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The Withered by Thirty-Six - Horror - A woman severs the hands of her stalker. Locked up, he boasts he will finish the job. But how? ( R ) - pdf, format
I like the story, but the writing and dialogue could use some work.
The action lines aren't clear some of the time. The beginning, for example -- I couldn't tell, at first, if Jacob was in the van or standing somewhere else.
Some of the dialogue's a little on the nose. At some parts I wondered if this was even meant to be taken seriously.
Maybe you were rushed. I don't know. Anyway, this was not bad, but it could use a rewrite.
This 'story' is not bad. Definitely schlocky horror - and entertaining at that.
The writing does need quite a bit of fixing though...but I expect you might know that given it has a rushed feel to it and lots of little errors/typos etc.
As I read:
'He's your warlock stalker' 'You want to see some real bad ass warlock dark magic shit! I'll show bad ass magic shit'
Lines like this are really not great. But, maybe they're so bad they're good.
The 'severed hands' and the 'hands spider up her body' evoke some nice visuals...and all the blood - good job there.
The thing that does let it down is the writing overall:
'takes his head from his shoulders' - I take that to mean she decapitated him? As I read it, it sounded so casual - and 'Jacob's right' - what? his right hand?
It's a bit sloppily written and I sensed from reading that the 'deadline' was looming. I did enjoy it though. Has a real 'Hammer Horror' vibe. Well done.
Why did Sara end up in a sanitarium? Did she imagine the whole thing?
Lots and lots of typo's and grammar issues. The writing is a little too choppy. Some details are lost which makes some of the action confusing.
The story itself, well, there wasn't much of one. I don't know much about any of these characters. It was just all blood and gore. Some of the visuals were cool, like with the hand, but I wasn't connected to anyone. For me, it felt like I was just watching people being cut up.
Even in stories like this, it's important that we're invested in your main character. We have to want them to win.
I try to put time into my reviews, but I don't think the writer put much time into this story. It feels thrown together five minutes before the deadline. I mean I don't think the writer even tried, which kind of aggravates me, because I am taking time off from regular writing to try to read through all these.
The witches can handle the warlock very easily...when he has all his limbs.
But then they can't handle his hands, which are somehow more powerful when freed from the rest of the guy. Jeesh.
And this is not even about a stalker. It's a about a guy taking revenge because he was thrown out of a witch's coven.
The ending was obviously tacked on at 2 minutes to deadline.
I can accept a vengeful disembodied hand, but it would kill the witches in their sleep or something. I mean it's just a hand!
Kept thinking of Seinfeld: "But I got hand!" "And you're gonna need it."
Great start to this story! Excellent visuals and description with Jacob coming to Sara's front steps. No nosy neighbors. Enjoyed that small bit of detail there.
However, I found the rest to be a bit convoluted and somewhat of a letdown. You lost me when the hands came to life. Stuff like that's been done before, and I never cared for it much then.
However, I still think this can be something special if you toy around with it some more. Just my opinion, of course.
Not bad though. It's horror, it's witches, it meets the requirements, so good job on this!
First off, the writing style is a little hard to get through for me and leads to some awkward phrases. Such as on page 4, “Frees her bra.” Does this mean she’s topless now? And now that I’m picturing them naked with safety goggles on, I’m assuming any dark humor is intentional.
Ok, so the concept here is pretty good. I went into this kind of knowing what to expect and it delivered story-wise. I could sense the humor and the energy you wanted from this.
The writing style, however is not my favorite. It left me struggling to visualize a lot of what was going on. Elements of the scene would tend to come out of nowhere, rather than being set-up and then payed off. It also would have been good to have a little more back story on who these people are and how they find themselves here.
Lots of typos, lots of choppy description but also lots of well-written action. I really enjoyed it overall. The first scene does seem like it should be INT./EXT. Jacob's van instead of just EXT. and some of the dialogue was rough but the action more than made up for it. The ending worked as well. Good job.
Poor writing aside, I think you have a good sense of visual storytelling. You need to improve the writing to be able to take advantage of that, but that's the easy part. Keep learning and practicing.
