Henry Schmidt: A Tosher's Tale by Matthew Taylor (Matthew Taylor)  writing as Helen Hywater - Short, Historical Dramedy - A victorian tosher finds an unusual way to keep the snitches at bay, but things soon spiral out of control. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Your opening line is a mess, which is never a good look.

I liked the atmosphere you created a lot. It had a strong vibe of the kind of stories you were imitating. The punch-line fell flat because Schmidt had done well. It would only work if it had all gone wrong and they roasted him or something.

Overall, I don't know how I feel about this. It feels like there's some talent here, but the story itself lacks a specific moral or theme to really hold it together as a complete work. Still, it's among the better entries.

I really enjoyed the storyteller angle with this. The tone is excellent, you created a wonderful atmosphere and drew me right in.

I also feel it’s missing something though. It’s not quite an origin story, not quite a morality tale. The ending narration suggests it should be a cautionary tale but it isn’t. And Schmidt already has his solution halfway through and it works for him.

I think it might help to decide which way you want to go. I like the idea of monster hunters or something coming to kill him because his clever idea was a little too clever. Or maybe tell the tale of how he came up with the creation born out of that penny whistle to outsmart people and his story is actually about perseverance in the face of adversity.

The rhyming could use another pass, it almost works.

The few writing errors aside (sifting through shit, not shifting) this is well done and it certainly has character. I enjoyed it.

An excellent entry to be sure.

Was a little concerned when we had 3 uses of the word Victorian in the first 5 lines of script.

Aside from that, the whole thing worked for me. I'll agree with the two previous reviewers that just one more layer of theme would really make this sing.

Good job. Not much to add, I just enjoyed the read.

Hmmm...tosher. Had to look that one up before starting. You learn something new everyday.

The very first narrator dialog doesn't seem to work. Should in be it? It doesn't rhyme either, or is it just me?

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Victorian London. For you, what
image does in conjure?...

I found that really difficult to read. As soon as I realized the rhyming of the narrator, that's how I wanted to read the action and it threw me right off.

I just read it a second time and it works better. Question is that is doesn't really ring comedy to me. It's written well, and there's definitely a story, but not really comedy. Somebody help me out here....

Great character building, too. No dialog, per se, it's all V.O.

Good story telling, overall. This'll be a tough one to score.

Hi writer,

"A tosher is someone who scavenges in the sewers, a sewer-hunter, especially in London during the Victorian era." - Well there you go.

Quoted Text we hear his throat being slit.

I would have liked a more visual description rather than "we hear". Like what sound is that? Maybe it's pretty unique, I don’t know.

It would just look so much better if you turned off the character cont'd. Personal preference and it's quite obvious that it’s continued.

Quoted Text We move through the floor until we get to

I'm just never going to be a fan of this type of writing.

I've just finished the first page and there hasn’t even been an attempt at comedy...

"piss" and "shit" feel like they mess with the tone, but don’t pull it into the comedy realm.

Done, I'm sorry but where is the comedy? Or the attempt at comedy? I'm not sure Henry having a couple of chuckles to himself really counts. The rest felt pretty dark, like the best-of-a-bad situation but still not funny in any way. This is the first script that won’t make it for me.

Hard for me to score the dialogue as well, I realise the effort and work that goes into rhyming dialogue, but I'm not the audience for it, so do I mark it on how much I enjoyed/didn’t enjoy it, or how crafty it is? I'll have to think about it.

I think this one will really divide opinions, but we'll see.

All the best.

Ah, these WTs and OWCs can be brutal. I bet those typos are bugging you - first line typo is never a good look:
what image does in conjure?...
What image does it conjure...?

Henry retrieves up his sieve
Pretty sure that 'up' is redundant.
Sifting through instead of shifting.

Perhaps you were under the gun.

This is a valiant effort, clearly you put the work in and I liked reading a lot of it.
You evoked nicely a time and place and the character of Henry.

There's some wit on display here but it lacks comedy imho.

Hello writer

Looks like you are making people hit google - I did too, I may have gone a bit further (I found it interesting) and found there was actually a myth about pigs in the sewers, who knew.

Anyway...

Interesting take. definitely got that Victorian legend vibe and I enjoyed the journey the Narrator took me on.

I've read the comments and I can see why others would mark you down for comedy. Personally, I didn't laugh at all but I can see the attempt to get the comedy tone rather than serious tone.

