Unhooked by P - Short - A boy with a troubled family discovers something that could not only help them but the world.  Question is, will the government allow it? - pdf, format

Really really liked this one. Great characters. Good message. Great job whoever wrote this.

Hey, that's our boating toast! Awesome! I like this now. ...but I already did, because the writing is fantastic.

"Chubtard" bumped me.

We don't do nothin' to Bruins fans in Vancouver! Doin' somethin' ain't Canadian...

Thoughts:

I hate to say it, because this one I think has the tightest writing, the best-drawn characters, and the best sense of a complete world of any of the ones I've read so far...but I don't think this one works for me.

It hits all the right notes -- it touches on the culture around addiction in small towns and portrays it well, it suggests the potency of familial norms and the way alcoholism is so easily passed down...but then it solves all these things with no effort from anyone. The big moment, I guess, is when the kid yells at Jason and throws the flask away? But the canteen isn't a choice, it's an accident, and the kid doesn't pass any sort of test to get there -- in fact, his going there is motivated by Jason's drunken asshattery.

So here's the crux of what I don't like: when a script examines an important and pertinent issue like this, I don't think miracle cures should be involved, unless they're obtained through personal effort that suggests something about the real-life steps that need be taken. So the kid chastising Jason is a good start, but I think it has to be linked directly to the water. We need to see that the miracle corresponds with, and is brought about by, real, possible human action. Otherwise, in my opinion, it's empty feel-good mythology that's at best naive.

I'll offer an example -- Evil Dead (2013) is about drug addiction, right, and we see very clearly what's needed to help an addict: first, Mia needs the help, support, and love of friends and family, but in the final stages, she needs to be willing to sacrifice a part of herself (her hand) and able to defeat a part of herself (her demon). And so the story involves chainsaws and raining blood and a demon from the underworld and whatever, but it examines drug addiction, and the triumph over it involves the real steps that real people need to take (to a certain extent, of course. Drug addicts don't all need to lose their hands or anything).

Then you've got Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (hahah), which is about the dangers of nuclear weapons. But in that flick, an invincible alien just solves the problem by hurling them into the sun. This is irresponsible not only because it celebrates, and asks us to celebrate, an impossible miracle solution to a real problem, but also because it results in us having to watch a greased and tanned Mark Pillow pound a Christopher Reeve dummy into the moon.

I come down on this hard because the writing is fantastic. I did enjoy reading it very much. When it gets to the point where I'm complaining about how a story fits into our cultural mythology, something good is going on

This piece is the clear standout so far from the rest.  The writer is from Boston, or lived there most likely.  You captured the culture of sailors with ease, right down to nautical terms.  The characters really shined here and in a enviroment that meets the criteria and breathes.  The seeds of the theme is a bit on the nose from Matty, but it doesn't disappoint when it is revealed by the results of the characters transformation.  Fantastic work, this will most likely end up my favorite.

Johnny

McMASTER BAIT  

CHUMBUCKET.... somebody watches spongebob

This is fav so far, a great read.

Excellent characters and dialogue... read very easily

Well done

and good job finishing the OWC

Mark

I must've missed something here. The first couple of scenes with the salty characters, nicknames and slang, I thought it was a pisstake that had slipped through, lol!

I see from the other comments it was an allegory of some sorts about alcoholism. I'm not really into deep and meangfuls, epesh on an OwC script.

But some nice visual writing

From the logline:

Quoted from Don   Question is, will the government allow it?

I think there is a bigger question that begs to be asked and one that I feel derserves to be explored: If this gift is offered to humanity, will they choose to accept it? Thoughts?

Good characters.  Good dialogue.  Great message. And then?

I enjoyed the blue collar characters. Nasty bits of dialogue here and there, but for a reason. The message is the selling point here. The boy is instantly relatable, and I cared for him throughout. It was refreshing to see internal struggle. Addiction is an important enemy,  and a lot more unexpecting. Most of these shorts seem to have otherworldly antagonists.  

