Read 10 Pgs.

It may sound conventional but I think you should start the script with the family all together and then the shit hits the fan. Let us get to know them first. Will continue on reading.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

I'm liking it so far... here's my notes for pages 30 - 60.

Well. Page 33 answers some questions, that is, if I deciphered this correctly. It seems like Emmett has a split personality that we see on screen. That’s a bold new direction to travel. That’s why we have him referred to as Emmett and Swanson alternately. I wonder if you should make this more clear earlier. Like explicitly state that he sees a figment of his imagination – or his former self. I wonder if those earlier mentions also had 2 Emmetts on screen?

That said, I’m not sure this surreal element fits. I was along for the ride before this development. Now there is even more to suspend disbelief. I wonder how necessary this alter-ego will be later.

Is this simply a way to make exposition more exciting by adding a WTF dimension? If this movie is going to entertain these surrealistic notes perhaps you should hint at the split personality earlier. Maybe a pill bottle on his bedside in the opening? Maybe some staring at his reflection – and some subtle differences, like his reflection is a second behind or something.

It would have been interesting if his bad side takes over and his good side can’t remember what the other did. Like he comes to after his other half kills the senator. This would add an extra layer if the cops interrogate him. He would honestly deny involvement. He could see video of himself and have no recollection of participating in the event. Maybe the baddie knows of this divide and can trigger it with a keyword a la MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE.

The following scenes with Rebecca, and then with Harriet, are very brief. I’d consider adding some meat there. They serve as a reminder as to what each character is up to. But consider the effect these brief seemingly meaningless scenes will have on the viewer. It feels start and stop to me. 1 minute here, 1 minute there, type of stuff. Maybe even just a page or 2 long scene would help add dimension to these multiple characters. Another possible solution is to pair these brief scenes together. A brief car ride with Rebecca and Newman can lead to their talk at the Mitchell estate later (p.41).

Wow. So he kills Harriet. Brutal. Hard to empathize with Em at this point. I wonder if this is a chance to have him try and lie (as per my previous suggestion in other post). He can shoot the ceiling or something instead. Maybe Petrovic watches from some hidden camera in the bomb-vest. And this forces Em’s hand even more. He has no choice. He fires. This way, I know he tried to find a way to not kill her. Maybe this ruse will dock more time off the vest – a penalty.

Another idea, to make us still root for Em, is to have his dark side take over and fire the gun. Good Em has no idea what Bad Em did until he sees the result. OR. Another visual way to show this would be to have Good Em watch Bad Em commit this murder. He yells, hands out, trying to stop Bad Em, but no voice comes out - he can’t grapple Bad Em, his hands go right through him. If you go surreal… GO. SURREAL.  Just my thoughts. Maybe these suggestions will inspire other ideas.

The car chase was exciting. However, I feel like some of the energy was drained by all the slug-lines stopping the flow. Maybe you could use a combination of Mini-Slugs and Intercut or something instead. Or just use “downtown streets” in the slug and tell us he drives through alley or gardens in the descriptive passages. I feel like if you construct this scene so that each image gets a line, it makes the read fast, so the scene “feels” fast - like it has tons of energy.

I like that the cops decipher the audio. I wonder if you could make this more of a challenge. Like Newman barely hears anything. He points it out. Then they start to alter the recording, bit by bit. I also wonder why surveillance video has audio? And how the microphone would be able to hear the phone? You could add more challenge and avoid a possible plot-hole by having the police filter through cellphone signals until they find Emmett’s. Maybe they locked down the building and got each cop’s cell signal. Em’s would stand out against the known signals. And then maybe they can track Petrovic’s signal. For me, this is more logical than audio recordings on security cams. This would also be more time consuming, thus giving Em more of a head-start with the bank.

Either way, I’m happy that the authorities are now aware of Em’s manipulation by a mad man. And I like how you have them discover this versus Em trying to convince them with some sort of speech.

I wonder if a regular citizen and a bank employee could try and tackle Em. Or stop him. Em would have to dispatch these people without killing them. Then the guard, John, is more likely to comply since Em kicked his ass and 2 others in a matter of seconds. This is an exciting scene as is. I think another obstacle would increase the intensity.

I like how Petrovic misdirects Em – telling him to look up at the security cam – as if he hacked into the system or something. I believe Em has a hidden cam on the vest or something that the baddie watches him from.

