The dialogue was pretty good, but the whole middle section was repetitive and didn't really go anywhere.

The premise started off strong, I got a real sense that there was a paranormal code of conduct and practices which was cool. But it degenerated into a nonsensical extortion plot that had nothing to do with the paranormal. Himmler appears to be supernatural for about a second before becoming just another bad guy with leverage.

Then you dive into dangerous territory with a Nazi character, even if he is entirely unbelievable, and you make light of the Holocaust, and the Third Reich wins in the end. What, exactly, was the message you wanted to convey here?

For a comedy as black as this, it needs to be funny and it isn't. Not at all. Decent writing but very poor choices, IMO.

I hate to have to repeat what a lot of people are saying, but it didn't make me laugh enough for a comedy. I know you can polish it up more, though. I wouldn't mind giving it another shot if you decided to update it after the big reveal.

Thanks for participating and congrats!

I found a few lines funny and made it all the way through.... the whole Pete on video is wrote wrong..

Have a small slug on the side

On the T.V

I agree you tried a pisstake.. I did the same thing in the last OWC..

AND NO I DIDNT WRITE THIS

It wasn't the worst for me.... But good job on finishing


Mark

The writer was having a blast whilst writing this IMO, unfortunately I was not while reading it.

Why did Pete pass out on the floor in the bathroom?

I didn't get the significance of Pete saying the numbers aloud at the end. He gave him the code, was it voice activated too?

There was a decision, it was low budget, so good on those.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

Piss take or not, I liked this.  I really did.  But that was most likely due to the fact that my mind immediately put Rik Mayall (as Captain Flasheart) into the role of the captain.  The rest, as the Americans say, was pure gravy.

Unfortunately this one didn't work for me. The stakes are pretty high - Pete has to choose between the lives of his family or possibly aiding a second holocaust. But this fell flat because it became a kind of comedy. A poor comedy at that.

A lot of your descriptions seem to contradict what has come previously and could be worded better. For example: 'Pete walks over and opens the door' is followed by 'The door is kicked in' - how could it be kicked in if it was already open? Then there's: 'Pete stands tall' followed by 'Pete rises to his feet'.

As a character, Pete just didn't ring true. He's a total nerd who wears a cheesy  t-shirt with his own name on it, yet he talks tough and acts cocky, being macho and cracking jokes. In fact, he came across as a big of an arrogant asshole. Then there's the Captain. He's supposed to be Himmler, but his dialogue makes him sound American. He also doesn't come across as very threatening either.

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Fail. The premise of the characters is interesting, but the realisation is poor.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Kinda. His family's survival depends on the choice Pete makes.

Past supernatural event?
Check. He's a paranormal investigator.

Micro budget?
Check. This could be shot cheap enough.

Congratulations on writing a OWC entry.

There's a lot of things in this I didn't understand.

How is Himmler going to bring back the Nazi?  Is the DSS some sort of gateway?  How did Himmler get through in the first place and if he came through years ago, how does he know about Pete and his work, DSS and he must have possessed a lot of people if he can only stay in a body for short time period?

Others have suggested this is a comedy but I don't feel it.  If it is then you're brave to include Nazi's and the Holocaust in a comedy, even though they play little part.

I just didn't understand the concept with this one but I did like the idea of possession.

I thought this was an example of exactly the sort of thing not to write as a microbudget short.  

Whilst the concept was cool (it might work for an interesting feature) and the writing was ok -- this movie is completely told and not shown.

Too much exposition for my tastes, sorry.

Good job on getting something together for the OWC, however.  

This sets itself apart from the others with the intro. A proper character description of Pete also helps me imagine what he looks like. He's suitably odd.

End of Page 1/Page 2. Not sure about the format of PETE ON VIDEO, maybe

ON LAPTOP SCREEN

PETE (V.O.)
Dialouge

BACK TO SCENE

The Captain needs a better description when he's intro'd. From the title alone, I'm expecting WWII era military personnel. Some ambiguity here. Also, is it The Captain, or Captain?

The surreal nature of the dialouge in the exchange between Pete and Captain makes it hard to take the piece seriously. I'm banking that this is firmly rooted in pisser territory, but if at that, it just comes of as goofball corny. Sorry.

When I read the title, I thought it'd be like Poltergeist, just with Nazi ghosts instead of Native Americans or Kane. What I got instead was Ghostbusters Meet Hogan's Heroes before it's 'taken over' by Taken or any Harrison Ford action movie from the last 20 years. At one point, I think I half-expected to read the line "Get off my motel room!"

I understand that Ghostbusters involved ancient Sumerian gods bringing about the destruction of the world, but Ivan Reitman & Co. had a much larger budget and a much larger canvas to make it somewhat believable. The Ghost of Himmler trying to bring about a Fourth Reich from a seedy motel isn't interesting from a comedic or dramatic perspective. It's not even Bubba Ho-tep. I doubt it's Iron Sky.

Pete wasn't very likable, I thought. Unless he was Pete Venkman, as portrayed by Bill Murray (or the 'ghost' of the late Lorenzo Music). You kind of nailed that kind of character, as I pictured Zak Bagans from "Ghost Adventures" in my head, but that's not really a guy I can sympathize with. Every line sounded sarcastic and over-the-top. Which was fine when it was supposed to be funny. Then it arbitrarily became serious and it stuck out like a sore thumb.

