SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 13th, 2020, 9:43pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
Week 5 Scores and Who Wrote What of the
The Writer's Tournament

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Family Picnic
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - Family Picnic  (currently 3960 views)
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
Guest User

I thought this one was an acceptable stab at the challenge.  The reason I say acceptable is because I think the idea might have started out as a joke because of the ending, which seems to me to be almost a punchline.

The dialogue to me seemed uneven as far as the accents went but it still had a natural feel to it.  I'm sure another go at it would even it out.

I think the transitions between scenes could use a bit of work because the seemed confusing to me.  This was probably because of the time changes, they could be a bit more pronounced.

If I were going to suggest one improvement then I would suggest a rethink of the ending.  It isn't a problem to end it where you do but you lose the drama feel of the rest of the script.  I think this is mostly because we don't get to see how Tracey reacts.
e-mail Reply: 15 - 18
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Toronto Ont.
Posts Per Day
JohnnyBoy, I can't believe you only gave me a measely 28/50. How mean! *pouts*
Yeah, It wasn't a conventional family but single people in a foreign country sometimes rely on friends to play familial roles.

Yeah, thanks for the dialogue comment. I made sure it was authentic because I often cringe at inauthentic dialogue.
Fortunately for me with this story, it was loosely(this is important) based on actual events and since I know most of the
characters involved, it wasn't hard to make the dialogue real.

Bear in mind that I rushed this script(from the wee hours in the morning to about 9:00AM) in order to meet the deadline.
I didn't even realize that I had about 24 hours more.
The errors: I started the script using Celtx but I hated the fact that it didn't automatically and certain attributes like
Final Draft does. I exported the script to text so that I could import it into Final Draft but it messed up the dialogue/action format.
I didn't realize until much much later. I quickly did a fix and resend to Don. unfortunately I wasn't thorough enough.

Hey Zombie Sean, thanks! I remember thinking, too many characters as I wrote but the scenes were written the very first way I
imagined without revision. In terms of the timing, I deliberately left out superimposed timelines. Instead I went with conventions I see in recent times.
Time exposition through dialgue(and picture). I guess this should be used tentatively...

1987brian Yeah, a bbq isn't a picnic. You're right. The ending, well I wrote that around 8:00AM when my brain started winding down.
It could've been better. In terms of the secret, well the phone call during the morning hours and Constance ignoring the call is a bit questionable.
along with his sexual proclivities, blowing Tracey off on his birthday for the friend and the friend acting like a jealous woman the very first time he met her.
I used behaviour...

Dreamscale, what can I say, all opinions are welcome.

bobtheballa the same applies here.

Astrid I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or insult. Compliment that you think it's formatted well enough to
be a pilfered one, or insult that I would copy an existing story. I'll go with the former.

Andrew Allen I guess not all character intros can over smoothely, eh? It wasn't meant to be exclusionary.
Thanks for the decent comment.

Sham, seriously, would you have preferred the use of dialogue instead of action to portray an integral story point?
In terms of the timelines, maybe I'll consider a different method of showing the pasting of time...

Lakewood yeah, you're right about changing the first scene. A short only has so much pages to start a story...

seamus19382, again, all opinions are welcome.

George Willson Opinion recieved. Thanks. As for the timelines, will work on that.

rc1107, since I'm Jamaican myself, I think I'm in a better position to decipher Jamaican colloquialisms than you do.
I'm not worried about how you spend your time. Thanks for the opinion.

steven8 Thanks!

mcornetto Actually, I thought the last line might bring a smile to the face of many but it
was used to give a tone/feel of speechless shock. Yeah, maybe Tracey's specific reaction would've made a difference...

Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
Private Message Reply: 16 - 18
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 7:22pm Report to Moderator

Stirling, Scotland.
Posts Per Day
I didn't think it was that bad. The picnic, or barbecue or whatever you want to call it did come into play a little late and the secret made me go "wtf...?" and I didn't even link it to the sex until I read someone else linking to it. There was a few errors here and there and a few of the characters could stand to go but apart from that it wasn't bad.

Scripts on this site:
The Black Dog (Short/Horror)
Howl (Short/Horror/Thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 18
Posted: April 21st, 2009, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Toronto Ont.
Posts Per Day
Hey thanks for the feedback.

Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
Private Message Reply: 18 - 18
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006

*No, it isn't