I agree that this was good. Well-written, with good dialogue. I'd be careful with Kimmie May's dialogue, though, since you don't want it to sound racist.

Typo page 2: "in prayer mode in font of him." front.

I like the characters in this. Great job completing the OWC.

It seems like this OWC is heavy on the religion theme out of the ones I've read. This one was well done. The dialogue is crisp and you could tell from the way they talk that each character was unique in a way.

One only minor complaint is that Michael sounded too good to be true. I was actually expecting him to be the Devil as a twist.

good job.

Didn't care for this as much as some of the others here.  Couldn't figure out if the writer was going for full-on comedy sketch or earnest parable on faith.  Seemed to waver between the two.  Chick gets knocked up by Satan at Spring Break.  Now that's what I call high concept.  Some of those lines made me laugh, though.  Especially when Lew says " Be strong, my big black ass!"

The ending was reminiscent of A Christmas Carol.

So, not my favorite, but the dialogue was kinda funny.

A well done effort that I enjoyed reading. It's a story that's been told many times before (good and evil battling for someone's soul), but your character work (especially Lew) made it fun to read.

Overall the dialogue was very good, although Kimmie May did come across as a bit of a charicature.

The term 'shimmering beads' was way overused. There's something like ten times where you use 'shimmering beads' as a description, and it did come off as very repetitive. Try to mix the descriptions up a little.

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Check. Lew was definitely the stand-out character. He came across like some kind of demented evangelist, and was extremely memorable.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Kimmie May's dilemma of choosing between Lew and Michael nails the criteria.

Past supernatural event?
Check. Getting knocked up by the Devil definitely counts as a supernatural event.

Micro budget?
Fail. Using 'Yellow Submarine' and 'Rock you like a Hurricane' would blow the budget of a lot of features let alone a short! You also had a few special effect scenes that would be impossible on a micro budget (The opening shot of the hurricane battering the motel; The 'shimmering bead' water effects).

Congratulations on writing such a solid OWC entry.

This is my favourite script so far.

Smashed the criteria, is funny, easy flowing and well written.

Good stuff!!

So far, this is my fav.  Lew's a great character.  

Is it a total novel idea?  Nah.  But the way it comes together really works for me.  Not much to say here, since there's little I'd throw in as a constructive criticism.  I like it.

Thhhouuuuggh...  There *are* a few things I'd tweak, if/when you rewrite.  

1) You're laying it on a bit too thick with Mom's po' southern dialogue.  I was *that* close to being racially offended.  

2) Okay - she had a one night stand with a very distinct looking guy...and she doesn't recognize him the minute he walks in?  

3) The decision at the end.  WAY too passive.  Have Michael give her more info on the pros and cons - which need to be way compelling on both sides - and have *her* make the decision (rather than just seeing it in a vision of a headstone.)  

4) More snarky back and forth with Lew and Michael, please!  That part particularly shone.

Cheers,

--J (W)

Afraid I'm going to have to go against the grain on this one.

Maybe it can be chalked up to me not being a 'comedy' type person, but someone going around the whole story doing a weird 'jig' just doesn't do it for me.

I also have to disagree with what everyone's saying about the dialogue.  I think it was way too over the top for me.  However, I also have to disagree with people because I don't think the dialogue was racist, either, just over the top.  (Also, the drawl was something more like you'd hear in Georgia, New Orleans, Alabama and Mississippi.)  Not Southern Florida.  (Former resident!  God, I miss it, there.)

On a good note, the criteria of the challenge here was met.  (All right, so it might not have been MICRO-budget,) but nailed everything else.  (I also disagree with what others are saying that the other scripts 'Aren't' meeting the requirements, but that's another topic.)

So good job nailing down the challenge.  As for the story, again, you can blame it on me not being a comedy person, but this one just didn't do it for me.

- Mark

Ha!  Clever, very clever.  Held my interest and had some great characters.  All the guidelines were hit in a very entertaining way.  Excellent!

Going through my top five list and looked over this one again...

Have to say...you got the best dialogue of any of the entries this go around!

Good job man...or uh woman haha

Nice and simple, the choice between good/bad, Christ/evil, a grave or partying all night for the rest of your life....did she make the right one?

I don't read other comments first but I do scan after reading. Racist?? Didn't to me, I just thought you were portraying this type of character, and rather well. You didn't make her stupid.

Lew and his jigs, yeah liked that. It stood out. Michael, quite frankly was so boring, uninspiring, it almost made the decision wrong. He's got to do better. Where's the sense of peace, the warmth, the joy of love etc that goes with his beliefs.

Lew being the father? Wasn't sure that worked, it could, but is it the best way? Why not just have her pregnant and these are the two options. If he was the father lew should have argued more for that, it also hangs over the child which was slightly forgotten at the end, which in reality should be the real focus.

So, a few issues but...

Sound effort.

This one has a lot to like. Very strong writing, except for the dialogue. Read it out loud and you'll hear how awful some of those lines are. But the description lines are powerful, visual, engaging.

What I really like about this is how the choice requirement is thrust to the forefront and becomes the story. The good and evil are literal, with the familiar twisted just enough to be interesting.

Despite the dialogue problems, this is one of my favourites. It went on a tad long, the last few pages had repetitive beats while trying to convince, and it was over-budget but the SPFX felt tacked on anyway and could easily be removed, but all in all one of the strongest entries I've read. Great job!

Okay, I had to read the last page a few times to actually understand what happened. Luckily I did too because I was about to write a bad review.

This was pretty solid, nice job here. The dialogue was sometimes distracting but it really got you into the read.

Not much I can suggest, the beads were strange and I couldn't get a clear image of them in my head. They play a vital part in the story so maybe a little more description would've been nice IMO.

Currently the best entry that I've read so far.

My grade: B+. Good job.

A few small formatting issues at the start like:

KIMMIE MAY (24 African American, very pregnant) - just age in parenthicals

&

FEMALE VOICE
(from radio)

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) - no need for the wrylies.

Yellow Submarine by the Beatles begins . . . suspicious

Enjoyed the characters, plot was pretty good, not a bad effort.

This was pretty good... The good v evil is definatley there to see.... I was a little taken back by Michaels"Get the fuck out of here" comment it seemed out of character.

BUt it was very tongue n cheek and read very easily

Good job

Mark

I thought this was a good one overall; I like how you incorporated the decision which has been lacking from a few I’ve read.

I can’t really go too much into this one though, fairly simple – well told story if not maybe a tad dialogue heavy but I expected that from a lot of these scripts.

If I’m being honest, although I found the dialogue quite humorous and genuine at times. It was still a drag to get through and I’ve never been that much into slang like this so maybe it’s down to my personal taste.

The writing was competent, I thought there was a few issues early on but these are easy fixable.  This is one of the stronger entries which meets most of the requirements – good job.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve