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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Sunstorm: Australia's First Line of Defense - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    Sunstorm: Australia's First Line of Defense - OWC  (currently 2696 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sunstorm: Australia's First Line of Defense by 0 - Short - When Australia faces its biggest threat, they turn to their best asset… Sunstorm. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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nawazm11
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure if it's possible to have more cheese with that title.

Mel Gibson, yeah, okay.

First paragraph reads poorly. You even call him Tommy later on.

Okay, I'll admit Potts' is a pretty funny dude.

"Oh, bollocks it" Don't think I've ever heard an Australian say that.

Why do they have shitty computers from the 1980s when I assume they're now in present time, hence the 'back in 09' comment?

"SUNSTORM
Page count..."  

"RIP them to shreds." Oh, man.

Besides the first page, this wasn't bad. Writing was pretty solid as well. A few good moments here and there but not as funny as it was trying to be. I think I know who wrote this. A solid effort, good job.
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stevie
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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I was all excited about this. You know, Aussie and all, lol.

But I think the author lost control of it. It's meant to be a comedy, it isn't that funny. And it's so-so as an action piece.

I dunno, it has a couple of funny lines, and the actual writing is fine. It just doesn't do much.


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Dustin
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 4:43am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Difficult reading. I'm about half way through and completely lost as to what's going on. I think there is too much happening. I prefer things easy.


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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As I go...

Definitely seems to be a pisser, or at least a pisser-like-comedy.  I'm actually kind of laughing along with the "voice over guy".  I don't like the "eager backpacker" and "chubby backpackler" naming, but whatever...no wait...I think it takes away from the humor in an odd way.

The writing's actually quite good so far.  I'm in...

Page 3 - The writing's good still, but I'm starting to see what I call "too much voice".  The read's getting more difficult, the sentences more and more abstract and "literary".

Yeah, the writing has gone from nice and fairly tight and technical to aside, unfilmable Heaven.  I'm not liking this now...let's see if I can continue...

Page - 4  Now we've got full on cheese, but I'm pretty sure this is your intention, so I understand.  "For Australia's standards" - FUNNY...which shows this kind fo writing can be effective and can also be annoying.  Just depends on the reader.

Page 7 - Hopefully, this is intended as humor or parady, and for that, it works, I think.  Some truly funny lines that are well thought out and well placed.  Problem is, I'm losing interest even though it's written well.  I'm almost at the point of skimming.  We'll see...

Some awkwardly worded lines here.

"names" - "name's"

OK, done.  I did skim near the end, but I do want to say, I think the writing's great here for the most part.  It's a bit too wink wink for me, but I see definite talent.

Even the story itself is well done and the bookended "voice over guy" is well done.

Congrats on a very well concieved and produced entry for this difficult OWC.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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StevenClark
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 6:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Eager and Chubby?  Come on now...

Pg 3: nice into into the karaoke bar. Funny stuff. Sunstorm sound like a cleaned up "Dude. "

Pg 4:should the bar fight have been a montage?  I think so. Actually maybe not. Sorry.

I like the way this reads. An action/comedy here. Liking the dialogue, liking the action, love Sunstorm. Cool
Character.  I liked the in jokes about page count, but thought you only needed to say that once. Twice is overkill and not funny. Didnt like the voice over guy breaking the fourth wall. Thought it was totally unnecessary. Other than that, yeah, I got a few chuckles out of this and I dug the action sequences.

A pretty good effort here! Congrats on entering!

Steve


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RJ
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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Have to say that usually I don't like a lot of the 'Aussie take off' kind of things, but I quite enjoyed this one. Which is funny, because on page one, I didn't think I was going to.

Yeah, there are parts that are 'yobbo', but they were more in the vein of Croc Dundee, than trashie. And I like Croc Dundee (not the 3rd one - that was'try hard' territory)

SUNSTORM (O.S.)
Where do they hire you bozos? - I liked this scene - thought it was better that the 'actor jumps from the roof of the elevator and kicks everyones ass' scene we've seen time and time again.

All in all - I think you did a good job with the characters and dialogue. This was an enjoyable little piece. It was a lot of fun to read.

Good job

Renee
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khamanna
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I started reading this but noticed this:
"Tommy, stop pissing around" is on the first page. Then the Narrator says "I'm just a Voice Over guy" and I immediately thought it might be a pisser.

Now, it might as well not be but I don't want to waste my time. And I don't like these. So, just in case, I'll put it away.

