SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 22nd, 2022, 9:29am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  The Bridge - WT5 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Bridge - WT5  (currently 940 views)
Don
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15124
Posts Per Day
1.97
The Bridge by Wells Farrago - Be careful what you wish for. - Short, Sci Fi


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Gary in Houston
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1188
Posts Per Day
0.36
Well, it had an interesting twist.  When you first mentioned Teddy Kennedy as president, I thought -- what did I miss here? But you turned it into a time travel story with sort of a butterfly effect to it.  Teddy crashes into the Chappaquiddick River, and because of that, Donald Trump ultimately become president.  So that's fairly clever, but hoo boy.  The writing here is bit rugged to get through at times.  A lot of grammatical errors -- particularly missing periods at the end of sentences being one of them.

Not sure you needed a saw to cut into the hose when a knife would have done, but I'll accept it.  And you got the sci fi down so parameters met.

Really in need of a clean up, but otherwise, a clever little story.

Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 12
PKCardinal
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 11:07am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1112
Posts Per Day
0.75
This is one of those scripts that works better outside of the tournament.

If you decide to rewrite, consider doing so without the parameters in mind, and make it more straightforward. You won't be chasing the "broken down car" angle as hard, and it should smooth out.

As it sits, it feels disjointed.

That said, I like the premise, and got a good laugh out of it, so that's a success in my book. It's too rough for top scores, but I enjoyed it anyway.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 12
eldave1
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 11:47am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6534
Posts Per Day
2.39
You get an A ++++ for cleverness in terms of the premise. I foking love the premise.

The opening dialogue is pedestrian - it's kind of out of tone with the story - not sure how else to say it. e,g, this:


Quoted Text
SUITED DEMOCRAT
Joining his father Teddy Kennedy and
his uncle John F Kennedy in holding
the highest office in the land.


Is never something a politician would say at a celebratory event - it would work a lot better if this was a news cast - with the anchor explaining things as the election party plays in the background. i.e,

ANCHOR
President elect Patrick Kennedy approaches the lectern. In a moment, he'll be making an acceptance speech. One made by his father before him, President Ted Kennedy and his..


Anyway - dialogue was the only part I didn't care for. I love the premise



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 12
Fais85
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
India
Posts
190
Posts Per Day
0.18
Haha... Loved the twist. Very funny. Job well done.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 12
jayrex
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1422
Posts Per Day
0.25
This all works with the ending.  What I would say is, this character they follow.  I'm sure he'd have protection since he's the son of the potential president.  This one meets the criteria.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 12
Warren
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3566
Posts Per Day
1.73
Hi writer,


Quoted Text
The person sat at this desk is obscured from view by the
large leather chair he's sat in.


It may be right, but it reads a bit awkwardly.

I think a political script will immediately alienate some of your readers.


Quoted Text
HIDDEN REPUBLICAN (O.C.)


Two things, there needs to be some other way to show that this guy is a republican if itís important. Also (O.C.) is more of a sitcom thing (O.S.) would be more appropriate. Everyone will still know what you mean.


Quoted Text
TIME CHAMBER


I think for clarity in the story it would be good to replicate this in a SUPER.


Quoted Text
He pointedly stares at Benson's erect nipples.
She pointedly stares at his shrivelled genitalia.


If you write it we see it, do you actually want us to see this? I'm not sure...


Quoted Text
He points at the '67 Chevy Impala.
He grabs pants and a shirt from the line, she follows suit.
BENSON
Shoes?
LEE
Recon shifters said there were boots
in the trunk of the car.
He walks over and pops the trunk. Multiple pairs of boots,
various blankets, fishing gear and an ice box vie for space.
He throws her a pair as he steps into his own.


I'd work on changing the perspective from which you are writing, see how most sentences start with "He", that can make the script read like a list. Sometimes it isnít possible, other times just reverting back to the characterís name will change it up enough.

Same issue here:


Quoted Text
He pumps the brakes but nothing happens.
He stamps on them, still nothing.
He spins the wheel to avoid the broken down Chevrolet.


