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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Family Picnic
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  Author    OWC - Family Picnic  (currently 3834 views)
mcornetto
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was an acceptable stab at the challenge.  The reason I say acceptable is because I think the idea might have started out as a joke because of the ending, which seems to me to be almost a punchline.

The dialogue to me seemed uneven as far as the accents went but it still had a natural feel to it.  I'm sure another go at it would even it out.

I think the transitions between scenes could use a bit of work because the seemed confusing to me.  This was probably because of the time changes, they could be a bit more pronounced.

If I were going to suggest one improvement then I would suggest a rethink of the ending.  It isn't a problem to end it where you do but you lose the drama feel of the rest of the script.  I think this is mostly because we don't get to see how Tracey reacts.
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JamminGirl
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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JohnnyBoy, I can't believe you only gave me a measely 28/50. How mean! *pouts*
Yeah, It wasn't a conventional family but single people in a foreign country sometimes rely on friends to play familial roles.

Yeah, thanks for the dialogue comment. I made sure it was authentic because I often cringe at inauthentic dialogue.
Fortunately for me with this story, it was loosely(this is important) based on actual events and since I know most of the
characters involved, it wasn't hard to make the dialogue real.

Bear in mind that I rushed this script(from the wee hours in the morning to about 9:00AM) in order to meet the deadline.
I didn't even realize that I had about 24 hours more.
The errors: I started the script using Celtx but I hated the fact that it didn't automatically and certain attributes like
Final Draft does. I exported the script to text so that I could import it into Final Draft but it messed up the dialogue/action format.
I didn't realize until much much later. I quickly did a fix and resend to Don. unfortunately I wasn't thorough enough.


Hey Zombie Sean, thanks! I remember thinking, too many characters as I wrote but the scenes were written the very first way I
imagined without revision. In terms of the timing, I deliberately left out superimposed timelines. Instead I went with conventions I see in recent times.
Time exposition through dialgue(and picture). I guess this should be used tentatively...

1987brian Yeah, a bbq isn't a picnic. You're right. The ending, well I wrote that around 8:00AM when my brain started winding down.
It could've been better. In terms of the secret, well the phone call during the morning hours and Constance ignoring the call is a bit questionable.
along with his sexual proclivities, blowing Tracey off on his birthday for the friend and the friend acting like a jealous woman the very first time he met her.
I used behaviour...

Dreamscale, what can I say, all opinions are welcome.

bobtheballa the same applies here.

Astrid I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or insult. Compliment that you think it's formatted well enough to
be a pilfered one, or insult that I would copy an existing story. I'll go with the former.

Andrew Allen I guess not all character intros can over smoothely, eh? It wasn't meant to be exclusionary.
Thanks for the decent comment.

Sham, seriously, would you have preferred the use of dialogue instead of action to portray an integral story point?
In terms of the timelines, maybe I'll consider a different method of showing the pasting of time...

Lakewood yeah, you're right about changing the first scene. A short only has so much pages to start a story...

seamus19382, again, all opinions are welcome.

George Willson Opinion recieved. Thanks. As for the timelines, will work on that.

rc1107, since I'm Jamaican myself, I think I'm in a better position to decipher Jamaican colloquialisms than you do.
I'm not worried about how you spend your time. Thanks for the opinion.

steven8 Thanks!

mcornetto Actually, I thought the last line might bring a smile to the face of many but it
was used to give a tone/feel of speechless shock. Yeah, maybe Tracey's specific reaction would've made a difference...
Thanks!


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
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scmower
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't think it was that bad. The picnic, or barbecue or whatever you want to call it did come into play a little late and the secret made me go "wtf...?" and I didn't even link it to the sex until I read someone else linking to it. There was a few errors here and there and a few of the characters could stand to go but apart from that it wasn't bad.


Scripts on this site:
The Black Dog (Short/Horror)
Howl (Short/Horror/Thriller)
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JamminGirl
Posted: April 21st, 2009, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey thanks for the feedback.


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
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