SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 17th, 2021, 8:53pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Items of Note:

Yes, I am running script reviews, again...
find a good Script and write a review!

Scripts Studios Are Posting For 2021 Award Consideration

I'm not ignoring you. Check your spam folder.


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    December 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  A Pixie Little Christmas - OWC - Sold
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    A Pixie Little Christmas - OWC - Sold  (currently 538 views)
Don
Posted: December 19th, 2020, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14276
Posts Per Day
1.96
A Pixie Little Christmas by Matthew Taylor (Matt) writing as Sinterklaas - When a Pixie's home is stolen, his anger endangers a little girl's Christmas.  Short, Animation, Christmas

**
Script removed. Sold.


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 6th, 2021, 11:49am
Logged
Site Private Message
Cameron
Posted: December 19th, 2020, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hmmmmmm, Sinterklass? How very Dutch of you! Glad you avoided Black Peter, for those not aware of Dutch Xmas traditions look that bad boy up.

Hey writer!!

Wow, that was charming. God love Caspian, with his Narnia-esque name and maddening stuck in the living room situation. I felt his pain, it moved around the place with him being a dick, then fixing his dickishness. Nice wee story.

There was one annoying bit where you kept saying “year”, but apart from that the writing all worked. However, was it low budget as per the aforementioned requirements? Errrrr, probably a few marks off there.

Yeah, I liked it, especially the dog bit, nice one!

Cam

P.S. This review was brought to you by Slade, and not the Christmas song, mother trucking Slade In Flames. God bless Slade, forever a Christmas miracle.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 27
AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 19th, 2020, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
3466
Posts Per Day
1.32
Like the opening scene and description but it feels a little over written, and some odd word choices too - I don't think you can tepidly poke your head out, did you mean timidly?

Why are there nettles on the end of the branch?

He is introduced flying, why does he need the tinsel to get down the tree?

A pixie as the ornament, er, well seen as it's the season of goodwill

Love the ending.

Good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 27
Sam
Posted: December 20th, 2020, 6:30am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
72
Posts Per Day
0.05
Your writing really captured the spirit of the story. It flowed really nicely with a consistent high energy, Christmas spirit.

It’s a sweet story but my only criticism would be that I think you need a stronger reason for the fairy to fix the Christmas tree. I mean, these people have cut down its home, dragged it in the house and tarted it up with decorations but the fairy is the bad guy for tearing it all down?

I think it would benefit from a stronger justification than the little kid crying because the trees a mess. It sounds like they have a pretty sweet Christmas house even without the tree.

Maybe if the family was really poor and the tree was all they had for Christmas then I would have empathized with them but in this version I think the fairy should have rained hell down upon them for cutting down its home. Or maybe just seek compensation in the small claims court.

You’re a talented writer.


Email - samuellees@yahoo.co.uk
My script The Reachable Moon - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-family/m-1517759624/

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 27
Dustin
Posted: December 20th, 2020, 9:26am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5258
Posts Per Day
1.92


Quoted Text
I don't think you can tepidly poke your head out, did you mean timidly?


It means, in this context, half-hearted.

Great, well done. Very well written, not overwritten at all. A creative story with a happy, Christmas-type ending. Perfect.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 27
LC
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 1:52am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4980
Posts Per Day
1.11
Wow, you got all that story into six pages!

The only quibble I had was in the writing of the transition from tree to house - laminate (flooring)... It was a little discombobulating at first.

His anger is now predominant.  I think you could simplify lines like this, but...

I loved the imagery, especially Caspian spiralling down on the tinsel.

Overall, this was a wonderfully written animated tale.

A mighty fine entry!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 27
MarkRenshaw
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 11:51am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
1959
Posts Per Day
0.70
This was written by someone who really knows how to write a screenplay. Outstanding.

My only question, when Caspian bumped into the nutcracker, did it smell of poop?

I'd be very surprised if this didn't win. Top-notch!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 27
eldave1
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6268
Posts Per Day
2.66
Staring with a real nitty issue – CONIFER rather than PINE TREE – to me, simple is usually better. (like I said – a real nit).

A problem for me here:


Quoted Text
DAD
Come on now, it's okay. We can fix it.


So, Dad comes into the room finding a tree that he just decorated in shambles – stuff strewn everywhere and his reaction is a mild we can fix it rather than a what the hell happened. Didn’t make sense to me.

Okay - done.

Parameters met.

A warm-hearted story - I enjoy it.

Yes - it is a bit over-written - flowery - BUT - in this case for me it works as we are writing Christmas themed stories and - at least for me - tone and setting are important (ya know - that magical time of the year) and in this case, I think the over-writing effectively serves the purpose of establishing tone and setting.

For me - the destruction of the tree is not needed - I think you could have just gone with Caspian overhearing a chat about the family not being able to afford fancy ornaments (i.e/, make the tree somewhat bare other than a few hand-crafted things) and the no money for presents.

