SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 21st, 2021, 5:42pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The scripts of the Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  From the Light to the Sheyd - WT3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    From the Light to the Sheyd - WT3  (currently 1045 views)
Don
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15040
Posts Per Day
1.99
From the Light to the Sheyd by Not Kosher - An airline hijacker underestimates just how serious his hostages are about keeping holy the Sabbath. - Short, Horror


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 18th, 2019, 10:50am
Logged
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:00am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1627
Posts Per Day
0.85
I had to read at least one entry before going to bed and...who's the lucky one!

OMG! You came up with this in 72 hours? Nice work! You shoe-horned in the hand sanitizer but it counts in my books. Great story, good character development and pretty decent (maybe a little cheezy) dialog. Very good writing. All in all, a great start for round three. Great job, writer!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 20
LC
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 6:15am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6141
Posts Per Day
1.29
Hmm, the use of the sanitizer was quite ingenious, shoehorned, and a tad silly as well.

An ambitious idea with moments of humour that tickled my funny bone.
When horns start appearing in stories/scripts I turn off a bit, but hey that's just me. I wasn't really feeling the horror but that's like I said cause this ain't the type of horror to scare me or enthrall me.

A big effort.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
Kevin_L
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 10:14am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
92
Posts Per Day
0.02
This one was interesting . It would have read better for me if  you named the tech guy. I know you don’t have long to setup only being allowed 5 pages. I would have liked to see the tech guy hook into the plane. Maybe he goes into the bathroom unlocks a small panel and plugs in a cable. Something like that.  One sec he was sitting, then poof he’s hacked the plane.

I take naming of the “Tech Bro” back. A high jacker isn’t going to introduce himself . My fault for not thinking that thru.  

I like Kaleb. Older people are harder to scare. They’ve done had life throw everything at them. So tech bro ,like he said ,was an ”inconvenience.”  He was my so called relatable character that tied the story together nicely .

The winged monster was a nice surprise. Washing the blood off with hand sanitizer was unique .

The flight attendant forgetting to restart CPR lol.

You know how to weave plot and story pretty well.  When I found out she was pregnant. That was a nice payoff out of a tragic situation .

Well done ...





Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
Fais85
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
India
Posts
193
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey writer.. This was really interesting and clever writing. Loved the set-up. Though horror part didn't work as it should, but may be it's just me. Very well done though.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 20
AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
3842
Posts Per Day
1.32
I really liked the mythology on display here, but...

Tech-Bro, urgh, can’t he have a name?

His reasoning for the hijacking is ridiculous... he’s going to get hired as a hacker after this demo, no he’ll be in jail sewing mailbags. TBH wasn’t sure if this was meant to be funny?

These can both fixed.though...

Not aware of the Sheyd before, will be reading up later, thanks for the education.

Sanitiser... a little shoe horned but okay by me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
Dreamscale
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.26
"Tech-Bro" - ?  That's a pretty irritating name.

The setup here is once again ludicrous...completely unrealistic and unbelievable.  So many reasons why, but I'm not going to waste my time gong into detail.

Is this supposed to be a comedy?  The dialogue is cringe worthy.

Passages not remotely broken up correctly, which makes this read very difficult.

HA!  I keep reading, "the Flight Attendant", as if there's only 1 on this Boeing 777, which appears to be flying a long distance.  So completely fake...c'mon...really?

"Hezekiah kicks off the Air Marshall, who returns. He throws off others one at a time, but they return as well." -     Man, oh man, this reads like a combination of a pisser and a young child's writing.

The End.  Well, it's memorable, that's for sure.  It's whacky, goofy, and way, WAY to big a premise for 5 pages.  The hand sanitizer is shoehorned in at the very end.

Nothing works for me at all here.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
Warren
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3559
Posts Per Day
1.81
Hi writer,


Quoted Text
looks at a TECH-BRO


A tech-bro? Reading on...

Okay I get it, surely you could have come up with something better than tech-bro.


Quoted Text
life signs,


vital signs


Quoted Text
Kaleb knees Tech-Bro in the balls. Tech-Bro crumples.


I really dislike that name and it is starting to affect the read for me.


Quoted Text
TECH-BRO
Yeah, the Flying Spaghetti
Monster’s going to be all mad at me
if I keep you flying after dark.


This guy sounds like a complete idiot, someone not capable of doing what he's doing.


Quoted Text
KALEB
My order guards the secret of the
Sheydim. They were to be companions
to Man, but were unfinished when
the Sixth Day ended.
TECH-BRO
Wow, you hit your head really hard.
ESTER
We support the Sheydim who wish to
live among Men in peace. Hunt down
those who do not.
Hezekiah buries his head under his arms, whimpering quietly,
comforted by the Jewish Woman GURIT (1 next to him.
KALEB
As I said, the Sheydim were
unfinished. A Sheyd needs the order
of the holy laws. Without that
firmest of guidance, he is lost.


Mass exposition, it really needs to be done well to be pulled off, for me this wasn't one of those times.


Quoted Text
KALEB
Miss, put the watch on your wrist.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Okay, but I can’t log into it.
She fastens the strap, but the countdown continues.
KALEB
His password is zero six six six,
perhaps a very stupid joke.


This is so convenient to the story.


Quoted Text
She “forgets” to resume the CPR.


Her real motivations would only be known if you show us or tell us. This is some really awkward writing.


Quoted Text
Tentatively, a Passenger mom with a diaper bag offers a small
bottle of hand sanitizer. Ester checks for the Kosher symbol,
accepts the bottle, and other moms come forward.


I almost forgot all about the sanitizer. It's there though.


Quoted Text
Still in the window seat, Gurit’s cries of pain end. She
straightens up, enters the aisle. She’s five months pregnant.
GURIT
Not all.


