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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Retrieval - OWC
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  Author    Retrieval - OWC  (currently 3495 views)
Don
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Retrieval by Darren J Seeley - Short, Shark - A smuggler kidnaps a newlywed to assist him in recovering his loot, which is guarded by a rogue shark. 12 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 19th, 2014, 4:04pm
Revised draft
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rendevous
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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This one appears to be just a title page.

Post modernism minimalist art gone even madder perhaps?


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Ledbetter
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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I dug this one.

Retrieval gives us a feel for the brevity of life and how easy it is for our own 'title page" to be gone in a flash.

I did however, see the ending coming...

Shawn.....><
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StevenClark
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Or perhaps just showing off the clever pseudonym.


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Ledbetter
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Perhaps!

But I felt this one.

I wept!

shawn.....><
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quickest read yet!

Seriously, whoever wrote this contact Don. Maybe it'll get up there...
Other option is for this thread to go bye-bye
Otherwise, it's a GREAT title! Very ironic!


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

Revision History (1 edits)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  April 6th, 2014, 8:58pm
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Don
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Link to script fixed.

Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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nawazm11
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 2:05am Report to Moderator
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First paragraph is awkward, seems like a newer writer.

No need to put those useless asides there. Waste of three lines.

Writing is so bland and lacking any real visuals. Needs a rework or at least some actual depth.

Description of Zed makes little to no sense. Confusing more than anything.

They talked for 2 pages about taking a picture? Like really? Wow...

Take a good look at who? What the hell was happening with that cave scene?

Page 6, I have literally no clue where we're at and what they're talking about.

Not a fan here, thought the writing took a lot away from the script. How am I meant to get excited about a shark attack when we're presented with less than 5 words of description. It's not visual either, and I'd suggest trying to add a little more meat to your writing. The story doesn't make sense either, and you take too long to get into it. You could easily cut this down to 5 pages. I was lost after the 6th page and that's obviously a bad sign.
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Dustin
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 2:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

ZED, (30s) the man with the gun. Hawaiian shirt and hardcore
attitude to go with it. His rage shows in his crazy eyes. Who
knows what this psycho is capable of doing. [b]Even he don’t.[/b]



Watch out for those types of asides. This isn't working. Also, with the rest of your action lines, I'm getting the vibe that you're almost afraid to write them. Maybe because English isn't your first language and you're afraid of this getting picked up... or maybe scared of revealing your particular style... whatever it is, it's not making the read go well. There is a lot missing.

An action story that has some good elements, but needs a lot of work.


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mmmarnie
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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I wish my brain was half as wise as my ass.

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Well, there were spelling and grammar issues throughout but the story was pretty good. I was pleasantly surprised because honestly, it started out a little hokey. Lana and Pete's banter went on a bit long and was getting annoying. But I'm glad I stuck this one out because it was pretty good. I enjoyed it.

Nice job on this OWC!!

Pg. 5 - Pete's dialog should be (VO)
Pg. 7 - You call Lana "Lara" twice in the action.


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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rendevous
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 2:29am Report to Moderator
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It appears to have got longer. Unabridged at last.

To suntan? Is that like Olympians medal? I unlike it.

Sparse writing. Some of the dialogue is okay. But a lot of it feels like filler and somewhat forced.

I've not seen a Zed since Pulp Fiction.

Have to agree with nawazm11 on a lot of points. It was way too sparse in places for it to work. It reads fast but at a cost to high to your story.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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Lana vs Lara. Choose one, stick with it.
One slug has a lower case C.
The opening with Pete and -I'll go with Lana since it's more common in script- it's alright but should have been a little shorter. She comes off as a little nagging. I would have thought more better of it if the iPhone became more of a plot device rather than a Maguffin or Pete did come up with a small baby squid and got his bride to pucker up. Hey, back in the teaser thread I did say it could be romantic, right? Oh well.

I would not have minded a page or brief scene showing Jack's demise. Yes, you could show a dead body and it wouldn't count as a character, but it would have made for a nice cold open I think.There still would have been only four speaking characters.

I didn''t hate the script. Good use of the shark, Good surprise at the end too. Everything points to a predictable outcome where I expected...you know...


Quoted Text

"Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead." - Pulp Fiction


***SPOILER***

Bit Zed not only gets to kill and/or wound the shark, but gets away! Not a bad thing, because there is a beat or two that suggests Lana didn't make it either by shark or Zed shooting her too. That's what I loved about the script most of all. It wasn't predictable. So much so that I think this may have been a regular at SS and you were (as someone else pointed out) trying to hide your style but perhaps it could have also finding the right groove. Once things got to the cave, the read zipped by.

I'd polish it up.
-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Ok a few writing issues as we go along and I'm not sold on the dialogue or the go faster boat

I did like the slugline with.   cAVE

I don't mind the abbriavted writing, many pro's use it, but sometimes it feels harsh.

The ending seemed unlikely.

A man kidnaps a woman, forces her to swim down past a shark, he dead friend alongside, all for some illegal cash which then decides to share and save her...I struggled with that reversal.

Kidnapping someone to swim past a shark for some booty is fine, not a bad idea, but I feel it needs a bit more. The scenes with the husband and his phone etc seemed to go on too long since they don't form a core part to the story.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Agh...this is a tough one to review.

I'm not too sure, but the deadline might of had this writer rushin'. I can say without a doubt the premise (once figured out) is good. Most would probably say the writing is horrible, but I think the presentation outweighs it. That and the dialogue.

Get to the premise sooner. I appreciated the playful buildup to an extent, but after that it either needs to have bearing on the conclusion, or it needs to be brief. The dialogue is not so good. But cleaning that up shouldn't be difficult. Even less dialogue would suit the story. When you write a skinny page, the dialogue is expected to be above average.

Not a way to end a story, thought there was a twist headed in.

Best of luck rewriting, it's a story that's worthy of one.

Johnny
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albinopenguin
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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Intriguing log lone.

There's nothing hardcore about a Hawaiin shirt.

This one got better as it went along. Still not overly excited about it. I would bulk up the descriptors a bit. Give us a better sense of what's going on.

Straight up C for me. Not terrible, not amazing IMO. Congrats on the entry.


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