Terror At Sea by OWC - Short, Shark - It was supposed to be a day of fun on the ocean but as one family quickly learns...the ocean has many secrets. - pdf, format

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Don

Although this is a pretty decent story, Sam needs to be a little older.

13 just seems too young for her charector. Don't get me wrong, the subject matter doesn't bother me. It just seems the girl herself and the dialog belongs to a girl in her mid teens. 15 or 16 would work perfect IMO.

Killing him with a snail was a bit off as well. It seemed as though the shark was left as a clean up and not a center point of the story. In fact, there was hardly any "sharkness" to this.

It was a good story. I think you need to bring Ol Sharky to the front of the story though.

Great job for a week!!!

Shawn.....><

Good job continually raising the stakes. Nick's character is drawn out, but it's anything but beautiful. There are some great psychological angles being worked here. An uncomfortable situation for both Sam and the reader. You've make Sam someone to root for by default, but what if there was more?

Even when it made me nauseous at times, it was good it wasn't taken to extremes. Nice effort.

Johnny

Overall, I liked this. Nick has a lot on his mind though. He jabbers on a lot. But there's a bit of suspense going on here. Script could be tighter, but for a OWC, it's not bad. If there's any issue I really have it is stuff like this

Quoted Text Nick unties the collar from Sam's neck, picks her up and carries her to the -- INT. FISHING VESSEL - CABIN - NIGHT Opens the door, pushes her inside. NICK Get your rest. Got a long day ahead of you. He closes the door.

I know it's an old screenwriting tool to feel like an unbroken take. But it doesn't have the same effect as a subhead. You are going from an EXT to an INT. It actually reads better if...

Quoted Text Nick unties the collar from Sam's neck, picks her up and carries her, - INT. FISHING VESSEL - CABIN - NIGHT Pushes her inside. NICK Get your rest. Got a long day ahead of you. He closes the door.

A good job overall though.
-DjS

This was not bad. Started well and with no inkling of the carnage to follow.

The super hinted at where it was as any Jaws fan should know.

Sort of a downer story but competently written.

Give it a 6.5

I always it find it hard to read a story when then some of the characters are so briefly described. I forget who is who. It may be Alzheimer's, early onset obviously. Or not.

Now where was I? And who are you?

I wasn't quite convinced by the snail. And 'chum' made me wonder if I'd forgotten a character. It's a pet food as far I know. Or what posher types call their friends.

I'll look it up. Ah, so it can be fish bait. If you'd have called it fish bait that would have saved me oooh, seconds. Or I could look at it as I learned something new. Which I will.

Still, every subsequent mention had me thinking for a moment - why's he doing that with dog food? But that's my fault.

The stakes raise as it goes along. I liked the end. Quite a bit too. Worked pretty well.

R

Cape cod, nice location, I'm planning to use it for one of my later features.

When reading the rules, they came across to me as you should ONLY have four characters. And that's including crowds and such. Not a cheat per say but it takes away the spirit of the contest since quite a few writers, me included, avoided putting big bunches of people for this reason.

Second paragraph is fragmented and doesn't read nicely, you're writing two different statements in one sentence.

"Without warning -- the boat swings in a tailspin catapulting
Jenny twenty feet overboard." Wait, what? 6 meters?  That must be a HUGE spin.

So, Sam was raped? Not very clear, it's a fucked up thing to say but it would evoke a better reaction from the reader if we saw at least when he makes a move on her. Very unclear at this moment, too repetitive, why doesn't he just do it when he first locks her in the room?

Nick is a psychopath -- and I don't mean that in a good way. WTF is wrong with him, it's comical the way he's going about this. Trying to dance with her before he rapes her? Where's the common sense in that? Not a good move on your part, writer. You could've cut down 5 pages if you just skipped all that non sense.

I think you overestimate how strong a 13 year old girl can be. Even I'd have trouble trying to throw a full grown 6 foot man overboard.

Well, the writing needs work. Dialogue was okay, could've been a lot better. Definitely not a terrible script, not very good either. Had its highs and lows. Unlike most of the other entries, you actually tried to milk out the tension in the scene so this was a little different to your boring and typical shark attack tale. Nick made this worse than it should be. Sound effort.

