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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Deliver Us From Evil - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Deliver Us From Evil - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4704 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Deliver Us From Evil by Anonymous Francis - Short - A man's faith is tested as he attempts to evade an unknown assailant. - pdf, format


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danbotha
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I liked everything in this right until that ending which made absolutely no sense, IMO. I'm not sure if I'm correct, but I think Gerald ended up possessed at the end??

Otherwise, I thought this was great. You meet all the challenge's criteria in an effective way.

There is the occasional moment where you fall victim to passive and redundant writing, but most of the points I would have made aren't set rules, just guidelines.

Overall, I liked it. Now, if only that ending made more sense...

Good job o finishing the OWC.

Dan


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Well?  Clueless as to what this is supposed to be about.

It doesn't meet the challenge at all, as far as I can tell...doesn't really even try to.

Although the writing is not terrible by any means, it does leave alot ot be desired, as it just doesn't read well.  Many awkward lines, long passgaes that contain so many more words than are necessary.  Not sure why the bottom margins are so huge, either, almost like the script was purposely padded.

The good news is this ain't the worst of the bunch, but the bad news is that it definitely isn't very good, either.

Hey, you got me to read the entire thing, though, so good work.


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pale yellow
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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This was ok for me up until the end. I read the ending twice and it was still confusing. Since his voice changed at the end...I have to assume that his body was taken over at the end??

Anyway, not my favorite but still decent ...better than some of the others for sure.


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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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This feels like you spent each day of the week working hard on just one page at a time and then you ran out of time and had to abruptly end it.  I was intrigued.  This was a pretty cool mystery piece and then it just ended and I have no idea what just happened.  I guess the supernatural element is there at the end but I have no idea why the hell things happened the way they did.  The only guess is that Vic is Satan and he won the battle with Gerald and is now gonna go out and wreak havoc.  Not sure there was a "good and evil" decision in here either even though evil is in the title.

It was really good work for a while but it just fell apart there.  Would like to know your process here.  This could be very good if expanded on the way it deserves to be.

Nice work.

Greg


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irish eyes
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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?????????

I'm confused.. the ending really lost it for me...So he hit himself over the head with a baseball bat and then shot himself... and not to mention have a conversation with himself on another phone???

Sorry... Hopefully you can explain it when the names are revealed..

Mark


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mcornetto
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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This probably needs to be expanded.  I think there's a story here but it's not defined enough in the pages it used.  

It also doesn't quite meet the requirements of a decision - or at least I didn't see it.

I'm pretty certain I got what you were aiming for - some sort of multiple personality disorder or even better a priest who is possessed (you could really have some fun with that).  

So, good job, but it can be much more than it is.
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kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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I had a mystery vibe reading up until the showdown with Vic. Some long passages that could be broken up. For example on page 2, the four action lines can be separated between room description and what Gerald's doing. Usually, anything with 4 lines is not pleasant for the reader.

I didn't see the supernatural element except in the end? However, i didn't get the ending unless Vic took the form of the protag. There was also no decision to choose between good or evil as far as I can tell.

Everything is good until it flamed out in the end. Might have been the writer ran out of time .
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Virtually everyone here is echoing the same sentiments that I feel. The ending got really confusing and the passages were highly overwritten. It wasn't bad but it certainly felt rough.

C.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Some decent suspense that gets done in by a head scratcher of an ending.  

Lot of questions here just went completely unanswered.  Who cut Gerald?  Why was he checking into this motel?   Is he on the run?

What was with the piece of paper under the door?  Why did it "unfurl itself?"  Is the paper supernatural or just a figment of Gerald's imagination?

I was hoping the suspense would be heightened after the phone call, but the tension slackens when Gerald goes to the office.  Felt like a missed opportunity.

There's an idea in this script somewhere, but it felt like the writer wasn't sure where to take this one.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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Ok, time to repeat others. My thoughts;

The "somebodies" watching me felt good and the "who is Gerald" played nicely into this
But at some Stage I felt we needed answers which we didn't get so were left in the lurch, who is Vic, what's the problem, the reason etc yes, a sense of paranoia, but leaving it like that doesn't quite work, for me.
The ending - yeah, not clear, but soemthing that could be resolved
Henrik - too passive for a short script IMO.

Got potential


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jwent6688
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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Gonna take a guess at the end of this. Did Gerald shoot himself and then Vic, whoever he is, take over his body? Like I said, its a guess because I had no idea where this was heading.

I did like the set up you had going here. A priest on the run. But, from what?

So, overall,  this was just okay for me. I think you need to expand on this story a bit to make it work.

Good job entering the owc.

James


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khamanna
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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I missed the pay off in this one - probably missunderstand it or something.

Hopefully you'll rewrite it some day, make it clearer - im interested to know what happened in the end. Otherwise it is well written and all.
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alffy
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Strange one this but I liked it.

I'll have a stab (no pun intended) that Gerald and Vic are one and the same person and Vic kills off his alter-ego Gerald.  If this is the case then I wonder why Vic wears the dog collar?  Perhaps both are men of the cloth, one, Gerald, losing his faith as he blasphemes early on.

As Gerald is the only character given an age, I wonder if maybe Henrik is another personality of Gerald's?

Anyway, I liked this, the best I've read so far.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Since the OWC could have up to 12 pgs, I was lightly disappointed that there wasn't at least one more page, because I'm going to have to agree with everyone here - there seems to be a scene or two missing, since the ending is weak and confusing. It's a shame, too, because up until that last page the piece was going together nicely (although it is another entry in which peeps forgot what "abandoned" means) ,,,

In any case, why settle for average?


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