If you have another go at this post-tournament then I would rework the Narrators poem to really add in some comedy and also add some more conflict at the end

I also think you should choose an audience for this - get rid of the swearing and aim it at kids in a Horrible Histories kind of way - Or crank it up to adult humour

EDIT: Forgot to add - You would need the right Narrator to bring home the comedy element, a light a jovial voice rather than dark and enigmatic

Hi.
This is cleverly done. Henry is a very good character.
Overall I had to read it twice to get the meaning for some reason. But lol, it's a very nice effort. I learned to appreciate it.
I read through the comments - this is def a comedy for me. So, good job there as well. Having you at very good for a story, too.

A smart story that did its best in the time allotted. The best I've read so far.

This was another interesting choice, much like "Crappy Job" had no dialogue, this had the narrator speaking entirely in rhyme.  Does it work?  Not entirely, but I don't think that it's bad.  Some of the rhymes are reaching and you hem yourself by utilizing that choice of style.  

Beyond that, I'm not sure the story of the pig whistle works, but in the end, that doesn't matter as much to me. I think brave choices allow you some leeway with other parts.  I didn't necessarily understand the scaring of the Snitches part -- the Snitches were keeping him from digging in the sewage?  Why would the Snitches care?  What do they get from keeping him away from the sewage?  I may have missed something, but that's the part that I think needs more fleshing out.

Otherwise, pretty good effort here.

Nicely written, good feeling of the Victorian gaslights and such. The rhyming dialogue was ok. Another OWC had one using that and it was grating (no pun intended).

Little to no humour or giggle fodder but it was meticulously planned out and flowed nicely

Just big enough for a skinny, hunched man...

Odd description.

Great effort on the narration though. Hard to judge, but I applaud it overall.

An entertaining tale, but not especially humorous.  The Narrator carries too much of the narrative load, but it’s understandable considering the time constraint it was written under. All things considered, a very good effort.

Last of the bunch.  Let's see if I can give you some helpful feedback.

First of all, I had to look up what a tosher was/is.  So, thanks for teaching me something new.

Personally, I don't like how you used "Birdseye view", and I think it's actually "bird's-eye view", isn't it?  Much neater just to use, "From above" or the like.

So, we have a narrator?  Oh boy...and this narrator has a mistake in their opening dialogue - "in" - "it".

If we're in Victorian London, I would imagine the streets are also Victorian, so no reason to include that in your Slug.

"High society MEN stroll the cobbled streets. Top hats and canes." - So, you chose to write this as 2 sentences, the last, obviously a fragment, but more importantly, you ended in a lonely little orphan, because you repeated the Slug for some unknown reason.

"child" needs to be CAPPED - just like you CAPPED "MEN" earlier.

"The men walk past a darkened alleyway, one of them is SNATCHED by a figure from the shadows and dragged into it. He SCREAMS we hear his throat being slit." - This is extremely awkwardly written.  First "sentence" is a run-on.  2nd is just a mess, as you omitted "as" or a similar word, and using "we hear" for such a potentially visual action, is just plain wrong.

OK, this rhyming narrator is odd, to say the least and you've missed several rhymes already, and I bet it's going to be problematic as we go.

"We move through the floor until we get to" - This is poorly done.  So many better ways of writing this, but let's understand a couple things first...there's no floor here.  We're on a cobbled street.  When you "transition" like this into your next Slug, you need a dash, or as I prefer, an ellipsis.

"skinny hunched man" - Huh?  WTF?

No age whatsoever for Henry's intro?  And why again, do you have "us" in there?  Serves no purpose whatsoever.

"shifting" - "sifting"

Is the narrator's rhymes supposed to be the comedy element here?  It's not remotely funny and there's absolutely ZERO comedy anywhere else so far.

"cylinder object" - You mean cylindrical?  Oh boy...

"A SNITCH peers down through the grate - their eyes light up as they see Henry." - if it's 1 snitch, why are you using "their" and "they"?  Not good on the writing at all.

"The Snitch stands tall, cups their hands around their mouth.  They mouth the words the Narrator speaks." - Wow, terrible.  Again, if it's a single person, why are you using plurals?  And the awkwardness of talking about the narrator.  Damn...I'm getting ready to jump ship.

Writing is getting even worse, missing words, punctuation, awkward, just not good.

OK, the end.

So, listen...there's obviously alot of thought that went into this.  There's talent here, although writing-wise, this is a mess.  I can see where some will give you 5 points for comedy, based on the narrator's rhyming ways, but I can't, as there's literally no comedy here whatsoever.  Story-wise, it's excellent, but dialogue?  No, can't commend the VO, sorry to say.

