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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  The Harem - OWC Moderators: Dreamscale
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  Author    The Harem - OWC  (currently 2458 views)
Don
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Harem by S - Short - A young boy finds a cave with unimaginable pleasure and pain. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Heretic
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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A pretty classic little succubus tale. Nothing startlingly original here -- we know where things are going the whole time, I think -- but fun visuals and a cheerfully earned hard R rating. I was hoping for a little bit more of an arc with the kid -- I thought this was setting us up for a bit of a cautionary tale with him wanting to grow up too fast and then getting a nasty look at sex, a story of lost innocence. But this was definitely fun.

If I have one complaint it's probably that this all went a little too easily. He just becomes very strong and is able to fight off everyone without much difficulty and without having to switch tactics at any point. The climactic act of saving the others occurs after danger has passed -- he always has the upper hand with the last siren, so there's not much drama there. I think these characters deserved a harder time (ho ho). Still, though, an entertaining little tale.


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marnieml
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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I liked it.  Really good visual writing...I loved the caves.  The extra time you spent describing light helped create an eerie atmosphere.

Good job on the characters. I liked Tyler and found it endearing when his brother stuck up for him and knew there was really something wrong after he saw the woman.

The second half of this felt rushed.  Maybe slow it down by adding more tension.

Things became a little too easy after Tyler became so strong.  There wasn't enough conflict at that point.  Obstacles build character.

All in all very nice effort for this OWC.


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."

Revision History (1 edits)
marnieml  -  July 15th, 2013, 10:57am
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nawazm11
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Page 3 - I don't buy that Jay would help him up and ask him if he's fine, right after forcing him make the tents.

Poor character work sadly but with good writing. There was a lot to be liked here, you have a nice imagination but a few things didn't work for me. The super strength in the kid seemed comedic more than amazing, I don't think it fits with the whole tone of the story. Maybe it was just to make the genre an action to fit the guidelines.

Ending was a huge problem. A basic rule in 99% of films is that there must be change at the end, there has to be a visible opposite of what we had seen earlier. I don't think anything happened at the end, they're basically how they were at the beginning of the story except now, the kid has super powers, but I could honestly care less. The story needs a resolution.

Another problem with the ending was how the Maiden complies with the kid's request, really? Make things hard for your character, don't ever let them get out the easy way. Put an obstacle there and have him get the lever himself.

This has potential, but needs a lot of work in my opinion.

Grade: C
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LC
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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Maidens? Sounds a little antiquated for 2013.

This didn't really work for me and though most it was a smooth read and there were some nice touches of humour between the boys - it just doesn't quite work in terms of me imagining this filmed. Not really enough of a complete story.

A few awkward phrases of description too:

'Instinctively, Tyler dodges her blow and punches her in the
gut.'

It's a different take on the task, at least, and I think you pretty much met the criteria in terms of sex, violence, locale etc. so good job there.

Libby


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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I’ve not read the other comments before posting this and it will contain spoilers.

A minor niggle. “Tyler hears everything” – What visual element lets us know this?

Overall I liked the banter between the boys, very natural and flowed well. I liked the sex, but then again who doesn’t lol!

I thought the Maidens were going to turn out to be Mermaids or Sirens so I’m glad you left them mysterious. I also thought they were going to eat the boys or sacrifice them so the aging aspect did surprise me and I like being surprised in this manner.

However from that point on the story fell apart for me. You set a precedent that the energy makes the recipient younger, therefore the energy should have reduced Tyler to a baby or even killed him, not turn him into Superboy. But he did and he adapted to his powers instantly, there was no learning curve and he overpowered the Maidens way too easy

In the end it felt everything felt too convenient and I’m not sure you fulfilled all the requirement of the challenge. How does their discovery have the potential to change mankind? I admit that part of the criteria is open to interpretation but it didn’t seem to meet the requirement for me.


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Eoin
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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First read of the bunch. Not a bad effort for an OWC. It met most of the the criteria.

Things that seemed off - All the guys were handsome studs with hard perfect bodies, they all can't be Jeff in his youth . . .

While the story was an easy read, there were things that needed more work - why was Tyler imbued with super human powers? I'm assuming the Maidens were absorbing 'life force', but this needs to made clearer.

Smashing heads etc, Tyler is now a violent monster ~ I'll buy in terms of the challenge, but again, needs more clarity for believably sake.

The business with multiple pools etc got a little confusing.

I like the premise, 'even the young are useful' - maybe have a little more verbal conflict at the start that articulates this.

Eoin
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pale yellow
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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This was an interesting idea. I think it got confusing though once the cave stuff started happening. I like the end when Tyler was the one that sealed the cave, but this needs some more work.

Good job for owc.


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Angry Bear
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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What's REI? If it's something well known that everyone but me knows what it is, okay, but if it's something obscure, then it's usually best to avoid. You don't want to add stuff readers have to Google.

Nice way of making us hate Jay on page 1. I hope that is your intention.

