SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 22nd, 2022, 9:48am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  The Cold Invasion - WT5 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Cold Invasion - WT5  (currently 522 views)
Don
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15124
Posts Per Day
1.97
The Cold Invasion by A Fellow Human - After aliens wipe out all electronics, one woman braves wildlife, freezing cold, and the invaders to survive alone. - Short, Sci fi


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
LC
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6197
Posts Per Day
1.27
The 'electronics wiped out' in your logline accounts for the vehicle breakdown but you're playing very loose with the parameters imho.

Written very nicely in a certain lyrical (& recognisable now?) trademark style.

I think you'll score well because you are consistently good but neither the object nor the location (there are so many locations) for this one were front and centre for me.

Edit: Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here. Will see how the votes tally. No offence meant btw, I was rather loose with the parameters of one of my own in a previous round but perhaps too strict on myself when it came to three scripts I had mapped out (and ditched) for this round.

I think in the end with parameters verging on silly, it may be best to play a little loose and come up with a decent script.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  July 2nd, 2019, 9:53pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 14
Warren
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 12:46am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3566
Posts Per Day
1.73
Hi writer,


Quoted Text
When the power was snuffed out, I
lost everything. All that was left
was to survive the deep freeze.
Whatever the aliens did to the
atmosphere was turning the planet
into a giant snowball.


Exposition through dialogue, especially through a V.O. can be hit and miss.

I really hope that tiny-and-completely-unimportant-to-the-story stop in the truck isnít your 'location'.


Quoted Text
The strange aurora turns the landscape green and purple.


PANA1457

One of the best things I've ever seen.


Quoted Text
BETH (V.O.)
The aliens donít like the lights.
It attracts them like moths. It
makes them nervous.


Again, spoon feeding us the story.


Quoted Text
MICHAEL
I, uh...thanks. For getting them
off me. I didnít see them until it
was too late. Would have been a
goner but for this car. Damn lucky
it wasnít locked. I made it just
in the nick of time.


OTN.


Quoted Text
The emotion
is almost too much for both of them.


Whatís happening visually to show this?

I'm finished. Youíre a good writer that is pushing the limits of the criteria way too far.


Quoted from Mr. Blonde
Keep in mind that the location and object should be integral to your script (the script can't exist without them), but that doesn't mean your entire script has to take place in that location or that object has to appear in every scene.


Reading that you canít possibly feel that you used the car with the intent it was meant. In this script it is just one of many locations. Anyway, enough about that.

Good world building. The dialogue doesnít work, its OTN and expositional for the most part.

An idea that is definitely worth developing outside of the challenge where you are free to expand past the given criteria.

Very well written.

All the best



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  July 4th, 2019, 7:48pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 14
PKCardinal
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 11:17am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1112
Posts Per Day
0.75
Started off really strong. A bit heavy on the dialogue exposition... but, that's the danger of VO. You use it because you need it, but the fact you need it is usually a negative.

Still, very well written.

Good job.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 14
eldave1
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 11:35am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6534
Posts Per Day
2.39
There is a lot to like about this. It is vivid for sure and the world building is well done.

I don't mind VOs - but these needed to be used differently  IMO.

I'd open with her and Frank in the car (btw - this would reinforce the broken down car requirement more - you barely skate by on this) and do the VO as she is telling her story to Frank on how she got there. i.e., the VO is a tool she is use to communicate info to Frank rather than to communicate exposition to us.

Solid work - especially for 3 days.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 14
Gary in Houston
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1188
Posts Per Day
0.36
My first thought was this was very well-written.  Very nice descriptions- a very visual piece. Good easily picture the action.

My second thought was that you were pushing the envelope on the parameters as far as the broken down car was concerned. Were the cars she came across broken down or just abandoned?  We donít really know.

Letting that slide by, Iím of the same mind as Dave here. Have her meet Frank to start with and you dispense with the voice overs and have them communicating what happened through natural dialogue. Much more enjoyable that way.

I assume by the ending that she went out in search of more people because she was so lonely. Wasnít entirely clear on that.  