Another dark gratuitous fantasy with an insane character. What's wrong with you people? lol!

I’m not fussed about the crowds, to me crowds are not characters but background to a scene so in a sense it fits the parameters of the challenge, but that’s just my opinion.  

It was written well and I could follow it all clearly. I too doubt a 13 year old girl could throw an adult body overboard.

Death by sea snail seems kind of weak but to be honest I was just glad he was killed and didn’t care how by that point.

You completed and entered the owc so well done for that.

Mark

Poor Sam, Mom and Grandpa shark food, then...Nick. Ugh.

Nick was a good villain although maybe a tad over the top.

I thought the snail thing was odd when first intro'd. Same gathered shells and inadvertently picked up a deadly cone snail.  Now having spent LOTS of time on Cape Cod myself, I had to look this up and Cone Snails are located in Pacific waters. Just a little FYI. Also a peace of mind for myself next time I step into the Atlantic.   But it worked for your story since Sam throws it at Nick.

As for Sam...there were things that worked and things that didn't. Shedding a tear over a dead fish she's had for 2 minutes...not thinking a 13 year old would do that.  Dragging Nick's body and tossing him overboard, unlikely. But I do like the idea of a teen girl prevailing.

Solid effort for this OWC.

Too unbelievable for me this one. How did a thirteen-year-old girl drag a fully grown man anywhere, let alone lift him up and throw him overboard. It just wouldn't be possible without the guy helping her along. Be hard enough for a man to do it, a young girl would have no chance at all.

Not only that but the whole plot seems off. The guy goes to all the trouble of putting chum on someone's boat just so that it will be attacked by sharks, and only the parents will be killed, obviously... and he's done it before... Too much trouble when he could kidnap a kid from anywhere.

Written well, but the story is extremely weak.

Bit of a mixed bag for me. The writing's pretty good, but it felt a bit rushed, falling into clumsy and awkward at times.

I love the setup. The initial shark attacks work so well, and the horror of the girl witnessing it all was gut-wrenching. I was so looking forward to a 13 year old stranded on a dead boat with a shark in the water that the twist was actually a huge disappointment.

I don't buy that the shark was being used as a means to target specific people. Nice idea, but doesn't make sense, at least not how it's explained here. Certainly not as elaborate as baiting the boat, and following them without being noticed? Thin, very thin.

If the point here is to thrust us into uncomfortable territory, you need to commit. The girl gets raped, like immediately. We don't need to see it, but we need to KNOW it happened. That said, I don't like the whole Nick angle as I mentioned so it wouldn't matter for my personal taste.

Mostly I wondered why Nick kept the fish bowl. Certainly not sentiment, so what's it doing on the boat? I don't mind death-by-snail, though slapping him while HOLDING the snail would make it a more active kill and totally believable, even triumphant.

Good writing, doesn't work for me.

Hey writer,

Pretty good effort for a week. Your actions were written well, and there was good visualization throughout. I enjoyed how this did a complete 360 and turned everything up to that point on its ear.

As one commenter noted, the girl could have been older. Perhaps instead of her mother and grandfather you could have substituted a boyfriend who maybe was forced to watch the indignities forced upon our heroine. Either way it makes for an interesting read. The killer snail was a clever device. Never would have thought of that. You apparently did a bit of research. I never knew a snail could kill.

Or perhaps it can't? Had me fooled.

Anyway, pretty decent tale. Congrats on getting this written.

Steve

Ok with a title like Terror at Sea, I was hoping you’d start with something tone setting to be honest instead of a family day at the beach.

Sam does not sound like any thirteen year old I’ve ever been around. She speaks more to her parents and grand like she is around five.

Then by midway through, we finally have some sort of shark attack. Then Sam wakes up in a cabin with bars and Nick? What? So I guess it’s some sort of kidnapping?

“Sam stares for a moment. Smiling. Dawn breaks over the
horizon. The nightmare is finally over... She's alive.”  I just can’t buy this. I’m sorry.

