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Lines - WT2 - Optioned (currently 4337 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 12th, 2020, 10:40pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16561 Posts Per Day 1.92 |
Lines by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Anybody's Guess - Short, Thriller - A husband and wife face separate, deadly decisions. Writing Challenge there: "Blood is Thicker than Water" using Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - September 9th, 2022, 7:29pm | I had the fucking title wrong all these years and nobody bothered to tell me? Ouch! nlm ;) | | |
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stevie |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 2:56am |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3433 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Oh nice work! I was digging this and wondering - and hoping - it didn't end lamely. And I wasn't disappointed. Loved the use of the ketchup packets! There was a bit of vagueness to the actual story but it gave the script a noir type feel. An early fave |
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LC |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 7:58am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7862 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Haha! What a switcheroo. I loved everything except this line: She’s my blood. My angel. Just sounded like you wanted to make sure we got that along with the theme.
Suspenseful and clever and funny as well. And cleverly met the criteria. Nice one. |
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FrankM |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 11:47am |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1446 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
I like this one but don't have much to say about it. I'd make it a tad clearer that some time passed between getting in the car and the shots ringing out.
Good use of all the variables here. Steve and Leslie have "blood" vs. "water" moments but only if you consider marriage to be water. I think it counts. |
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Geezis |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 1:40pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts407 Posts Per Day 0.24 |
Hi,
A tidy story and a fantastic ending. Just thought it was a bit fortunate Leslie happened to look in a toolbox to find a loaded gun. Interplay between Leslie and Stella was great but Steve was a bit of a caricature. I liked this story a lot.
Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 4 - 55 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 2:16pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4367 Posts Per Day 1.10 |
Apart from some overly convenient coincidences I thought this was very good.
Seen the Ketchup used that way before but I still didn't spot it coming - good job!
She's my blood. Too OTN but a minor quibble.
Good job |
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khamanna |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 4:55pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4222 Posts Per Day 0.77 |
After the first scene it started reading a lot matter-of-factly. Almost like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. And then coincidetal "let's check on your dad" didn't help. But the fact she overheard the convo between her husband and the thugs and what they decided to do was quite a pay off. And everyone got what they deserved. So overall I liked it a lot. Let's see how I rate it at the end. |
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Reply: 6 - 55 |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 3:55am |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2609 Posts Per Day 0.55 |
Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop
Lots to love in this and I liked the writing.
I have to say I struggled with the ketchup blood moment
This could be a sound short with a few more pages and time.
Decent effort. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 5:44am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2326 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
That was great. My fav so far. I love the characters of Leslie and Stella, you build up a bond between them so well in such a short time.
There's so much white space!! This, ladies and gentlemen (and those currently undecided) is how you write a screenplay that reads eloquently and says so much with so few words.
And I think it wins the best award for the use of an item (Ketchup packets) so far.
My hat is off to you, top work.
-Mark |
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JEStaats |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 11:50am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1733 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Nice reveal. And I thought you were just doing the old shoehorn with the ketchup packets. Best use of an object so far during this little tourney!
No complaints - Good work, writer. |
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Spqr |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 7:07pm |
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Posts478 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Powerful. Solid characters. Good plot. Good pace. And it proves the antithesis of the theme. |
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Warren |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 9:08pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3890 Posts Per Day 1.28 |
Great writing and hits all the beats it needs to.
Nothing else to say really. |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 9:14pm |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 9:25pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1079 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
Wow. Damn you, writer!! How dare you write something so freakin good during this crazy challenge!!
So first, I hate you.
Second...this was so good. Everything about it was good. And the ketchup packets! Damn you!
Easy win here. Excellent job. |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 9:41am |
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That is quite good, I must say.
Bravo! |
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