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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    December, 2011 Urban Legend OWC  ›  Semper Fi - ULOWC
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  Author    Semper Fi - ULOWC  (currently 2499 views)
Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Semper Fi by Felipe D. Machado (cinemachado) - Short, Suspense - A man attempts to settle his affairs before flying home from military duty. - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Not following. Morrison is having an affair with Callahan's wife. Morrison left his own wife waiting somewhere. Callahan confronts Morrison, Callahan confronts Sam. But there is no ending.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Felipe,

As we go my notes are;

i understand you didn't have the chance of a front page but here's just a reminder for a fade in.

slug - DAWN - i like this, gives a feel. Not sure if it is standard, but i like it.

Morrision - i think "Jogs along" would be better than jogging, then i think you can use a mini slug at the air base, as he arrives at a base within the same time frame.

MORRISONS House - i didn't know which one since you have introduced two of them, best to confirm it is his. I think the description of picture frames could be worth revising, sounds a little confused

Morrisions showers, or takes a shower could be a better description, besides the slug should tell us.

SEMPER FIDELIS - don't know what this is so will be interested to see if it is explained.(post note - we aren't, so i still don't know what this is about - maybe thats me)

next title has continuous - don't think this is required as largely a single scene

"His fears are all but confirmed" what does this look like on the screen?

jenkins - how old?

Sam how old?

I liked the story. Not sure i liked the ending, but having said that, having a floating question of whats in the box has merit. A touch of SEVEN about it? An foreign affair with a base commanders wife? I like the basis of this, it has the potential for all sorts of drama and tension. Whats the myth? Head in the box?

All the best.












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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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mcornetto
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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You have to know the legend to get the ending.  I did get the ending.  

I thought you did a good job with this.  I thought you dragged out the ending a bit.  For those that know the legend - it was obvious what was in the box.  For those that don't, all the hinting in the world isn't going to tell them.  You have to be either more overt with the hints or open the box.  

I suggest that you open the box and do it much more quickly.  

Otherwise, good work.  I got it - but don't want to spoil it for those who didn't.
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Sham
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good. From the opening scene, I thought you were using a variation of this legend, but I liked where you went with it instead.

Like Michael, I knew what was in the box at the end.

Nice job.

Chris


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grademan
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry man. Didn't get it.

Gary
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Felipe
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,
I totally understand the confusion. I'd be confused too of I didn't write it. I'm in Rio for new years and finished this draft at 11pm on the 31st haha. I will take all the suggestions into consideration and do a rewrite at some point. Thanks for reading and critiquing!

in case you were wondering, the Urban Legend is this one : http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/headless.asp

All the best!

P.S. I downloaded all the other script to my iPad and will be reading them at the beach today. Will try to have reviews and comments up as soon as possible!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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Felipe
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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Also, Semper Fi is the marine motto, short for Semper Fidelis. It is Latin for Always Faithful.


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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pale yellow
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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I wasn't sure why he went to the phone booth when before he kept getting messages and stuff on a cell phone.

I knew what was in the box...but what would it have hurt to have her open it at the end??? Or if she wasn't gonna open it, let Callahan state it as he walks out....

Overall, I liked it.


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Angry Bear
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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I think you did a good job here, but for me one thing missing was that I didn't care for anyone except for his wife... I felt sorry for her as her shit of a husband screws around with someone else who is also married and get her pregnant too. IMHO, this would work better if Morrison was not married himself and if Callahan was a really bad guy. Like maybe a wife beater or something. Then Mrs. Callahan and Morrison would both get some sympathy, but the way it is now, I only care about Morrison's wife and their son.

Other than that, I thought you did a good job.  

PS. don't have too much fun in Rio now!!  


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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey Felipe,

I liked this and it kept me guessing. The ending worked for me although I didnít understand it until just now when I looked it up. It doesnít always work but sometimes itís good to leave it with the reader guessing, let them use their imagination. Reading scripts on the beach, youíre just rubbing it in now.

Good effort.

Steve
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Felipe,

Thanks for playing OWC!

Sorry to say I'm completely lost with this one.
Calling Jane Morrison Jane, and then her husband just Morrison.
Reviewed it twice, I guess there's some vague hint of infidelity here.
And I'm guessing what's in the box, since I've seen Se7en.

This read fine, but the story was a jumble to me.

Regards,
E.D.


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Felipe
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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My problem here was that i added the first scene after writing the entire script. That added tote name confusion, but most characters were referred to by their last names because of military standards.

I did intend for Jane to be the only sympathetic character. I'm a bit of a cynic and think most people aren't all that likable in a long enough timeline. I guess that didn't work too well.

As soon as I submitted the script I realized I forgot to go back and add some character descriptions. At the very least I should have given their ages.

Someone allso asked why she didn't just open the box. The reason for that was because I intended on having her open it, but she knew what was in it. At least in my head she did. In reality, I knew what was in it and that made me unable to open it. So I didn't. Hoped it would translate. Need to work on it.


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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AdamJohns
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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Well written script.  The dialogue flowed; sounded realistic. My suggestion is to change the title.  Semper Fi is always faithful, but some of the characters certainly weren't.  Unless of course you're going for some irony here.  Great job overall.
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Felipe
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, the title is meant to be ironic. =)


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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