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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  The Ultimate Weapon - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    The Ultimate Weapon - OWC  (currently 4228 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Ultimate Weapon by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Short - A dying patient with an unusual story tries to explain to his doctor why he should fear the ultimate weapon. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 22nd, 2014, 9:23am
revised draft
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AtholForsyth
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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The Man in the balaclava? Who is is this? Is it Abe before he was locked up? Monkeys?

Apart from being confused at the bits above, I liked it and I felt for Abe but for me it was just a bit confusing. I dare say if I read it again it might make more sense but I don't have the time as I want to get my through as many OWC as I can.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on getting a 15 pager in the OWC. One of the few thus far I've seen that went the full 15. Overall, I thought this was a decent effort, aside from a few grammar choices here and there. I think some of this rambled on a bit, and I guess I was hoping for something more. The notion of killing opponents in the past to alter the future has been done in numerous films and shows like Terminator, Trancers and most recently, Looper. But here we have BOTH sides of a war eliminating the other side in the past as suggested by the main protag. I don't know if I'm fully onboard with this - the premise comes off as something more grand and interesting than what is actually written in the short. It's one of those shorts that over-explains, yet deserves a bigger story, if that makes sense.


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RJ
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this and the ending was a nice fit.

The only thing that really held me up was that by page 10 I was starting to wonder when more action and less talking was going to happen.

I think if the talking was cut a little in the middle there would be more room to add just a bit more about the future Abe was trying to stop.

That's my only real beef with this though. All in all, it was a good story.

Renee
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Dustin
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Finding this one very talky-talky at the moment and I'm skipping parts of it. VO, dream sequences... seems to be a theme with time travel scripts.

Code

ABE
Future wars are going to be fought
in time. Itís the final race to the
bottom as they go back killing more
and more from the past.



That's impossible. Logistically. Wars are not started by people they are started by economic climate. The system forces us into war.

Not one for me this one... seems a confused mass of not very much at all. No story. Lots of exposition, otn dialogue.
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Guest
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Not much to say... thought this was kinda bland...


---Steve
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StevenClark
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Pg 1: a saloon pulls up? No idea what that means?

I have a bit of a problem with your dialogue. It seems a bit on the nose, and Simon doesn't really speak much like a doctor. He just seems curious about Abe, just playing the game, as you say. So far, I'm just not buying into it.

Pg 9: his body goes taught should be taut -- just a little
Nitpick there.

Ok well, not sure about this one. Cool twist near the end, I gotta admit. But this whole piece suffers from unnecessary exposition. I really feel this could have been trimmed by two pages. There seems to be so much set up that just kinda bets boring. I stuck with it, yes, but some peeps won't and that's too bad. Tighten up your action, re think some of your dialogue, and make this baby clearer. It's not bad by any means.

Good job on entering!

Steve


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nawazm11
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Probably the most well written entry so far. Didn't find a lot of mistakes, easy to read. Only one thing which is stopping me from really enjoying the story. I'm still not sure who the man in the TW facility was. Was that Simon or Abe?

It's structured in such a way that I really can't figure it out, really, only if it was Abe would it seem logical. This doctor who's probably heard a million dead end stories from psychos suddenly believes that a war is going to come? The Kingdom thing didn't help the argument either, sounds like some childish cartoon faction. Without hard solid proof, even I'd think he's crazy.

The dialogue got worse as the story went on, too much exposition like all the entries. But it was to be expected when you were dealing with time travel.

Far from a bad entry though, good stuff.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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As I go...

Right off the bat, the title page seems to be centered incorrectly.  Is the left margin also off in the script proper?  Hmmm, not sure, but IMO, this looks to be off a bit.

Opening Slug - a dream sequence that's labeled as such to start?  Not a good way to go, IMO.

This opening dream sequence is so cliche.  The way you end it is shows that it's not properly formatted either - you shouldn't include "DREAM SEQUENCE" in your actual Slug, because what would happen if this dream sequence lasted more than just 1 Slug?  You get me?

A "saloon" in AZ?  Really?

"he parks up" - ????  I have a feeling this is a Brit writing about AZ and some words and phrases don't work here, like you think they do.

Page 2 - "Even then, not sure how." - Awkward and confusing.

Not sure why you inserted the University Research Center scene, as it's very confusing wedged in between Dr. Simon's scenes at the Medical Clinic, or are the 2 places nearby?  One and the same?  I'm confused.

Page 5 - The talking heads are getting quite dull.  This scene has gone on way too long without any interesting visuals.