The not having a lighter bit kind of stood out. I wonder if this could be a chance to embellish his 2 sides. Maybe Bad Em smokes. Good Em isn’t aware. Petrovic tells Em to check his pocket. He finds a lighter, but is super confused – how’d it get there? This would show that he isn’t aware of his split personality. This idea might come in handy if you alter this concept during the revision process.

I like how Newman is now face to face with Em. I think Em is too smart to not remember Newman’s voice. Maybe he should say something like, “Your voice. You called before.” And I think Em might need more convincing to trust Newman. Maybe Newman mentions “we heard Petrovic. We know he has your granddaughter”. Em knows that the cops won’t let him continue to kill. He knows Petrovic will harm his g’daughter. So he takes Newman as hostage. For me, this feels more natural.

I like that Bad Em reappears. But that power outage was a rather convenient way to rid yourself of the hostage situation. I’m not sure this was the best resolve. It makes me wonder how Petrovic hacked the bank like that. Or was this some police tactic? And how could the sniper lose him with heat vision? I’ll chalk this up to movie magic – and I’m not supposed to be thinking this stuff. Hehehe.

I’m a fan of the flashback device in this movie. I think it works. I read somewhere that all flashbacks are unnecessary and grind the movie to a halt. In this case, I want to know about Em’s past. Since this is a chase picture there’s no time to stop in the present. The flashbacks are thus warranted. I’m sticking to my guns though. As Em’s eyes drift, snowflakes should fall. The visual trigger for a flashback, I mentioned before. I just loved your initial handling of flashbacks. Especially, with the present shattering and Moscow rising. I wonder if here the farmhouse can erupt - maybe a board at a time, quickly building the farmhouse of the past. Also, consider adding “flashback” into the slugs to avoid any confusion.  

For a the transition back to the present, consider ending the flashback on the signed note instead of the building of the rifle. So instead Em builds weapon, then examines the paper and signature. Em’s first words in the present are about the signature. I feel like this suggested transition flows better with that dialogue.

I like how Petrovic outlines his motive step by step. Em kills each man responsible one by one. This leads me to believe the last death will be his own. Em will have to kill himself, and trust that Petrovic will let his granddaughter live. That is an intriguing idea. I like how you suggest this path of revenge. Let’s see how this plays out. Good work with this personal motive. Interesting stuff.

?....

I'll keep reading and post more notes later...

Lee, you've got a lot of good notes here so I won't add a whole lot that's already been said cause that can get boring fast.

With one exception:  
I too want to see the family and some of the relationships between them before all hell breaks loose - even if in flashback, some snippets. I do think that will add depth your main character in particular so that we care more about what happens to him and to the family members.

That being said you're flying out of the gate with this script and according to the brief the race is on.

Good job!

Lee, it's not Arctic Lorry we say here, it's Artic. Short for Articulated.

Lee, I was about to open this up and read it, but in glancing over your feedback, it seems like you already have a completely different draft?  If that's the case, I guess I'll skip this version as it doesn't make much sense to read something that';s already been rewritten.

Let me know.  Thanks.

OK, I'll wait for that revised draft and move on to the next one.

Cool?

Here's my remaining notes from page 60-90. I hope they help.

I’m beginning to love your title, SHADOW GAMES, more and more. It suggests that the “shadow” is Em’s other self. And that the past is a shadow that we cast alongside ourselves. It’s always with us.  And more literally, the authorities are a step behind, playing games chasing the shadow of a man. They only see the results of his actions but never the man committing those acts.  Good stuff, Lee.

I really enjoyed the longer flashback with Petrovic’s family. But when Em used that knife. Wow. That was harsh. Brutal. And hard to forgive. Em is a complex hero for sure. I wonder if Em should be affected emotionally by Dmitri’s plea. Bad Em could step in behind Good Em, “My turn.” This could better excuse the brutality. And explain why Em doesn’t use a gun here: Bad Em likes sharp objects. I wonder how long Bad Em has existed inside Good Em? This would also tie together the past and present. And make us more likely to forgive Em’s actions. It’s hard to root for a guy who is so ruthless and violent.

I wonder if Good Em should return once he hears the crying. He looks to the bloody knife. Drops it, in shock. I like how he talks to Sergei about revenge. Does he speak in Russian here so the kid can understand? That’d be cool. And show Em’s level of training. Understanding Russian would be an asset. The revenge dialogue was a little too reminiscent of KILL BILL for me. I’m thinking Uma’s speech to Vivica Fox’s daughter.