Nice job - tugs at the heart strings.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 27
JEStaats
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1325
Posts Per Day
0.81
Really well done, writer. I'm surprised no one has mentioned low budget, which this wouldn't be. Although this would make an excellent comic or kids picture book! Really, seriously consider the picture book.

Having a daughter that loves all the Tinkerbell movies, I could totally SEE this. Good job.

BTW - I had a dark vision when the daughter grabbed the string to hang Caspian. I really thought there might be a hangin'! Luckily it was around the waist and not his neck. Stevie would've enjoyed that turn.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 27
Rob
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
66
Posts Per Day
0.08
The puppy at the end was a nice surprise addition. I didn't see that coming.

There was a lot to like about this story.

I was a little perplexed about the pixie's decision to smash up the tree. I understand that he was startled by his new environment, but the destructive nature seemed a little harsh. I suggest finding a way to make this a little more accidental.

The lines about entering " a small green box with a button on top" are a little vague. Not sure exactly what I'm looking at.

Also, is there a missing cat? There is a line about a cat that's tossed out, but seems to get lost in the shuffle. Did I misread something?

Thanks for an interesting read.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 27
Dreamscale
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.39
"(O.C.)" - (O.S.)

There are numerous writing mistakes on display and for me, it really takes away from what could be a very magical Christmas script.  I'm not going to go into details here, though.

Story-wise, there's very little here, but whenever a story ends in a such a happy way, it's hard to really care about the negatives.

I think my biggest issue is that the enchanted ornament parameter.  Yeah, yeah, I know, Caspian became the ornament and he is truly "enchanted", but for me, that entire element didn't work very well.

This is good, for sure, but IMO, it doesn't compare to several others I've already come across.

***1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 27
_ghostwriters
Posted: December 22nd, 2020, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1108
Posts Per Day
0.26
I feel like I owe you money!

I would have dimmed the lights and made popcorn if I knew it was going to be that good, but that would be odd since I am at work.  I won't do my normal verbose critique. Mainly because I don't have to. There's very little wrong with this.  Job well done. Best of Irish luck!-ghostie girl.


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 27
StevenClark
Posted: December 26th, 2020, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2318
Posts Per Day
0.80
Writer,

Well, this was a right jolly tale with a happy ending. Unfortunately, it needs work. Your action writing is way over done and it takes forever to read. You need to trim the action down, stop trying to be too descriptive and get to the point. Definitely not a lot of white showing here. That’s bad. However, it wasn’t written badly, if that makes sense. Grammar, punctuation - all good, nothing glaring. Just way to descriptive. The story ends happily, but I wish you had played upon the parents dilemma of not being able to provide a great Christmas more. Would have liked to have seen their plight more. Anyway, decent job, but it misses the mark for me.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 27
Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 29th, 2020, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1168
Posts Per Day
1.42
Thanks all for the lovely comments and reviews, made the run up to Christmas all the sweeter lol

I honestly thought you would all hate the story.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
He is introduced flying, why does he need the tinsel to get down the tree?


He doesn't need to, but it gets the tinsel off the tree and thought it would look cool.


Quoted from Sam
Maybe if the family was really poor and the tree was all they had for Christmas then I would have empathized with them...


I didn't want to go for a stereotypical poor family. Just a normal family who has come into hard times (like a lot of families this year), so they still have the decorations from past Christmases when times were better.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw

My only question, when Caspian bumped into the nutcracker, did it smell of poop?


When I first read your comment, I had no idea what you were talking about and thought Nutcracker might have a double meaning... then I read "Grandmas Nutcracker"


Quoted from eldave1
So, Dad comes into the room finding a tree that he just decorated in shambles – stuff strewn everywhere and his reaction is a mild we can fix it rather than a what the hell happened. Didn’t make sense to me.



Quoted from Rob

Also, is there a missing cat? There is a line about a cat that's tossed out, but seems to get lost in the shuffle. Did I misread something?


Yea that didn't make sense to me either. In the longer version, there is a cat at the beginning who attacks the Christmas decorations, the pixie then plants evidence to frame the cat after he destroys everything, so I wanted the Dad to believe the cat did it. But the story was too long and had to be cut down.


Quoted from _ghostwriters
I feel like I owe you money!


I will take some money if you are offering  


Again, thanks all for the read and reviews - I think I have come a long way since my first OWC back in January 2019 and it's all thanks to you guys and SS.

Happy New Year to all


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 27
Don
Posted: January 6th, 2021, 11:50am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14276
Posts Per Day
1.96

Quoted Text


Hi, Don.

Can you please remove "A Pixie Little Christmas" from the site as this has now been sold.

Thank you very much

Regards

Matt


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 27
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    December 2020 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006