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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Weekend Break
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  Author    OWC - The Weekend Break  (currently 2741 views)
Don
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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The Weekend Break by Frederick Norman Cabeldu - Short, Drama - A young family take a weekend break away, thinking it's exactly what they need. Everyone has a secret, this one will tear this family apart. - pdf, format


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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This one was alright. The main problem I had was the dialogue. It didn't seem very real at some parts. Especially Chloe's. Not only was she annoying, but she didn't seem to talk the way a four-year-old would. "Where's Daddy gone?" is a very intelligent thing for a four-year-old to say. "Is Daddy mad with me again?" Again? What did she do before to make him mad? Then there's Dr. Martin's line: "In the meantime, make sure she  doesn’t do anything stupid." I don't know what kind of doctor Dr. Martin is, but I'm pretty sure no doctor would tell someone not to do anything "stupid." It's just not professional.

This dude, Dan, must really, really love his job to not care about his wife (or girlfriend?) considering abortion. To be honest, it's not realistic. Abortions are serious, and I'm sure they're more important than the job he has (whatever it is). But, I guess it's the only reason you could've given to make it a secret. And the ending was more comedic than dramatic. Crazy bitch on da loose!


Sean


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michel
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This one was very good. I do not agree with Sean. This is very serious matter. And very mature. In fact, abortion and "fantaisies" from a woman were the subjects of my very first screenplay, many years ago. I do feel concerned.
However, there are too many explanations about Mary's "visions". Audience is smart. You should take some of your dialogs out. IMHO


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bobtheballa
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one as well. It was obvious something was up right when he said "her treatment's not working" but the twist wasn't what I expected.

I have to disagree with Sean's criticism of the little girl's dialogue. Because of the twist, the girl's dialogue couldn't be realistic for a 4-year old but instead needed to be what an older woman would expect a 4-year old to sound like. I think you accomplished this.

I did have a small problem with the ending though. I'm not an expert on the subject of psychological disorders and amnesia but I have a hard time believing that it would all come back to Mary so quickly... the fact that she committed the abortion and why. I think this could've been handled more subtly, maybe after the doctor says that she's guilty about something, have Dan ask her if she still sees the little girl. Mary could then reply with something like, "no don't worry, I've killed her off again." Maybe not those exact words, but something a bit more subtle and less expository.

Other than that I really liked this one and thought it was really well done. Nice job!

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Dreamscale
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This was OK, but that's about it.  Everything was just laid out too much for the audience to understand the story.  If this has been going on for 4 years, it makes even less sense.  It sounds like the problem just started and I don't buy that.

Not bad, but not good either.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Andrew
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This one reminds me a little of 'Always and Forever' - the two are a variation on the 'seeing someone who doesn't exist and not letting go of them' theme.  So, from that standpoint, we've seen it before. The crux of this story, however, is the deceit. Mary has allowed Dan to believe her visions were due to an unfortunate event, but of course, they're actually a manifestation of her guilt.

This notion of repressed feelings tied up with deceit intrigues me. However, I don't feel the idea has been explored sufficiently. This is likely owing to the OWC time restriction. I would be keen to see a rewrite, as there is a good little story waiting to come out. Initially, the descriptions felt a little clunky:


Quoted Text
Dan holds up his hand, his wedding ring now on his finger.
Mary doesn’t even turn, she continues to play with the teddy
bear in front of Chloe, blanking him completely.


For me, this slows down the read, and detracts from the story you are telling.

The 'fading' of Chloe would also likely be difficult and costly to film, so that might be due a rethink.

Good story, but just lacking a little in execution.

Andrew


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Sham
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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This is easily the best I've read so far for the OWC. The writer has carefully put together the story of two troubled people trying to get over a painful memory, with a twist that is equal parts unexpected and memorable.

I do have some criticism/thoughts.

A lone rabbit runs from behind one tree to another not too far away from the watchful eye of Chloe.

The park is beautiful. We get it. Don't add pointless cutesy animals to convey its majesty.

     DAN
I know how much you love your
fruits.


This is gonna sound terrible, but when I read this line, I honestly thought the big secret with your script was that Dan would turn out to be gay. Thankfully, this wasn't the case.

