I'm pretty sure the reason this script seems so out there to all of us is because it is steeped in Kabbalistic references.  I don't know that much about the Kabbalah either but I did recognise a few of them - especially the title - Mem which is the thirteenth letter of the Hebrew alphabet.  

I know this doesn't really help but I figured I'd mention it anyway.

Yes, I'm pretty sure I picked up on a subtle reference in this one that makes me suspect the identity of the author. And his style which can really fluctuate from script to script. Enjoyable in an odd kind of way but overall too obscure and I didn't get a real feeling of romance from this. Just an esoteric kind of thinking-man's/woman's script really. I guess also you tried to deflect suspicion by using this bloody awful font. Good try. We'll see.

It reminded me of being human and how we all struggle to find our own lyrics, our own understanding.

I thought it was well written. I loved that the word dealywig was used. The writer could've wrote "Her gorgeous face has an 'about to sneeze' look". But dealywig fit the script better and helped to set tone. Little things like that I enjoyed. "Hip Hop Hynotherapy", LawL!

It remined me of poems that I don't understand but like anyway!  

My Dear, you constantly amaze with your imagination that edges closer to lunacy with every script.

Extremely interesting material for a script. Not just the bizarre characters, but the idea of using Mem.

It works in a way, although only about .00000002% of people in the world would have a clue what you're whittling on about. And I'm not one of them.

A story about people trying to find the lyrics to life that is analogous with the Thirteen Divine Attributes of Mercy? You've even got God himself appearing under one of his many disguises (Eli). The path of true wisdom from the superconscious.

I loved the idea that God would give them the melody but they have to fill in the lyrics.

I'm not sure why you want to write scripts. The media seems too restrictive for your tastes. You're constantly trying to break out of the confines of it.

You're a weird one and no mistake.

One Love.

Welp, Thinks i'm jus gonna talks like a simpleton in me review cuz me feels like one now.

I had no idea where this went, or any of the references. Maybe if I understood, i could have enjoyed it. This may be the most brilliant piece i've ever read, but i wouldn't know it. i tried my best....

You obviously know how to write, i think. There wasn't any errors as far as i could see. The scripts would have flowed nicely if i didn't have to go back and read everything twice...

I dunno what to say, maybe you can enlighten after the reveal?? Then I'd like to read it again.

James

We all know who wrote this - I can't think of any other writer with such a distinctive style.

It justs seems ridiculous to try and break this one down into categories and give it marks out of 10...it'd completely go against what the writer has done here. So I'm not going to try.

I will say this, though: your font did you no favours. Dec mentioned that you seem to be fighting against the boundaries of the medium you've CHOSEN to write in...think he's got something there. Poetry does seem to be a better place for your talents.

TOTAL: ?/50

As everyone else has said, quite obvious who wrote this.

I had no idea what was going on throughout the first few pages and didn't have a semblance of an idea until the flashback scene. I wonder if that had appeared at the beginning of the script instead of as a flashback if that would've helped.

ZAHRA
(slurring)
‘cause they can’t talk properly.

There's a funny line and there were a few more. I guess someone could call it drama but I didn't have enough of a grasp on the whole thing to do so. No real romance either, unless you count the multiple times the two main characters 'slip behind a screen if you know what I mean.' You did a good job incorporating the song though and having the actions in the script revolve around it.

Honestly, there's so much potential and ambition here that I really think this story would be better off as a novel.

Maybe she will turn it into a novel one day.  I recognize this writing anywhere.  Good Job.  I enjoyed it.  I could be wrong but I doubt it.



Ghostwriter22

Sandra, I absolutely love you. I will read this one tomorrow after I've had a beer or two. The beer helps me understand you better. I still remember your entry for the boat OWC,. I liked it! Now that should mean something shouldn't it? It was a long time ago.  

Thank you to everyone who read and commented.

This has been a wonderful opportunity and I will reMEMber it always!

Sandra

Right off the bat, I am confused. A bartender, not in a bar. I know you had the slug, but since I am of a lower intelligence (http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1252375351/) you must cater. And on his head is not the same as in a headstand. I know what a headstand is, so say that first. Like I said, I’m of lower intelligence (see link).

You said PERKS…(see link).

With the intercut, I’m not following. If you use names instead of personal pronouns, I’d follow better.

And there it is…What if God was one of us.

Okay, wtf are you smoking? What ever it is, I don’t want any.

Oh wow, and I really like your last line. The very last one.

So I’m in some kind of Alice in Wonderland on shrooms.