A decent beginning, and then it becomes Evil Dead Hands. No story, just action. The action is pretty good, in an '80s B-movie campy way, which I don't mind. But without any story it's meaningless. The ending doesn't work, it just hints at the story that's missing without telling us anything.
There are way too many beats here, every little action spelled out and often on its own line. This should really be about four pages when properly written and formatted. Those extra pages would have been appreciated.
My 2nd to last OWC script, and as said earlier, I really wanted to give these last few scripts some time and detail, but it ain't gonna be happening here, and I'm out halfway down Page 3.
First of all, as others have said, the writing here is just terrible, filled with mistakes, and just a really poor way to write a script. Why are you constantly omitting your subject? Passages are broken up (or not broekn up) very poorly. So many important details are omitted, it's downright impossible to know what's supposedly going on.
Dialogue is very, very poor, and bordering on pisser quality.
Action details are laughable, almost like a cartoon.
I'm sorry, but I know where this is going to go, based on the logline alone and it ain't anywhere I want to be near. If you want to be taken seriously, you have to show that you care and the writing on display sure doesn't show much of anything.
Sorry to be harsh, but as others have said, it appears you didn't even try here.
This story was seemingly stitched together during a cigarette break. It tries for suspense early on, resorts to an upchuck load of comic grue and choppiness, and — SPOILERS —bails out with an, “I just pulled out the nutcase card.” Really? You could just rename this “Nightmare on Kookoo Bird Street.”
This little payback tale is about a warlock getting booted from a coven by a witch. Okay, but where is the Black Magic showdown? Why are they armed with all kinds of garden-variety weapons — knife, hammer, wrench, power tools? What is Bree’s role in all this, and why is she initially “hiding”? My guess is that she’s in this story for exposition purposes.
If this is a power struggle between witches, I’d like to see both combatants duke it out with ‘black magic,’ then strip each other of their witchcraft — before resorting whole-hog to Chainsaw Massacre artillery.
I don't think you're as bad a writer as this piece suggests. There just isn't much story here and it's looks rushed and ill-conceived. I do like the crawling hands angle, a little bit, cause I haven’t seen that since the ‘60s. Sorry to say, "Withered" is a one-trick, tired donkey.
This was a fun story that had me giggling at times. The writing is rough, some capitization, spacing, and mixed up words. I'm sure going over this a few times would clear it all up.
Things I liked was the two going shirtless with safety googles. It's a very cool visual, but I thought there would be more of witchcraft type solution that full out Evil Dead. The whole hand and saw thing aside, I though it did come off humorously animated like Army of Darkness or others like it. Cool visual with his tattooed hands on the steering wheel.
The ending felt tacked on, not that it couldn't have been better. I didn't feel the connection from the start.
As Jeff pointed out, the subject is left out of the equation at times. I've seen this style used a lot and I'm not opposed to it personally, I just know that using a subject instead of implying one gives the sentence strength. But you included these in the context of the shot, so it still has clarity and that's most important IMO.
I like the title and I've seen this logline before - be interesting to see how this one plays out.
Where is Jacob? In the van or on the sidewalk? I'm guessing in the van because you mention it but the opening sentence doesn't read well at all.
Now I know the scene is definitely taking place in the van but we haven't changed slugs at all.
Lots of problems in the writing - I'm surprised because I think I know who wrote this and it just reads so clumsy. I'd have to guess that this was submitted on the deadline and there was literally no time to revise because a lot of the issues I'm seeing that would surely have been spotted and cleaned up. Some of the typo's are really bad and should have been caught before posting: "The swa comes alive."
Okay, the horror part was kinda cool - had hints of "The Thing" going on when the hand transforms into two parts creating a completely new creature. Other than that and I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but this was just a jumbled mess. A lot of the time, I wasn't even sure was supposed to be happening as the writing was so poor... it just was. The characters and dialogue is laughable, on the nose and just doesn't make any sense. Although I liked that they went topless, this is always appreciated, but why did they go topless? That's what sums this up I'm afraid - it's a series of events that have no purpose or explanation.
Some good gore and nudity but this one missed the mark for me.