The Flashback on Page 5/6 seems odd and unnecessary.  Is this Riverbank also in AZ?

Oh boy...and we immediately go into a dream sequence from the Flashback?  I think that's a problem and would be a disaster if filmed that way.

Page 7 - OK, so now we finally go back to the man in the black balaclava scene.  That was 5 pages ago and at first, you showed such a quick scene here.  It won't work like this on film and doesn't work on paper either.  It's like this scene froze for 5 minutes and is just now thawing out and starting back up.

Wait...now we find out this is Abe and it's actualy another Flashback that's not labeled as such?  And Simon is hearing this firsthand from Abe now?  No...not correctly done. Not even remotely close to how you'd write this properly.

I'm sorry, but I've had enough.  I can't continue and my interest has diminished to the point where I no longer care what happens or why.

The writing is a huge problem here.  The structure is a huge problem here.  Neither are working for me and I'm out.

Congrats for finishing a script in this tough OWC challenge.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  January 13th, 2014, 10:58am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Yeah you donít have to point out the beginning and end of a dream sequence. For example, Abe waking up bathing in sweat tells us itís a dream or a memory.

I thought Jane was serious when she said he was a Time Traveller. Maybe make it a bit more obvious sheís being sarcastic.  

The dialogue seems clunky, awkward in parts and on the nose. Trying saying some of the longer dialogue out loud and youíll see what I mean.

Saying that though I enjoyed reading this. I do think it would take more for Abe to persuade Simon he was from the future, after all Simon deals with crazy all the time. But still I liked the story and loved the ending, it did touch me on an emotional level and was quite a beautiful image at the end.  

Well done on the story and congratulations on your OWC entry.


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irish eyes
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one although maybe less dialogue between Simon and Abe would help. You explained twice why he was sick on page 3 then on 6.
You also spelt soldier wrong a few times.

Overall I thought the writing was pretty good and an good entry.

Well done

Mark


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DV44
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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First read of the OWC and so far so good. I could echo some of the other reviewers and say that the dialogue in spots was OTN but that's going to happen from time to time especially when given 7 days or in this case 10 days to write it. I try to let dialogue and action take me out of the story and just read for the plot and I have to say that things were fine with me. Had that Terminator feel to it with lazers in the dream sequence. The dialogue did however go on a bit long, probably could trim it back a couple pages.

I liked the ending and I agree with Mark Renshaws review above, beautiful image at the end.

Congrats on completing the OWC. Well done.
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Nomad
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To everyone who is confused:

The man in black is Simon.  

The scenes with the Simon in black at the University were happening because Simon finally believed what Abe was telling him.  They were a flash sideways so to speak.

To the writer:

There wasn't much showing things in the past affecting the future.  Sure there was this time traveler guy at some mysterious Army base talking about some future war between the "Kingdoms", but there wasn't any resolution to his plight.

Simon recorded video of some dead monkeys and uploaded it to YouTube, but we never saw how that affected things.  

I hardly think finding two conflicting news reports would be enough evidence for a doctor to risk his life in order to prevent some "time travelers" future war.  There should be more convincing evidence.

Kudos for doing your research about Arizona.

This is definitely a British writer due to the saloon/sedan mix up.  Unless that was thrown in there in order to make us think you're British, but you're really from Arizona, and you just want us to think you're British.  But if this is THE guy from Arizona, then you probably knew we would think you're just trying make us think you're British but we would know you're not British and you would know we would know that, so...

...my brain hurts.

Jordan


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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All I can say is that "this guy from AZ" didn't write anything for this OWC.

And, yes, my brain is hurting as well...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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khamanna
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Ugh, I typed a lot on the thread and then.. the power shortage happened.

I liked it.
As I finished reading:
I don't understand Abe's talk on p4 about the two Kingdoms.
THen on p6-7 there are two river bank scenes - the flashback and dreamsequence. And you started with the river bank dream sequence. I know you want the first image be the same as yuor closing scene but I don't see the reason for it at all.

I don't think you need to keep any of your dream sequences. And the river bank could be out the window - just a thought.

Overall, I really liked it. THe ultimate weapon thought is very nice. ANd what you have here is very atmospheric.
I don't think you need the shot of deformed monkeys - it kind of stands on the way of understanding your short.
You're saying that people from the future go back and kill each other by using killing gas etc - that makes sense but that could be presented a bit clearer.

I understood it just fine on the first read. Actually I quite liked it - it's my fav out of big scale shorts in this OWC - you kept me reading and I really appreciate the idea.
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