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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Sunset View - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Sunset View - QC  (currently 1412 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sunset View by No Title Page! - Short, Drama - Two men living at a retirement home approach the end of their lives with completely opposite attitudes. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

No false advertising, there actually isn't a title page, not sure why not.

You start a lot of sentences with Martin. Try changing the perspective every once in a while, it will make for a better read.

SPOILER

Well, that took a turn for the worst, almost too much so. I liked the early banter, gave me a smile. The brutal ending felt a little out of place, but it's my kind of thing.

The writing is good other than what I mentioned.


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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:17am Report to Moderator
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Felt meh to me. I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe it's the ending. It just felt unsatisfying for some reason.  


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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(SPOILERS)

When I saw that one of the options was Retirement Home and Skipping Rope, my first thought was an old person hanging themselves. The suggestion is to never go for the first idea and in this case I think it is advisable as it really is the most obvious choice.

However, you execute this well. I really like Todd, I hope to be as energetic and pervy as him if I reach that age. The rest just fell flat for me because it was a predictable outcome.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:04am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I knew an old guy once that did this. He was around 80 and it was the day before he was getting out of jail. We used to call him 'I'... because that was his answer to almost every question, but it was long and drawn out, like a farmer. Amazing entertainment to a bunch of reprobates. He was in for hitting his next door neighbour over the head with a hammer... and he knew that when he got out it was going to be in a hostel or some such because he had lost his house. So he hung himself. Crazy thing is we had gotten his cell mate out of there because he was bullying him, so the guy was on his own. If the bully was still in there he wouldn't have had the opportunity to do it.

Anyway, this puts me in mind of that memory and the thoughts I'd collected thereafter. I think suicide amongst the old is more prevalent than we might believe and they just do it because they've had enough, don't feel they have anything left to live for. Everything they'd ever collected throughout their life gone... what's left?

Sad.


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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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The characters are well drawn. I could visualize both Todd and Martin. And I'm thinking I know who wrote this.

But I'm starting to oppose the same old suicidal theme as it's present in so many. I'd like it more if you gave another spin to the suicide. Also, suicide in three pages - I think I need to see more of Martin and get to know him before I see how it ends. But see what the others think.

No less than very good for me though. Strong story, well written too.

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Thank goodness this link worked!

I liked this, but I had a problem with the wording of Jogs toward Martin while he jumps rope.

I think better something like: Skips with a jumprope toward Martin or I don't know, that sounds clunky to me, too, but you get the idea.

This was good, really. You've captured what you wanted to and executed it very well I thought.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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No title page?

You repeat all your Slugs in the opening line of the first passage, which is redundant and a waste.

The setup here and dialogue doesn't work for me...doesn't feel real, and because of that, I just can't buy into this.

It's OK and the story itself works for what it is, but it left me feeling very little.  Not bad by any means, though.

** 1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DanC
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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This was okay.

Predictable, but, okay.

I guess that's my biggest issue is that it was so predictable.  Mark is correct.  You should go for option 2 or 3, unless option 1 is earth-shattering.  But, that wasn't the case here.

I'm kinda shocked at all the deaths/suicide by jump rope.

Do you know that I didn't even consider that story?  And I'm like the king of death and gore, at least here...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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Thanks
Dan
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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When the options were revealed, this was the first scenario that came to mind so I avoided it. I'm beginning to think ceiling fans are the true evil.

Overall, it was okay. I also liked the banter early on. Sad ending to a humorous start.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Great job.

Good characterization. Everything was solid. Sad ending, actually pretty brutal and depressing, but well executed.  


That rug really tied the room together.
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ajr
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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I think you paused well on the 2nd page to allow us to feel Martin's sadness. The juxtaposition of the energetic, insensitive guy and the lost Martin would I think play out better on screen than it does on the page.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing, nice little twist at the end. Don't know what exactly I would change about this, so I guess that's a good thing. Nice effort here.

Best,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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StevenClark
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Well that was depressing. I get where you went, but don't like how you got there. Just seeing a picture of him and his wife isn't enough, for me, to see Martin taking his own life. These three pagers can be tough to pull off! Basically, you need more rationale and reasoning thrown in there.

Steve


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Angry Bear
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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No title page, which I appreciate. I usually get annoyed at blank cover pages or silly made up names on them. This is supposed to be anonymous, so who cares?

I loved Todd. I hope I get to be like him if I get to be that age. Lol. Martin's hunched over posture tells me he's depressed. Ditto that for the emergency in the other apartment and then the photo. Two people experiencing and dealing with the last years of their lives in different ways. I know which one I'd rather be.

On a different note, here where I live, Florida, we have lots of retirement homes. The Villages probably being the best known. Thanks to things like Viagra, STDs are a huge problem there! Who would've thought!  


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