And then? It would be nice to have the ending revolve around what made the cure. Where does the water come from? What is the source. I assume they are off to cure the world. I guess that just ties it up too neatly.

A worthwile journey with expressive characters, but the ending doesn't carry the weight.

Page 7 - That outburst, errr, did I miss something? This is bordering on the edge of melodrama.

"Tormented, he puts his head in his hands and rocks back and forth." Made me cringe, borders on melodrama once again.

"I really don’t know. Me and Matty
went to Pine Island, I got drunk,
he yelled at me, made me feel like
shit, I drank some water he found
and woke up a different man." Not a fan of this line.

My mind isn't really working right now, so apologies if I missed something but I wasn't a fan. I don't think the characters were developed, aside from the melodramatic breakdowns, nothing happened. Focus was on the water which kind of felt convenient regarding the opening of the story. I hated the fact that the kid just stumbles upon it, and then suddenly, we all live happily ever after.

I don't buy that the government would bother with some strange rumour in some rural(?) town, but again, maybe I missed something. The very last scene was lost on me, a boulder and the sounds of dripping? He took the magic water onto the boat? This didn't work for me, and I kind of find the comments surprising, but then again, it may just be me.

Grade: D+/C-

I think the thing with this entry is the writing is superior.  

The story however, doesn't do much for me. It's okay, but imagining this on film I  doubt I'd be rivetted.

You met all the criteria, I think, and it was effortless to read and colourful images/locale/characters etc. so well done!

Libby

OK, listen, I feel bad about a number of scripts I didn't finish, so from here on out, I'm going to read each and every remaining script and I'll throw out as much help as I can, whether the writer seems to know his/her stuff or not.  May seem nitpicky at times, but it's all meant to help.

Opening with the Slug "ROAD" or the like is a big pet peeve of mine, as it's so cliche and so nonvisual.  Here, this sure doesn't seem like the setting is "ROAD".  Also, using an exact place, city, town, state, etc in a Slug is fine (sometimes), but without a SUPER or someone mentioning the exact locale in dialogue, it is an unfilmable.

Opening passage at 3 lines is overwritten, IMO, and isn't a great start.

I think the issues here are an overabundance of characters, overwriting at times, some poor comma abuse/missuse, poor (or not great Slugs), and an underdeveloped ending.

But, the positives easily outweigh the negatives here, IMO.  Your characters are well done, and you prove you're capable of something that few seem to be - you can (and have) write an engrossing and "simple" script using real, believable characters.

You've met the parameters here quite well and nothing seems shoehorned in like most.  Your writing comes off like you know what you're writing about, and that's so appreciated.

The ending for me was a slight letdown, as I can't really picture how anyone could pick up the mysterious water source, and I didn't appreciate bringing in the government.

If I were you, I'd cut down on the various settings, and also cut out a few unnecessary characters. With that newfound space, I'd up the actual discovery and make it a bit more "grandiose".

Excellent effort here.  Your story, although simple, is exactly what most scripts miss out on - the human equation, be it sad, depressing, or just plain old real.  I think this could be quite excellent with a little more time and a quick polish to some easily fixable mistakes.

Unhooked – This makes me think it will be about killing Captain Hook, let’s see if I’m right!

Nope – I was completely wrong – DOH!

I liked this salty tale and I liked the characters. Some of the dialogue made me lol for real.

I also like that it didn’t go for the horror element to fulfil the R Rating. It does the opposite, it gives a lot of hope.

I think this is the only one I’ve read which complies fully with the ‘Something that has the potential to  change mankind’ requirement although as I’ve said in other threads this is very much open to interpretation.

A solid entry and an enjoyable tale!

Great job on this whoever wrote it. A good character driven story which I like but it fails to be anywhere near horror or action. More of a hope story as MarkRenshaw pointed out in the review above me. Regardless it was very good, one of my favorites so far.