Other readers have mentioned the dialogue becoming heavy when everything is explained, and I agree to a certain extent. I didn't like how everything suddenly came back to Mary all at once. Too convenient. I also didn't like the doctor's "don't do anything stupid" line. Very distracting.

Another reader mentioned Chloe's fading effect to be costly and difficult, but who cares? The object of this exercise was to write a story about a secret at a family picnic. The writer shouldn't have to undermine their story because a nonexistent budget is holding them back. Do whatever the hell you want until a producer/filmmaker shows interest in it. Then you can go back and take out whatever might be too expensive to accomplish.

Overall, I really liked this one/bordering on loving it with a new draft.


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mythos
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I like the way you created emotional connection to your characters, including the imaginary Chloe. Your positioning of Chloe’s: Don’t let me go, mommy! delivered quite a punch. I thought the way you wrote Mary’s “composure” at the end was very effective. I read this as her imploding emotionally and cascading into catatonia.

Some specifics you might want to consider:

Descriptions
Consider abbreviating or cutting some descriptions.
For example: The sun sets above the hills in the distance. Birds fly above the many trees. A lone rabbit runs from behind one tree to another not too far away from the watchful eye of Chloe. Maybe replace all of that with something like: It’s picture perfect.
Let the reader use their imagination.
Can lose: Pears, apples, bananas, oranges etc. You’ve already told us there are all sorts of fruits.
She looks up at the blue sky, not a cloud in sight. A flock of birds fly overhead – Consider reducing to something like: She looks up at the cloudless sky. Maybe lose the birds.
Dan knells (kneels) down, unable to stand, totally shocked by this revelation – maybe becomes something like: Shocked, Dan collapses to his knees.

Dialogue
I can relate to this – stiff dialogue. I’m guessing if you had more time or were to rewrite, you’d change certain dialogue to make it flow smoother.
Also, keep an eye on expository dialogue, for example:
Mary, you had a miscarriage, four years ago. Do you remember? You don’t have a daughter. We don’t have a daughter. We lost her.
Might want to review Dr. Martin’s lines – if you want him to come across more as a caring and competent practitioner. Presently he sounds a bit heavy handed.

Maybe I missed it, but I couldn’t see the significance of the wedding ring. This takes up the best part of one page. I wonder if you could’ve used this space and energy to further escalate the tension between Mary and Dan before delivering the punch line. The ring, for me, was a bit ambiguous if you meant it to deliver meaningful conflict/tension.

A good read that would improve with some nip, tucking, and a bit more polishing. Ain’t that the way?


The journey is the reward.
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jayrex
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Hello,

This one is okay.  Not terribly exciting.  The story didn't real move along.  And the ending kinda felt strange.

There's a few errors in there.  The one I can remember and see is the second last paragraph from the end.  Dan kneels down...

Overall, a middle of the road script.

All the best,


Javier


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Angry Bear
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty good, but I had a few issues with it. I believe some of them have already been mentioned.

Some of your descriptions were odd and made me have to re-read. Like, the sun sets over the trees or something like that. I thought to myself "what?. I's evening already" Since it was supposed to be morning. Little things like that slows down the reading and takes me out of the story when I have to stop and check things.

I didn't really buy that this problem had just started... Seems too severe for that. Nor did I buy that she's totally dellusional and all of a sudden she knows exactly what is reality and just spits out that she had an abortion. Keeping that secret for four years and then just in a no nonsense why reveal it.

As a story it works well. I thought it was written well except for some of the description and the plot was very good. IMHO, you just need to fix the few things mentioned.

Good job whoever you are.  


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seamus19382
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Yeah, I agree this one's middle of the road.  The story itself isn't that great, but it is well written, if that makes sense.  I'm not sure why she's having this breakdown four years later,  or if she's been out of her mind for the last four years, in which case the shrinks in this state really suck.  

I think you have talent as a writer.  The writing itself is pretty good.  It just comes off like the kind of film James Dobson would force women to watch before they have an abortion to show how it's going to make them crazy!
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Breanne Mattson
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Hi Brian,

I didn’t read any of the other reviews.

No need to tell us he’s parked on the grass park. Park is in the slug. You could save an entire line by excising that one word.

Why say Chloe is “aged” 4? Chopping that word and the word over (stumbles instead of stumbles over) could probably save a line. I don’t mean to sound space obsessed -- haha. But anytime you see one or two or three words on a line, you can almost always rewrite and free up a line. Not always but almost always.

The sun sets above the hills “in the distance.” You’ve already established they’re looking in the distance. The sun implies distance. I think people will understand if you cut that.

I think your descriptions can be more economical. If Chloe runs between the “many” trees, then there’s no need to say the birds fly above the “many” trees later. There’s a lot of little information that gets repeated. It’s almost as if you kept feeling the need to establish the scene.

You know, if all someone does is sigh, I usually just make that a wryly. I mean you don’t want to get carried away with wrylies but sometimes they’re just the most efficient way to write something.

Things like nods: first off “nods her head” is redundant. Secondly it’s a good idea to avoid a character just nodding. Try to inject more into than that. She nods “okay” or “I give up” or something like that.

No need to say Dan “starts to” peel it. In most instances, a character either does something or he doesn’t. You could have written that paragraph as: “Dan ignores her, reaches into the basket, pulls out an orange. Mary watches his hand as he peels it.”

There are lots of places where you give us too much information, like “He holds his face, red with the force of the slap.” When know he’s been slapped. It’s usually a small over-description like that but you do it often enough that it thickens up your script in a negative way. Redundancy becomes taxing for the reader.

It’s implausible a doctor would use the word stupid regarding a patient. Not impossible. But implausible.

Re the story:

I didn’t find it totally plausible. If she had a miscarriage, why would Dan wonder why she was seeing Chloe? He must have already known it had something to do with the miscarriage. It had been four years. Seems Dan would have learned more about it by that time.

Secondly, I didn’t ultimately buy it. An abortion, which Mary full well chose, just didn’t strike me as enough to justify her level of illness. She’s pretty mentally ill. Ultimately I didn’t think Mary’s motive was enough to sustain her character.

Your descriptions and dialogue aren’t bad. They just need to be a little more economical. It’s not horribly overwritten. But a little too often. Enough to stand out as too much. The plot is put together well. I just don’t think it’s strong enough. Overall it needs to be more economical and the plot needs to be stronger.

The writing is good though. But it does need work.


Breanne



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Brian M
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Quoted from Zombie Sean
The main problem I had was the dialogue. It didn't seem very real at some parts. Especially Chloe's. Not only was she annoying, but she didn't seem to talk the way a four-year-old would. "Where's Daddy gone?" is a very intelligent thing for a four-year-old to say. "Is Daddy mad with me again?" Again? What did she do before to make him mad?  


I'm going to agree that dialogue is very much an issue here but in Chloe's case, it's meant to be that way. She's not real so she sounds the way Mary thinks she would sound as she's just a fragment of her imagination. "Is Daddy mad with me again?" is supposed to imply that Dan has been trying to get through to Mary for years to say that Chloe isn't real. Chloe is the cause of all the problems between them.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
Then there's Dr. Martin's line: "In the meantime, make sure she  doesnďż˝t do anything stupid." I don't know what kind of doctor Dr. Martin is, but I'm pretty sure no doctor would tell someone not to do anything "stupid." It's just not professional.


Agreed. The doctor's dialogue is bad. Very bad actually. This needs reworked.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
This dude, Dan, must really, really love his job to not care about his wife (or girlfriend?) considering abortion. To be honest, it's not realistic. Abortions are serious, and I'm sure they're more important than the job he has (whatever it is). But, I guess it's the only reason you could've given to make it a secret. And the ending was more comedic than dramatic. Crazy bitch on da loose!


Sean


The aim was that to show that Dan is so in love with his job he couldn't tell what Mary was going through. She wasn't considering abortion, it was more of a snap desicion because of Dan and his job. Because of the guilt, this brought the visions. I would argue against it not being realistic, people get wrapped up in their jobs all the time and hardly see their wifes and kids. The ending didn't come across well for me, looking back at it. Maybe she could just go back over to the rug, lie on her back and look up to the sky or something. I will admit I don't like the line this ended on.