Sorry but that ending was really cringe worthy.

Lots of moving parts that don’t feel like they sit too well together.

Some of the dialogue, while trying to sound 'proper' just comes off robotic.

Criteria met for me. Won’t do too well in the other categories.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
PKCardinal
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1114
Posts Per Day
0.80
This had promise, but kind of fell apart for me.

I was intrigued when they confront the Tech-Bro right at the start of his plan. Had me leaning forward. It was an interesting twist on what I was picturing... seemingly peaceful people with a violent purpose... I liked the feel of that.

But, when the horns/wings came out, you totally lost me. Now, I realize you were chasing horror for the challenge. But, I'd like to see the version of this where it's just normal people acting in a completely unexpected way.

In the end, I enjoyed the first couple of pages, but not the last.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 20
Gary in Houston
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1188
Posts Per Day
0.37
Marks for the criteria being met, so good there.

This had a good start to it, nice setup. This type of suspense has been achieved with good effect in films like Red Eye, e.g.  But it started going downhill for me with the dialogue between “Tech Bro” (which, while descriptive, seems very out of place here) and Kaleb. I thought it was going to rebound as the transfiguration occurred, but that part fell a bit flat for me.  My issue with the dialogue is that it’s mainly expository— that is, it explains things to the reader through the dialogue rather than showing us what’s happening.

I think with a bit of rewriting and a longer script to work with, you might have the nucleus of a pretty decent story.

Best of luck,
Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 20
jayrex
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 9:46am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1428
Posts Per Day
0.26
Sorry to say, I didn't like it.

There was no horror for me.

Tech-Bro is a horrible character name.

I've no idea what a Sheyd is.  If I was on my PC I'd be googling this and the other strange words.

The story of this Tech-Bro taking over the plane and ending with the shining light of a baby due in a few months didn't work for me.  Made no sense TBH.

This was really a test to see if I'd reach the end.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
eldave1
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 11:38am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6911
Posts Per Day
2.62
Light on the horror.

Started okay - then started to fizzle for me.

Lose the tech bro.  This is main character. Give him a name.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 20
Spqr
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
482
Posts Per Day
0.10
Excellent story. Tech-Bro’s motivation for the hijacking—to be regarded as the best black-hat hacker, however, tells me he’s not too bright. I’m sure there’s a department in an agency not to be mentioned that specializes in deleting any black-hat hacker that can’t be co-opted. And Tech-Bro doesn’t strike me as co-optible. Kaleb comes off as very cool guy, as ready with a witticism as with a knee to the stones.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 8:16am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1495
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hello writer

"a TECH-BRO" made me think it was a thing, rather than just a strange character name. A google search for Tech-bro tells me it is, although I still don't fully understand lol - he still needs a name though.

" The Flight Attendant backs away toward the rear of the plane." - lol i just had images of him/her slowly walking backwards, whistling in a "nothing to do with me" sort of way.

These Jewish characters are interesting - Kaleb, very calm in the face of this situation - Ester, again calm enough, and clever enough, to check the faces of the passengers to look for an accomplice - they are like some kind of secret agents - I hope we get to know more about them.

"(gagging)" - I don't think this is the right word, that's more for choking - unless Kaleb kneed him in the balls so hard they entered his throat and made him gag, I would use 'gasping' - or nothing at all really, it's not needed - any actor worth his salt knows the character has just had his bits squashed and would act accordingly.

I'm afraid that my uneducated self does not know a lot about Judaism - so I'm off to google, back in a mo...

...OK, Sheyd is demon in Hebrew - these Jews seem to be some kind of demon hunters/educators - support the demons that live amongst them peacefully, kill the rest. I think I'm up to speed lol

What I have an issue with so far is this...


Quoted Text
TECH-BRO
You know, I could go to any country
unfriendly to the U.S. Seems to be
more of those every week. But just
for that, we�re going to Syria
where it will be Friday... night.
HEZEKIAH
No! I beg of you!


First, I still don't know what the relevance is of it being Friday night when they get to Syria, or why it has upset the Jewish demon hunters - but mostly, I don't understand how Tech-bro does know that it will upset them... he just confused them with Amish people so how does he now suddenly understand Jewish demonology?... either that or I am missing something obvious lol

There was this tidbit...


Quoted Text
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Not at all. I apologize for the
delays, but we should reach Athens
with plenty of time to get to your
hotel before sunset.


But that is for the audience - Even if Tech-Bro overheard the attendant say this, it's a big jump to then think they would be upset if it was night time - I really hope I am making sense lol

Wow - didn't see that coming. I love it lol - great imagery of the beast and the people trying to subdue him - visually I would really like this.

Some clever story points in here too, the use of the sanitizer, the laptop and watch and how to disarm it, the knowledge of Jewish demonology - all good, it was unique and well, puts my entry to absolute shame lol

It's not without issues though - some for me were:
- Tech-bro knowing that night time would upset the Jews
- Hezekiah, I guess I am suppose to feel something for him and his impending doom at the end, but the revelation he has a child - problem is, I've spent so much time with Kaleb and not Hezekiah, it is Kaleb's fate that I am most interested in.
- Tension, I don't have a lot at the end - I didn't sense the characters (other than Tech-Bro who I don't care about) were in danger, they subdued the demon, Kaleb knew the password and quickly had the idea for the wrist watch - I guess the 5 page limit was a problem for that.

But wow, writer - Cleverly written, interesting and unique story, interesting characters - all in 72 hours... I'm jealous


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
leitskev
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3103
Posts Per Day
0.78
Kaleb's action seems strangely unshocked.

Passengers don't chuckle when they're life is in danger.

Decent work on the prose.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006