0.49
First off congrats on entering the OWC

Loglines are usually difficult, mostly because peeps forget about them until they submit their script. Yours needs to be toned down, lose the names too, nobody knows who Scott and Gregory are.

page 3
"He takes out the bill, proves its genuineness, and puts it
into his wallet."... Does Gregory take it out and put it in his own pocket?

Page 3
GREGORY becomes GREGORTY

No, I'm not gay. I had a
girl. She broke up. ... very unnatural dialogue

by page 4 I can't figure out if Scott is a time traveler or a robot

A few missing words and some bad grammar  makes it a harder of a read.

up until page  9 and now I'm bored... they haven't left the bar or their bar stools and it's the same conversation back and forth with a lot of drink

Page 9 woohoo a different scene and I'm sure APARTMENTBUILDING  is not one word.

Keep slugs consistent

One minute it INT. BATHROOM – APARTMENT - DAY  then it's INT. LIVING ROOM – GREGORY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Keep it at Gregory's apartment.

If the old lady is called Mrs. Dorner, why not name her MRS DORNER ?

page 11

INT. CORRIDOR – (ANOTHER) APPARTMENTBUILDING - DAY ... bad spelling and incorrect

The first 6 actions on page 11 all start with Gregory... try to be a little more creative.

page 12

Gregory, wears his new black bespoke-suit, comes inside the
empty bar...     enters the bar..." comes inside" is a for a different movie

BARKEEPER
You're looking excellent,
Mister. It seems you're
problems are solved... your

Finished it, I think.

I'm sorry but it was extremely hard to grasp the storyline, I had to go back and forth over pages just to understand what you wrote.
by the end of it i'm just completely lost, maybe I haven't had my coffee yet.
Is Scott from the 1920's prohibition if so, google some slang from the era and sprinkle it in.
I might need to read it again

Either way you entered in the OWC and that is something to be proud of.

Mark







Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
khamanna
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:07am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.88
I liked it at the beginning - you started explaining time travel stuff and that Scott person sounds all quirky.

Don't know why he would mention he's gay to a stranger all of the sudden.

Their time travel talk is too long. I'd prefer you shorten it to about, I don't know, 2 pages maybe. Otherwise it takes up forever. And I don't understand a thing - so a bit of clarity won't hurt, I guess.
Then it got complicated. THe gay thing surfaces and I lost all the clues. Who's Timmy, why would Scott be sudenly interested in Gregory's love life etc. I'm thinking you need to restructure your short.

It's got potential - I like the idea here - Scott had a chance to watch Gregory in the past and now he wants to help him. Am I right?

But for me this order of narrative doesn't work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
AmbitionIsKey
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:29am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Belfast, Ireland
Posts
378
Posts Per Day
0.15
I liked it but it didn't really do it for me.  I prefer the way it starts to how you conclude everything.  I deffo think that your explanation of time travel went on for far too long.  It could have been shortened way down, but I understand maybe you were stuck for time.  

The setting kind of bored me a lot.  It just dragged.  However, I liked Scott and his personality.  He's an interesting character, I just didn't grip him towards the end.  

Overall though, a tad confusing!  Good effort though  I'd love if the writer rewrote this to make it more clear of what was actually happening and resubmitted it

Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 20
Dreamscale
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11024
Posts Per Day
2.57
I'm sorry, but this thing is a disaster on pretty much every level imaginable.

The writing is very poor.  Sentence structure, grammar, word choice, etc, all very, very poor...almost reads like a pisser at times.

Dialogue is also very poorly done.  These 2 speak like robots or foreigners.  It's so bad that again, at times, it seems like a pisser.

Story-wise?  I'm pretty clueless, to be honest.  Gay love, pounding down liquor like it's going out of style, Timmy, Mrs. Dorner, pissing?  I got very little out of this, other than an occasional chuckle and many eye rolls and What the Fucks escaping my lips.

But you know what?  I stuck with it and read every page, as I'll attempt to do for all the entries.

I don't mean to be a dick or sound overly harsh, but the reality is that this is a mess and so poorly written and executed.  Congrats on entering and finishing a script in this very difficult challenge.    


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
Dustin
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5386
Posts Per Day
2.42
I can't read this one. I'm afraid I'm out at page 2. This is the line that took me out:

Code

Gregory breaks free from the grasp. Scott's look turns
peacefully away, focuses the fresh drinks at the bar.



