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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  This is Satan - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    This is Satan - QC  (currently 1690 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This is Satan by A Boggled Mind - Short, Horror - A Sunday School teacher introduces her classroom to the board game, Boggle...unaware that she just opened up a portal for Satan himself. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Grandma Bear  -  August 21st, 2017, 12:21pm
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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First read - man, these are gonna be so easy to get through!

Pretty good little self contained story. all good with the criteria. Neat little horror short! loved the use of the name Carrie - intentional lol?

Good work

Don, on the script thread list, this one is reading This Is Stan instead of This is Satan


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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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Interesting take. I wish there was more to flesh this out though. Realize that's not possible within the parameters but I wanted to understand why Satan was so into Boggle.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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I liked how the dice were worked into the story. Satan - was he introduced? Doesn't matter . It's a horror story done in three pages. Kudos. Thrashes not trashes.
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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

This is a way bigger short or even a feature but 3 pages is too little for this story.

I liked it but it really did feel too contained. If you had the time and page count to flesh out the story more I think it could be great.




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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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I feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone reading these comments.

For me this read like a pisser. Sorry if this was not the intention but it did. Now I read the comments and I'm not sure so I'll review it as if it is not a pisser.

The devil shows up a lot in these shorts, he must like 3-page scripts. Anyway, with only three pages you need to be lean so I'd avoid all the unnecessary clothing descriptions, some of which on the children are repeated.

As for the story itself, some kids play a game and summon Satan which kills them all. Years later, it looks like history is about to repeat itself. It really didn't do anything for me or make any sense but some really enjoy this so it just must be personal taste.

-Mark


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:28am Report to Moderator
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From the start, I didn't get why there is a classroom in a church. We don't have that here… or I misunderstand something.

A bit Jumanji style with the game having that strong dark attraction. I liked that last part.

An easy read, although it didn't convince me as a story because I missed a set-up or say theme that gives more reasoning to the action, what Satan wants and so on...



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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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Reminds me of the Jumanji ending.
It's not bad. It's just not a 3-page story.
I think this type of the story requires some kind of the start when you start caring about the characters and only then bam - the game is rigged.
This read fast though and I could appreciate that. Good actually. You could expand on it. We need more Jumanji! (I love Jumanji)
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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Maybe saying Boggle just doesn't strike up the "wrath of the devil" feel for me, but I still found myself enjoying this on a comedic level. It's horror by definition, but it feels like a Scary Movie skit.

Also, I'd just skip having the picture of Christ land on Carrie. Throw it against a wall or something, but it feels a little slapstick to knock someone over the head with a picture.

Boggle...Satan....maybe Bananagrams would of been an better game??
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Gary Howell
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Set in 1977. Hmmm.  "Carrie" the movie was big in late '76 and early '77.

Someone mentioned "thrashes" instead of "trashes". Also, probably should be "Children, come with me!"

My problem here is that With three pages you're limited on your ability to do a proper set up and conclusion.  We don't know why Satan is released through the game of Boggle, as opposed to, say, Candyland. It just happens. And after Satan is released, we don't show him being sent back to hell. Here, all the children perish (I think) and the the church is apparently rebuilt and the Boggle game is back on the shelves. Did it survive the fire?  Tough game.  The ending would have made More sense to me if Satan were somehow shown being sent back to hell. Then the visual at the end of the kid finding the game would have more of an effect.  Just my two cents. Good luck,

Gary


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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I chose this next because of the title 'This is Stan'. However, I now see that it's 'This is Satan'. Bit of a letdown, but I'm here now...

Code

Carrie's eyes grow big with fear.



Is she a shapeshifter? Carrie's pupils dilate as fear grips her.

Code

THIS IS SATAN JESUS CHRIST ABANDONED YOU ALL



The devil is a bit shitty with punctuation. There's a missing comma. As a teacher, she really should have picked him up on it.

Code

Carrie cries out in horror when she reads the ghastly
sentence.



I know the feeling.

Code

CARRIE
Children, come with! Hurry!

Carrie bolts toward the door, the children right behind her.
She grabs the handle and swings it open --



The children were just being thrown around etc, yet now all of them have the ability to move again?

Code

Carrie breaks down.



When did she get into a car?

Code

The unseen force RIPS the portrait off the wall and SMASHES
it against Carrie's head!



The exclamation mark is annoying.

The annoying Jesus portrait flies off the wall and smashes
over Carrie's head.

Code

Carrie falls helplessly to the floor.



