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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Always and Forever
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  Author    OWC - Always and Forever  (currently 4569 views)
seamus19382
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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CAm, are you thinking of Last Night?  I haven't seen it, but it's in my netflix que.  It's got Don McKellar, who was in Highway 61 which was great also.

Sorry about that!  This was really good.  Great twist!  Well written.  Flows nicely.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Best one I have read so far....there is some real good writing here and a really neat story.  I  don't think there is anything in this script that I  didn't like or would change, even the whole "deep impact" thingy worked.  This fit the theme and genre very well.  Great job to whoever wrote this one


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Brian M
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say that in my opinion, this is the best I've read so far by a country mile. I loved everything about this, the idea, the writing, the ending, outstanding from start to finish.

The setting in 2069 was great, the technology, everything. It was so well thought out and put together. I did have one or two minor issues with dialogue but I'd be nitpicking. I don't really have a bad thing to say about this.

Great job!
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Alright, first of all, I want to thank everyone for reading, and that I'm glad that those who enjoyed it...Enjoyed it. I appreciate the comments.

And now on to the questions...


Quoted from Andrew Allen
I like this one. It escapes me right now, but this is very like a film I have seen, but cannot pinpoint it. The pixilated conversation reminded me of Tom Cruise not being able to let go in 'Minority Report'.

The premise of this one then is interesting. Trevor has trouble letting go after the death of Sadie and Cade - was he intended to be emaciated and depressed like Trevor in 'The Machinist'? I assume that was an influence. That is a great film, by the way.


I've never seen either of those movies, so I had no idea this script tied to those two movies.


Quoted from Jonnyboy
However, I don't see a secret. That Sadie and Cade are dead is a reveal, but it's not a secret.


Yeah, that's true, but I do recall someone asking (in the thread where the OWC genre and theme were revealed) if the secret had to be revealed to the family members, or if it could be revealed to the audience (if the characters already know), so I decided to go with the second one (mainly because I couldn't figure out a way to keep this type of story but make the secret revealed to the characters).


Quoted from Dreamscale
One thing that stuck out was in the very beginning...you describe Trevor as being tall, and then you say Sadie is no taller than Trevor.  I don't get this at all...men are taller than women and when a man is described as being tall, then it goes without saying that he shoud be taller than the woman.

...

I think the super was placed in the wrong spot though.  Was this to show passage of time?  I don't recall knowing what the date was during the first picnic, or that Trevor had aged.


What a stereotypical thing of you to say! Ha ha, just kidding. Yes, it's true that the average man is taller than the average woman, but some times women can be taller, and men can be shorter.

The super was to just show what the era was, considering that there were soon going to be high-tech gadgets involved, and the soon-to-be imminent disaster was going to happen (since scientists say that these disasters can happen very, very soon).


Quoted from Grandma Bear
My question though is what about Hector? I'm not 100% sure what happened there...


Since the world was ending, Hector just didn't want to be there when it happened. So he decided to end it early, but since he had something he needed to give to Trevor, he just told him there's a key on the door frame, and that there's a note on the hologram generator. Hope that helps!


Thanks everyone for reading! I'm glad you all liked it!

Sean


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JamminGirl
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean
This one was pretty sad. Like the others said, it reminded me a lot like Armageddon, Deep Impact, all the such. (And, I agree with Mr. Johnny, Children of Men is a fantastic film. I can see how he sees that in this script, with the fighting in the streets and stuff?) I was a bit confused about what was going on in the middle when he goes to Hector's house and walking along the streets, but it was all explained at the end. I really liked the ending, too. I liked the sense of complete serenity (sometimes I wish I could have that feeling). Some of the dialogue was a bit...off, I guess, for me. I dunno. But other than that, I thought it was good.

Sean


LOL! a critique from the author himself. Misdrection at its best?


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JamminGirl


LOL! a critique from the author himself. Misdrection at its best?


Like Pia said, just a li'l tradition us Simply Scripters do to throw people off...




Pia, I was actually thinking of creating a thread for people to guess who wrote what, but I forgot.

Sean


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George Willson
Posted: April 24th, 2009, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, that was really good. I was momentarily confused as it rolled onwards with some of the apparent inconsistencies. The beauty of it was that the inconsistencies cleared up as the ending came on. It was a very sweet, well written story.

The only comment I would have that is that for me, it ended perfectly at the bottom of page 7. Page 8 was unnecessary. Sure, you had a sort of sappy heaven-ish ending to it, but it wasn't needed. You had all the melodrama you needed right there at the bottom of 7, including the title. It was all explained.

But it was still good, and I liked how it kept a lot unexplained until right at the end.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 24th, 2009, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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I'm glad you liked it, George. And are you talking about it ending after he opens the locket and inside it reads "Always and Forever"? That would be a good "alternate" ending, but it wouldn't really explain the chaos on the streets, why Hector killed himself, etc. But when you find out about the asteroid, everything pulls together. But if you're talking about just the picnic scene in Heaven, then I can see that the script works without that, also.


Sean


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George Willson
Posted: April 24th, 2009, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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This is on page 7:

A loud BOOM echoes from the sky. The ducks by the pond quack
wildly and fly away. All three look up.

A small asteroid breaks through the clouds as a giant
fireball. The fireball explodes into smaller pieces.

More small asteroids break through the atmosphere. As each
one breaks through, Sadie and Cade�s bodies flicker and
pixilate.

Trevor grabs his necklace and squeezes it. He sighs deeply
and opens up the locket. Inside is carved �ALWAYS AND
FOREVER�

--------------------

I got it on page 7. I didn't need to chaos on page 8 to understand it. Everything was there to explain that there was a climactic event having to do with an asteroid collision that destroys everything. You could even add the big asteroid there on 7 in place of the small ones and it's done. It's a case of less being more, in my opinion.


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