As has already been mentioned, the opening paragraphs were too murky. Hard to tell where Jacob was. Not sure how you block a sledgehammer with a gift bag. And what is he the doorway to? Wait a minute, there's another story called "Doorway to Hell." Got it.
Despite the spare storytelling, it seems this is a warlock bent on revenge for some completely unknown reason. But if he's a warlock he shouldn't have to resort to sledgehammer bludgeoning like some mafia goon. If he has the "power" he should use it then and there. Things pick up when they knock him out. But, uh, what exactly are they doing with a pillory in the garage? Those are pilgrim-style stocks, right? Not exactly something you pick up at K-Mart. However, it seems the very next scene has two topless women with power tools, so this story has managed to rope me back in.
I actually liked the hands running free. Granted it probably has more comic feel to it than horror, but it's still a cool visual. Disappointed there were no b!tch slaps delivered though. The ending was lacking. The writer had plenty of space to wrap it up, but opted for an easy way out. Ah, well.
Not a bad idea for a story, but I would have preferred a battle of witch vs. warlock powers rather than buzzsaw vs. sledgehammer. And writing in that ultra-fragmented sentence stacking style is always a risk. It really takes a good deal of skill to pull off otherwise it feels like you're riding a go-kart running on gas fumes. Slowly. Sputtering. Out.
No comments read before. Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.
The Withered
Hello.
Ok. I Liked the idea of stalker warlock against witches. Why does Jacob, who has obviously got special powers, comes there with a sledge hammer? You are not clear about that. A pillory also is no real hurdle. Good characters, I connected to the girls. Still a lot of cliché.
Don't let them justify their selves with things like: The cops cannot help us...
All action, no story. Short, choppy sentences that give no real voice to the author. No clue what these people are about or why I should care. Sorry, this one did nothing for me.
“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
I loved the way this ended... I mean it felt rushed but I like the fact that she was in an institution.
The things I did not really like was the weapons and the hands chasing them around. That seemed cheezy to me. I also never found out why Jacob was trying to kill them. A bit confusing and the story needs work but a pretty good concept for this thing.
I'm sorry, this one just didn't work for me at all. It was too hard to follow at times and just down right confusing. More practice with the way your descriptions come across would do this wonders.
I'm sorry that I don't have anything more positive to say, but keep working at it
The premise is decent enough and some of the gore was fun. The writing and dialogue were pretty weak though. And at the end of the day, there's not much to go on except for some bloody shenanigans. I mean, the severed hands mixed it up a bit but dismembered body parts don't make up for a lack of more important stuff (story, characters, etc.).
The ending is abrupt to say the least and the rest of the script has a frantic feel to it. I expect this was a rushed affair.
Points on being short though. Plowing through 48 scripts of varied quality had me wiped out more than once. It was a breath of fresh to end with a 7-pager. This was also horror, without question. Feel like a lot of scripts skimped in that department.
A nice atmospheric opening. I liked the bulbs going out. I could almost hear the horror music in my head. Good sense of humour. I liked the bit about the powder. Listing ingredients. Haha. Some interesting images. I'm thinking of the naked witches with goggles. Eerie. Confusing. Sexy.
I loved some of your descriptions. One standout: "the saw comes alive. She feeds it." I love it. Naked girl covered in blood. A horror cliche I'm okay with. This is where it got all EVIL DEAD 2. I do like me some splatstick. You were creative with the gore too. The hand metamorphosis reminded me of the practical effect geniuses of THE THING (Rob Bottin?). It kept this fun.
I loved it so much til the end. I haven't read the reviews yet so I hope I'm not repeating or diggin it in too much. I just didn't like the cops showing up and taking her away to... someplace (PSYCHO anyone?). I thought they WOULD show up because you set it up earlier. Since Carla wasn't too worried about them. I think she even thought they'd be useless in this type of situation. Well I did anyway.
Couple of ideas. Maybe the cops could see the dead bodies. She'd realize they'd take her/not believe her. So she kills them or charms them or potions seem to work a lot. Jokes. But maybe her friend is blinded and not dead. Or just one eye gone. They could argue and fight cops. I guess I want to see her forced to use her powers to save her friend and their secret. My 2 cents. Hope that's cool.
