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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Intergenic148 Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 4th, 2020, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Intergenic148 by Nagin Karsan - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Mountain man with no memory returns to Earth after five years to save his family and the world from total annihilation by an Alien species who seek the God gene. 120 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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Nagin
Posted: October 9th, 2020, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Hi guys. I'm new here. Any kind of review on my script would be great.
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eldave1
Posted: October 9th, 2020, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, Nagin - I have time for a one page review.

TITLE - Like it

All in all - for a new writer a very nice start in the field.


Quoted Text
A man carrying a chain-saw makes his way down the clearing,
heading towards a pickup. This is MICHAEL SYKES, 40s. Heavy-lidded eyes and a scruffy beard.


Just my personal preference - but I always find it inefficient when writers go this route - i.e., show us a generic man than intro him rather than just introducing him right off. e.g., I always think it reads better as

MICHAEL SYKES (40s), heavy-lidded eyes and a scruffy beard, carries a chain-saw as he makes his way down the clearing towards a pickup.


Quoted Text
BOB, foreman, late 50s, quickly catches him and hands him an
envelope. Michael tears it open. Reads the letter within.

Beat.


Never a fan of the "beat" here.  Really not needed, If you feel it necessary, be a little more creative - rather than beat - a moment passes. - or Bob studies Michael's face as he reads.


Quoted Text
Uninterested. Michael crumples the letter and throws it on
the floor.


Since you are outside - floor is not quite right. Ground? Dirt?


Quoted Text
A woman lies on the examination table. This is CHRISTINE, Mid
30's, pretty, but somewhat worn down. She appears tense,
looking up at the ceiling.


Same note as above - to me reads better as

CHRISTINE (30's), pretty, but somewhat worn down, lies on the examination table.
She appears tense, looking up at the ceiling.


Also not a fan of "pretty" here. Does it really matter if she is attractive or not?


Anyway - like I said, for a new writer you show a lot of promise IMO


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: October 9th, 2020, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Nagin, welcome to SS!

A few links for you that you might find helpful re the site:

Newbs guide to navigating the site:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/s-new/

Scriptwriting class
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Script exchange:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

Tell us about yourself (optional, of course)
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/

Review my logline:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-logline/

One Week Challenge:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?c-OWC/
SS has a Halloween themed challenge coming up in approx a week.

NB: SS is quid pro quo. The more you read of other's work the more reciprocal reads you'll get in return...
Apart from kinds souls who read and review with no payback expected.


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LC
Posted: October 9th, 2020, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Just a note regarding your logline, Nagin:

Mountain man with no memory returns to Earth after five years to save his family and the world from total annihilation by an Alien species who seek the God gene.

A Mountain man?
It struck me it might be Martian? I dunno.

If you need this edited let me know and I can change it for you.
He's returning to earth. From where?

Edit: Okay, I read a bit, and he's not a Martian.  
Your logline needs some clarification imho, specifically relating to Michael's disappearance then reappearance in different form on Earth.

If you stick with Mountain man then at least preface it with 'A'.



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LC  -  October 9th, 2020, 8:00pm
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