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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Out
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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I didnít read any of the other reviews.

I didnít know Louis was female until the line, ďI still canít believe she said yes,Ē and then he kissed her. Until then I thought it was a gay wedding. You might want to clarify that.

Then I find out (drum roll) he is gay. Thatís his secret. Then I was confused as to whether Louis was a woman or whether or not she had her own secret, namely that she was really a guy.

Then it just ended.

This one is a bit ho-hum for me. The writing was good enough to draw me in enough to keep reading. Thatís good. But not good enough to really impress me in any way. Ultimately it just seemed uninspired. There were some flashes of inspiration, such as the banner ripping, but other than that it was fairly pedestrian.

The writing is good enough that I donít doubt the writerís ability to write something compelling and inspired. This just wasnít it.


Breanne



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cloroxmartini
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Emotionally it didn't work because in my (little world) I imagined Tom would have come out sooner in this day and age. Louis is a guy's name and I didn't know Louis was truly a she till near the bottom of the first page. Even after he outed I went back to read up on Louis' gender. I got the feeling Bill knew about Tom, and being the camo-dressing-drill-sergeant-of-a-guy that Bill is, might not have let Tom go on with Louis without letting Louis know.
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George Willson
Posted: April 24th, 2009, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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First off, I didn't know Louis was a woman until she is referenced with a female pronoun. Basically when Tom turned to Louis and gave HER a kiss. That's when I knew. If you're using a male name for a female, you NEED to define the sex.

Anyway, as for the story, I didn't much like it. Then again, I always have trouble buying in to these sorts of stories where someone has the "big secret" and finally reveal it and everything changes. I dunno. Maybe it's realistic. Maybe stuff actually happens that way. I just can't buy into any level of their believability.

It always feels like the writer has an "agenda" they're trying to shove in everyone's face... It was also well-tread ground right down to the over-bearing and (of course) military father who was never there and demanded his son call him "sir". Seriously? I was in the military and I didn't talk to a single person (not one) who in a social setting would demand someone call them sir.

Writing-wise, it was fine. No problems following it or anything. It's just not my thing.


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