Just my opinion, and it will piss him off, but those are very helpful notes by Jeff. That's why it's worth putting up with all his nonsense! Ok, begin Jeff-rant...now.

Although I'm going to disagree with Jeff on one point... Only because I got marked down for it in an exam once and it pissed me off lol

You can use they and their as a singular if the gender is unknown (i.e instead of he/she)

Yes, that is true, and it's become very useful to me.

And I certainly don't agree with Jeff on MANY things. I could write a script on that. Oh, wait, Dave already did.

Check this out.  Note which words it works with, and why...


https://www.lexico.com/en/grammar/using-they-and-them-in-the-singular

The key thing, Jeff, is gender unknown. Because English doesn't have a proper word.

Quoted from leitskev The key thing, Jeff, is gender unknown. Because English doesn't have a proper word.

We're not told the gender, but it's not supposed to be a secret, nor is it because the character has a gender issue.

In fact, by writing it the way this writer chose to, no one knows the gender...and if the Snitch is onscreen, the gender should be quite obvious, right?

Oh, ok. I was thinking in general terms. I supposed that's true in a movie we'd know.

But is it not to leave the gender open? Rather than keep it a secret

As in, a throw away characters gender is unimportant so making them gender neutral leaves it open for casting of the role to be of either sex

Quoted from Matthew Taylor But is it not to leave the gender open? Rather than keep it a secret As in, a throw away characters gender is unimportant so making them gender neutral leaves it open for casting of the role to be of either sex

They will do that anyway. For reading purposes, it is better to be more specific as the reader needs visuals to continue reading. Having them stumble like this isn't good. I looked over it because of the time issue. I like the idea more than the actual execution... but for 72 hours, I can't really complain.

Quoted from DustinBowcot They will do that anyway. For reading purposes, it is better to be more specific as the reader needs visuals to continue reading. Having them stumble like this isn't good. I looked over it because of the time issue. I like the idea more than the actual execution... but for 72 hours, I can't really complain.

Agreed.

And, for what it's worth, I think the story is quite good, but the execution and complete lack of comedy drag it way down.

This really evoked a great tone and the had the sort of Victorian Penny Dreadful feel to it, great job there.

Rhyming dialogue, I'm not the worlds biggest fan but this didn't feel overly forced and flowed pretty well.

So I really enjoyed it... but I didn't see any real comedy, or attempt at it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot They will do that anyway. For reading purposes, it is better to be more specific as the reader needs visuals to continue reading. Having them stumble like this isn't good. I looked over it because of the time issue. I like the idea more than the actual execution... but for 72 hours, I can't really complain.

Well noted. Apologies Jeff, I take it back. Thank you both. At the risk of sounding like an SS cheerleader, this is why I love this place, really helping me to learn.

Apologies writer for slightly hijacking your thread

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Well noted. Apologies Jeff, I take it back. Thank you both. At the risk of sounding like an SS cheerleader, this is why I love this place, really helping me to learn. Apologies writer for slightly hijacking your thread

No apology required.

Hi Writer,

Rhymed dialogue. Interesting choice.

Petty errors aside, the writing is good and you did a great job with the tone and the atmosphere of Victorian London, well done.

The comedy is thin, but there's some, mostly ironic moments and lines, so I'm going to say that it fits the parameters. But you put me in a difficult position.

Overall, I think it worked for me. The story flowed nicely and I liked Henry as a character.

Good job!
David

This is basically the origin story for a legend, sewer covered, whistle covered... though there's nothing inherent in the subject matter that makes this a comedy.

But you have this Narrator. It's some super serious newscaster or NFL Films-style voice saying silly stuff, reminiscent of the original The Grinch Who Stole Christmas or the famous BBC news story about Spaghetti Trees that aired one fateful April Fool's Day.

My concern for this script is the story arc. Either it's a setup and we didn't get to the inciting incident yet, or the story was finished half-way through and we had a really long denouement. Coupled with the long intro before getting to the sewer, that leaves hardly any story at all. A tunnel-full of atmosphere, but only two things actually happened.

There's a logic hole, but that's par for the course in a 72-hour dash to write... if a snitch can summon the police to arrest a tosher, why can't a snitch summon the police to chase/capture/confront a monster? Toshing is the more serious offense? Londoners are just used to The Doctor handling the weird stuff? I kept waiting for someone to come after the whistling pig man, but it never happened.

haha ... learn something new every day! Googled Tosher... hmmm it is me!!! Except I rummage through dumpsters and people's trash not the sewer!! haha Great title and logline!!!

