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A story about a priest raping boys? How original. Format was good, but story wise, unoriginal and tiresome... everyone attacking the priests. lol, they aren't the only rapists and pedos in this world. I agree with everyone else though, good title.
I think we catch on to what's happening by page 2 with the children discussing tale the big kids tell and the infirmary. Evil little tale. There's really no point to the priest using the dice as a selection method IMO and really no point to showing this at all, really. Priests rape children, on film. Too much subject matter for a 3 page script.
Very good writing, good story, good flow. The characters were well drawn, and I could see them clearly and hear them speaking. The Priests' use of the dice was clever when they were first shown - made me feel that he definitely had a sinister purpose. I'm sure there's a nit or two somewhere, but overall I liked this script a lot. One of my favs, for sure, but... The abusive priest thing is getting kind of old. Been there done that. That being said, great work!
The whole build-up is a bit slow and complicated executed. Of course it works in favor of the late "revelation", I get it, rhythm-wise it's a generally good choice. Nevertheless, the build-up could work more distinctive, specific, entertaining, perhaps even work with a far more distracting route with entertainment same time, to even strengthen the heavy twist some more, you know?
Still, well done. Imo we can't throw enough poo in the same direction the script does. Kudos.
Nice written overall. I saw two versions of this story ó the awful rapes, and the young boys sharing secrets and innuendos. Both carry different tones. I like the latter version. My thought here is to flip the tables. As others have mentioned, a twist would make this a fresher tale.
You have a priest who believes more in a pair of dice, than in paradise. Predictable. He runs a tight ship and is pretty much a stock character, for what he represents. What if Father Michael is the victim? Maybe one of the boys has power over him. Or maybe Alex and Simon have a plan. Would be cool if these kids somehow ordered something online that would neutralize the Beast. This would generate tension and create mystery. Don't let Father Michael get away with this. Don't let another boy suffer from his sexual abuse. Give the abusers the power. I liked this script for it's potential.
Iím quite happy with the overall reception of this one, so thanks for the generally favourable comments.
So, just to try answer some questions and clear things up. Hopefully you assumed that Reggie was the kid in the first scene, it was meant as misdirection. Alex gets quite angry and dismissive when the topic of Reggie missing gets brought up. We see later that it is actually Alex in room 6.
Father Michael states that itís the third night in a row. So he has rolled 6, 6, 6 (the number of the beast). He is using this method to choose which boy he visits thinking that god is talking to him through the dice. So yes, there is very much a point to the priest using the dice. Itís the entire premise of the story.
Funny how you assumed (correctly so), but still assumed that he was molesting the boys. Not once in this script is there a rape scene or even the mention of abuse. Father Michael doesnít do or say anything sexual either. That, whether you enjoyed the script or not, is good subtext in my biased opinion. You all went where I wanted you to go and I didnít say or show you anything of that nature. For all you know Father Michael could be torturing these boys by singing show tunes for hours on end, hmmÖ maybe that would have been a good twist.
Yes some of you have mentioned that this is a well-worn topic but it is actually topical in Australia at this very moment, our very own Cardinal Pell is currently in and out of the news on historic sex crime charges. This was, is, and will forever be an issue in the Catholic Church. The recent series, The Young Pope, with Jude Law address the same subject matter. Not that Iím comparing my script to a BBC/HBO production, just saying that this is still a relevant topic, like it or not.
I also know priests arenít the only people that molest, but I was given a church so I used it. There were still less priests molesting children than there were old folks hanging themselves. No the church is not ďinĒ the boarding school in the sense you are thinking but it is on the same property. My brother and sister went to a Catholic boarding school. They had separate classrooms, accommodation, cafeteria, and right there on the acreage, their very own church. Itís a thing. I imagine there would be many fancy private Catholic boarding schools in the States that would have a similar setup.
The working title was The Numbers Game, so bad. Iím happy I went with the one I chose as a few of you seemed to like it.
Glad it made one of you want to kick a priest in the nuts, please do.
I got Jeffís second highest score so Iím taking that to the bank.
A slightly edited version (by me not the producer) of this this has gone into pre-production with filming set for around October. Most of you will be happy to hear that it doesnít end well for the priest, but itís still not a happy Hollywood ending, I donít do those. Will put the new version up on SS.
Thanks for reading and commenting. It was a very enjoyable challenge and I think there should definitely be more in this format.
Warren - gave this a read. Very solid effort. Three nit issues:
FATHER MICHAEL Your will be done.
Just stuck me it should be Thy will be done." Maybe it's the old altar boy in me.
I was confused at first by the opening slug and took a sec to figure out you were on a Catholic compound, campus. It might be clearer to have an establishing shot of the campus first. Or just add it to the header. e.g.,
INT. CATHOLIC CAMPUS/BOARDING SCHOOL HALLWAY - NIGHT
INT. CATHOLIC CAMPUS/CHURCH - DAY
Maybe not important - but it did derail the read just for a second in order to get the bearings.
Closed doors line a bleak, lifeless hallway.
A real not - but I think you should indicate that all the doors are numbered.
Closed doors, each with a number on it, line a bleak, lifeless hallway.