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Hey there Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, TheUnburnt, Queen of the Andels, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queenof Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of theRealm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.
Nicely written and the twist I didn't see coming. How do you know how I circle my Baoding balls? That did read a bit awkwardly but apart from that, good job!
-Mark
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I didn't understand the ending here. Father rapes the boys or something. I don't know, this is obviously over my head as I read it twice. And I read the comments here - people seem to get it. Maybe it's just not something for me and that's the reason I don't get it.
I liked it. Well written and definitely not a one location talking head thing. A real story! Good job on that.
My only complaint would be that I'm personally sort of tired of religious leaders being sexually abusive. Which I think is what you meant here. I know it happens, but not sure it is as common as the films about them. Maybe change it up a bit. Maybe he flogs them instead or some other kind of punishment.
Good read, even if I didn't enjoy the story. I mean, it had a sexually abusive vibe to it from the start, and I don't know...seems like an easy way out. Yes, it's gut-wrenching, not because of your story, but because sexual abuse is so awful.
I would of liked to see it not end with the priest cornering a child, but something a little more original. Good writing, good story until the end. Kudos! I'd like to see a rewritten version for sure.
First read of the challenge! Now let's see where it goes....
Well written and meets the challenge, for sure. It didn't surprise me where it ended up. Maybe this is the first time it would be lucky to have room number 13! LOL
Nice. Tying chance and faith together when never the twain should meet. Aside from that, I don't feel much for this. It doesn't say anything other than priest's rape little boys. I like that there isn't a tacked on happy ending though.
Yeah, you need either room 1 or 13 or higher in this short! I agree with some of the others -- it's well-written, but it plays on a well-worn theme: Priests are pedophiles. I understand the drama it creates, but it's been done before, so why not go with something different? What that is I don't know, but would just like to be surprised by the ending here. Otherwise, quite well written.
Good luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
It's well written, but there's not really any tension. The kids talk about what might be going on. Then next scene one kid asks the other if something is going on, he says no. Then Father Michaels goes to rape one of them. It's just not engaging enough.
Since everyone in the boarding school seems to have some idea of what might be happening, I think you missed an opportunity to have Father Michael do the dice roll in front of all the kids.
No idea what baoding balls are - and I'm not googling it - but this was a neat little script. I didn't realise where it was heading and then did. Written well and it s one of the best ones. Good use of the props making them a real part of the story and not just an add-on to meet the challenge
I didn't understand the ending here. Father rapes the boys or something. I don't know, this is obviously over my head as I read it twice. And I read the comments here - people seem to get it. Maybe it's just not something for me and that's the reason I don't get it.
I didn't get much either. But I gleaned what you gleaned:
A story about a priest raping boys? How original. Format was good, but story wise, unoriginal and tiresome... everyone attacking the priests. lol, they aren't the only rapists and pedos in this world. I agree with everyone else though, good title.
I think we catch on to what's happening by page 2 with the children discussing tale the big kids tell and the infirmary. Evil little tale. There's really no point to the priest using the dice as a selection method IMO and really no point to showing this at all, really. Priests rape children, on film. Too much subject matter for a 3 page script.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Very good writing, good story, good flow. The characters were well drawn, and I could see them clearly and hear them speaking. The Priests' use of the dice was clever when they were first shown - made me feel that he definitely had a sinister purpose. I'm sure there's a nit or two somewhere, but overall I liked this script a lot. One of my favs, for sure, but... The abusive priest thing is getting kind of old. Been there done that. That being said, great work!
This was well written. I like the way the title tied into this story.
One thing I would've liked is some more tension and possibly conflict. A twist may be nice as well.. This is a dark subject... I don't really like reading it but it was done well.
The whole build-up is a bit slow and complicated executed. Of course it works in favor of the late "revelation", I get it, rhythm-wise it's a generally good choice. Nevertheless, the build-up could work more distinctive, specific, entertaining, perhaps even work with a far more distracting route with entertainment same time, to even strengthen the heavy twist some more, you know?
Still, well done. Imo we can't throw enough poo in the same direction the script does. Kudos.
Nice written overall. I saw two versions of this story — the awful rapes, and the young boys sharing secrets and innuendos. Both carry different tones. I like the latter version. My thought here is to flip the tables. As others have mentioned, a twist would make this a fresher tale.
You have a priest who believes more in a pair of dice, than in paradise. Predictable. He runs a tight ship and is pretty much a stock character, for what he represents. What if Father Michael is the victim? Maybe one of the boys has power over him. Or maybe Alex and Simon have a plan. Would be cool if these kids somehow ordered something online that would neutralize the Beast. This would generate tension and create mystery. Don't let Father Michael get away with this. Don't let another boy suffer from his sexual abuse. Give the abusers the power. I liked this script for it's potential.
I’m quite happy with the overall reception of this one, so thanks for the generally favourable comments.
So, just to try answer some questions and clear things up. Hopefully you assumed that Reggie was the kid in the first scene, it was meant as misdirection. Alex gets quite angry and dismissive when the topic of Reggie missing gets brought up. We see later that it is actually Alex in room 6.
