Duel in the Desert by Hermann Buhl - Never invade a planet whose inhabitants are crazier than you. - Short, Sci Fi

Hi writer,

Quoted Text NEVADA DESERT

If this particular location is important put it in a SUPER.

Quoted Text The Charger is the epitome of the American musclecar era, its 426 Hemi pumping out twice as many horses as Custer had at Little Bighorn

None of this belongs in a script, not even as an aside or unfilmable, it just has no place.

Quoted Text CARLOS and CHARLIE are identical twins in their early 20s.

Unnessesarly overwritten.

The dialogue needs some work, it's not natural at all.

Quoted Text P0V

POV with a O not a zero.

This needs work all round. I don't really think it's one worth persuing after the WT. I put it down to the tough parameters, but this was a tough read.

All the best.

Touches of humour. I liked the: 'I do have half the brains' line.
You put your thinking cap on too for why the handsaw and not much else was available in the trunk, so good job there.

I liked the vibe and the doofus characters - Bill & Ted types. The story itself is not going to set the world on fire, but hey, you did it!

DUEL IN THE DESERT

What can I say: It tried but couldn't truly deliver. No shame in this challenge. Some parts were amusing. Solid work. Criteria were met.

This was funny. Meets the criteria.

Loved the TWINS. Unexpected ending. Lol.

This one missed for me. I appreciate the attempt at humor - but it didn't land for me.

This:

Quoted Text The Charger is the epitome of the American musclecar era, its 426 Hemi pumping out twice as many horses as Custer had at Little Bighorn. And it needs every one to outrun the UFO.

Totally uneeded

Okay, it met the parameters. I think.  I guess the car is disabled.

This was very hit and miss for me.  The humor was okay, a little over the top in places, but most of it just fell flat.  But it had its moments and the idea of them eating the alien was really an interesting surprise.

One thing you did a lot of (actually WAY too much of) was capitalizing words that didn't need it. Like when you introduced a song -- none of that need's full on caps.  Just say:  It’s blasting Norman Greenbaum’s song "Spirit in the Sky."

You also capitalize a lot of action where you don't need it.  For example:  He SHIFTS INTO TOP GEAR AND FLOORS THE PEDAL and the Charger surges forward.

Why?  You're calling our attention to it, but unnecessarily so.  A pretty good rule of thumb is to leave the all caps for sound effects or a word that really needs particular attention.  When you overuse it, the caps lose their effectiveness.

Overall, not a bad story, just overwritten for my taste.

Best of luck and congrats on finishing the Challenge!

Gary

Hey, Writer. Sorry to say, but this was a slog to get through. It's just so overwritten. Lots of awkward descriptions. Dialog isn't too great, either.

I'll give you points for originality. Otherwise, this one just didn't click with me.

Congrats on getting something into the final round.

Awesome, the Great Basin desert. No better place to get away from it all.

Hmmm...not sure an EMP would effect a 1970 Dodge Charger. Survey says?

Great characters. Dialog was hit and miss for me. Met the challenge but the story was weak

Hellooooo writer

"The DODGE CHARGER" - Ahhhh not "the", use "a". So simple but since it was the very first thing I read it through me off - I'll chalk it up to the limited timeframe, but that's strike 1 lol

"the UFO.".... strike 2

Quoted Text The Charger is the epitome of the American musclecar era, its 426 Hemi pumping out twice as many horses as Custer had at Little Bighorn. And it needs every one to outrun the UFO.

This is the epitome of over-writing... in a challenge with a time and page limit, why write more than you have to?

The mention of Fu Manchu gives me De Je Vu

why do YOU cap RANDOM WORDS throughout THIS? can you SEE how DISTRACTING this is?

Holy hell I'm still on the first page lol You seem more comfortable writing prose than screenplay style - do you write novels by any chance?

The POV is pointless - Plus, you say "POV - THE TRUNK" which to me means the camera is in the trunk looking out, but then your descriptions don't support that.

Alright, I'm done - Cutting through the overwriting and the in my face CAPITALS and there is a fun story here.

I like the twins, although at times their personalities feel forced, same as their dialogue.

The story needs polishing, the hint at the aliens still in the craft was intriguing - and possibly funny - could have been that the aliens just wanted to make contact but the numbskulls murdered one and ate him, and then we could have had the visual of the others cowering in the spacecraft.

Good effort

Matt

Well, I kinda liked this... had a sort of comedy Close Encounters feel to it, even down to the description of the UFO.

CARLOS
I don’t think the Area 51 guys are
gonna like us eating Mr Ugly.

CHARLIE
Fuck ‘em

That me me laugh.

And it certainly went in a different way with the ending, didn't see that coming but I liked it.

Decent effort.

Carlos and Charlie are the same name in different languages. Is that for comedic effect?
The spaceship has no external weapons other than an "ENP"? Suppose it was necessary to make the comedy work.
They're just going to EAT that? It's from another freaking planet! Probably not even FDA inspected!
Nice funny take on the parameters.

I get the feeling you were high when you wrote this.  Or maybe drunk.  It wasn't a fun read.  It was whacky. Odd.  In the words of Mister Wonderful, you should take this script behind the barn and shoot it.