Enjoyed it so much until the end. Funny. Gory. Reminds me of my favourite horrors.
48. The Withered by Thirty-Six - Horror - A woman severs the hands of her stalker. Locked up, he boasts he will finish the job. But how? Brief - Two witches vs one warlock + Sam Raimi
Location(s) - Suburban street, driveway, van interior, house exterior and interior, garage, sanitorium interior Cast - Protagonist(s) - SARA, 20s, ?? BREE, 20s, ?? Antagonist(s) - JACOB, 20s, covered in shadow Genre & Marketability - Action Horror. This is not written for the market I'm looking to serve. Comments - Don't underlilne your title on the title page. FYI, shooting at night's a PITA. Character intro format is name in all caps, approx age, brief three or four word description. As producer I'm deducting the expense of that replacement door from your pay as writer. And wall repair. LOL! "Buzz Saw"? Do a google image search for that. How about circular saw?! "Presses a button, the rips the cord."Dafuq? Chainsaw? I'm glad we're making this bloody mess in the garage. FYI, electric power corded saws, of any kind, require no cord ripping. (Ur a girl, aren't you?). By pg6 this is is looking like Judeo-Christian demonized witchcraft. SFX costs alone are killing this more than anything. But it does have that nice Sam Raimi 'Army of Darkness' look to it. Script format - fair. Final word - Nice, but not what I'm looking to produce this time.
$2,000 - 4,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 6.6 Screenplay Pages = $303 - 606 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope Horror - Yes!
I like the story, but the writing and dialogue could use some work.
The action lines aren't clear some of the time. The beginning, for example -- I couldn't tell, at first, if Jacob was in the van or standing somewhere else.
Some of the dialogue's a little on the nose. At some parts I wondered if this was even meant to be taken seriously.
Maybe you were rushed. I don't know. Anyway, this was not bad, but it could use a rewrite.
Good job finishing the OWC.
Will
I'll take the first comment by Will for one reasonly. He's pretty much spot on and addressed some of the issues with the work. Several folks have pointed out ine action in the van. Are we looking in the van or out of it? I didn't think it was that confusing, but when I looked at it again while I was starting the rewrite, I could see where some confusion in regards to this could happen. For the record, Jacob was in the van until he got out with his (enchanted) knife and sledgehammer.
"Rushed"? Nothing really was except for two things: ending of the script 'The Smithsgrove Santitarium' (a nod to 'Halloween' of course) and the fact that I was barely making six pages. There was extra pointless dialog ("you kicked me out of the coven" line; some profanitry) to get to seven. I struggled with these two areas. I simply rolled with it, even though it was careless on my part. I actually didn't think I'd finish - and technically, I didn't. Back to that 'kicked from the coven' line. If I had more time that wouldn't be Jacob's reason for going after her. That bit will be addressed in the rewrite.
I almost didn't bother to enter - as I only had four days to write it, as opposed to a week. While I found out about the OWC on Sunday, I wasn't released from the hospital until Monday night, and I was knocked out for most of Tuesday. On top of all that...the OWC was about witches and warlocks. As I said before, I was was getting a bit burned out by the subject matter.
But I had thought up a logline for The Writers Challenge, and if I made the killer a Warlock/modern day evil sorcerer, it could work. A few eagle eyes spotted the loosely reworked logline.
This 'story' is not bad. Definitely schlocky horror - and entertaining at that.
The writing does need quite a bit of fixing though...but I expect you might know that given it has a rushed feel to it and lots of little errors/typos etc.
Sometimes when I write action, I don't rush it. I simply put into a pace. If I don't then I tend to get 'prosy', I was of two minds in my four days that I wrote this (see previous comment) only some dialog and the final scene was put in at the last minute to at least give a seven page count. My first thought was was to have Jacob do some sort of astral projection, but I would need more time on that - maybe another week, so I went with something I haven't really tried yet on a OWC.
You are 100& spot on. I went over the top,bloodbath with exploitation up to the neck. The problem was one half of the work does not match the other in that tone. That's my fault.
