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The 'electronics wiped out' in your logline accounts for the vehicle breakdown but you're playing very loose with the parameters imho.
Written very nicely in a certain lyrical (& recognisable now?) trademark style.
I think you'll score well because you are consistently good but neither the object nor the location (there are so many locations) for this one were front and centre for me.
Edit: Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here. Will see how the votes tally. No offence meant btw, I was rather loose with the parameters of one of my own in a previous round but perhaps too strict on myself when it came to three scripts I had mapped out (and ditched) for this round.
I think in the end with parameters verging on silly, it may be best to play a little loose and come up with a decent script.
Keep in mind that the location and object should be integral to your script (the script can't exist without them), but that doesn't mean your entire script has to take place in that location or that object has to appear in every scene.
Reading that you canít possibly feel that you used the car with the intent it was meant. In this script it is just one of many locations. Anyway, enough about that.
Good world building. The dialogue doesnít work, its OTN and expositional for the most part.
An idea that is definitely worth developing outside of the challenge where you are free to expand past the given criteria.
There is a lot to like about this. It is vivid for sure and the world building is well done.
I don't mind VOs - but these needed to be used differently IMO.
I'd open with her and Frank in the car (btw - this would reinforce the broken down car requirement more - you barely skate by on this) and do the VO as she is telling her story to Frank on how she got there. i.e., the VO is a tool she is use to communicate info to Frank rather than to communicate exposition to us.
My first thought was this was very well-written. Very nice descriptions- a very visual piece. Good easily picture the action.
My second thought was that you were pushing the envelope on the parameters as far as the broken down car was concerned. Were the cars she came across broken down or just abandoned? We donít really know.
Letting that slide by, Iím of the same mind as Dave here. Have her meet Frank to start with and you dispense with the voice overs and have them communicating what happened through natural dialogue. Much more enjoyable that way.
I assume by the ending that she went out in search of more people because she was so lonely. Wasnít entirely clear on that.
Good job here. Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Solid writing here. The atmosphere, the character, the tone, everything is captured perfectly.
But in the next scene, it's morning when alien attacks MICHAEL!
So are the aliens only afraid of night lights or I have misunderstood something?
Impossible... it's a logic hole. Plants don't see green light, because they reflect it... so flowering plants can have green night lights and not think the sun has come up (plants don't sleep). The aliens being white may work... however, even then, they would be fine beneath artificial light too.
One has to be careful with sci-fi... this is where the adage 'write what you know' comes in.
The VO is killing me. 'When the power was snuffed out.' is such a yacky (col.) line. This charcater is so dull. It is written as well as can be expected in the timeframe from a technical standpoint. However, the VO is dull and just too expository.
Well, it seems the aliens are actually black, so would absorb all light within the visible spectrum. However, is it possible that they don't like the lights for the reason given in the story? Yes... it actually is. However, if we take the example of the 'moth'. Moths are nocturnal creatures and are only attracted to the lights at night because they have evolved to use the light of the moon to fly in a straight line. Artificial lights get in the way of that process.
For these Aliens to be attracted to night lights, they would have to be low-light-living creatures with no real awareness or technology - else they'd simply devise ways around it.
I skipped to the end to pick up the information from the story as the VO was just too much to read. It's not the actual VO that's the problem... it is the dialogue within it.
Well-executed story of survival in a hostile environment. Alien invaders add an extra layer of danger, but theyíre not vital to this story. Bethís V.O. monologue is solid and keeps the story moving forward. Too bad the interaction with Michael was so short-lived, but Beth is tough and will doubtless continue kicking ass on her way to join the other survivors.
Aliens messed with the atmosphere which has seriously cooled the planet... so why would she head north? logic tells me that if the north is cold now, in this world it would be unbearably cold, why not head south where it would presumably be warmer?
I was getting slightly bored until halfway through page 3 - after that, I enjoyed it for the most part.
I didn't enjoy the V.O though - was the idea that she is reading aloud the letter she was writing at the end? I would change it up to make it a bit more interesting - slowed things down and was a bit dull to read.
Interesting world, one that could easily be expanded upon to create a great story so I hope you don't abandon this after the tourny.