Now Lie In It by - A couple struggles with a tough choice after making a bad deal with the devil.
Brief - Couple seeks the help of Gabriel to “fix” their devil spawn.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, room bathroom.
Actors  -  JACKSON (2, SAVANNAH’s (24), GABRIEL (65),
Costumes  - merkins x2, raincoat, Gabriel’s long black trench coat and a wide brimmed
black hat
Props  - condom, cigarette + lighter x2, ice, several alcohol bottles, steak, baby bottle w/ translucent brown liquid, bloody blankets
Audio FX  -  Wind blown rain, bed creaking, thunder, condom snap, faint + loud squeals, wall punch, door knocks,
Visual FX  -  
Other  - Exterior lightning effect, sweat mister bottle, possible drywall repair, windblown water on window and exterior door.
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror drama
Comments  - Extra pay for nude actor. Very nice dialog. Single setting is nice. Only a few camera movements within that single space required. It’s not really a complete story so much as it’s a opening sequence. Script format: good. Final word: Definitely a possible production candidate. Wish it were more... compelling and complete.


$1,000 - $2,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.9 Screenplay Pages
= $112 - $225  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope. The situation is interesting, but none of the characters are
take refuge from a hurricane - nope. They’re just biding their time waiting
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - they are given a choice, but do not actually make it
between good or evil - not really, only between life or death
in order to survive the night. - yep
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep, especially Savannah!
that factors into their choice. - the past event has no bearing on their decision today
Genre is open. - Supernatural horror drama
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - maybe a little drywall repair
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

The biggest problem with this one is the dialogue is so continuously vague. Every character seems to be talking about something without talking about it. And, this isn't the subtext kind, either. This is just them asking each other questions about nothing.

That said, I was fine with the ending, overall, but the reactions didn't seem genuine. For a choice like your life or your kid's, you'd expect a little more emotion but we didn't get that.

The story could've been a lot better than it was, but it seems like you settled instead of going for something special which is a real shame.

C-.

This is up there in my tops.

I loved the atmoshphere and suspense that was built up.

I think maybe the ending was a little rushed and hurried, but I enjoyed everything about this.

Great job!

This didn't really do much for me, sorry. It was well written and  the dialogue flowed well, but nothing about the story really grabbed me. It was different and there was nothing wrong with it. When it comes to the OWC, I believed it hit the mark.

Good job.

Outstanding work for an OWC! If this gets produced, we won't see it on youtube, though, that's for sure.

So the devil's a pretty good lay, huh? It figures. He's always horny, too.

A lot of folks seem bothered by the amount of dialogue. I have to say I don't really understand this, except that it comes from a preconception that film has to be 80% action.

I watched a nice little indie type film the other day called Smoke with Harvey Keitel. There's a scene about 2/3 into it where Keitel tells a story. It must be at least 5 minutes long, and all we see is Keitel telling. No other images. But it's probably the best part of the film.

Not saying that this kind of thing should be the norm in scripts, but an interesting actor telling a story, or compelling dialogue between actors, can be entertaining film.

What was in the shower was good mystery building here, though the revelation could maybe be more dramatic.

The motive of wanting to write a book was a good "twist", I think. If the parents had just wanted a baby that would have been way too familiar and predictable.

The fact that she can no longer be satisfied by her husband is a great touch. Every girl wants the bad boy! Once you go Scratch you never go back.

If there might be a way to improve it might be to find a way to show the bond between mother and child a little better. Hard because we never see it. Maybe she tries to feed it the bottle, gets scratched on her arm, but puts her arm right back in to continue feeding. That might be a good way to reveal, though I guess you feed a wild animal cub with baby bottle too.

Great job!

We have a ten page script and it starts off with a full page of sex that doesn't have anything to do with the story?  It was a waste of space if you ask me.

My two big problems with this script (the above wasn't it) dealt with the pacing and with Gabriel.  In regards to the pacing, the story is half over before we even know what it's about.  This should've been revealed by page three.  There was just too much unecessary chatter.

Regarding Gabriel:  it's obvious that he's the angel Gabriel.  And he started out with that angelic presence that all of God's minions should have.  Then he drops the F-bomb and he loses that angelic charm and mystique.  He becomes someone else... someone less cool.

While I understand that you were keeping within the confines of the challenge, including the low budget, you need to give us more than three people talking and a little sex.


Phil

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all the comments and suggestions!

I will take this time to call myself out on my failures and explain them a bit:

I totally realized I forgot to put clothes on my characters after they had sex. I apologize to Jackson and Savannah for that. It was probably pretty nerve-racking to have to stand there and give a good performance naked in front of Gabriel.

Some of you didn't like the end. THe best (worst) excuse I have is that I wrote the last 2 pages in the final 15 minutes before the deadline.

My real excuse is that I always planned it to end that way. Gabriel is not Gabriel at all, but an agent of death. The choice between killing a child or letting it live is a choice between good and evil whether he is Satan's child or not. If they choose to kill the child, they go to hell, if they choose to let it live, they go to heaven (and the world burns, but that's a different story.) So while they are doing it for selfish reasons, they really are saving the world by damning themselves to an eternal hurricane in a dumpy motel. They are stuck with each other for all eternity. That's the real ending.

I feel like some people thought Gabriel killed the child and let them live. That's not what happened. You shouldn't even be so sure that David kills the child. He may just be rescuing the child.

Sorry for the contradicting explanations,but that's how I like it. I'm glad some of you enjoyed it and understand why others didn't. I appreciate the comments everyone gave. Please let me know if I never commented on yours and you'd like me to. I've read them but left some comments out due to a lack of new things to say.

P.S. Ray is the man for doing the breakdowns he did, but I disagree that this script does not have a choice between good and evil and the fact that the supernatural event has no bearing on the choice the couple had to make. There are other things I disagree with from the review, but these are the main points. =D

Quoted from Felipe I disagree that this script does not have a choice between good and evil and the fact that the supernatural event has no bearing on the choice the couple had to make.

I would agree with that.  I think if any script stuck to the brief - this one did.

It does seem a little empty. I kept on waiting for more of it to unravel, more of the book, more of a reason Jackson flies off the handle on the blog comment, more of the deal (did Jackson know), more of the punishment. It seemed like the sex and cursing came off a little too much like it was trying to assert itself as hard boiled but really needs to be trimmed in parts and expanded in others.