Glad you liked it though. Sad to say it isn't my best...and this version will go the way of the dodo. It'll still be a hort script, but it will involve my original gut feeling regarding Jacob Tophet (hey, I cut the dude out of one script...I'm putting him in this rewrite). So in the near future I'll make this a whole lot better.
It'll also no longer be called The Withered. I'm thinking of other titles.
Ther is however, one comment that troubles me. There's only one typo in tis old draft you see before you.
Why did Sara end up in a sanitarium? Did she imagine the whole thing?
Lots and lots of typo's and grammar issues. The writing is a little too choppy. Some details are lost which makes some of the action confusing.
The crazy house was a last minute addition. It was one of the few actually rushed things. Looking at it, while the event did drive her bonkers (and a possible story in between) I totally understand why it wasn't as effective. Some interpetation was that the event was a bit of BS and will be MIA in the rewrite. Some of that dialog too.
You'll note I highlighted something you wrote. There was only one typo in the script and one pointed it out in the comments.. But sometimes a rule of thumb for some is if there's one there's bound to be another. If I'm going to get a bit defensive about this draft - it will be in this area. I'm not going to defend it entirely. There are some valid points and I've done much better. I'm also rewriting this and shape it up because there was some confusion overall.
Yeah. Blood clot in the left leg and a bactirial infection. I was in the hospital for two weeks. Watched a lot of Law & Order and NCIS marathons during the night while being poked and doped.
I try to put time into my reviews, but I don't think the writer put much time into this story. It feels thrown together five minutes before the deadline. I mean I don't think the writer even tried, which kind of aggravates me, because I am taking time off from regular writing to try to read through all these.
The ending was obviously tacked on at 2 minutes to deadline.
I did try. Didn't quite get there. And you are right to some degree. The ending, which I now disown, was pretty much tacked on along with a few lines of dialog nonsense to fill up a page. The rest of it wasn't that rushed. The pace when the hands break loose was meant to read frantic, however. It also went over the top and it gets some love, but not all.
First off, the writing style is a little hard to get through for me and leads to some awkward phrases. Such as on page 4, “Frees her bra.” Does this mean she’s topless now? And now that I’m picturing them naked with safety goggles on, I’m assuming any dark humor is intentional.
Ok, so the concept here is pretty good. I went into this kind of knowing what to expect and it delivered story-wise. I could sense the humor and the energy you wanted from this.
The writing style, however is not my favorite. It left me struggling to visualize a lot of what was going on. Elements of the scene would tend to come out of nowhere, rather than being set-up and then payed off. It also would have been good to have a little more back story on who these people are and how they find themselves here.
Over all a good effort though. Congrats!
Yeah. I've done better. And looking at it while I started rewriting, the script is like an apple and an orange, so to speak. Some dialog was added to get with the over the top tone of the orange part. But it's clear (even from my retrospect) that it still didn't mix. It wasn't my original intention, it just went that direction overall.
Some liked it, others didn't. Fair enough. But in the end if it's something I wouldn't want to film, why should anyone rlse want to? I do need to dial it down a notch.
You lost me when the hands came to life. Stuff like that's been done before, and I never cared for it much then.
However, I still think this can be something special if you toy around with it some more. Just my opinion, of course.
Stuff like the hands...yeah severed hands crawling around,..I don't know if that's a valid point. Sure, there's stuff like that in other films, but does that make it invalid? Not entirely. It's your subjective least favorite horror gag, that's all. I will admit it wasn't by first thought to go there, but I wound up doing so.
That said, I am working/reworking this and making it better. Will the hand job still be in there? Maybe a little, but I most likely wiill reel it in a bit, as some of it did go over, above and beyond the call of duty.
Lots of typos, lots of choppy description but also lots of well-written action. I really enjoyed it overall. The first scene does seem like it should be INT./EXT. Jacob's van instead of just EXT. and some of the dialogue was rough but the action more than made up for it. The ending worked as well. Good job.