Nicely written. Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk

Unhooked

Silly thing - for first slug is reversed to how I would do it, ie the order - wonder which is more effective
Crowded parking lots - where did that come from?
Chumbucket - great name
Wasn't sure what the last scene was telling me - they took the boulders?

Ok, the boy discovers the well of life, so to speak and the village and those around him heal, drop their habits and consequently trade drops off in the bars and shop.

Not sure what the government agents angle was doing - one to embellish

Simple idea, quite well executed. I think I would delay the rescue of the mother until the end for greater impact. The crescendo seemed to be a little early.

Tidy work.

The writing’s sound and though the story does require a few leaps of faith I switched off reality for this one and appreciated the overall feel-good vibe.  

The shift to Pine Island seemed a little abrupt.  Perhaps a little more as to why they go there.  Take their minds off things, get perspective, bonding etc. -- make it a little more organic.  I got a good sense of Jason’s troubled character and the responsibility he feels for Matty.

The government intervention seemed rushed in and given everything else that needs to play out I wonder if it’s worth dropping.  Given the log-line it was kind of a misdirection as the story at the heart of this (to me anyway) was about healing -- both individual and the larger community.  

Pity Lily couldn’t have played a stronger role -- again the government intervention took away from the more emotive angle and she disappeared into the background.

Taken for what it is the story does the job in the short amount of time. Nicely done.

A nice message here -- though I fear the world would soon become a very drab place -- and I am not sure the government deserves that call-out in the logline given such a minor role.

The story is populated with colorful characters, though a few seem to have little to distinguish them apart from their names.  And Lily is not even given a single line of dialogue, making her role a particularly thankless one.

I could not buy into all of the dialogue from Matty, and the exposition is sometimes a bit clunky, particularly when Jason speaks of his transformation.

This is written well enough, however, that I suspect every drawback I mention is a result of the page limitations faced by the author.  Great descriptive work sets the scene early on, and there are no hiccups in the story later, either.

I do not know if this really needs to be longer, but it certainly could be, should the author decide to flesh out a few of these characters (Lily, in particular), and deliver the backstory in a more organic fashion, as opposed to character monologues.

Nice work on the whole, however.  I enjoyed it.  Fine selection of a title for this piece.

I really like the sense of location in this and the distinctive nature of the people in the town. Also the topic of people giving up their addictions feels like a very powerful one that provides strong drama.

The dialogue put me off in a few places, and I guess I’d have liked to see a bigger pay-off in the last few pages.

This one was one of my favorites. It misses the genre requirements, but I think that’s why it stands out so much.

You set the opening scenes wonderfully. It’s very hard to get the feel of an entire town, especially in just a few pages, but you’ve managed it here. There are all sorts of great details that pull together and you use that space very efficiently. Kudos.

I’m ok with Jason being cured so easily by the water (someone has to be, in order to reveal what it does), but I agree with those above who say someone should have to make a choice. Not everyone would want to be cured by the water, or think they need to be.

There are a lot of different directions you could go with this type of story (maybe the cure only last for a short time and the town becomes addicted to the water itself), so I think there’s a lot of room for expanding this one. I don’t think the government angle is the way to go. You may have put that in to meet the criteria, but I think this story is best served by keeping it somewhat close and intimate.

Overall this is a very solid entry for the challenge, though. Congrats!

I have mixed feelings on "Unhooked."  The writing at times was brilliant. Loved the descriptions early on, the nautical feel, and the dialogue between the fishermen. On the other hand, the story seems to falter some once Matty stays with Uncle Jason. Then the dialogue konks out, the logic flounders and both the mom's presence and the government's role seem thrown in to sew up the story.

The discovery of the water seemed underwhelming. Go back over the scenes where Matty finds the water, and what follows.  It's like an afterthought.  Matty's role is almost inconsequential.  Jason's change seems forced and blah, and the way he shares the water with the fisherman doesn't feel natural.