Since Tyler is only twelve, you'd think he and Jay would share a tent…

Although I like the way you write the scene with the maidens in the pool, you don't need to mention how tight and firm the guy's bodies are over and over.  

Try to use other words than pleasure over and over as well.

So, at the end, are the three guys with the tight firm bodies still naked? Just wondering…  

Finished! Well written script with a good story. Good characterization and a satisfying ending. My guess is that this is written by someone mature. By that, I do not mean old, but I'm betting it's not written by someone in their teens or early twenties. Great work! Good Luck if there is voting later on.  


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DV44
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed it! Had a good idea where this was going but it didn't stop me from reading all the way through. The ending in the cave became a bit confusing with all of the fighting going on but it still was satisfying the way it ended.

Nice visuals throughout.

Great job! Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Eoin
Things that seemed off - All the guys were handsome studs with hard perfect bodies, they all can't be Jeff in his youth . . .


  Funny!

OK, listen, none of this is meant to be mean.  I red the entire script.  There are elements that i like and are actually quite well done, but there are also elements that are pretty bad, comical, and downright pisser quality.

The goods -

The boys dialogue exchanges (early on) - EXCELLENT!  They seem to know each other and act like real peeps.  Tyler was a good character early on.  The others were also well done.

The research and area descriptions (early on) - you set this in the PNW and used it well (early on).

The story is OK (early on) and even though it's rather cliche in scope, IMO, it works.

The bads -

No offense at all, but I would bet a good deal of money this is written by a young writer, as some descriptions just came off so unrealistically.  The way you described both the guys and the maidens is laughable (and I apologize for putting it that way, but I'm serious).  The sex scenes are also absurd - and as written, are really a montage or series of shots.

Same with everything after they get to the cave.  It just doesn't rad remotely real.  Almost cartoonish even punched up to an NC 17 or X rating.  Way too over the top.

The ending and Tyler's transformation and rescue - again, just so unreal.  The strength thing doesn't work here, sorry to say, and the very end is again, comical with Tyler picking up a boulder and smashing it against the cave to seal it.

Finally, I didn't see any miraculous discovery that could alter mankind, and taking that a step further, Crater Lake is a very well known and well traveled place, meaning these maidens would have been discovered long ago and often.

Hey, this may sound very harsh and negative, but I'll tell you this - over all, I liked quite a few things you did and I'll say seriously, good effort here!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Firstly, great location for a script - just googled it and it looks like a beautiful spot.

I thought this was fun, definitely kept me entertained.  The writing was good overall but I started having issues once Tyler entered the cave and actually struggled to follow at times. This was down to continually repeating words, pool(s) being the main offender.  

I liked the early dialogue exchanges between the guys but thought it was an odd choice to have them drinking from a bota bag - didn't put these jocks down as wine drinkers, more as Jim Beam.

My main complaint would be that there isn't really a good story here, it's fun but lacks any real substance and the second half basically becomes a comic book - just needed to add in "BANG" or "CLANG" after every punch on the maidens. It all felt rather easy for Tyler and he wasn't challenged and then it ended without much resolution for our band of heroes, IMO.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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pwhitcroft
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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This is cool story that sets up a simple fun problem and plays with it. I especially liked the way that it plays with the age changes while also making that a theme of the character relationships.

Of course it is borderline porn in a couple of places, but there’s no harm in that if that what you’re aiming at. Also, the resolution felt a bit rushed with the solution being a bit convenient.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 18th, 2013, 4:57am Report to Moderator
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Ha ha, this one was nice and filthy, my kind of stuff. It had a cool and idea and read pretty well. The climax comes a little bit abrupt but over all I think you did a good job with the challenge, plus putting a fair amount of sex and nudity never hurts. This fit the challenge pretty well.  Good work on this OWC.


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EWall433
Posted: July 18th, 2013, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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This one, more than any other entry I’ve read so far, earned its R with nudity. Thank you   And thank you for keeping the girls “of age”. That’s been a problem for some reason. So that aside…

This one started out alright. It effectively conveyed the dynamic between Tyler and the three older boys. I also enjoyed how single minded the older ones became once informed of what was on the island.

Now despite the appearance of a gaggle of naked women, my problems with this started on the island. When Tyler accidently crushes one of the maidens with a boulder, I laughed. He’s actually really lucky they were some sort of demons, because if this had been just your normal everyday nature orgy, that would’ve been a major party foul.

And that's my main problem with the end. Tyler survives and saves the day primarily through accidental luck. He gets lucky enough to fall into the one pool of water that will give him super powers (and I still don’t know why it didn’t just make him younger), and after that he pretty literally just punches the problem in the face. That’s no way to end a story.

You’ve got a lot of potential with those aging and de-aging pools. Especially with Tyler being picked on cause he’s the youngest. It’d be cool to see Tyler end up being the 20yr old with a rock hard body and see the older boys turn into prepubescent 12yr olds as a sort of karmic justice.

Overall this was a very fun read with a lot of good stuff going on. I just think you need to rethink that ending.

Congrats on getting a OWC submission in!
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