I thought a few things were confusing too. I didn't get the ending. Did the Captain rip off Pete by giving him the motel's phone number? Also, why does Pete go to the bathroom and pass out? Is he that worn out after kicking the guy? I also didn't really get how the Ghost of Himmler knows so much about Pete and his family. Are the poltergeists in your story omnipotent? If so, why don't they already know the code?

I feel like the story suffered from bad planning. It's like the writer had an incomplete concept when they began, hoping they'd find it as they wrote it. Instead of finding the story's yang, it's like a lot of good, incoherent lightbulbs went off and were mistaken for that yang or were used as yang-substitute. Didn't work.

I'm not sure what the grading system is, but there's not much I would try to salvage from this, except for something funny in a hotel room involving Himmler's ghost. Like trying to perfect his homemade wiener schnitzel-flavored ramen recipe before he has to cross over, hoping this last gift to the world will redeem his past crimes against humanity. It wouldn't, but it'd be funny to see him try...and come close!

Well, it was an interesting premise - and could potentially have had interesting results if done seriously.  

On the flip side, kudos for trying to pull off a comedy within the restricted horror criteria of this OWC.

But - a light hearted romp with Himmler (who speaks with ya's and contemporary slang?)  Just *too* goofy...whether this was a piss take or not!    And the dialogue rambled...could definitely use a tightening up!  (Though I *did* personally like "I know jujutsu, bitch!")

Still -  cheers and best to Alice, whoever you are...  

--Janet (Wonka)

Other than a few technical issues on the first page, this was going okay and I like the idea of a paranormal investigator which is a solid choice of character this set challenge. Although I would question him being a so-called nerd in this such profession dealing with ghosts and ghouls.

What happened?! Well this bloke called the Captain turned up and we started getting lines like "I know jujutsu, bitch." Then Pete kept rising to his feet even though he was in a karate stance a page earlier and then some nonsense about nazi ghosts coming back and taking revenge. Oh, I forgot. They have also kidnapped his family but moved them somewhere secret - a bunker perhaps.

The dialogue was a mixed batch, some of it was good while some was very bad. There was a line in there about them becoming the dominant race again. Huh? Does he mean ghosts? Or Nazi's? Yeah, I was confused at times by this one.

Sorry, didn't really get into this one.  I think this was a comedy but it didn't get many laughs from me I'm afraid.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Ghosts of the Third Reich by - A nerdy ghost hunter must negotiate with a Nazi poltergeist in order to save his family or face a second Holocaust.
Brief - same as logline.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, basement. Interior, motel bathroom
Actors  -  PETE(30s), THE CAPTAIN(40s),
Costumes  -  Pete’s nerd outfit, The Captain’s military uniform and peaked hat
Props  -  pee-stained bed cover, video camera for destruction, cable, laptop computer, thick glasses, shirt that reads “PETE PODOLNIK, PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR” with a printed silhouette image of himself, silver future gun, iphone + pink case, door mirror to break
Audio FX  -  Dani & Pete’s voicemail recordings, beep, storm sounds, light to escalating knocks on door.
Visual FX  -  Green screen initial basement shots onto laptop
Other  -  rain on window, likely replacement of kicked in door, crash pads for fall to floor
Genre & Marketability - Paranormal horror suspense . Very marketable for a short
Comments  -  Since Pete announces his name and occupation on pg2 we can skip the expense of producing the t-shirt of the same. Interesting characters. Himmler speaks very good contemporary English! (Hmm... ) Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. Ho-lee sh!t. On pg6 it states The Captain drops the phone on the bed, so all of this since the knocking at the door has been going on in the motel room AND NOT in the basement video! Okay, you might consider making a better distinction of that back on pg2. Both motel rooms have doors and basements on video have doors that can be knocked upon. I’d eliminate the cracked bathroom door mirror element. Fairly nice story. Only need to move the camera around a few times within the room + the basement pick up shot. Very exciting dialog. Ending needs a complete rework, though. Script format: fair. Final word: Definitely a possible production candidate.

$1,000 - $2,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 10.5 Screenplay Pages
= $95 - $190  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - yes. I liked both of them very much
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - yep
between good or evil - yep
in order to survive the night. - not really, Pete’s family is on the line, but not Pete. Captain’s fighting the clock so he doesn’t really have a choice between good or evil to survive.
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep, sorta
Genre is open. - Paranormal horror suspense
This is a micro-budget short, - very much so
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - none
dinosaur(s) - none

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

I really liked the log line.  I thought it started off strong and it was a funny idea, but it kinda stagnated as it went on.  There was a lot going on in the dialog and I didn't really get quite what was going on towards the end.  

Without reading the log line first there was no indication that the captain was German when he was intro-ed, not a big point, but I felt some indication that the Captain had a German accent was needed.  

Good idea, had some funny moments.

I wanted to like this one more than I did. I was happy that Himmler was smarter than Pete but neither one was overly smart. It seemed that whenever you had a clever line, you followed it up with a boring line of Pete yelling at Himmler, asking where his family was. That got tiresome after a while.

The ending made no sense as some pointed out. Why isn't the phone in service? But, the writing was a little sub-par. The "Pete On Video" was bad. The "On Video" part should've been a parenthetical or part of the prose.

Anyway, it was... just all right. Maybe a little less.

C-.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Interesting choice of words. The Terminator was released in '84.

I'm going to guess that since he's a paranormal investigator, he was probably referring to "Ghostbusters" instead, which also came out in '84.