Thanks for the review.


Quoted from michel
This one was very good. I do not agree with Sean. This is very serious matter. And very mature. In fact, abortion and "fantaisies" from a woman were the subjects of my very first screenplay, many years ago. I do feel concerned.
However, there are too many explanations about Mary's "visions". Audience is smart. You should take some of your dialogs out. IMHO


Thanks for the review. By the looks of it, I have been guilty of over describing things.


Quoted from bobtheballa
I really enjoyed this one as well. It was obvious something was up right when he said "her treatment's not working" but the twist wasn't what I expected.

I have to disagree with Sean's criticism of the little girl's dialogue. Because of the twist, the girl's dialogue couldn't be realistic for a 4-year old but instead needed to be what an older woman would expect a 4-year old to sound like. I think you accomplished this.


I'm glad you enjoyed it. You're spot on about the dialogue for Chloe.


Quoted from bobtheballa
I did have a small problem with the ending though. I'm not an expert on the subject of psychological disorders and amnesia but I have a hard time believing that it would all come back to Mary so quickly... the fact that she committed the abortion and why. I think this could've been handled more subtly, maybe after the doctor says that she's guilty about something, have Dan ask her if she still sees the little girl. Mary could then reply with something like, "no don't worry, I've killed her off again." Maybe not those exact words, but something a bit more subtle and less expository.

Other than that I really liked this one and thought it was really well done. Nice job!


Everything coming back so quickly seems to be a problem for most. I'm sure with a re-write, this can be fixed. Thanks for the feedback and review!
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Brian M
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Quoted from Dreamscale
This was OK, but that's about it.  Everything was just laid out too much for the audience to understand the story.  If this has been going on for 4 years, it makes even less sense.  It sounds like the problem just started and I don't buy that.

Not bad, but not good either.


Everything was laid out a bit too much. I feel like I've treated the audience like idiots with some of the descriptions and dialogue. It's not completely impossible for this to happen for four years. Maybe I should have mentioned something about her being in hospital for a long time but she's better now or something like that. There are ways I could have explained this better.


Quoted from Andrew
This one reminds me a little of 'Always and Forever' - the two are a variation on the 'seeing someone who doesn't exist and not letting go of them' theme.  So, from that standpoint, we've seen it before. The crux of this story, however, is the deceit. Mary has allowed Dan to believe her visions were due to an unfortunate event, but of course, they're actually a manifestation of her guilt.

This notion of repressed feelings tied up with deceit intrigues me. However, I don't feel the idea has been explored sufficiently. This is likely owing to the OWC time restriction. I would be keen to see a rewrite, as there is a good little story waiting to come out. Initially, the descriptions felt a little clunky


Descriptions were a problem throughout this. I agree that with all the feedback here, a rewrite could come out in good shape.


Quoted from Andrew
The 'fading' of Chloe would also likely be difficult and costly to film, so that might be due a rethink.

Good story, but just lacking a little in execution.

Andrew


I never wrote it with the intention of it being filmed. It was more of an exercise to get me back writing again. This is one of those cases where I can cross that bridge when if I come to it.

Thanks for your thoughts. They are much appreciated.


Quoted from Sham
This is easily the best I've read so far for the OWC. The writer has carefully put together the story of two troubled people trying to get over a painful memory, with a twist that is equal parts unexpected and memorable.

I do have some criticism/thoughts.

A lone rabbit runs from behind one tree to another not too far away from the watchful eye of Chloe.

The park is beautiful. We get it. Don't add pointless cutesy animals to convey its majesty.


Thanks. This is probably my best review. I'm glad you liked the twist and the overall story. The lone rabbit line was meant to be the first clue that Chloe is not real. I don't think a rabbit would run past someone a few feet away, it would run in the other direction. The rabbit and Chloe are part of the perfect little world Mary thinks she's living in, but it's really just her imagination.


Quoted from Sham
Other readers have mentioned the dialogue becoming heavy when everything is explained, and I agree to a certain extent. I didn't like how everything suddenly came back to Mary all at once. Too convenient. I also didn't like the doctor's "don't do anything stupid" line. Very distracting.

