Opening dialogue I like already. It's the type of thing I find funny. The frogs bit.

I personally thought this was great. It flowed nicely as I didn't stop to make any comments during the reading process. Some spelling mistakes but nothing too detrimental.

The dialogue was fairly good, but started to decline near the end. I really liked this idea, and the ending was pretty surprising. A little childish, but it doesn't matter.

I thought there was some horror here, only it would be horror to appeal to a much younger audience.

I liked this a lot, one of my favourites so far.

Nice choice of setting...especially during fall!

Even though there is a lot of dialogue through this...I enjoyed the banter back and forth between the guys and usually I do not. So you did a good job. The dialogue feels natural for your characters to me.

I love it that Toby is smashed. Put one drunk dude in on a heist and there are bound to be problems.

I like the mystery when they talk about what's in the steel boxes. I think maybe you could've moved the story forward a bit faster IMO.

Liked this...the whole frog thing from the beginning and then they end up frogs in the classroom SWEET irony. LOVE IT. Great job.

I do think there’s a decent idea in this.  Turning the failed robbers into frogs for a school science experiment adds a nasty little twist -- certainly something to work with.  

It fell short in a couple of places for me.  Firstly was the time spent on unnecessary dialogue between the trio at the start and then during the exposition delivered in the house.  The latter felt forced and detracted from any tension you built into the moment.

I’d think about cutting back a lot of the dialogue between the trio and spend more time working in the backstory and Carla’s revenge angle.  We can assume the plan has already been discussed: balaclavas, no names, and who does what once inside etc.  

You could also consider bringing Carla and Max into this more to help the set-up and connection to the robbers.  

A good idea, but a flawed execution meant this wasn’t quite there for me.

Another one that I liked. The more I'm reading, the more I'm liking. I liked the twist with their past. I could tell as soon as Max got to school what was going on and about to happen, but I liked it. The ending worked well.

Good job.

Dialog and writing overall shows promise. Nice use of irony turning the guys into frogs. One of the better entries.

An uneven effort for me. I liked the historical elements. I guess my issue is the revenge. This easily allows you to refer to the past for motives. But I think there could be some reason the witch couldn't get revenge earlier. Maybe a spell or demon keeps her on the property or something.

Lots of dialogue in the early pages before the robbers enter the house. I understand that you need to explain things. I would say show over tell. But it's not like I hate the dialogue. Maybe keep it as narration of flashbacks. I think it'd be way better to see the past they talk about. They could even look the same. We could meet the witch before they do. You could set-up an innocence angle. Maybe she' s not a witch. Then we see Carla we don't know if she's the descendant or original. It would deliver some more intrigue.  

My long winded 2 cents. Haha. I just liked the ideas and think these additions would help show vs tell. I'm also trying to be  as constructive. Give you something to go on with, if you chose. I also wondered if Carla lured them there with a spell? If so maybe in narration cutaway show her researching the boys and their family lineage.

The end had a nice TWILIGHT ZONE vibe. Good historical references.  But it could deliver more horror.

I thought the opening scene went on too long. The banter’s okay, but you can just tell us why they’re here and get them moving along. There’s plenty of time to let their personalities play out along the way.

I’m not sure a robbery was the right way to kick off this tale. If Carla wanted revenge why doesn’t she go to them? Right now it plays out like a weird coincidence (Or did she draw them in? Did I miss something?).

I dug the frog ending, but thought the set-up could use a little more punch then just mentioning that one of them hates frogs. Like what if one of them stepped on a frog (“Eww, frog guts”).

Anyway I found this enjoyable. Good effort for a week’s time.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

34. History Lesson by Twenty-Six - Horror - Three desperate men pick the wrong house to break into...
Brief - Three robbers fail to rob a classic witch

Location(s)  - Forest road & forest, old house exterior & interior
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
JESSE, 35, no descrip, leader
RICH, 35, no descrip, smart aleck
TOBY, 24, no descrip, drunk
Antagonist(s)  -
CARLA, 30, presumably the witch
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror. Writing's too OTN to be marketable.
Comments  -  Title needs to be in all caps on the title page. FYI, shooting outdoors at night's a PITA. FYI, if you're going to "SUPER - NEAR ANDOVER MASSACHUSETTS" then you might as well learn we call them flashlights over here and not torches; just for consistency's sake. Dialog's fairly OTN. I've just completed six pages of a ten page screenplay, well past the halfway mark, and this is just boring. The scenario has potential, so I'm just reading from here to see where you take it (hoping you don't futz it up, but am afraid you will). OMFG:
CARLA
My family has been seeking
revenge for over four hundred
years. Now that time is here.
JESSE
Rich? You have any idea what she
means?
RICH
Maybe. But it's crazy as hell.
(beat)
One of my ancestors was involved
in the Salem witch trials in the
sixteen hundreds. Chief
prosecutor or something.
That's some rancid writing.
Out on pg9. Good use of pretty much a single location. Consider a rewrite with just two robbers and the witch, (fewer actors to pay!) Ciao.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Nice, but missable.

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope. Classic witch
Horror - Yes, but back-ended + light