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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Vergence - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    Vergence - OWC  (currently 3968 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Vergence by E.P. Umum - Short, Sci Fi, Mystery - Obsessed with solving a series of murders inspired by Jack The Ripper, an agent travels back in time for research purposes at the risk of her own sanity. - pdf, format


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Toby_E
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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This is the first script that I have chosen to read, and I am sorry to say that I wasn't a huge fan of it

The main source of my unenjoyment stemmed from the fact that I just couldn't understand why on earth Urashi was travelling back in time to witness Jack the Ripper's murders, when she is trying to solve a murder from the present time, 300 years later? You say that she wanted to research the killings, but what can she possibly learn from going back in time to be killed by Jack the Ripper, which she couldn't learn from reading a book? I mean, so what if she finds out the identity of Jack the Ripper... how will this help her solve the crime at hand? Why didn't she just use the technology straight away to go back to the present murders, to try and gain an eyewitness account of the killer?

So unfortunately, this massive plot hole really took me out of the read

Furthermore, the way that you decided to conclude this story - by foregoing an actual conclusion - left a pretty sour taste in my mouth.

I thought that this story would have been far more effective and satisfying if you focused on travelling back to the recent murders, then using this technology to solve the case.


Below are a few more page specific notes:

Page 5- Really not too sure what Urashi and Jeff are discussing here. Why does Urashi want Jeff to tell her she knows "him"? The dialogue in this scene was pretty unnatural, IMO. Their dialogue in the next scene was even worse.

Page 9- I find it weird that Urashi asks Kelly if she knows him, considering they had a conversion a few pages earlier.


Sorry that I didn't enjoy this one

But congratulations on entering. You did better than myself!


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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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I was kinda with this until page 4, but from then on, I was completely lost to what was supposed to be happening.

Let’s try to get it straight – to catch a killer in the present, they travel back to research Jack the Ripper and his murders… why? To do this, you have to die and then be brought back… why?

So questions right out the gate, but then Jeff entered and he and Urashi had some really weird conversation where they both seemed to be high or something.

And the ending is just poor – no conclusion what so ever as far as I can tell. I take it Jeff left Urashi, and I for one wouldn’t blame him, the stupid woman only ever had peaches in the fridge.

I also wouldn’t call the futuristic device a cookie as all this did was give me funny images when reading… this for example:

“She places the cookie on her right temple.” Is chocolate chip I wonder?

I’m afraid to say that this one missed the mark for me and to be completely honest, I actually have no idea what it was all about or the point of it. The fact that she killed herself 9 times to do all this research, and then get taken off the case without even a hint of solving the current killings was a hard pill to swallow for me.

Work on your characters and find the actual story here – is it about the murders or the strain this job puts on her relationship with Jeff? Once you know that, the story will become more focused and we should get a better grasp of the characters and story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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nawazm11
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 1:53am Report to Moderator
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I barely have a clue what's happening on the first page. Needs to be a lot more clearer.

And now I'm even more confused when I've read the whole thing. The dialogue was far from bad but it was so cryptic that the information was lost in a bunch of non sense. It starts out fine enough, find the serial killer but then I'm not even sure where we end up. The world you've crafted seems cool but that's all I can say for now. Needs work.
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RJ
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Bits of this I liked, others not so much.

For instance - the ending. Did you run out of time? Or simply plan it to end that way? If so then it's a poor ending, IMO. I wanted more from it. It felt like there was a setup of sorts and then it all fell flat. Which is also a good thing I guess - I wanted more.

There definitely seemed to be a lot of talking, not that all it was bad, parts of it were good, just that there was a lot. Then again, there seem to be a lot with this in this OWC.

As I was saying, I'm kind of split on this. There were parts that were interesting and this story did have potential, but as it became more confusing and then the ending hit and there were parts that didn't lead to any explanation, I found this wasn't for me. It could be though - with a rewrite.

Good effort

Renee
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Dustin
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Out at page 4. Very clipped. I found this one difficult to follow.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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There was an idea here and felt like it was (mostly) written by a competent writer. The trouble stemmed from, I think, the writer not being certain how they wanted the story to proceed. Virtually nothing was changed about the present day murders, she didn't learn anything about the Jack the Ripper murders (except the killers are a similar height) and there wasn't really a resolution. It seems like she just turned into a drug addict. Anyway, this could have been better, but telling the story in this way wasn't a good choice.

C-.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Vergence

Logline - Jack the Ripper is a decent choice of going back, still a mystery and all that. Not sure quite why the agents wants to go back, but let's see...

Ok, not sure what happened at the end. Peaches??

Some of the processing was interesting but the husband wife thing, the peaches, the extra going back etc lost me at the end.

Cheers


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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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As I go...