Another reader mentioned Chloe's fading effect to be costly and difficult, but who cares? The object of this exercise was to write a story about a secret at a family picnic. The writer shouldn't have to undermine their story because a nonexistent budget is holding them back. Do whatever the hell you want until a producer/filmmaker shows interest in it. Then you can go back and take out whatever might be too expensive to accomplish.

Overall, I really liked this one/bordering on loving it with a new draft.


Dialogue needs to be looked at. I cringe when I read the fruits line again, thanks for pointing that out. How everything comes back to Mary will also need to be reworked. I agree about the fading effect part. Again, thanks for the review and feedback.


Quoted from mythos
I like the way you created emotional connection to your characters, including the imaginary Chloe. Your positioning of Chloe’s: Don’t let me go, mommy! delivered quite a punch. I thought the way you wrote Mary’s “composure” at the end was very effective. I read this as her imploding emotionally and cascading into catatonia.


There is a difference of opinion on Mary's composure at the end. Some don't think it's not realistic, some think it's effective. I don't know what to think myself.

I agree about the descriptions. They need major cuts as they do slow the reading down. Dialogue too, needs to be reworked. I will look at this when it comes to a rewrite.

Thanks for the review, it is much appreciated.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Brian M  -  April 18th, 2009, 5:41am
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Quoted from jayrex
Hello,

This one is okay.  Not terribly exciting.  The story didn't real move along.  And the ending kinda felt strange.

There's a few errors in there.  The one I can remember and see is the second last paragraph from the end.  Dan kneels down...

Overall, a middle of the road script.


Thanks for your thoughts. This was not for everyone. I agree about the strange ending, it will need to be looked at.


Quoted from Angry Bear
This one was pretty good, but I had a few issues with it. I believe some of them have already been mentioned.

Some of your descriptions were odd and made me have to re-read. Like, the sun sets over the trees or something like that. I thought to myself "what?. I's evening already" Since it was supposed to be morning. Little things like that slows down the reading and takes me out of the story when I have to stop and check things.

I didn't really buy that this problem had just started... Seems too severe for that. Nor did I buy that she's totally dellusional and all of a sudden she knows exactly what is reality and just spits out that she had an abortion. Keeping that secret for four years and then just in a no nonsense why reveal it.

As a story it works well. I thought it was written well except for some of the description and the plot was very good. IMHO, you just need to fix the few things mentioned.

Good job whoever you are.  


The ending does come too quick. It appears I do have a lot of explaining to do in the next draft on how this all came about and why it's lasted four years. Thanks for the read and feedback!


Quoted from seamus19382
Yeah, I agree this one's middle of the road.  The story itself isn't that great, but it is well written, if that makes sense.  I'm not sure why she's having this breakdown four years later,  or if she's been out of her mind for the last four years, in which case the shrinks in this state really suck.  

I think you have talent as a writer.  The writing itself is pretty good.  It just comes off like the kind of film James Dobson would force women to watch before they have an abortion to show how it's going to make them crazy!


Yeah, the shrinks really do suck! Thanks for the feedback.


Quoted from Breanne Mattson

Re the story:

I didn’t find it totally plausible. If she had a miscarriage, why would Dan wonder why she was seeing Chloe? He must have already known it had something to do with the miscarriage. It had been four years. Seems Dan would have learned more about it by that time.

Secondly, I didn’t ultimately buy it. An abortion, which Mary full well chose, just didn’t strike me as enough to justify her level of illness. She’s pretty mentally ill. Ultimately I didn’t think Mary’s motive was enough to sustain her character.

Your descriptions and dialogue aren’t bad. They just need to be a little more economical. It’s not horribly overwritten. But a little too often. Enough to stand out as too much. The plot is put together well. I just don’t think it’s strong enough. Overall it needs to be more economical and the plot needs to be stronger.

The writing is good though. But it does need work.


Breanne


Thanks for the great feedback and all your examples of over describing action lines. I will work on them. The plot could be stronger, more has to be explained on why this is happening and why it's happening now.

Thanks for all the feedback, it will help make the next draft stonger when I start it.

Revision History (1 edits)
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