Repetitive. One minute she's down, the next minute she's up. Up, down, up, down, up, down. Why can't she make her mind up?

Code

One of the children tries picking the portrait up --

But it CATCHES ON FIRE!



Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Code

The children scream and frantically run around as the fire
quickly spreads, engulfing the entire classroom in flames!



Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Code

SUPER: 40 YEARS LATER



WTF?

Code

A sand timer and cubic dice with letters on them.



Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This is a dated horror. The things that are meant to be scary do little more than offer a few laughs at the sheer absurdity.


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Tyler King
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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I liked this short script a lot! I love horror and with a 3 page limit, I thought it was well written and action packed so kudos to you! Also this didn't read like a pisser to me so I'm not sure what that previous comment was about? Anyways good job and good luck with this. I would love to see this expanded into a bigger story.
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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I kept waiting to find out where Stan fit in. Oh. Disappointment. It was supposed to be Satan.

It seems like it was rushed and written at the last minute. A few revisions could make this entertaining and worthy. This could easily be expanded to a feature, perhaps using different games through the centuries. The contemporary could be a demonic Pokemon Go app!

Good attempt; flesh it out and see where it goes!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn't quite work for me, sorry to say.

The 5 year old kids are tasked with spelling words under time pressure?

Why has no one played Boggle there in the last 40 years?

Children screaming, being dragged by their hair, fire... Too much to be squeezed into a 3 pager, IMO.

One suggestion though, would be to have someone, either a kid or Carrie to somehow summon the devil. By mistake or otherwise so there''s a reason for him to show up.

It read fine though, I just wasn't crazy about the story.


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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, didn't work for me. No sense of these characters, why this is happening, or even what is happening at times.

At one point, the children are being carelessly tossed against the walls. Then five seconds later the children are following right behind Carrie.

Maybe just a case of trying to do too much in too little space.  


That rug really tied the room together.
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Michael
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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This one kinda bored me. How do we know it is Satan and not just some old Demon who doesn't like that game? 3 pages are hard to do a story so well done on that front.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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This is good.

The message from Satan is too long.

Just make it:

This is Satan; not: This is Satan Jesus Christ Abandoned You All

because Satan's no fool and knows his limits.

What about

>Come with

Is this an accent or something? In my world it would be just

Come! or Quick!

What stuck out for me was the over attention to fashion. Hmmm

>She wears a long plain dress. Nothing fancy.

I don't think it's pertinent to the story. It just adds extra weight to the read.

All and all

A good story a brew.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
The devil is a bit shitty with punctuation. There's a missing comma. As a teacher, she really should have picked him up on it.


Couldn't help but respond to this and correct you.

You are wrong and the writer in this case is actually correct. Have you even played the board game Boggle? If you have, you would know that the dice contain only letters, and no punctuation on them. Therefore, when the writer wrote it as such --

The cubic dice spell out the sentence: "THIS IS SATAN JESUS CHRIST ABANDONED YOU ALL".

It is actually correct, as we are seeing that sentence as everyone else is on screen. Why put punctuation in the sentence if we don't see it?

Boom.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tyler King


Couldn't help but respond to this and correct you.

You are wrong and the writer in this case is actually correct. Have you even played the board game Boggle? If you have, you would know that the dice contain only letters, and no punctuation on them. Therefore, when the writer wrote it as such --

The cubic dice spell out the sentence: "THIS IS SATAN JESUS CHRIST ABANDONED YOU ALL".

It is actually correct, as we are seeing that sentence as everyone else is on screen. Why put punctuation in the sentence if we don't see it?

Boom.


If he had played the board game Boggle, he would be dead - did you not read the story?



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dustin
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tyler King


Couldn't help but respond to this and correct you.

You are wrong and the writer in this case is actually correct. Have you even played the board game Boggle? If you have, you would know that the dice contain only letters, and no punctuation on them. Therefore, when the writer wrote it as such --

The cubic dice spell out the sentence: "THIS IS SATAN JESUS CHRIST ABANDONED YOU ALL".

It is actually correct, as we are seeing that sentence as everyone else is on screen. Why put punctuation in the sentence if we don't see it?

Boom.


Well, I did actually think of that at the time but couldn't be bothered to give an alternative. The first alternative I came up with was that as everyone was being thrown around anyway, the devil could have simply stripped the pubic hair from the teacher's vagina and used that as a comma. However, after reading Sandra's suggestion, I think I'd go with that. As it stands, the sentence reads as though the devil is saying its full name is Satan Jesus Christ Abandoned You All.

