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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Blood in the Water - OWC
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  Author    Blood in the Water - OWC  (currently 4617 views)
Don
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blood in the Water by Cold Blooded - Short, Shark - A friendly wager between three friends, a race across the lake. What they quickly discover is - this swim will be a race for their lives. - pdf, format


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rendevous
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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'Because their stupid'

Erm no. There's a joke here somewhere. If only I was a little smarter.

About halfway it picks up. But there's a severe lack tension here. Which is a big problem in a story like this. I don't particularly like the characters, so I don't really care enough about what happens to them.

And I didn't. There was too much telling instead of showing. If the dialogue was improved and the tension upped this would work out well.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Very awkwardly worded opening passage ending in an orphan.

Next passage is also very poorly written, and going back to your opening, you’ve got 2 guys and a gal, one being tall and one being short, I doubt they’re going to be standing shoulder to shoulder.

“Because their stupid.” – Really?  “their” not the only stupid ones.

The banter is approaching pisser realm, but I don’t think that’s the intent.  Let’s see where we go from here…

“And your talking?” – Bro…c’mon, man.  Really?

“…you guy’s ready?” – Wow, just shocking how poorly this is written. Did you read it back even 1 time?

So, they’re in a $100 race swimming as fast as they can for 200 yards, and immediately the 2 dudes start talking to each other? While they’re swimming?  That I would pay to see.

And on Page 5, this little nugget of an aside is what broke my camel-like back and I’m gone, as I don’t care at all what happens to these idiots.  “As this friendly wager has now become a race for their lives.”

Congrats on entering.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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marnieml
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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I wish my brain was half as wise as my ass.

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Had to laugh at the type-o on page 1: "Because their stupid".  

I was actually into this until page 7 when the old man shows up. "What's that sonny"? - for me that turned it all cartoonish. Totally changed the vibe.

Good idea that I think could have been a lot better.  Congrats on entering.


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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stevie
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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I read it all the way though but I'm still trying to work out where the old guy in the boat popped up from.

When they turn to look for Liz, the lake is empty lol.  And it was hilarious when the dude was telling of trying to swim across when he was younger: he only made it halfway? So I assume he was tired, ok? So I guess he...swam...back...

Give this a 5 for the sheer entertainment value


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nawazm11
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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"Because their stupid." They're.

Although there are problems with the writing so far, there's definitely a certain quality and potential to it.

Why are they arguing about who can swim further? Just get on with the story, this banter obviously heads no where. They're going to swim there regardless.

"And your talking?" You're.

Those three pages could've been condensed to "Whoever finishes last does ____".

Are they like doggy paddling? How can they talk whilst swimming so easily?

"They found bull sharks in lakes
before. Swam along the river, right
into a lake. We’re talking about
one of the oldest species in the
world." Convenient.

Can sharks even get that close to shore? Hmm, not really sure about that one, depends how far in the peeps were.

That twist is no good, mate, really on par with M. Night. Except he doesn't have any Oscars! HA!

Show him the ... ? Come on, man! You can't just leave us hanging like that! Ultimate cliff hanger.

Well, I think you're a newer writer so I won't harp on, story wasn't very original, twist was hilarious more than anything, not a lot worked. But I do see a lot of potential in your writing, and although your voice isn't clear here, I think it's definitely hidden somewhere waiting to be harvested.
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EWall433
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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As I read,

Pg. 1 “Michael (21)…the youngest…” I can do math.

Pg. 5 “I think - maybe we should get out of the water.” Followed by a 30 second discussion about exactly what just ate their friend.

Pg. 6 “John’s tattoo of a crazed monkey…” Touches like this are much more effective if you set them up earlier.

I'm assuming he's singing at the end (Show me the way to go home/ I'm tired and I wanna go to bed). You should put that in a wryly if so.

There’s not much to say here. This was very standard, but also about as short as it could be. It flew by, but didn’t leave much of an impression. The old man, and whatever the heck he’s doing, was a nice twist and definitely the most interesting thing here. But it seemed like as soon as this story found an angle, it was over. Would’ve been better to get to him earlier, I think.

Congrats on completing the OWC

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DV44
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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This one has plenty of potential but I felt it missed the mark. I like the idea of a shark attacking and killing people in a lake but like Stevie posted above me, where in the heck did the old guy come from? John and Michael looked back for Liz and the lake was vacant so it would have worked better if the old man sitting in the boat was introduced at the beginning instead of just throwing him in there towards the end. I liked the banter between John and Michael, reminds me of myself and my older brother talking smack to each other but saying that the dialogue could have been shorten a bit.

All in all, not bad. Like I said, it has potenital but it needs to get cleaned up in a couple of areas.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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Sham
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm surprised so many people are focusing on grammar and "adhering to screenwriting rules" instead of the actual story.

I've always said I would rather read a poorly-written script with a good story than a properly-formatted script with nothing to talk about. A good story can be salvaged, and this wasn't bad at all.

Yes, the dialogue needs cleaned up. Yes, there are grammatical errors galore. Yes, there are unfilmmables. But at its core, this is Creepshow 2's The Raft with a shark substituting the place of a giant mass of killer black sludge. Clean it up, take out the ridiculous moments of the boys talking while swimming, and you've got something very enjoyable here.

Congrats on successfully completing the challenge!