If it is indeed a pisser thanks for laying out clues.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Cool title

One thing I never get in an OWC... when anyone writes a comedy it's automatically labelled a pisser by some peeps, which indicates that the writer didn't really try.
Do some peeps realize that "comedy" is actually a genre?

what I'm saying is... I enjoyed this for a week's work and it breaks up  the monotony of a few confusing non comedic scripts.
It had interesting characters, an action story and was straight to the point AND followed the parameters.

I enjoyed it.
Well done

Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
One thing I never get in an OWC... when anyone writes a comedy it's automatically labelled a pisser by some peeps, which indicates that the writer didn't really try.Do some peeps realize that "comedy" is actually a genre?Mark


Good point, Mr. Mark...good point.

As the Ausssies know by now, I tned to missuse the phrase, "pisser".  To me, a true pisser is definitely attempting to be funny, in an over the top, redonkulous way.

Like all the pathetic Sharknado movies.  Those are complete, full on pissers.

Hey, I'm weird...odd sense of humor. Pissers are funny toi me when done well...or just done by me.  

This was a well written entry and pisser or not, a solid, entertaining script, IMO.




To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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khamanna
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Comedy is a genre, Mark - it's my favorite too. The thing is - pissers are written only for this site and only for the entertainment of the members of this site. So, they may be funny, but they are a little different from other comedies. Also,pissers are not written for feedback, it's for insider laughs. I might laugh, you might laugh but an outsider wouldn't...

I enjoyed once a comedy short by Tim Radcliff (might have misspelled the author's last name). He claims it was a pisser on the thread, but it's not. And in my opiion it's great. If you want I can find a thread. It was written for an OWC too.

I don't want to hijack the thread with other comments. Lets see who's behind it and if it's a pisser at all.

Revision History (1 edits)
khamanna  -  January 14th, 2014, 8:11am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mel Gibson. I’ve finally realised these author names are made up lol. Only took me two days.

Anyway onto this antipodean themed script! Writing notes as I read.

Give your characters names as soon as you can. It’s hard to associate with a nameless entity. There’s nothing wrong with introducing one as a BACKPACKER but as soon as we find out he’s Tommy then change the name of the character.

VO guy breaks the 4th wall – so this is a spoof.

As I read this seems like one of the pissers I’ve seen in previous OWC’s. It’s written by someone clearly who knows their stuff but it’s not just a comedy as it has too many inside jokes like ‘Page count’. The author seems to be doing it badly on purpose.

Lots of stereotypical dialogue and jokes about Australians and Brits, some did make me smile but a lot makes me grimace.  

Very well written, if it is a pisser it’s a shame as I’d like to have seen this person try it as a full on comedy action story instead.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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wonkavite
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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You know, this one reads better the second time around.  (I read it a second time because I ran out of paper in my printer, and had to stop reading when the subway arrived.  So I gave it a second go.)

Some of the writing's awkward.  For instance, the whole Chubby vs. Eager backpacker.  But I can honestly say there's tons of action in this...  it just doesn't stop.  Probably the best part of it for me was the quirky humor in alot of the writing and the asides (and yes, asides are fine in a screenplay as long as it doesn't take a reader out of the moment.)  For instance, the Narrator commenting that he's just the voiceover guy, the hooker comment, the bottom of a glass comment, and state of the art for Australian standards.  All very cute - and taken together it made the read enjoyable.  Oh, and the "page count" quip.  Very cute.  ")

So far, despite my initial thoughts, this one's definitely in my top five-seven.  Perfect?  No - but unapologetically fun and goofy!  
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Uff. Difficult as a first read. SciFi-Action-Comedy-spy parody. I don't go with this script. I think you have a huge range. If you put out something as easy as that, I think you can also write deep stuff. For me the concept and mix-genre wasn't well chosen. If you got a time problem don't choose comedy. Must been prepared and spontaneous same time.

There were some holes between the pictures and sometimes I felt the opposite, that the picture was frozen. Look to first page: Just before the maybe 20 seconds long VO you showed a picture of an amazed backpacker's face…

You broke the fourth wall several times. All in all it seems too ambitious. But that's also the positive stuff for me here. You try new things.

The thing with: You cannot meet your own self… You shouldn't get in conflict with that. Solve the problem or avoid it. Definitely interested in some info after the challenge.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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DV44
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Mr. Gibson,  

Solid writing for 10 days. Very impressed. I actually enjoyed the comedy throughout, whether it was meant to be a pisser or not as others have suggested, but you had me laughing in spots. I dug Sunstorm as the modern day Bond, Aussie style. Pretty cool character for the protag. Not much to say that others didn't already mention. Definitely among my favs at the moment. Great job!

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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