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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2020 Writers' Tournament  ›  Lines - WT2 - Optioned Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Lines - WT2 - Optioned  (currently 1876 views)
Don
Posted: July 12th, 2020, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lines by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Anybody's Guess - Short, Thriller - A husband and wife face separate, deadly decisions.

Writing Challenge there: "Blood is Thicker than Water" using Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 9th, 2022, 7:29pm
I had the fucking title wrong all these years and nobody bothered to tell me?  Ouch! nlm ;)
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stevie
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 2:56am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Oh nice work! I was digging this and wondering - and hoping - it didn't end lamely. And I wasn't disappointed. Loved the use of the ketchup packets!  There was a bit of vagueness to the actual story but it gave the script a noir type feel.  An early fave



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LC
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Haha! What a switcheroo. I loved everything except this line:
She’s my blood. My angel. Just sounded like you wanted to make sure we got that along with the theme.

Suspenseful and clever and funny as well. And cleverly met the criteria.
Nice one.


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FrankM
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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I like this one but don't have much to say about it. I'd make it a tad clearer that some time passed between getting in the car and the shots ringing out.

Good use of all the variables here. Steve and Leslie have "blood" vs. "water" moments but only if you consider marriage to be water. I think it counts.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Geezis
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Hi,

A tidy story and a fantastic ending. Just thought it was a bit fortunate Leslie happened to look in a toolbox to find a loaded gun.
Interplay between Leslie and Stella was great but Steve was a bit of a caricature.
I liked this story a lot.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Apart from some overly convenient coincidences I thought this was very good.

Seen the Ketchup used that way before but I still didn't spot it coming - good job!

She's my blood. Too OTN but a minor quibble.

Good job


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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khamanna
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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After the first scene it started reading a lot matter-of-factly. Almost like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. And then coincidetal "let's check on your dad" didn't help.
But the fact she overheard the convo between her husband and the thugs and what they decided to do was quite a pay off. And everyone got what they deserved.
So overall I liked it a lot. Let's see how I rate it at the end.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 3:55am Report to Moderator
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Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop

Lots to love in this and I liked the writing.

I have to say I struggled with the ketchup blood moment

This could be a sound short with a few more pages and time.

Decent effort.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 5:44am Report to Moderator
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That was great. My fav so far. I love the characters of Leslie and Stella, you build up a bond between them so well in such a short time.

There's so much white space!! This, ladies and gentlemen (and those currently undecided) is how you write a screenplay that reads eloquently and says so much with so few words.

And I think it wins the best award for the use of an item (Ketchup packets) so far.

My hat is off to you, top work.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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JEStaats
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Nice reveal. And I thought you were just doing the old shoehorn with the ketchup packets. Best use of an object so far during this little tourney!

No complaints - Good work, writer.
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Spqr
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Powerful. Solid characters. Good plot. Good pace. And it proves the antithesis of the theme.
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Warren
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Great writing and hits all the beats it needs to.

Nothing else to say really.


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Dreamscale
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
That was great. My fav so far. I love the characters of Leslie and Stella, you build up a bond between them so well in such a short time.

There's so much white space!! This, ladies and gentlemen (and those currently undecided) is how you write a screenplay that reads eloquently and says so much with so few words.

And I think it wins the best award for the use of an item (Ketchup packets) so far.

My hat is off to you, top work.

-Mark


Oh, Mark.  Now I have to read this one and see what you're talking about.

I will ASAP.  Shower, then dinner, then...this!!  
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mmmarnie
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. Damn you, writer!! How dare you write something so freakin good during this crazy challenge!!

So first, I hate you.

Second...this was so good. Everything about it was good. And the ketchup packets! Damn you!

Easy win here. Excellent job.


ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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That is quite good, I must say.

Bravo!
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