This one needs a lot of work in my opinion. I don’t care about any of the characters at all. Sorry.

Title - not sure why but this doesn't do much for me. Seems a little melodramatic, but lets see...

Until nick turns up I was thinking this was all very predictable and familiar

It then went all extra nasty, the whole thing a set up. Somehow he placed fish next to the boat, cut the engine and just about summoned a shark.

Being trapped aboard a boat with a mad man feeding sharks is a very intense place and that alone could work. Will she live extra. The poisonous snail wasn't a bad idea. The family episode before then into the boat seemed too much.

Got potential.

Nice find on the cone snail. I’ll be sure to avoid them.

I feel like you’re missing out on some potential tension by skipping forward to John already in the water.

Why would Jenny stop swimming? I wouldn’t.

Pg. 6 “Not the good kind!” This kind of interjection in the scene you’ve created is inappropriate. It makes me think you’re enjoying this and it’s testing my patience.

Pg. 8 Alright, you’ve got different angle on Nick here, so that’s nice. I’ll admit I prefer my psychopaths to be charming.

I pictured Sam to be too small to drag Nick anywhere.

And at the last line, is this a Jaws prequel?  

This showed some inventiveness. I don’t think Nick’s “chum-boat” plan makes a whole lot of sense. Maybe he’s like the Joker and he just creates chaos to exploit the results, but there’s no way he could know that Sam wouldn’t get eaten by the shark as well.

I could see the cone snail coming back. I thought it was a little convenient that it would just be there when she woke up, but the whole ‘Nick the Romancer’ thing kind of covers it. All in all, not too bad

Congrats on completing the OWC

Pretty easy read out of the gate.  I’m with you so far…

Page 2 – Little writing issues here and there, but nothing all that major.

Page 3 – Still with you.  Writing’s easy and for the most part, pretty good.  I also like the characters and the cone snail - but are tehy really located around Amity?

Page 4 – 20 feet?  Really?  First real issue is right here as this doesn’t fly with me.

This isn’t a great page for sure.  The shark just took grandpa seconds ago, now it’s taking Jenny as well?  You really need more time in between attacks to make them more tension filled.

“  Big mistake! She's pulled under. Gone forever.” – I agree – BIG MISTAKE to add crap like this, when the writing was so nice before it.

Page 5 – Another aside and a completely different tone all of a sudden – not a good move, IMO.

“…how are you’re gonna help me.” – Obvious mistake here, but more importantly, I can tell the writing’s falling apart at this point – rushed, not nearly as nice a flow.  Time coming into play for the writer?  I have a feeling it is.

Wo…now we’re really heading in a new direction and it’s not to my liking, sorry to say.

Page 6 – Yeah, your writing style has totally changed now.  Short fragments, typos, mistakes.  Almost as if it’s a different writer.

“Not the good kind!” – OMG…really?  The aside itself is bad enough, but then you go and use an exclamation point?  Not good…

Very passive writing going on now, as well.  There was a little early on, but now it’s running rampant.

Page 8 – lots of asides and unfilmables everywhere now.  This seriously feels like a different writer has taken over.

Ah yes…I knew it! Return of Cone Snail!  It was pretty obvious this little critter would return and save the day…well…let’s see if it does.

Page 10 – Wait…Sam just picked this guy up and tossed him overboard?  She’s 1 strong little tyke, huh?

“The nightmare is finally over.” – Indeed.

Well, you started out strong, went in a completely different direction, killing off 2 nice peeps and then terrorizing little Sam with sadistic fuck Nick.  It didn’t quite work, as planned and 1 big issue is the writing, which went to shite after Page 4 or so.  I also think you ended this too quickly, and lost lots of power by doing that, but maybe time was running out.

Not a bad entry by any means and actually, probably 1 of the better ones overall.  It could be much better, though, as it’s just not believable or properly handled.

Congrats on entering.

p.5 What you should be
asking yourself is how are you're
gonna help me?

