A Crystal Ball Clouded by Gypsy Rose Lee - Western, Engagement Ring, Fortune Teller, Cave.

how exciting, a western with a fortune teller

I rather liked that.

the cave was a little forced, but actually I think you've brought it together pretty well

there was some minor formatting stuff, as I expect in most including mine - who cares

script wise, I wouldn't bother with him leaving and returning - nothing really happened in between and it just broke the tension.

that aside, sound entry

well done

Hi Writer,

As previously stated, I hate westerns but will give it a red hot go.

Quoted Text By the light of a lantern, a MAN and WOMAN pack up more goods ready to remove. They are: FLOYD(30) tall, handsome, dressed in a neat suit, and MARIA(25) blonde, attractive, wearing a riding skirt and smart jacket.

Could the character descriptions be more generic, tall/handsome, blonde/attractive. You have to give us a bit more than that.

When did this trend start to overuse the ellipse in action, this is the 3rd or 4th script I've read like this.

Quoted Text . I can only__

I'd use an em dash here to show the interrupted dialogue. I can only --

I don't like the style of writing, it really affects the read for me. The story was okay, I'm just never going to be a fan of a western. My problem, not yours.

All the best.

Huge western fan here so I'm a tough customer...and this being my first read too! Lucky you.

Meets the challenge and all requisite bits and bots include. Nice story you weaved - Kudos. Always a fan of the carpet baggers and flim flam professionals of the old west. A couple punctuation issues but overall no complaints

The dialogue was a bit overwritten and didn't ring true for me. If you spoke it out loud it would come across very robotic and forced. Clean that up and it would read much better.


Good job writer, I enjoyed it.

I'd say you hit all the criteria perfectly.

My only issue was picturing the cave and who was where in the beginning, but after re-reading it I was able to put it together.

I think this is the best one I've read so far.

Well done.

Hey writer,

Check on all the items, and check on the theme. That's huge.

I thought it was a little awkwardly written in places and the dialogue's a bit expository, but I almost gasped when the young man related all that sadness and tragedy about his fiance and her family. So great job on that.

This was a strong entry.

AJR

Liked this one, all the criteria met and none felt forced, in fact cleverly integrated.

Tone worked for me too, felt Western which isn't easy.

Minor criticism, don't see any real need for Tom to leave and come back... breaks the flow a little.

Good job overall though.

Brutal story that used the criteria very well. Could almost have been under Crime genre but the Western works well with the variables.

Formatting was good and it flowed pretty well.

The story is there and it meets all the criteria.
The theme is well presented here.

And it works as a western.

Not sure if this one for me though. The fact that Tom narrates about Sadie and we don't get to see her diminishes the impact for me.  

He suddenly leaves. Then gives them the gun. I don't know why these choices.

But the story is together and all.

I think you could spend less than one page on the initial description of things. It's cave. it's dark. I don't know why to say much more. But that's a nitpick, just vocalizing my thoughts.

Why are some slugs in bold and not others?
Anyway, the theme works well, the setting. Well done in these areas.
Not sure why Tom left and came back. What was the point? Lots of talk and exposition, some of it hits some of it misses. But it worked overall.

Nice job.

Ticks all the criteria for me and nicely written, easy to follow.

What is lacking for me is originality. There's nothing here I've not seen a thousand times before in every genre imaginable. It's a simple revenge story. Bad guys robs people, one of the victims makes them pay. The way he does it isn't even any different, he simply points a shotgun at them and lets them do all the rest. He's just lucky one of them breaks a leg. If they hadn't, he may have actually had to take some action!

The above comment may seem sarcastic and I'm sorry if it seems that way. There is talent here in the writing and you've met the criteria well, I would just suggest you try giving the story a bit of an original spin to take it up to the next level.

-Mark

I liked the writing for the most part... but, it's just loaded with exposition. We see none of the major story points that lead to this. We only see the outcome.

We're told that they steal. We're told that his fiance lost the baby, the father died, she committed suicide. Hell, we're even told why they're trapped: "I got a new job working for this town..."

I get that you're telling the story of this moment, and I understand you only have 5 pages. I just would have liked to see you weave some of those other elements in visually.

Good effort. Could have been great.

Well done. Good characters, good dialogue, good story.

Nice opening... You get right in there with the suspense. Visuals, great.
Great easy dialogue befitting a Western.

I do wonder if you could find another reason for him to hurry off a bit better than this choice:

I have things to attend to. I’ll be
back in an hour or so.

I'm not quite sure what - maybe gunfire in the distance, maybe make him a Sheriff?
I could be way off...

Along that line I'd delete ' I got a new job', it's not necessary and a bit much.

And, thinking about it... It could be a bit of overload with Pa and Sadie. One of them enough?


Overall though, no complaints here. Great little story and I believe you hit all the marks.
Well done, you!

Hi, love a good western and a revenge flick do this did it for me. Emotional, maybe overly so, a lot of angst and pain foisted upon one person in the space of a day seemed a bit much but certainly possible.
Dialogue was good and the imagery spot on.
Well done.