Oh and a Narrator... I'm one of the strange birds that likes a Narrator. Some of my favorite movies of all times: Moonrise Kingdom, Stranger than Fiction, Rudolph!!! Fresh and ballsy move there writer.

Wow... in love with this writing and I'm only half way down page one. Call me a sucker for Twist. Dickens. Poor little kids, gypsies and pick pockets. Painting a world here.. good job.

Very visual when you move through the floor, below the cobbled streets. Nice descriptions.

When I was in the gold business...we had a vent cleaner man... he cleaned dryer vents for several laundromat chains. He would come in with pockets full of GOLD. Henry reminds me of the dryer vent man.

Should be he brought I think
pg 3 her brought

Wow absolutely loved this one. Most originally told. Real storyteller behind this tale.

Great job writer.

Henry Schmidt: A Tosher's Tale

A very atmospheric dark comedy and eventually the right story for using a narrator that guides us along the imagery. It's a little overwritten in places. Anyway, a truly refreshing, abstract performance of you. Well done.

Sorry to say, this one to me was a poor effort.  The narrator takes you out of the story.  It’s like being an observer.  And when you’re an observer, it’s not funny shit.

I really don’t think there’s any comedy to be found.

The setting was good.  Rewrite using Henry’s voice.  And add in another character to bounce off.

Thanks for the reviews guys a lot more positive than I was expecting to be honest lol

WARNING - EXCUSES BELOW

My initial idea was a news report covering the Fatberg in London - started writing it at work on Monday and it was terrible lol
Just before leaving work I had the Idea for Henry Schmidt - Only managed to find 2 hours that night to write it up (whilst chugging wine) - hence all of the mistakes lol (sorry about those BTW, I can imagine it was annoying to read)

Sorry a lot of you didn't find the humour - I honestly tried, I thought a man "gold mining" through shit and dressing up as a pig was funny lol I guess not.
The initial idea was to have the narrator read a funny poem about it - I quickly realised i could not write a poem and a script in 2 hours, so it kind of just ended up being strange rhyming monologue.

Quoted from stevie Another OWC had one using that and it was grating (no pun intended).

Ha! that was me lol I did it again, go figure.

Quoted from Gary in Houston I didn't necessarily understand the scaring of the Snitches part -- the Snitches were keeping him from digging in the sewage?  Why would the Snitches care?  What do they get from keeping him away from the sewage?

The copper gives the snitch some coin - Snitches would tell on those who entered the sewer for the promise of a reward, so they would stand near the grates trying to find them during the day (In reality, the Tosher's stopped going into the sewer during the day for fear of getting caught)

I may have made it a bit too subtle - I had intended to include a reward poster somewhere but completely forgot.

Anyway - Thanks all - I'm glad some found some enjoyment from it

This script would have scored highly from me. For 72 hours work this is great stuff. It would work really well on screen. If I were you, I'd think that the people that didn't like this are just full of shit.

For what it's worth... this script had my third highest score. Really liked it.

This one was tied for 3rd in my scoring. Despite the flaws, I thought it was great.

Thanks guys. I am pretty pleased with it myself.

I think i might give this one a good rewrite and add it to the collection - Not sure how viable it would be as a short since period pieces are expensive, but you never know.

It would make a good animation, as well.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films It would make a good animation, as well.

Good idea - I never think about animations to be honest, I should try my hand at a few animated shorts.

I read somewhere once not to bother writing an animated feature as no one buys them as specs, they are mostly commissioned - no idea how true that is, but since I read that I have never thought about trying to write one

I haven't read Pratchett in years. However, my son does and earlier I happened to glance at the book he is reading. It's entitled, 'Dodger' and is a tosher's tale. You a Pratchett fan?

I am not - I'm not well read to be honest.

I did come across the novel though, during my research and read the plot.

I got the idea for this after falling down the Wikipedia rabbit role looking up London Victorian sewer system.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I'm not well read to be honest.

I'm surprised at that.

Pratchett is fantastic. I'm very sad he's dead. Great world building, full of great characters and the stories are always gripping, yet he never descends into any nastiness. It's impressive stuff.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Pratchett is fantastic. I'm very sad he's dead. Great world building, full of great characters and the stories are always gripping, yet he never descends into any nastiness. It's impressive stuff.

I'm sad he's dead too. His books carried me through some troubled times.