NICK
The seashells add a nice touch to
the room, don't you think?. Thought
to myself, Nick, she would adore
you if you surprised her with it.
-- Did Nick mean the seashells or the flower? I'm a bit confused here.

Not too sure she'd be able to pick him up... maybe pushes him over?

I was 50:50 on this one. I think there's some good story elements in there - the shell comes in nice and early, and the fishy smell and the antagonist are all in by the start of page two, so key elements have been set up.

I'll buy in up to page five, where we have the mid-point twist, which I quite like.

After that I wonder if you know what to do. Clearly you don't want to go in to Nick having his way with Sam -- and I'm glad that you didn't go there. But haviing referenced that this is Nick's intention, you then have to put it off, and it leaves things a little loose - he gets her to clean the decks instead?

It's possible that you could have stuck in a line to the effect that Nick didn't expect her to have survived?

What does happen is some STC fun 'n' games stuff with Nick hanging her off the boat, and this doesn't totally rub. Possibly you could have invested in their relationship somewhat during this bit.

Lastly onto Nick getting killed - a bit more of a struggle might have worked here - maybe Nick being partially paralysed, and grabbing onto her leg as he's slipping overboard? I'd have even liked to have seen her really struggle to get Nick out of the room - I think there's action you could have exploited here.

Lastly - I wouldn't have Sam smiling - she's alone on a boat, her Mother and Grandpa dead, and she's deeply traumatised - I think that needs to be acknowledged to give it a little more gravitas.

While this has a lot of misses, I think it's got a lot of merits too - it's just that there's some dramatic angles that I think you could have exploited that were left untouched. Good entry.

It was supposed to be a day of fun on the ocean but as one family quickly learns...the ocean has many secrets…

… and turned into a nightmare for said family because of some fruitcake who loves to paint boats with chum, sodomize underage girls, and (said in a creepy, raspy, Gollam voice)… murder!

I’ve never been to Cape Cod, and I hear it’s beautiful, and I love that 90’s sitcom ‘Wings’ and, wait… that was Nantucket. Anyways, this had some seriously dark undertones, and not an incredibly far stretch of the imagination to push it in the similar direction of the movie Cape Fear. I thank you for that, cause now have that sick-pedo image of Robert De Niro’s character (Max Cady) shoving his dirty fingers into Juliette Lewis’s mouth… not good, LOL.

Sam and Jenny come up to the speed boat, but there’s no name (for the boat). I remember that ol’ dude in Forrest Gump telling us that it’s bad luck to not name a boat. You don’t have to call it the ‘jenny’ of course, perhaps something witty and urbane that tells us were definitely not about to take a three hour tour.

So Nick forces Sam to clean his boat, and all the while he’s grooming himself for her? To say this guy is in denial of the particular relationship he’s created between them is an understatement. I think it’s safe to say Nick is a psycho… for real, not a euphemism.

The Cone Snail was a nice touch. I’ve never heard of that potent little thing, but then again, I live absolutely nowhere near an ocean. There are mosquitoes here, and one laid me out for a week with West Nile Virus; they jacked me up on copious amounts of morphine… way out of scope, sorry.

OK we’re done, and I’m glad to hear Sam made it out alive, as well as, Nick’s fate with the jaws of retribution. This was suspenseful, psychologically messed with me, and was definitely a great entry for one week’s work!

Interesting idea that took a 180 half way through with mixed results for me. I agree with others that maybe the girls age should be 16. Not to say a 13 yr old couldn't lift a grown man overboard but it's also hard to imagine it too. Nice touch with the cone snail (had to look that up) paralyzing Nick at the end. Justice served I guess with him getting eaten by the shark. All in all, not bad. Solid effort for one week.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Cape Fear meets Jaws.

A nice family day is ruined by a psychopath. Nice foreshadowing with cone snail. Not only does it appear later, but it also hints at survival aspects of nature. The seeminly harmless can defeag the obvious predator. In this case, a little girl vs a maniac.  

Boat breaks. Nice tension building. Mom and dad are eaten by shark. Girl is alone and defenceless. I wonde if nick attacks here would be better than passout. Knocked out and awakens in boat cell. I like that sam is feisty, calls nick an asshole. It suggests she will fight back, she's not helpless.