A small point that bothered me was when both Matty and his mom has scenes when they awake from sleep and looked "clean and refreshed."  Maybe allow them to wake up and slip into clean clothes. Then they can look refreshed.
And when we move to the following scene, we see Matty asleep on the boat deck and Jason walking "out of the woods with the canteen over his shoulder."  Isn't the woods like far away from the docks?

The other scene that I'm going to bust you for is the camping.  I'm thinking Jason gets so upset about his missing canteen of whiskey, that he is on the cusp of becoming his drunken, mean dad. Maybe catches himself just before slapping the crap out of Matty.
Then allow Matty to rant a few lines.  Otherwise, it feels way to expository.

The story's pacing also seems too leisure early on, and too rushed in the end.  It felt like a bigger story, and then the writer realized that it was a OWC.

Sorry for the quibbles.

Best thing I can say is this writer can write.  When not forcing scenes and dialogue, he/she can lay down some really nice images.  Seems to be a pretty good story teller with sound ideas.  For one week, very nice job.

Congrats on completing the OWC!

This wasn't my cup of tea. The dialogue was extremely OTN. The descriptions were okay, but got a little vague in parts and too heavy in others. The characters seemed very run-of-the-mill, probably due to the dialogue. The story was okay. I think it could be better if the presentation was improved.

On a more positive note, I definitely believe you know the small town of Ilwaco pretty well. You described it perfectly.

Before I even get started on my review, I wanted to quote this:

Quoted Text There are good ships, there are wood ships, there are ships that sail the sea but the best ships are friendships, forever may they be.

That dialogue is pretty damn good.  Shows Jason as a tried and true good guy.

Also this:

Quoted Text Here’s to virgins and lesbians... thanks for nothing

One of the funniest lines I've read in a script in a while.  

Now onto my review (CONTAINS POSSIBLE SPOILERS):

W.O.W.  Only word to describe this.  

This story is phenomenal.  The dialogue is a bit on the button sometimes but other than a few minor moments where that leaks, this is fantastic.

The spring in the forest.  Magic?  A purifying spring capable of taking away people's vices, making them better people without addictions and flaws.

Perfect.  I really did like it.  Possibly my favourite so far out of those I've read, not saying the others weren't good, but this one is the best thus far.

Tremendous.

Lee

Quoted from Leegion That dialogue is pretty damn good.  Shows Jason as a tried and true good guy.

That's actually an old Irish proverb.

Quoted from Leegion Also this: One of the funniest lines I've read in a script in a while.

And the virgins and lesbians line has been around for awhile, too.  I think Jeff came up with that one in college.

I thought this was, for the most part, a well-written script, but fell short of really hitting its potential.  To begin with, I found it odd how the writer gave the setting a deliberately "New England" feel, even though it was supposed to be the PacNorWest.  Aside the mention of Ilwaco, Washington in the slug, which we wouldn't see, everything else points to a New England setting.  Why have a character named Boston Bob with a thick Boston accent?  And then throw in a few characters with Irish names and a Boston Bruins mention and all that's missing are some lobster traps.  The writing itself was tight and descriptive, I just think the writer could have done a better job painting the backdrop for us.

McMaster Bait was a funny spin, but was out of place with the tone of this piece.  Would have worked in a cheesy comedy, but not here.

I liked the concept here, with the magical water, but the ending was rather unsatisfying, IMO.  What's the point of moving the water?  And how exactly do you relocate a stream or pool of water?  By moving the rocks?  Didn't get the government's involvement at the end.  Really made no sense to me, nor did the ships leaving for Vancouver.  I think it would've worked better if it stayed on the island, with some kind of wicked twist regarding the waters magical powers.  Maybe there's a price to be paid for using the water somehow.  But overall, it kept me reading, so good job for a week.

Quoted from Ryan1 And the virgins and lesbians line has been around for awhile, too.  I think Jeff came up with that one in college.

I love virgins and lesbians...my competition is extremely limited that way and everything I bring to the dance has high hopes of being the best she's seen.  