I was there right from the beginning with Rincewind and the luggage. Ankh Morpork and the university. I'd open the first page of each new book with relish. I read the early books several times and there isn't many authors I can do that with. I sucked in every single word. A genius, a true storyteller. Right up there with the greats.

Did you ever read any Tom Sharpe? He was a master too. There'd be a build-up for a hundred pages or so, and then the shit would hit the proverbial... hilarious. Not enough writers of that ilk, unfortunately.

Mathew

I just read this blindsided without any idea of the logline or the tournament’s criteria. Best to judge it purely on its own merits I think.

Good opening, enumerating, with images, the different clichés we associate with Victorian London.
“bullocks”

- Is this intentionally misspelled? If so, great!

Ha, I didn’t notice until the bottom of page two that it’s written in rhyming verse, nice. Regardless of that, I’m a sucker for Victorian literature so I’m enjoying the narrator’s linguistic flourishes. Also, because Henry’s vocation is a unique, disgusting and somewhat absurd one, it stops the piece from feeling too stuffy and serious.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Like a Scotsman with the pipes, he blew a melancholy tone,
and the snitches peered down with faces of stone.

- This is really the only line that creaks in its reaching for a rhyme.  Why expressions of “stone”? I wonder is there a word that rhymes with “confusion”, “surprise” etc as I imagine the reaction to be if you suddenly saw a pig rooting around a London sewer.

And to your credit, it is followed by my favourite couplet:

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The stage was set, audience anticipation alight.
Step forward, beast, enter stage right.

- Would the onlookers really be that scared and just flee? I figured curiosity would overrule their revulsion.

Also, I thought Henry had rigged the “costume” in such a way that he could wear it as he worked so if anyone happened to look down at any time they would just see a pig, quite literally, in shit. That’s asking for too much I know.

Hmmm, “below” and “sow” don’t rhyme in this context

I really enjoyed this. Very compact and effective little tale you have here. The rhyming adds that extra embellishment but even without that it functions on its own as a solid piece of storytelling.

Now, the big question...what actor is going to sign up to play the titular character? That is one tough role! Sure, Leo ate raw liver and slept in a bear carcass but did he ever submerge himself in sewer faeces...in a pig carcass!

Anyway, good work.

Col.

Thanks for the read and comments, col. Much appreciated.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. This was a test for me to see how well I could take on board all of the comments from the original version and incorporate into an improved rewrite.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 �bullocks� - Is this intentionally misspelled? If so, great!

Indeed it is. I actually spelled it "ballocks" which I am reliably informed was more common in Victorian England than bollocks - Although, in dialogue, no one would really know the difference.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 NARRATOR (V.O.) Like a Scotsman with the pipes, he blew a melancholy tone, and the snitches peered down with faces of stone.

Funny you should pick that one out - That's the one I spent most time on as I didn't like anything I came up with. This line was the best of a bad bunch. I'll step away from this for a week or two and go back in with a fresh mind.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Would the onlookers really be that scared and just flee? I figured curiosity would overrule their revulsion.

Yea I'm taking liberties with this one lol. The victorian era was one of monsters, both in literature and urban legend. There is an actual urban legend of black swine in Victorian sewers, which was the inspiration for my story - So I'm hoping people will let this slide lol

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Hmmm, �below� and �sow� don�t rhyme in this context

Ha! I'm an idiot - I have been saying "sow" wrong my entire life. I just heard the correct pronunciation -  ooops. Now it doesn't rhyme at all, thanks for pointing it out.

Very happy that you like this one. I respect your opinion a lot so thank you.

I have no idea who would play Henry - to be honest, with the sets and costumes involved I doubt it will ever be made, unless it's an animation of some kind.

Still, I live in hope.

Thanks again

Matt

Matt

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Indeed it is. I actually spelled it "ballocks" which I am reliably informed was more common in Victorian England than bollocks - Although, in dialogue, no one would really know the difference.

Interesting, I didn't know that. I thought it was accent/inflection detail.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Yea I'm taking liberties with this one lol. The victorian era was one of monsters, both in literature and urban legend. There is an actual urban legend of black swine in Victorian sewers, which was the inspiration for my story - So I'm hoping people will let this slide lol

That's true, people would've been a lot more susceptible to believing in monsters back then and easily freaked out.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I have no idea who would play Henry - to be honest, with the sets and costumes involved I doubt it will ever be made, unless it's an animation of some kind.

Animation could work but also there is really only a few locations. A couple of rooms, the opening montage and the sewer. The latter would be tricky to realise in a live action, I guess just make it as dark as possible and keep the shots tight....and lots of brown stuff.