Nick another case of insert psycho here, that happened a number of times this OWC. This one is truly vicious, at least. And you also didn't forget to get vicious with shark (as per parameters).

Chain and dog collar is way too creepy. Sam should be older, like 15 or something.  It's too brutal and suggestive.  Good job getting under our skin and making us squirm. Nick's death better be satisfying and equally brutal. And it gets worse as she is lowered over boat. This sadistic psycho. Nice foreshadowing though. We've got 2 ways to kill him now. Wow. He molests her. Touching her thigh. And it suggests more. I can't wait to see this asshole get torn to pieces.

Quite a turn. Nick tries to seduce and charm sam. Dressed nice. Hair cuf. Shaved. Her fishbowl and shells. Creepy. And it builds with the dance. If filmed right this will be so skincrawling. Embellish this scene.

They dance, revolving around fishbowl. Each twirl and revolution gets them closer to snail. Sam eyes it each time. Every turn. Maybe nick gets physically closer, each revolve, hands wandering. She is seducing him. She is in control. He can get closer as long as she gets closer, to snail.

As is, he asks of snail. Instead he should snatch it. Again, sam plays him, saying... you know what that is.. as he holds it... she describes... as tentacle emerges... he watches curious, smiling... sam mentions deadly, as tentacle searches Nick's palm... too late he's poisoned already. He collapses.

I actually think it would be more effective if a gun was on the table. She shoots him. In pain. Crippled enough so she can get the collar on him. She forces him to deck. Shoots again. He falls to deck. She could even let snail loose at this point. Either way he's facing the water. As sam lowers him, like he did to her. Shark leaps and kills him. Decapitating him. Sam watches. She doesn't pull in the chain. The shark jumps and tears apart torso. Revenge.

Nice homage to jaws, as fin heads to amity.

Nasty bad guy. Brutal. Perverse. Good shark attacks. Vigilante justice. Consider reworking to make even better.

A dark ride, but also intense and exciting.

I mention these suggestions because I liked what you have here. It's graphic, brutal, and intense. I'd focus on the primitive desire for revenge. He deserves it, if anyone does. More practical too. He walks to edge, no need to have small girl carry him.

Well, I like the ending shot on this one.  Very nice nod to the Jaws series.  And Sam's escape - though telegraphed - worked as well.

The rest of it...  I give the writer kudos for creating a dramatic, conflict filled script.  But this one edges far too closely to torture porn for me.  And the fact that Sam is so young makes me even more uneasy/queasy.  No reason she couldn't have been sixteen or so.  Have a preteen chained up by the neck and threatened with rape...?  Sure, the bad guy's supposed to be evil (extremely black and white evil, in fact), but it's just... bad vibes for me.

Cheers,

Janet (W)

22. Terror At Sea - It was supposed to be a day of fun on the ocean but as one family quickly learns...the ocean has many secrets.
Brief - Pedophile at sea captures a girl with a  snail, snail kills him, she feeds him to the shark.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 5
Sam, Jenny, John, Nick, shark
Scenes to Build  - 5
NE beach, dock, boat 2x, boat INT
Accessory Visual - average
Seashell c/u, bucket, Nick’s boat
Accessory Audio - average
Beach waves, running outboard motor, wake waves

Genre & Marketability - Thriller drama
Script format - Good
Comments  -  HFS! WTH kinda title page IS THAT?! 12pt courier only please. All caps if you want.
     The snail thing’s kinda contrived. By page four I’m reading ahead w/o logging items because I get the feel this is… yeah, this is not any story I can use for the short film festival circuit. Sorry.
     However, it’s a fine psycho-on-a-boat story. Nick’s very horrible in a generic sort of way. Ah, page eight, there’s where that contrived snail comes into play. Sam prolly oughtta ROLL Nick off the deck into the water.
Final word - Pass. I don’t know what the market is for this kind of story.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 9.5          Screenplay Pages
= 95/143     Total Build Hours Time Cost