The broken down car feels like a bit of a stretch.

I think everyone has had their fill of Trump.

Criteria maybe just scrapes in, the writing needs a fair bit of work. Story, just okay for me.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 12
LC
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 12:03am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6197
Posts Per Day
1.27
This particular vernacular points to a Brit writer:

The person sat at this desk is obscured from view by the
large leather chair he's sat in.


Just saying...

Great premise, enjoyable read. I won't nitpick.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 12
Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 7:40am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1463
Posts Per Day
1.23
Hello writer

Materialized next to some laundry - that was handy. Ah, seems like the items have been placed there, well done.

A saw doesn't seem like the right tool for the job... but you know, criteria, so I'll let it slide.

Criteria met, clever use of the breakdown requirement I thought.

Being British and knowing almost nothing about American politics, I'm probably not going to enjoy it as much as others. Why is Patrick Kennedy becoming president a bad thing?

Ok, so I googled this accident and saw it was a real event - So we start the story in an alternate timeline to our own, and they go back, cause the accident, and come back to the timeline that we (the audience) know - with twatface Trump as president.
My question is - Why would this accident affect whether Ted Kennedy would become president or not? is it a sin's of the father kind of deal? anyway, moving on...

I was really enjoying this, it was well written, flowed nicely and the story was interesting (probably even more interesting for American readers) - but, going against other reviewers, the ending let it down for me - it kinda shifted the whole thing into satire and a different tone of comedy thjan what I experienced earlier on.

Overall though, cracking job, inventive and well written





Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 12
Spqr
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.10
The time controllers donít want Patrick Kennedy II elected president, so they send back a team to kill Ted Kennedy? But they screw up and kill an innocent woman which ruins T.K.ís chances for the presidency. So they sort of succeed in their mission. Only when they return to their present, theyíre dismayed to find out Trump is now president. So now they want a do-over?

Time travel stories can get complicated, and this one was no exception. The motivation for going back in time canít be left up to conjecture, the way you can in some genres, because time travel stories are already inherently confusing. And thatís the problem with this story. What exactly were they trying to accomplish? And why?

Benson and Lee come off as mere cogs in the time travel machine. Their dialogue is process oriented, rather than informative: ďRecon shifters said there were boots in the trunk of the car.Ē Recon shifters is a good term, but the dialogue doesnít advance or inform the narrative. They would have been better off discussing what they hoped to accomplish, or why their mission was so important.

The script has darkly comedic possibilities, but it needs more clarity.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 12
JEStaats
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1635
Posts Per Day
0.82
Interesting that a writer from across the pond wrote this (assumption) since we have had many comments in the past regarding knowledge of this type of historical events.  Chappaquiddick will always be a travesty and have conspiracy theories associated with it. But I haven't heard THIS one before - good job, writer!

Let's just hope that by the time we have time travel, they've also taken the time to consider alternate potential outcomes.

With a bit of rework, this could be a nice piece of work.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 12
PrussianMosby
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 9:35am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1402
Posts Per Day
0.47
The Bridge

I must admit I wasn't sure that Benson can be used as a female name and that confused me a few times here. Imo you then should be careful with using the "other person's" personal pronoun after the dialogue (btw I wouldn't ever do this anyway; to me, the personal pronoun belongs to the foregone character's dialogue only and always).

However, that's nitpicky, secondary stuff, because otherwise, the read is tidy and flows well.

The saw was rather weak but you were strong in the genre so surely I'll let it pass on the criteria side.

The story was not overly exciting but quite okay considering the tough parameters.

I especially liked that the time shifter guys can't remember the assignment of the travelers, which actually solves the time travel paradox. Good job.

@ spend at least a minute on your logline ;-)



Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 12
ReneC
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1395
Posts Per Day
0.37
Ah, fan fiction. A lovely little trip down fantasy lane.

Not bad writing, it just didn't grab me. It had the vibe of a joke from the start.

I did like that you went the obvious route with the saw (to disable the car for the other criteria) but also that their own car broke down and also perpetrated the plot. Nice way to weave it all together.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 12
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006