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Intergenic148 by Nagin Karsan - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Mountain man with no memory returns to Earth after five years to save his family and the world from total annihilation by an Alien species who seek the God gene. 120 pages - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
All in all - for a new writer a very nice start in the field.
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A man carrying a chain-saw makes his way down the clearing, heading towards a pickup. This is MICHAEL SYKES, 40s. Heavy-lidded eyes and a scruffy beard.
Just my personal preference - but I always find it inefficient when writers go this route - i.e., show us a generic man than intro him rather than just introducing him right off. e.g., I always think it reads better as
MICHAEL SYKES (40s), heavy-lidded eyes and a scruffy beard, carries a chain-saw as he makes his way down the clearing towards a pickup.
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BOB, foreman, late 50s, quickly catches him and hands him an envelope. Michael tears it open. Reads the letter within.
Beat.
Never a fan of the "beat" here. Really not needed, If you feel it necessary, be a little more creative - rather than beat - a moment passes. - or Bob studies Michael's face as he reads.
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Uninterested. Michael crumples the letter and throws it on the floor.
Since you are outside - floor is not quite right. Ground? Dirt?
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A woman lies on the examination table. This is CHRISTINE, Mid 30's, pretty, but somewhat worn down. She appears tense, looking up at the ceiling.
Same note as above - to me reads better as
CHRISTINE (30's), pretty, but somewhat worn down, lies on the examination table. She appears tense, looking up at the ceiling.
Also not a fan of "pretty" here. Does it really matter if she is attractive or not?
Anyway - like I said, for a new writer you show a lot of promise IMO
NB: SS is quid pro quo. The more you read of other's work the more reciprocal reads you'll get in return... Apart from kinds souls who read and review with no payback expected.
Mountain man with no memory returns to Earth after five years to save his family and the world from total annihilation by an Alien species who seek the God gene.
A Mountain man? It struck me it might be Martian? I dunno.
If you need this edited let me know and I can change it for you. He's returning to earth. From where?
Edit: Okay, I read a bit, and he's not a Martian. Your logline needs some clarification imho, specifically relating to Michael's disappearance then reappearance in different form on Earth.
If you stick with Mountain man then at least preface it with 'A'.
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Intergenic148
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