I love how you reveal the opening scene was Petrovic after his parents’ murder. So this weighs on his conscience. And that’s why Em thought of this in the beginning. Or conversely, this is Petrovic’s movie and the beginning was HIS flashback. I love how it’s open to interpretation. It’s like you have a popcorn action thriller with some “artsy” visuals connecting it all. I really appreciate these ingredients when mixed together.

I like the line from Em: “I understand. I ended your world.” But I wonder if it would be more effective if this came from Petrovic’s mouth instead. After Em says, “I understand.” Petrovic goes, “You ended my world.” Then Em replies with his dialogue, “And now you want retribution…” I understand that Em is emotionally affected. I like the sombre tear. But, I believe, this powerful line would mean more from Petrovic. His world was changed that day, much more so than Em’s. Since it’s his world, I feel like he should talk of it. Just giving you my reasoning here for a minor alteration.

I like how the authorities break down their mission. I wonder if there is more powerful language to be found. Instead of Rebecca mentioning “influence of another” perhaps she could say “forcibly coerced”. Which is more concise, powerful, and accurate law terminology (I believe). These sort of terms should be sprinkled about to add realism to the authorities. I feel like it’s worth some research for the next draft. That said, I like how they speak casual too with a touch of humour. Blending the two “worlds” would be complimentary.

The Jansen scene was compelling. It was intense trying to decide if he was innocent or not. Then we get the reveal of a “bug”. I still feel like a hidden camera on the vest would be good. It was also interesting to see the more compassionate side of Petrovic. He’s a well-rounded antagonist, blurring the lines of black and white – good or bad – with shades of grey.

I wonder if we should see Em exiting the Jansen household. Maybe even passing a hallway mirror, where Bad Em stays behind, watching. Then to end the scene, maybe Guinevere picks up a phone to contact the authorities. This way they are still on Em’s trail, and it keeps the tension brewing. After all, if the cops find Em with Petrovic they’ll have to apprehend him or something – right. Take what you like from these suggestions, ditch the rest. Just letting you know what I expected or thought while reading this.

Em gets Newman at gun point again. Another hostage situation. And that chase was pretty intense. I wonder if there`s a joke to be had here. Maybe Newman says, ``We gotta stop meeting like this.`` I like how tries to connect with Em. Maybe you could hint at his similar tragedy earlier. Like when Newman learns that Em`s family is kidnapped.

Wow. That was intense when Em surrenders and the vest counter activates. And it gets down real low. Exciting. Then the power cuts out. Again. I felt kind of cheated, as this is just another distraction technique by Petrovic to free Em. It was rather convenient, as was Rebecca`s departure. I also wonder if police would have Em`s house locked down and surrounded by cruisers or something. Another thing, why doesn`t Em walk into the house and simply shoot Petrovic as soon as he sees him.

The ending was bitter sweet. I suspected his family might be alive. But it seems like he will have to face the law. Maybe the trial will set him free. I like how Petrovic gets final revenge by himself and admits the faults in his judgement. He is a really interesting antagonist. I wonder if he waits until the perfect moment to kill Bradbury. Maybe in the winter. During a snowfall. Connecting the previous snowflakes with the past and the present.

OVERALL

An exciting thriller with good characters, multidimensional antagonist, interesting flashbacks, and some strong imagery.

There is a strange psychological side that never fully develops. Bad Em could be more pivotal. For me, our protagonist could have acted more like his age. Maybe addressing some midlife issues could help? I could have used more suspense and psychological games. As is, this thriller plays out more like an action movie for Jason Statham or something. I like those movies, so that's not a negative. I point this out in regards to the challenge parameters. For me, thrillers have a little more drama and psychological intrigue.

That said, this fast-paced action-packed ride was lots of fun with enough meat on the bones to keep me interested throughout. Congrats on pulling this off within an accelerated timeline.

Hey lee,

10 more Pgs in.

Reads really fast which I think may pose a problem. It goes to fast. Slow down a bit. Let us marinate a bit before zooming .

Treat this script like die hard 2 where they show both the villain and hero .

Hope this helps
Gabe

Hey Lee,

If I remember right, anywhere in those OWC-threads you talked about you've begun with making some changes and come up with a fresh script soon. So, I took yours from the top to the pile's bottom.

Just let me know what's up on Shadow Games, call me out; I could stay with that draft here
or if you want me to check a newer draft contact me here, via pm, or send me the script to mail.

Alex