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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Henry Schmidt: A Tosher's Tale - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Henry Schmidt: A Tosher's Tale - WT2  (currently 2662 views)
Pale Yellow
Posted: June 14th, 2019, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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haha ... learn something new every day! Googled Tosher... hmmm it is me!!! Except I rummage through dumpsters and people's trash not the sewer!! haha Great title and logline!!!

Oh and a Narrator... I'm one of the strange birds that likes a Narrator. Some of my favorite movies of all times: Moonrise Kingdom, Stranger than Fiction, Rudolph!!! Fresh and ballsy move there writer.

Wow... in love with this writing and I'm only half way down page one. Call me a sucker for Twist. Dickens. Poor little kids, gypsies and pick pockets. Painting a world here.. good job.

Very visual when you move through the floor, below the cobbled streets. Nice descriptions.

When I was in the gold business...we had a vent cleaner man... he cleaned dryer vents for several laundromat chains. He would come in with pockets full of GOLD. Henry reminds me of the dryer vent man.

Should be he brought I think
pg 3 her brought

Wow absolutely loved this one. Most originally told. Real storyteller behind this tale.

Great job writer.

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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 15th, 2019, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Henry Schmidt: A Tosher's Tale

A very atmospheric dark comedy and eventually the right story for using a narrator that guides us along the imagery. It's a little overwritten in places. Anyway, a truly refreshing, abstract performance of you. Well done.



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jayrex
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Sorry to say, this one to me was a poor effort.  The narrator takes you out of the story.  It’s like being an observer.  And when you’re an observer, it’s not funny shit.

I really don’t think there’s any comedy to be found.

The setting was good.  Rewrite using Henry’s voice.  And add in another character to bounce off.



Revision History (1 edits)
jayrex  -  June 17th, 2019, 2:44pm
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reviews guys a lot more positive than I was expecting to be honest lol

WARNING - EXCUSES BELOW

My initial idea was a news report covering the Fatberg in London - started writing it at work on Monday and it was terrible lol
Just before leaving work I had the Idea for Henry Schmidt - Only managed to find 2 hours that night to write it up (whilst chugging wine) - hence all of the mistakes lol (sorry about those BTW, I can imagine it was annoying to read)

Sorry a lot of you didn't find the humour - I honestly tried, I thought a man "gold mining" through shit and dressing up as a pig was funny lol I guess not.
The initial idea was to have the narrator read a funny poem about it - I quickly realised i could not write a poem and a script in 2 hours, so it kind of just ended up being strange rhyming monologue.


Quoted from stevie
Another OWC had one using that and it was grating (no pun intended).


Ha! that was me lol I did it again, go figure.


Quoted from Gary in Houston
I didn't necessarily understand the scaring of the Snitches part -- the Snitches were keeping him from digging in the sewage?  Why would the Snitches care?  What do they get from keeping him away from the sewage?


The copper gives the snitch some coin - Snitches would tell on those who entered the sewer for the promise of a reward, so they would stand near the grates trying to find them during the day (In reality, the Tosher's stopped going into the sewer during the day for fear of getting caught)

I may have made it a bit too subtle - I had intended to include a reward poster somewhere but completely forgot.

Anyway - Thanks all - I'm glad some found some enjoyment from it


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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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This script would have scored highly from me. For 72 hours work this is great stuff. It would work really well on screen. If I were you, I'd think that the people that didn't like this are just full of shit.
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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For what it's worth... this script had my third highest score. Really liked it.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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ReneC
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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This one was tied for 3rd in my scoring. Despite the flaws, I thought it was great.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 2:52am Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys. I am pretty pleased with it myself.

I think i might give this one a good rewrite and add it to the collection - Not sure how viable it would be as a short since period pieces are expensive, but you never know.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 2:57am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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It would make a good animation, as well.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
It would make a good animation, as well.


Good idea - I never think about animations to be honest, I should try my hand at a few animated shorts.

I read somewhere once not to bother writing an animated feature as no one buys them as specs, they are mostly commissioned - no idea how true that is, but since I read that I have never thought about trying to write one


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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 16th, 2019, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't read Pratchett in years. However, my son does and earlier I happened to glance at the book he is reading. It's entitled, 'Dodger' and is a tosher's tale. You a Pratchett fan?
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 16th, 2019, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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I am not - I'm not well read to be honest.

I did come across the novel though, during my research and read the plot.

I got the idea for this after falling down the Wikipedia rabbit role looking up London Victorian sewer system.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 16th, 2019, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
I'm not well read to be honest.


I'm surprised at that.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: July 17th, 2019, 11:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Pratchett is fantastic. I'm very sad he's dead. Great world building, full of great characters and the stories are always gripping, yet he never descends into any nastiness. It's impressive stuff.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 17th, 2019, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Pratchett is fantastic. I'm very sad he's dead. Great world building, full of great characters and the stories are always gripping, yet he never descends into any nastiness. It's impressive stuff.


I'm sad he's dead too. His books carried me through some troubled times.
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