I can’t say I followed much, but I did get the strong sense that Mixel and Zahra were on the same page. They were linked together unlike the vast majority of men and women who are not, and that is a tragic shame. That is what stood out most to me.

I think I need 3-d glasses and a few drinks to watch this. Few drinks since that’s all I’ll do anymore. That’s because (the more altering drugs) made a creature a lower intelligence (see link).

The prose is jubilant, but mainly serves to lose me in the story, even if it keeps the tone way upbeat, you know, way upbeat, like staying high...wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say more.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Right off the bat, I am confused. A bartender, not in a bar. I know you had the slug, but since I am of a lower intelligence (http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1252375351/) you must cater. And on his head is not the same as in a headstand. I know what a headstand is, so say that first. Like I said, I’m of lower intelligence (see link). You said PERKS…(see link). With the intercut, I’m not following. If you use names instead of personal pronouns, I’d follow better. And there it is…What if God was one of us. Okay, wtf are you smoking? What ever it is, I don’t want any. Oh wow, and I really like your last line. The very last one. So I’m in some kind of Alice in Wonderland on shrooms. I can’t say I followed much, but I did get the strong sense that Mixel and Zahra were on the same page. They were linked together unlike the vast majority of men and women who are not, and that is a tragic shame. That is what stood out most to me. I think I need 3-d glasses and a few drinks to watch this. Few drinks since that’s all I’ll do anymore. That’s because (the more altering drugs) made a creature a lower intelligence (see link). The prose is jubilant, but mainly serves to lose me in the story, even if it keeps the tone way upbeat, you know, way upbeat, like staying high...wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say more.

Thank you Clorox,

You know, I really appreciate your time. I've been watching your comments and though they might sometimes be curt, I feel I resonate with them.

Your first comment, regarding my choice of "On His Head", really it's something that I thought long and hard on.

You know, I felt that too. That I MAYBE, I should just write headstand. But for some reason, I was compelled to choose "On his head". It felt right to me, because this is meant to be an esoteric piece, and the idea of "flipping" and "opposites" is thick throughout.

I will attend to the criticisms you have blessed me with and try and apply them into future works.

Sandra

Sandra,

I read this twice to get a better feel for it. Like the others, I was confused at first.

After the second read:  I think you have a great story here, and it played out really funny. I adored the characters, too.

A few things stood out: bisexual= two times gay, the hand signals, WIGWOOU, I can't have sex when I feel so screwed  . Funny stuff.

Actually, the more I think about this one, the more I love it.

What I disliked, and why I think others had a hard time reading this:

The bold font made it hard to read. Scripts aren't supposed to be in that font or bold.
Things like: koo-koo-ca-choo! Is someone saying that? If so, it should be set up in dialogue with the person O.S.

You start a scene with: Arm-in-arm they go.
IF you meant Zahra and Mixel, it should be Zahra and Mixel stroll arm-in-arm.

Tatoo should be Tattoo

The song Mem is it meant to be sung? If so, by who?
As it is now it is just the words on the screen.

I think it might be better if it is sung.

Sandra, I love this one, but it needs some work.

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller Sandra, I read this twice to get a better feel for it. Like the others, I was confused at first. After the second read:  I think you have a great story here, and it played out really funny. I adored the characters, too. A few things stood out: bisexual= two times gay, the hand signals, WIGWOOU, I can't have sex when I feel so screwed  . Funny stuff. Actually, the more I think about this one, the more I love it. What I disliked, and why I think others had a hard time reading this: The bold font made it hard to read. Scripts aren't supposed to be in that font or bold. Things like: koo-koo-ca-choo! Is someone saying that? If so, it should be set up in dialogue with the person O.S. You start a scene with: Arm-in-arm they go. IF you meant Zahra and Mixel, it should be Zahra and Mixel stroll arm-in-arm. Tatoo should be Tattoo The song Mem is it meant to be sung? If so, by who? As it is now it is just the words on the screen. I think it might be better if it is sung. Sandra, I love this one, but it needs some work. Cindy

Thank you so much, Cindy!

I don't know why this is showing up as bold font. It's not bold for me on my screen and not when I print out a hard copy. I had worked it in Final Draft with Courier font and then I saved it to PDF.

Somehow, I will need to get the source of this problem. I think a dude named Omni is singing Mem. But you never can be too sure. (Shaking head.) You just never can really tell for sure.  

Sandra

Sandra,

I'd love to hear some more of your thoughts on the script. What were you trying to say? What was the hidden message behind the idea of using mem?

I voted it into my top three BTW.