I keep looking back and with the exception of the one typo (swa/saw) I am simply not seeing it. Usually I'm near paranoid about these sorts of things. You are on to something about the first scene. But some don't care for an INT/EXT scene in cars for some reason. Not in this thread, mind you but other hubs I sometimes frequent. Just the same, that would have lessened some early confusion. I went about it another way as I started to rewrite, but that works just the same.
Poor writing aside, I think you have a good sense of visual storytelling. You need to improve the writing to be able to take advantage of that, but that's the easy part. Keep learning and practicing.
A decent beginning, and then it becomes Evil Dead Hands. No story, just action. The action is pretty good, in an '80s B-movie campy way, which I don't mind. But without any story it's meaningless. The ending doesn't work, it just hints at the story that's missing without telling us anything.
I've done better. And in some areas on this draft I should know better. And in the past few days I wound up hating that ending too. It was a last minute thought, meant to be ironic. It had the opposite effect.
Hey Darren. I hand write notes as I review. I don't like to nitpick so I don't usually point everything out (I find that obnoxious). This is what I jotted down, not sure where I stopped:
Jacob watches her take a gift bag. -- ??
His flexes his hands -- he??
Illuminati -ish -- extra space
VAN - NIGHT -- extra space
slips on an emerald
Stuffs it on the inside pocket -- in??
Porch light Bulb
where a assortment -- an
the rips the cord. -- then??
The swa comes alive -- saw
I give you a minute -- I'll??
** Hope this helps. Best of luck with the rewrite and I hope you're feeling better!!
There is however, one comment that troubles me. There's only one typo in tis old draft you see before you.
Darren, I hate when people blithely say they see typos in something - (happens especially with OWC's) as a sort of rounding off to their critique. Thing is, there are a couple more than perhaps you've noticed. Being that I don't want to come off as a pedantic prick I'll PM you if you want them. A couple are the same as Marnie's btw.
Like I said before though, main thing is I enjoyed this - it reminded me of old fashioned horror with plenty of blood and gore and limbs flying about.
Hey Darren. I hand write notes as I review. I don't like to nitpick so I don't usually point everything out (I find that obnoxious). This is what I jotted down, not sure where I stopped:
Jacob watches her take a gift bag. -- ??
His flexes his hands -- he??
Illuminati -ish -- extra space
VAN - NIGHT -- extra space
slips on an emerald
Stuffs it on the inside pocket -- in??
Porch light Bulb
where a assortment -- an
the rips the cord. -- then??
The swa comes alive -- saw
I give you a minute -- I'll??
** Hope this helps. Best of luck with the rewrite and I hope you're feeling better!!
Yes it does, but---it does not really matter concerning an extra space in a slug head and "Illuminati-ish" wasn't really a word, so I attempted to describe it visually while being generic. I don't worry about a word or two that is capitalized capped first letter in a OWC.. The 'I give you a minute' was in dialog and intentional. That's the way the chatacter spoke at the time.
I'll admit I wasn't on my game due to recent events. As it is, I am rewriting the script and leaning towards my first ideas about it. Thanks for your help.
My rewrite of Withered is also a bit of re-working. Excellent! I look forward to seeing what variant direction you take with this.
There will be at least two new locations* added and two characters. Groaaaan. Make 'em worthwhile, that's all I can say.
One of them being a shrink, the other an occult bookstore cashier (could be non-speaking, the director wants his Hitchcock moment .) Speaking. Non-speaking. Doesn't matter much, usually. Producer's still gotta pick someone from their local actor pool in a casting call (time+$$), then schedule them to show up at the same time as the crew to shoot and record them (time+$$), pay them (time+$$), then edit for video, post VFX, sound, soundFX FOR THAT SHOT (time+$$.) Inescapably, even if the final film runs at the same time limit, more characters+shots = more $$. In fact, post will likely cost more than what can be done "in camera".
And using the crew for bit cast parts is old hat.
The page count will increase - possibly between 10-15 pages. Groaaaan. Make 'em worthwhile, that's all I can say. Remember the producer's mantra to writers: Your capacity to think up sh!t exceeds my capability to pay for it.
however while there will be some horror-gore, it will be toned down a slight bit. I would go the opposite direction. This horror short isn't going to be shown on Liftime Channel, right? Go crazy.