Quoted from Ryan1 To begin with, I found it odd how the writer gave the setting a deliberately "New England" feel, even though it was supposed to be the PacNorWest.  Aside the mention of Ilwaco, Washington in the slug, which we wouldn't see, everything else points to a New England setting.  Why have a character named Boston Bob with a thick Boston accent?  And then throw in a few characters with Irish names and a Boston Bruins mention and all that's missing are some lobster traps.  The writing itself was tight and descriptive, I just think the writer could have done a better job painting the backdrop for us.

My thoughts exactly to the point where I was pretty sure who the writer was, but I was mistaken.

I'm also pretty sure there were lobster traps on the first page, which i had to Google to make sure there weren't lobbies off the pacific coast.

Can't attach a pic right now but every pic in google images for Ilwaco,WA looked exactly like New Bedford, MA.

Quoted from mmmarnie Can't attach a pic right now but every pic in google images for Ilwaco,WA looked exactly like New Bedford, MA.

I've actually been to Ilwaco several times (my great-grandparents lived about 5 mins from there once upon a time). I've only heard of New Bedford, but that already tells me it's bigger than Ilwaco lol. Now I'm even more impressed you chose it without having been there.

Really enjoyed reading this...you did a great job with it.

Thanks for all of the reviews, especially the in-depth ones.  I'm not a great reviewer myself, I'm just not good at giving "teacherly" advice, but I really appreciate it when people take the extra time to give constructive help.  Chris "Heretic" actually pointed out something I really need to pay more attention to and that is...make your characters work hard for what they get.  Yes!  That's very important!! It's boring when things come too easy.  

So Jeff had mentioned he was curious to hear about everyone's experience with this challenge.  I love to hear what other writer's go through so I'll share my story in case anyone is interested.  

I started by googling images of the PNW and was drawn to the fishing and harbor areas.  My family is from coastal Massachusetts so I'm very familiar with that type of area and they looked very similar. I also have quite a few salty fishermen in my family.  They drink their faces off, make crazy assed toasts and they all have nicknames.  By the way, I had no idea lobsters are scarce in the PNW.  Change it to crab traps.





Ilwaco also has dense forests, mountains and several small uninhabited islands right off the coast.  There is a main street that runs along the harbor with bars, restaurants...that kind of thing.  I don't know if anyone else does this but besides using Google images for research I also use Google maps and go on the street view.  I can do that for hours sometimes.  It really gives you the feel for a location.

So...my original idea ended up being way to big for 12 pages but I started writing it about 6 hours before deadline and didn't realize that till it was too late.  I had a much better idea for the water, how it was found and where it came from.  So that was my first obstacle.  

My second was that I totally forgot it was only supposed to take place in July of 2013.  My original idea was to not just show the positive effects of people being sober, but the negative ones. Businesses that served alcohol would suffer as well as coffee shops.  And also if no one was buying alcohol and cigarettes, the government wouldn't be too happy about it. That's where that came from.  I was really into that idea.  That part was also supposed to be adventurous, running from government people who were trying to steal the water and find out where they got it, but I just didn't have room.  

That's a little insight.  I liked this challenge.  I think it's the 5th OWC I've done??  Pretty sure. Anyway, it was fun. Thanks for coming up with the idea Jeff (and for finally liking mine this time!!) and thanks Don for being a lovely host.  

North Head Lighthouse is one of my family's favorite destinations. My parents usually use pics of it for their desktop wallpaper. That pic looks Photoshopped since it's not overcast. lol

Marnie, if you want to check out another cool fishing village in WA, check out Westport. It's a little bigger than Ilwaco, but it feels like the whole town's a dock. Every summer, they have a salmon derby that lasts a week or two. We were there for it one year. Didn't go out on any of the charters, but it was fun to see them come back in. And yeah, crab pots are really common out there. Some people use them, some people decorate with them, some do both. lol