Better to not have the words at all than a grammatically incorrect Satan, surely?


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ajr
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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Felt a little rushed as others have said. Satan waiting for the Boggle game to be brought out in order to be released? Weird. And after this unholy carnage, they put it back on the shelf?


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Tyler King
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw


If he had played the board game Boggle, he would be dead - did you not read the story?



Yeah unfortunately he didn't play it.
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Five-year-olds playing Boggle? No.
And it's downhill from there -- in mechanics, writing, and logic.
On the positive side, I liked the goofy, everything-happens quality.

Henry



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DanC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Mark and Dustin.

This has serious flaws all over.  5-year-olds playing Boggle??

So, the church gets this game, and it's cursed??  Really?

So, the kids are getting tossed around like yesterday's trash, but, yet, they can suddenly try to make a run for it?

I think this fails the criteria.  I went to a Catholic Grade School and the school is never part of the church.  So, this doesn't really take place in a church, at all.

So, everyone dies, but, how does the game survive?  If you tell me it's a curse, fine, but, how do the other games survive?  Or are they all cursed?

The way it was written was like it was a 70s cheesy horror flick, and while I love those, you have to modernize it so that it doesn't seem cheesy.  

I actually talked to a kid that thinks the first Halloween was FUNNY.  At least the Exorcist scared him.  But, FUNNY??  

So, there is potential here, but, the flaws really need to be fixed.

Dan


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Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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I like a good cursed game flick (I still have a horror-comedy somewhere called DEATH CROQUET), and if this doesn't deliver on the story, it at least delivers on children being harassed by Satan. Good fun, but no rhyme or reason to much here.

Idea for a plot: there's one smart-alecky kid who's better than all the others at everything and demands they play Boggle. Satan appears with some Boggle-related just desserts.


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StevenClark
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Not a bad concept, really, but not the most original either. It seemed pretty random that the game was a portal to hell. Why was it a portal? Some sort of explanation is necessary. Now, if you'd made the daycare teacher one of the surviving children from 1977, now you got something a little different. Just a thought.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Having "1977" in your Slug is an unfilmable - this needs to be a SUPER.

Does it matter what the children are wearing? Or what Carrie is wearing?  No...it does not.

Boggle for 5 year olds?  No...makes no sense.  Yes, churches back in the 70's definitely had classrooms, but these were for "Sunday School", and the lessons taught were all of religious nature, not spelling.

How many Boggle games are there?  Really?  And these are all brand new, just for this class?  Listen, in Sunday school, "classes" were not based on something like "all 5 year olds" - they were simply younger kids, mid level kids, and older kids.  This is all completely unrealistic.

"Just as an unseen force YANKS the children away by their hair one by one!" - Huh?  WTF?  And, what's with the irritating exclamation point?  Using exclamation points in a script, other than for a sound effect, works in reverse to how peeps think - they come off comedic.

Wow...wait a minute...these 5 year old kids are being thrown around against the walls?

Now, seconds later, all the kids are just peachy and follow Carrie to the door?  OK...riiiight!

This is reading like a pisser...most likely, an unintentional pisser.

"girl-next-door looks with fashionable clothes" - I'm sure this is going to play a big part in the script.

Oh boy...every 40 years Satan comes from the game Boggle.  Riiiight...

Well, it's not good at all.  The exclamation points make it comical, as does the plot.

Sorry, not for me.

1/2





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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Some good writing on display here as well... a lot of good scripts in this bunch.

I loved the ending of this. But I'd almost stop with him reaching for the old worn box.

I think my favorite part of this one was when the book fell off the shelf.

Feels like this could be part of a bigger piece.

Some questions... why Boggle? I guess the words thing was kind of cool. Kinda like Ouiji board or something.

I like this story. Great job for a three page horror flick.
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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THIS IS SATAN

Yes, very much a familair tale.  Crazy and mind-BOGGLING beyond belief, but not a bore fest.  This first part of the story is about "a new game" being introduced.  The ending is about a boy finding the game by way of a falling book. And 40 year in between.
I like the falling book idea leading to found games.

I'm thinking that the process could be repeated, but not 40 years apart. How about a school in a different country? As if it is happening concurrently across the world?
Or maybe the same kid shows up in both the opening disaster and the ending story. As if he's the catalyst for the mayhem?
Rework and make it a little smarter.  Try a few fresh tricks and see what happens.
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