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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Adopted
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michel
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Okay. I won't repeat what others said (Yes, I read the reviews) but i'm gonna try to concentrate on what I would call plot hole.

In page 2., you write "Henry stops suddenly." Stop what? I assume he's making love to Alison. If he stops, he couldn't have come yet. Am I wrong? So, how comes he could be Billy's father.

Then, you never proved Henry was Billy's father. Either Billy didn't prove it. Alison never confessed. Bob only supposes. Furthermore, where is the revealed secret?  No one (except Alison) knows the truth.

IMHO

Michel


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rc1107
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Judging by the action descriptions and the dialoge, I'm guessing the writer of this one is very considerably young.  There is definately a lot of much needed work on proper grammar and punctuation here.  And trust me...  that will only come from practice and a lot... a heck of a lot of reading.  Everything you can get your hands on.  Books, screenplays, newspapers, whether it's boring, whether it's interesting...  learn the language.

For instance, when you say the door creaks open unheard.  If it's unheard, then it can't really creak, can it?  The door just opens slowly.

And I don't know about how much I want to get into what Michel said, considering I don't know the age of the writer, and I don't know the proper way to say it without being offensive, but even though Henry had stopped, yes, Allison could still have gotten pregnant from him that night.  It is possible for sperm to survive for 72 hours in the man's pre-come.  (That's my politically correct way of spelling 'pre-come', by the way, instead of ending it 'um'.)

But there's a whole other huge plothole here.  Allison and Henry have done it more than once.  Remember, he said he's getting tired of this 'role-playing' stuff.  That said, it makes it pointless for Bob 16 years in the future to remember only one random night that he seemingly never gave a second thought to since.

I see the aim the writer was taking here, but yes, the whole story kind of crumbles along the way.  And the ending was a bit ridiculous, with the punch and everybody's peachy after that.

Definately work on plot and language.

- Mark


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from michel
In page 2., you write "Henry stops suddenly." Stop what? I assume he's making love to Alison. If he stops, he couldn't have come yet. Am I wrong? So, how comes he could be Billy's father.


They probably had sex more than once, I'm guessing.



I'm afraid I didn't like this one too much. Yes, yes, the beginning was exciting and all, but with an ending with that much of a letdown? And the middle where things spring up all of a sudden? The dialogue was a big ridiculous when it comes to realism (and, I can't remember who said it, but I can't agree more with the use of "son" in this script. They said it so much, I asked myself if it was meant as a joke?), and I'm sure I'm not the last to mention it, but the fact that Bob remembered the window being open 16 years ago was insane. Ha ha. This was a comedy for me. I'm actually sure you meant to swing that way. I really hope you meant to.

It's a good plot, but you just need to execute it better.

Sean


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michel
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean


They probably had sex more than once, I'm guessing.


Why don't the writer tell us? Remember they just have 3 or 4 hours ahead. I can't figure other people than French could compete all four hours long...


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michel
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Err... It's a joke LOL


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rc1107
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean
They probably had sex more than once, I'm guessing.



Quoted from Michel
Why don't the writer tell us?


Actually, the writer did:


Quoted from Adopted
The MAN whips Alison around, and takes his hand away from
her mouth.  He smiles.

MAN
Iím fed up with role-play...


That tells us that they've done this kind of thing before.

But it's still a moot point, though.  She still could've gotten pregnant from him that night.  Sperm can survive for 72 hours in a man's pre-cum.  (The hell with being politically correct anymore.)  :-)  So as long as he was inside her...  he didn't have to finish to put a little 'un inside her.


And by the way, just out of curiosity, Michel...  I noticed you have 'Pray for her' underneath your wife's picture.  Is she okay?


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theMADhatter
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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I had trouble getting through this, I felt the dialogue was forced and unnatural. "I'm just opening up the window as I'm hot". No one speaks like that. Ever. Also, the beginning scene totally debunked the title. I could see where things were going. Once I knew this, reading the script just unraveled my assumptions. No big things came from it, nothing profound. Ended abruptly and no way are they even. If two punches equals 16 years of living a lie and being betrayed... didn't buy it. Seemed like you were just tying to make the 12 page deadline.

-kjb.



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onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
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michel
Posted: April 16th, 2009, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107


She still could've gotten pregnant from him that night.  Sperm can survive for 72 hours in a man's pre-cum.  (The hell with being politically correct anymore.)  :-)  So as long as he was inside her...  he didn't have to finish to put a little 'un inside her.


But Alison says too the try and try top get a babY? The baby could be his husband.

I think it'd have been more suspense fuil to wait for the DNA results to be sure. There were one chance out of two it could be Henry. Anf if he did,  in this end when Bob punches him it couid stick theDNA results into his mouth and then beat him up. Only one kissers is ridiculus.


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