Chris


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Forgive
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Yep - couple of grammar errors here and there, but that aside it fairly easily to read. It was a simple story, so that worked well.

As has been said, the two issues for me were the leg and the old man. You could easily start with a shot from the guys' feet, showing the tatoo, and this would be a nice reference when the leg came out of the water.

The old man's played wrong, but certainly can have a place in the script - the guys scare each other at the beginning with tales of sharks, but maybe have the old man do that as he's setting off in the boat?

I'm with Sham on getting your story elements working, and this isn't too bad.
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Dustin
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 8:33am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

MICHAEL
I swam here when I was a kid. I
only made it half way, never made
it to the other side. Then again I
was ten.


If he made it half way, then why not just swim all the way instead of swimming back again?

Well at least there's a shark attack in this one so that's something.

show me the -- what? Plenty of gore in this one, which is good. Story could have been told better, but all in all a pretty decent entry that fits all criteria.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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This one started off ok, the banter between the trio was good and I was warming to the characters. The challenge was intriguing and showed potential but then the two lads starting chatting (at surprising length) in the water after a hard swim while terrified. They didn’t even seem out of breath.

This lake is pretty miraculous, deep enough to hide a bull shark, even near the shore!

The old guy, just like the monkey tattoo, just materialises out of no-where. Both need to be setup earlier for the audience to have any connection when they do appear. As it is both seem quickly added in conveniently without thought.

I see why you’ve done the twist because otherwise it would just be three swimmers ate by a shark one chomp after another but it makes no sense really. And the ending, “Show me the----“ The what? The way to go home? The Money? The end to this story?

Nice start, good potential just needs a re-think I reckon. Good for a one week’s effort and well done for entering the OWC.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 11:10am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Sham
I'm surprised so many people are focusing on grammar and "adhering to screenwriting rules" instead of the actual story.

I've always said I would rather read a poorly-written script with a good story than a properly-formatted script with nothing to talk about. A good story can be salvaged, and this wasn't bad at all.

Yes, the dialogue needs cleaned up. Yes, there are grammatical errors galore. Yes, there are unfilmmables. But at its core, this is Creepshow 2's The Raft with a shark substituting the place of a giant mass of killer black sludge. Clean it up, take out the ridiculous moments of the boys talking while swimming, and you've got something very enjoyable here.Chris


Really?  I mean...seriously?

I don't know who wrote this and frankly, I don't care.  How anyone could say this is a good story or entertaining, is fooling themselves as well as the writer.

First of all, Creepshow 2 was not a strong sequel to the very well done original, and we're talking about almost 30 years ago.  The segment you're referencing in reality, is nothing like this script.  In The Raft, the kids are trapped in the middle of the lake. No one is trapped here at all.

This is very poorly written, very poorly thought out, and very poorly executed - none of it makes a lick of sense, and if you actually visualize this...for just a minute or tw, you'll quickly see how redonkulous it really is.

I went back and finished this, based on Sham's glowing praise and things did not get any better - they got worse.  All of a suden, this lake is surrounded by a rock wall, with no escape?  Really?  I'd love to see a picture of this lake.  All of a sudden, there's an old dude in a boat that no one saw before?  Really?  C'mon now...

If peeps really don't want to know they're making grammatical, technical, or whatever kinds of mistakes, that's fine - ignore all comments that point them out.

But, let's not sugarcoat story and execution and turn rotten eggs into Eggs Benedict.

My apologies to the writer, but you seriously need to know and understand what's wrong here, as it's alot.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sham
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Dreamscale, do you not see how all of these things you're commenting on can be improved? You're criticizing in a way that makes this script (as well as a few others you have commented on) appear unsalvageable by using words like redonkulous, rotten, poor, and at one point, you even say you don't care. Why are you commenting then?

My praise was not glowing at all. That's a deluded comment. I acknowledge several errors I discovered in the script in my feedback, and I even point out a specific moment I personally felt was ridiculous. As it is now, the script isn't very good. Does that make it bad? No. I see what the writer is going for, and I'm not going to get hung up on a couple choice moments and errors in formatting to prevent me from seeing the bigger picture.

I feel the need to focus more on the stories with these OWC entries because, in the grand scheme of things, what's the point of correcting a grammatical/formatting error if it's the moment itself that doesn't work?

I feel that if I didn't read the whole script and put some positivity in my comment to the writer, he/she would not have had anything constructive to take away from some of these comments, particularly yours because you bailed. Why does it always take someone disagreeing with you for you to give a script an actual full read-through? Not that it matters -- I'm sure you've convinced yourself not to like it by then, so it hardly qualifies as a fair shake. That only leaves me wondering why you come back and give it another chance. What are you hoping to accomplish with your second comment? Are you trying to indoctrinate someone into your way of thinking?

OK. Show of hands. Who changed their mind?

You are welcome to think whatever you'd like about the script, but I don't need to be told I'm fooling myself when I say I'm entertained by something. You are not me, and you will not speak for me.

Now go read a sentence in a script, type something hateful, read another sentence, type something hateful, and so on and so forth while the rest of us actually read the script the whole way through before putting a pen to paper.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Is this your script? I haven't read it yet, but showing my hand here, I think all aspects are appropriate to note regarding feedback. We're here to learn and improve. I'll focus on the story though if that's your request.

Grammar is important!!
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