Page 1 was fine really, maybe one typo. Then it started to fall apart. Maybe English is your second language and I apologise for not being able to finish, but I prefer easy reads where I don't have to decipher anything.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
Guest
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
804
Posts Per Day
0.24
This was kind of dull.  Talk-fest.  Nothing exciting happened.  The effects weren't that major or serious.

Not my cup of joe.


--Steve
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
RJ
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Australia
Posts
280
Posts Per Day
0.10
This one wasn't for me.

I liked the story you were trying to portray, but it all got lost in very hard to read description. I got completely lost halfway through and was wondering what the hell was going on.

Plus there were a lot of 'talking head' scenes with just Gregory and Scott. They weren't doing anything, but talking and drinking for the most part.

Good effort though. Stick at it.

Renee
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 20
Last Fountain
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Ottawa
Posts
198
Posts Per Day
0.09
A personal tale of self discovery. This was different. The romantic take was unique.

I wish you showed the future though.  We only get a brief mention during dialogue. Maybe flashbacks to his life in future would help. And we could know why he needs to drink. Is something bothering him? Is in the same predicament,  so he relates?

I think flashbacks (forwards) would help keep things moving and create a lot more intrigue. The opening scene went on too long. Which I wouldn't mind, if the dialogue was more interesting. Maybe some conversation including doubt. Like maybe he needs to be convinced to believe in time travel. Then again, it's a bar.

Better pacing and dialogue, along with more "show" would help this interesting emotional and personal journey.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 20
Mr. Blonde
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
2575
Posts Per Day
0.69
Yeah, I have to echo others' sentiments regarding this one. Just not a strong entry. A lot of grammatical and spelling issues that work in tandem with a script that is 100% dialogue. I mean, this was exposition on top of exposition. There's nothing wrong with all-dialogue scripts (I enjoy them), but that dialogue has to be worth reading. Here, it honestly wasn't. A forgettable entry.

D-.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
Forgive
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 10:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1432
Posts Per Day
0.42
So, Scott, a drunken Time-Traveler, meet Gregory who's gay and in denial. Scott eventually helps to put Gregory into contact with his first-love - Tim, over whom Gregory once got a stiffy when they shared a tent.

Scott then gets a guilt-complex because he shouldn't use his time travelling skills for this kinda thing, but he's happy that Greg's happy.

Yeah. Gay time travel. Didn't think of that. Can't think why. The Coming Out Tavern: where all the best gay time travelers go.

Not too sure what else to say to be honest. Congrats on getting something in? A script I mean.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 20
nawazm11
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
979
Posts Per Day
0.34
Dialogue boxes seem to be a little smaller than they should be.

I'm at page 7 so far and literally nothing has happened so far. I'm in awe at how it's going to be possible for this to be dragged to 15.

"Gregory can't piss anymore." lol

"Gregory! It's me, Timmy. I love you and always will. We can start a life, together, if you want to!"  Damn it, Timmy, you psychopath, you've been stalking him for decades now?

Well, uh, it would be an understatement if I said this needed work since, being honest here, I don't think the story works in any way at the moment. Not a lot makes sense and most of it just gives you a good laugh. This needs a lot of rewriting. Good luck.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2525
Posts Per Day
0.86
Coming out tavern

I quite like the title. The logline is slightly less appealing

Man, by page nine I wouldn't be able to talk anymore!!

I have to say this lost me for a while and whilst Gregory was going around I want quite sure whether he had travelled, or could travel etc

The Timmy angle, whilst different to have a same sex relationship mentioned, seemed a little weak, as we never saw it, or them etc

Mind you, the idea of the drunk at the bar being a time traveler resonates in some way

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
EWall433
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
431
Posts Per Day
0.19
Like Dustin, I suspect ESL is at work here. It makes it hard to pull the story from the writing.

The opening scene does go on for too long and time travel may have been over explained. That being said I was intrigued by the explanation, even if I didn’t entirely get it. You actually got me thinking about time travel in a new way, in a realistic way, but I’m not sure if that’s what you put on the page or just what I took from it.

The middle section with all the “APARTMENTBUILDING” slugs is very confusing.

‘SCOTT: Finish peeing… GREG: I can’t…. SCOTT: I know. That’s why I’m here’  Unless that’s supposed to be hilarious…  

The whole Timmy thing seemed to come out of nowhere and should’ve been better established in the beginning.

All that said I can tell there’s a unique take on the criteria going on here. A story about personal discovery and second chances in bar where time travelers get hammered. I can’t imagine I’ll see another version of this in the other entrants. I also detect a certain level of sincerity in this tale, and I appreciate that.

Congrats on completing the OWC
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006