Good job here.  Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 14
JEStaats
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1635
Posts Per Day
0.82
Beth - Fastest draw in the West! She wields that darn saw like a Ninja! Butchering, cuttin' firewood, fightin' off wolves...one badass chickaroo!

Definitely met the challenge with the saw but pretty darn thin ice re: broken down vehicle.

OTN/Expo aside, very good writing and thoughtful story. Good job, writer.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 14
Fais85
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 1:36am Report to Moderator
New



Location
India
Posts
190
Posts Per Day
0.18
Solid writing here. The atmosphere, the character, the tone, everything is captured perfectly.


Quoted Text
The aliens donít like the lights.
It attracts them like moths. It
makes them nervous.


But in the next scene, it's morning when alien attacks MICHAEL!

So are the aliens only afraid of night lights or I have misunderstood something?

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 14
Dustin
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 2:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5128
Posts Per Day
1.65

Quoted from Fais85
Solid writing here. The atmosphere, the character, the tone, everything is captured perfectly.



But in the next scene, it's morning when alien attacks MICHAEL!

So are the aliens only afraid of night lights or I have misunderstood something?



Impossible... it's a logic hole. Plants don't see green light, because they reflect it... so flowering plants can have green night lights and not think the sun has come up (plants don't sleep). The aliens being white may work... however, even then, they would be fine beneath artificial light too.

One has to be careful with sci-fi... this is where the adage 'write what you know' comes in.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 14
Dustin
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 2:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5128
Posts Per Day
1.65
The VO is killing me. 'When the power was snuffed out.' is such a yacky (col.) line. This charcater is so dull. It is written as well as can be expected in the timeframe from a technical standpoint. However, the VO is dull and just too expository.

Well, it seems the aliens are actually black, so would absorb all light within the visible spectrum. However, is it possible that they don't like the lights for the reason given in the story? Yes... it actually is. However, if we take the example of the 'moth'. Moths are nocturnal creatures and are only attracted to the lights at night because they have evolved to use the light of the moon to fly in a straight line. Artificial lights get in the way of that process.

For these Aliens to be attracted to night lights, they would have to be low-light-living creatures with no real awareness or technology - else they'd simply devise ways around it.

I skipped to the end to pick up the information from the story as the VO was just too much to read. It's not the actual VO that's the problem... it is the dialogue within it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 14
Spqr
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.10
Well-executed story of survival in a hostile environment. Alien invaders add an extra layer of danger, but theyíre not vital to this story. Bethís V.O. monologue is solid and keeps the story moving forward. Too bad the interaction with Michael was so short-lived, but Beth is tough and will doubtless continue kicking ass on her way to join the other survivors.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 14
Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 7:41am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1463
Posts Per Day
1.23
Hello writer

Aliens messed with the atmosphere which has seriously cooled the planet... so why would she head north? logic tells me that if the north is cold now, in this world it would be unbearably cold, why not head south where it would presumably be warmer?

I was getting slightly bored until halfway through page 3 - after that, I enjoyed it for the most part.

I didn't enjoy the V.O though - was the idea that she is reading aloud the letter she was writing at the end? I would change it up to make it a bit more interesting - slowed things down and was a bit dull to read.

Interesting world, one that could easily be expanded upon to create a great story so I hope you don't abandon this after the tourny.

Good work for the final round, well done



Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 14
AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
3863
Posts Per Day
1.29
Loved the tone to this, really nice world building on display.

Despatching Michael so quickly was brutal - good!

Not covinced there a really broken down car in here, but everything else is great.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 14
PrussianMosby
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 9:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1402
Posts Per Day
0.47
The Cold Invasion

good logline

Strongest script so far, super tidy and a pleasure to follow.

Cars and saws felt a little written into it but ((wo)(man)), this is writing a genre in a sincere way, so it surely passes. Very good!



Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 14
jayrex
Posted: July 11th, 2019, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1422
Posts Per Day
0.25
Not bad, pretty good story.  Some nice lines.  Easy enough to read.  I felt the bleakness.  This one meets the criteria.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 14
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006