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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Loophole - WT5 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Loophole - WT5  (currently 673 views)
Don
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Loophole by Anonymoust 75 - Two old men have a very bad plan. But, it just might work. - Short, Sci Fi


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Warren
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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And we're off.

Hi writer,

Not personally a fan of underlining dialogue, but I know some people are.

You’re telling us a lot of the mechanics of this story through dialogue.


Quoted Text
YOUNG ARNIE
... Your Uncle Gus would be dead.
Because, in New Lake Placid, the
law states: Everyone in the city
gets the serum.


I think this script really struggles because of the page count, there is obviously a lot of back story here, most of which is delivered through dialogue. I think it would have been better if you spent more time on the story and less time on the action of launching the car (almost 3 pages).

Not bad, not great, definitely met the criteria.

All the best.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 4:34am Report to Moderator
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LOOPHOLE

The dialogue feels passive and the storyline fragmentary and erratic. Specifically, to me, the Int. Ext. shots in the middle felt confusing because it wasn't clear if it's the same overall situation.

The car was actually used as a functioning vehicle until the end, and the descriptions just tried to write it into the criteria and imply that it's broken down yet (rusty etc.) but in the end it was there to get catapulted into the city like a rocket, so the criteria weren't met



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Zack
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 9:19am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Pretty wacky story. At first I was very confused, but the ending made it more clear for me.

The writing itself isn't bad, but IMO isn't nearly visual enough.

Criteria is met. Good job.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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eldave1
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Criteria met.

Again - a solid effort for three days. I amazed at how well all of you are doing given the number of rounds and the short time frames.

This one is going to be somewhere in the middle of the pack for me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fais85
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Good job. Met the criteria. I agree with Dave. This will be somewhere in the middle.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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It's actually not a bad story -- old guys looking for the fountain of youth, so to speak, and willing to risk their lives to make it happen.  A bit over the top but that's okay.  Concerned that the sci-fi is a little too light for the criteria, but I'll let that pass.

My main issue with it is that it spent so much time at the beginning on expository dialogue that I was ready to ditch by page two.  I think the whole half page spent with the kid at the beginning could be scrapped and you just start with the story of them on the ski jump.  Then when you end it, you still have the impact you're looking for.  Maybe you could spend a little more time developing the serum component -- show old people being turned away from the city at the beginning, we don't know why, and then we're with Arnie and Gus on the ski jump.  Now I'm intrigued.  Why are all these people trying to get in the city?

Still, not a bad effort at all.  Best of luck and congrats on finishing the Challenge!

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Spqr
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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This is a pretty elaborate way to break into a city. Which is what makes it so much fun. Solid story, really nice characters, and a good flow to the action. I would have liked a little of the backstory on how Gus and Arnie ended up being the outsiders, and why the city won’t allow them in. Well done.
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JEStaats
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I'm surprised how much I liked this. I had no idea what was going on and where it was going but, since it was such an odd premise, I kept reading. The ending wraps it up nicely.

The characters need more depth. They're both just young and old versions of guy 1 and guy 2.

Met the criteria and was an decent story.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 6th, 2019, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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Last read of the tournament... no pressure but this better be good  

... and it is good hallelujah

I really like it - the characters and dialogue are top-notch. The story of two rebellious old men with a harebrained scheme to break into a futuristic, but obviously fussy, city to get some kind of youth serum... it's relatable, and it was an enjoyable journey - My heart dropped when I thought Gus had died.

This could do with being a bit longer - draw out the Gus dying scene a bit, make the jump itself seem like it was going to fail, heighten the tension - looks like they are going to plow into the wall, but just skim the top.

The relationship between the two characters is kinda sweet.

Well done writer



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FrankM
Posted: July 6th, 2019, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Typically the way we first see the character is their "normal" state, then we'd see "Old Arnie." Also, Justin has dialogue before being intro'd.
Jet engine and rocket engine are two different things.
It's annoying having two people intimately familiar with a plan go over it "one more time" for the audience, but it's a common enough sin that no points off.
A nice take on legal loopholes, though it's not obvious how they'd know about said loophole.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 6th, 2019, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this, an unsual take on things and I thought initially the car was going to be a time-travel device, so when you went a different way I appreciated that it exceeded my expectations.

I feel there's more that could be helpful from an explanation of the serum. but it's hard to get it into 5 pages so I'd consider adding it in a re-write.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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khamanna
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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You lose my attention by page 3 because you don't explain much up until very late into the story. I think that the first ambiguous page is enough. But with more you start losing your audience.
It's still a good story as it grew on me.
The dialog was good. I enjoyed the way they talked to each other.
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jayrex
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's alright.  You really have to stay with it until the end to see the Sci-Fi part.  Tokyo is futuristic compared to London, so writing futuristic didn't make it Sci-Fi to me.  And drones are fairly common nowadays.

The criteria has been met.


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