Opening passage is not well written.  Urashi is a strange name - any time you have to give the sex of the character, it's a bad sign, IMO.

"A man named Kelly..." - also a problem and poor intro.

"A man's rough hands..." - again, very awkward, as it's so apparent you are attempting to direct the shots.  Don't!  Just show us what's happening by using strong writing.

"A man's voice" - No, not necessary in a screenplay.

"(O.C.) - "(O.S.)


Herb, a doctor..." - you're telling us way too much info.  Don't tell, show!

Herb's dialogue on top of Page 2 is downright terrible.  So poorly punctuated.  So robotic.

WTF?  Really?  Check out this nugget of Herb's dialogue - "Do you want to stop, Amy Urashi?" - Serisouly?  You know what?  This line is so heinous that it's going to be the reason I stop reading.  Honestly, this sounds like the script is meant to be a pisser, it's so poorly done.


Congrats on entering.  Focus on your writing by reading others and commenting so you get to know some peeps who can help you going forward.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Sometimes scripts can be overwritten and this is one.. I get that you're trying to impress but it takes away from the story when  the reader spends too much time deciphering the actions IMO

In other words I was lost by page 6 you had an interesting concept on Jack the ripper. Just need to tone it down.


Good job on entering

Mark


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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A Jack the Ripper tale, should be interesting. Typing this up as I read.

“Like a cobra under a charmer’s music, Herb nods three times.” Didn’t like this line. I realise you need to give the script a bit of umph but trying to sex-up a nod is overkill in my opinion.

I do like the eyes thing though, quite different. Calling them cookie gizmos is distracting though.

Gruesome murder scene told from a POV and for a very valid reason – I like it!

I like the idea they can go back and observe but that is all and the psychological impact of what they observe effects them. I’m kinda getting the vibe the twist here is going to be Urashi is the killer copying Jack or someone on the time travel program is.

What do you do on a swank couch? Have a swank of course! Sorry, I’m British – that’s my excuse.

“Ripper image behind Jeff. He’s uncomfortable with the spectre over his shoulder.” Love this line, some great imagery there.

“Herb stands over Urashi, who lies in the coffin contraption.” But then you spoil it with the next line/ Give the coffin contraption a cool sci-fi name when you first describe them, then refer to them as ‘TIME CUBES’ or something.

I think I must have missed something. Did nothing happen at the end? It seems that Urashi simply got replaced. Really disappointed as I liked the idea of Urashi getting obsessed with solving the crimes from both eras and feeling the psychological impact of things the human mind shouldn’t be able to cope with.

A great idea, just needs work in my opinion. Well done on completing the challenge.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Nomad
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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I think I see what you're trying to do here but this kind of story needs way more than 15 pages to flesh out.

Your dialogue doesn't push the story forward.  It just lingers on the page and wastes space and time.

Maybe with a couple re-writes you could have a pretty good sci-fi time travel story here.

Jordan


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DV44
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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I like the idea you were going with but the execution was off. Didn't quite understand why Amy would have to die to see Jack the Ripper's kills just so she could understand how to deal with the killer in present time. Couldn't she travel in the past to the present killers first victim and witness who did the killings? Again, I like the concept but maybe with a rewrite you could flesh out more of the story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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EWall433
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Not sure why you want me picturing this device as a cookie. Why not just a ‘disc’?  A lot of the dialogue is very clipped and doesn’t sound natural.

There was some decent world building here. I thought there was a unique take on the time travel method and it seemed well thought out, but where’s the story? What is she looking for specifically?

I also don’t know why we watch her time travel from a screening room. If part of the point is how real it feels and the stress that puts on her, why make it seem fake to us?

I was baffled by the FADE OUT. Nothing of consequence had really happened. The case wasn’t solved and they never effected the present with their trips to the past (which kinda means this whiffed on the criteria). To be honest it almost seems like the first 11 pages of a longer script. Unfortunately that didn’t work for me.

Congrats on completing a OWC though
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Ok. Just for the fun.
???
Kelly wants to have the notes from Urashi's travel to London. Then he said "PEACHES" to Urashi.

I looked back to page one and Kelly's introduction. He said something - he would like to join the vergence-program.  So he did so and visited Urashi's place in the final scene.

Jeff, Urashi's husband said he don't like peaches in second act.

So what does it mean… The word "peaches" isn't a random choice. So, is Kelly Jeff? Why does he look different? My guess is: Kelly, Jeff, the murder with the hat and Jack the Ripper are one person.

So, the murder is already able to travel. Maybe he can change his body…

But I think you simply brought in a senseless end to the script and to my interpretation. This whole confusion is what you tried to develop in your script

I always go with that stuff. I don't have to know everything in film. But the pictures are not well explained. These whole eye-thing etc.

Seems like you put a part of a feature in here.



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