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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Out
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Don
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Out by Jingguo Tan - Short, Drama - At Tom and Louis's congratulatory picnic, a dark family secret is finally revealed. - pdf, format


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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That was a funnier twist than a dramatic one. Though, the events that follow afterwards made it go back to it's seriousness. The beginning felt slow and it dragged along until Tom and Bill started talking (even the beginning of their conversation was casual, but slow).

I was really glad Tom punched Bill. I really, really hate those kinds of fathers who treat their son's like crap.

But what was Tom going to do with Louis once he ran after her? He already broke her heart and ruined everyone's day. What more could he do to save it all? It would have been better if he had just walked indoors, but since you left it to where he runs off for Louis, you've left the reader hanging, and I, for one, want to know what him and Louis are going to do once he catches up to her.

Sean


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Astrid
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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The title definately gives this one away. It's an okay story. But teh whole "coming out" thing, if its going to be done, has to be done in a fresh way. There has to be something new to it, and here nothing new is offered.  
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Brian M
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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I seen this coming the minute he started talking to Bill, with the title of the script being "Out", it wasn't hard to put two and two together.

I also think Tom shouldn't run after Louis in the end, he should just watch her go or something. There is nothing he could say to defend himself after coming out like that infront of everyone.

I never had any problems with the writing or the dialogue, so well done on that.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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This was OK...that's about it.  Pretty slow, and dull, with little action other than the punch.

Louis sounds like a guy's name.  I was wondering if they were both gay, until you said that Louis was indeed female.

Writing was OK, but lots of passive verbiage everywhere.  Dialogue was the storng suit here, I think.


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Dreamscale  -  April 13th, 2009, 11:54am
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bobtheballa
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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The title kind of gave this away, and the fact that Louis is such an androgenous name didn't help either.

What I don't understand is why he was about to marry this girl if he was gay and at the end why he ran after her.

The formatting looked fine and I really liked the image of the banner ripping but overall this one didn't work for me.
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Cam17
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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As has already been said, the title gave your secret away. And Louis as the girl's name was a bad choice.  Just confused the script further.  Some of the dialogue wasn't bad, though.  Just a bit slow with not much of an ending.


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Andrew
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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There are quite a few positives here. The dialogue was generally incisive in getting your point across. Tom has obviously dealt with his repressed feelings for many years. His relationship with Bill felt a little too 'American Beauty' for me, though. Was this intentional? By that token - is Bill gay?

The banner being ripped and leaving 'Congratulations Tom' was a nice touch, and I can picture this image on screen.

I will echo the others' views, however, as I agree the title and name 'Louis' were a little misplaced.

One of the better OWC entries that I have read, and I think with a rewrite, this one could be good.

Andrew


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Sham
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
There are quite a few positives here. The dialogue was generally incisive in getting your point across. Tom has obviously dealt with his repressed feelings for many years. His relationship with Bill felt a little too 'American Beauty' for me, though. Was this intentional? By that token - is Bill gay?

The banner being ripped and leaving 'Congratulations Tom' was a nice touch, and I can picture this image on screen.

I will echo the others' views, however, as I agree the title and name 'Louis' were a little misplaced.

One of the better OWC entries that I have read, and I think with a rewrite, this one could be good.

Andrew

Definitely agree.

You have got to change Louis to either Lois or Louise or SOMETHING. I really thought it was two guys getting married at first. Then, when it's revealed that Tom is actually gay, I immediately thought, "No friggon wonder he's with a woman named Louis. It was probably a blind date and he got screwed over."

Like Andrew, I also really enjoyed the banner being torn in half.

I didn't understand why Tom waited all this time to announce his sexuality, though. It seemed very strange and out of the blue. Maybe you could have his character try a couple of times to pull Louis away from everyone to "have a talk." That way we as an audience get that there is something going on, so it won't seem so random when Tom flips his lid and opens up to everyone.

Overall, a good effort. The picnic and the secret worked well for the competition. Good work.


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BryMo
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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No, no, no. I did not expect things to run this way.

A gay son comes out in a major way, but the way you distribute comedy and drama bothered me. Maybe it wasnít intentional, but thatís the way it came off. By the title the secret was a given, but I thought the special thing about this script would be the way the topic would be handled. This was written rather disappointingly.

Good effort however.

AND PS. at the beginning i DID believe Tom was marrying a man. Louis needs to be changed, to avoid further confusion.


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Murphy
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad, not brilliant. I never had an issue with the name really, I assumed she was a girl and took it from there. I will echo comments on the title of the script though, if you wanted to pick a title that would blow the surprise then you did well. Any other title would have been better.

Like Astrid said there was nothing new here, it is a story that has been told many times before and once that I always have a hard time believing. But on the plus side it was written well and was a drama about a secret revealed at a family picnic. As far as the OWC goes you nailed it pretty well. Certainly nowhere near the worst script I have read today but doubt it will end up being considered one of the best OWC entries.

Good effort though.
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jayrex
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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I thought the first four pages was slow and boring.  But it did get interesting thereafter.  I, like the others have said, thought Louis was a guy.  Aside from that it was not bad.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was interesting. I thought it was going to be a reverse outing, with Tom or Louis admitting they were straight.I had no idea that Louis was even a girl until I spotted a she and her. If you are going to use a guy's name for a girl (which can be cool, like Blake) or unisex name (like Stacy or Kelly), specify that right away so it's clear for the reader.

Some of the descriptions could be tightened up a bit."apron that has military camouflage on it" could just be "a camouflage apron".

Also suggest that you use fewer -ing words (passive), Running, Chatting, could be he runs, she chats (active)

For a spec script you don't have to capitalize sound effects. Most of these entrys have been fine formatting wise...Pick a couple that were favorably reviewed and format likewise, as a guide. Minor nit-pick, though.

It was a solid outing, so to speak, with some good dialogue and conflict.


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grademan
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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This was an expected topic for a big secret to be revealed. That and "Juno who you're daddy is?" In a week, not bad. A few distractions pointed out above.
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michel
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry to say it, but I didn't like it that one. The secret revealed is not very original and, like others said, choosing Louis for the girl didn't help. Sure Bill is a b@st@rd, but he looks the only good character to me. Why did Tom proposed Louis if he was gay? Louis would find out very soon and his marriage would be ruined anyway.

Michel


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