Consider that a prodco likes the bit with the crawling hands but the budget only goes so far and there needs to be slightly more character establishment. Depends upon the prodco. What my miniscule budget is and what Dustin's or Pia's or someone else's budget and resources (talent pool/crew/equipment/locations/costumes/props/budget/practical vs. SFX/etc.) are all going to vary.
You may recal from my faux producer's notes:
Quoted Text
SFX costs alone are killing this more than anything.
So, one would assume that an interested prodco has the proper capabilities to finance and execute the extensive crawling hands effects. Ether someone's going to do that for dirt cheap nothing (like Gareth Edwards charged for his own 'Monsters') or bill it out to someone not quite as pricey as The Brothers Strause.
Conservatively, figure about $50/second of final edit for SFX.
So a little of it might remain, but it will be scaled back, less is more/ not as over the top. Hmm... okay. I'd still go with over the top. Just my gut. This isn't Shakespeare the last I looked at it.
BTW, as much as I like hot girls, nudity costs a little extra, even if the actress is going to be caked with (fake) blood. Some actresses may be brave, others not so much. So--nothing more suggestive than your average shampoo commercial if you can help it (try to avoid T&A) Meh, you'd be surprised. Finding a an actress that'll do horror nude + act is kinda hard. But finding someone to go topless really isn't difficult. It's the combination of the two, acting ability + willing to go topless, that's just difficult to find.
(Ask 'em if you can cover them in REAL blood! LOL!)
(*one location is the antagonist's room, but since not all of the int. of the house was filmed - with some creative dressing the location could still be in the same house location, and/or moved furniture and clever camerawork)
In your assessment of the draft seen here, you counted the garage and an asylum as a seperate locations. But what if we had a house that had a garage? And, since in the script, you only see one view of the asylum, could that "location" also be filmed in the house we find? And, if you dropped the protag from being in there, but had the antag instead being interviewed, that's a one room location. With tight camerawork, that location might be easier to find as well. Nice try, Kimosabe. Time. Time. Time. Time = money.
Yes, SOMEONE can find the location. Yes, SOMEONE(S) can redress the location. Yes, that also means SOMEONE's gotta re-redress the location back to a garage! Yes, that's gonna cost SOMEONE(s) time. X2, redress & re-redress! Yes, time = $$$.
Again, producer to writer: Your ability to think up sh!t exceeds my ability to pay for it.
I noticed this a lot Ray - where your breakdowns are nice, but you never (or rarely) factor in locations in the script that *could* double for other locations. Yes, it could be a little time consuming, moving stuff around - but if one part of an interior location is filmed and the other half isn't, couldn't clever folks use the other half for 'other locations'? There's not much cheating the clock. Granted, a producer isn't going to have to coordinate moving cast and crew to a new physical location. However, changing the garage to an asylum is going to take time + resources. And then you gotta return it back to a garage, again, = time + resources part deux!
So, whether the producer coordinates cast and crew to rendezvous at Bob's garage two days later on the 13th for the asylum shot or tomorrow the 12th at the abandoned pizza bakery for the asylum shot really doesn't matter a whole lot.
Getting everyone to one place at one time is difficult enough. Getting everyone to two or three or more places at one time becomes exponentially, not geometrically, more difficult. For both cast and crew these are almost never regular jobs.
It all depends upon whose dime you're spending. Yes, many of those shorts in the above links are expensive to shoot. But often they're competing for mondo prizes, as well.
Do some youtube homework for "48hr film festivals." Watch a bunch of them. >50.
Guesstimate a budget for each of them; assume the cast cost $50ea., cameraman is the director/editor/producer and works for free, audio recordist costs $100, props and costumes costs retail, craft services costs $50, indirect costs of computer/NLE/lighting/consumables has a depreciating value of $100.
See what patterns you notice. And these are some pretty desperately creative teams.
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The Withered - OWC
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still be in there? Maybe a little, but I most likely wiill reel it in a bit, as some of it did go over, above and beyond the call of duty.
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