Father Michael states that it’s the third night in a row. So he has rolled 6, 6, 6 (the number of the beast). He is using this method to choose which boy he visits thinking that god is talking to him through the dice. So yes, there is very much a point to the priest using the dice. It’s the entire premise of the story.
Funny how you assumed (correctly so), but still assumed that he was molesting the boys. Not once in this script is there a rape scene or even the mention of abuse. Father Michael doesn’t do or say anything sexual either. That, whether you enjoyed the script or not, is good subtext in my biased opinion. You all went where I wanted you to go and I didn’t say or show you anything of that nature. For all you know Father Michael could be torturing these boys by singing show tunes for hours on end, hmm… maybe that would have been a good twist.
Yes some of you have mentioned that this is a well-worn topic but it is actually topical in Australia at this very moment, our very own Cardinal Pell is currently in and out of the news on historic sex crime charges. This was, is, and will forever be an issue in the Catholic Church. The recent series, The Young Pope, with Jude Law address the same subject matter. Not that I’m comparing my script to a BBC/HBO production, just saying that this is still a relevant topic, like it or not.
I also know priests aren’t the only people that molest, but I was given a church so I used it. There were still less priests molesting children than there were old folks hanging themselves. No the church is not “in” the boarding school in the sense you are thinking but it is on the same property. My brother and sister went to a Catholic boarding school. They had separate classrooms, accommodation, cafeteria, and right there on the acreage, their very own church. It’s a thing. I imagine there would be many fancy private Catholic boarding schools in the States that would have a similar setup.
The working title was The Numbers Game, so bad. I’m happy I went with the one I chose as a few of you seemed to like it.
Glad it made one of you want to kick a priest in the nuts, please do.
I got Jeff’s second highest score so I’m taking that to the bank.
A slightly edited version (by me not the producer) of this this has gone into pre-production with filming set for around October. Most of you will be happy to hear that it doesn’t end well for the priest, but it’s still not a happy Hollywood ending, I don’t do those. Will put the new version up on SS.
Thanks for reading and commenting. It was a very enjoyable challenge and I think there should definitely be more in this format.
Warren - gave this a read. Very solid effort. Three nit issues:
Quoted Text
FATHER MICHAEL Your will be done.
Just stuck me it should be Thy will be done." Maybe it's the old altar boy in me.
I was confused at first by the opening slug and took a sec to figure out you were on a Catholic compound, campus. It might be clearer to have an establishing shot of the campus first. Or just add it to the header. e.g.,
INT. CATHOLIC CAMPUS/BOARDING SCHOOL HALLWAY - NIGHT
INT. CATHOLIC CAMPUS/CHURCH - DAY
Maybe not important - but it did derail the read just for a second in order to get the bearings.
Quoted Text
Closed doors line a bleak, lifeless hallway.
A real not - but I think you should indicate that all the doors are numbered.
Closed doors, each with a number on it, line a bleak, lifeless hallway.
Thanks Steven, so good to see so much success all round on SS at the moment. So many people have things in the works. Hopefully Dave doesn't forget us little people when he hits the big time
My only issue is a nit one. After the boy closes the door, I would have liked to have heard the thump of the stab. a cry of agony from the father and the thump of his body hitting the ground. Easy enough to add. Just would have been clearer closure for me.
In the script, you have the boy raising the knife so we know it's coming. Thought the sounds (above) would have made that clearer.
Like I said - a nit - congrats. this was a solid effort.
Very cool. Congratulations to you and the film maker for bringing this to life. Was it filmed local to you? Were you able to visit or advise during filming? OWC pays off again!
Unfortunately I was on the other side of the world. I’m in Sydney, and this was filmed in Miami. I did however have really good communication with the filmmaker throughout the process.
Still waiting with bated breath to see Silence, eventually.
Me, too. Last I heard, the director flaked out during post. They prodco fired him, then they had to take the film back and continue post...blah blah blah.
Me, too. Last I heard, the director flaked out during post. They prodco fired him, then they had to take the film back and continue post...blah blah blah.
Just watched the film. It looks great, very professional. Dark subject matter effectively evoked through sound design and visuals. The filmmakers clearly know what they're doing.
Plus, they were relatively faithful to your script. You should be proud.
have just finished the script. Strange, but we both wrote a script about child molestation in the Catholic Church. My script is "The Demon in Me," and is a mixture of drama and horror elements. I tell from the point of view of a survivor that a demon (his father who protects him) first incites him to murder, and then, when the son realizes that this is the wrong way, kills the priest himself. Ironically, my priest is called Father Michael. Now for the script. I think it expresses the boy's fear and the priest's self-righteousness. May I ask why you chose this topic? It was my own experience with me (not with a Catholic priest, but with my Mormon father).
This script was part of a quickie challenge. The parameters I had were it had to be in a church and contain a pair of dice, so this is what I came up with. I have no actual link to the subject matter, and it isn't based on anything.
I personally liked the script more. That's not too say they did a bad job. I think it looks and sounds great. They also did a good job keeping it really close to the script.
I think maybe the film just didn't live up to how I pictured it in my head.
Congratulations
Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.