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Override - WT2 (currently 824 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 12th, 2020, 10:41pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16448 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Override by Isaac Asimov - Sci Fi: Migraine pills, Day Laborer, Museum |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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stevie |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 2:50am |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Crazy mix of variables to go in a sci fi, but it kind of works. Some good world and situation building in the 5 pages.
Some shoehorning with the migraine pills and day laborer but the theme is sort of captured. Good effort |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 8:01am |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
An entertaining and well written piece. Do we ever get tired of bad robots? No.
Townsend's line, "they did it"...a little ode to Planet of the Apes? And man...wish I could get up in the morning as easily as he pops out of that pod after 30+ years!
I like your take on the theme. Choosing human over robot. Like blood is thicker than robot oil.
Last line about migraine was a bit hokey, I thought. Other than that...this was a great piece. Great job writer!! |
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khamanna |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 9:50am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Nice little story.
It does resemble some of the Asimov stuff. Reminds me of Tales from the Loop. Watch it if you haven't, looks like it's something you would enjoy.
Two humans against the world of robots - blood is thicker than water.
Nice little story. Easy to follow and an easy read. Well written too. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 1:39pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
This is very well written and cracks along at a good pace.
I feel the criteria are sort of shoe-horned a little to say the least but they are all here.
Good job writer. |
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Geezis |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 2:14pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Hi,
This reminds of many many many low budget sci-fi movies I have watched over many years. Luckily that's the type of nonsense I happen to like. I felt the migraine was shoe horned and some of the back story could have been clearer, but overall I liked the script.
Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 4:23pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Love a dystopian future sci-fi. Can't go wrong with day-labor robots, right? You're writing is easy on the eyes and you build a very visual world. Good on ya!
Perhaps page length was an issue? Good banter between the soldier and robot but the guy's quick reanimation into a sprint was a little much.
Good work, writer. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 6:25pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Good job. Enjoyed the ride. In my mind, the robot isn't lubricated with oil... but, water. Really brings the theme home. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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LC |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 1:36am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7635 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Aha! I wonder...
Anyway, I loved it. Very well done and well written. The only thing I wasn't fond of was the last line. I think you thought, ooh, not enough migraine, better add a bit more. Not necessary.
Theme was definitely there. Another fine example of using tough variables to produce a fine piece of writing. Well done.
P.S. This had a Fallout feel to it. That's just by the by. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 5:53am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
A robot that gets paid, and a daily rate to boot!
Some nice world-building here. I feel the dialogue was a bit unnatural at times but you had a lot to get across in a few pages so this is understandable.
The guy choosing a human over a robot certainly ticks the theme for me. The pills, yeah shoehorned in but how else was you to get something like that in?
For me, it just ends right in the middle of something and isn't' quite there yet. You need a couple more pages at least but this was a very decent effort.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 3:12pm |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
Sci Fi: Migraine pills, Day Laborer, Museum
glad I didnt choose these criteria...
so, in the future, after a war, they discover an 'old'human, which clashes with the robots programming
I recall the film oblivion - different story - had a part like that. interesting clash and set up.
interesting twist on the 'blood thicker' element, seeing humanity as a family
story wise, just felt part of something bigger. almost the catalyst in a feature or break into act two type of scene
mind you, if you woke up to that, I would have a migraine to
all the best
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ajr |
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 6:42am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Hey writer,
I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, because you really had a difficult set of criteria, and I'm assuming you had no better choices than to use Sci-Fi.
I have to disagree with a lot of what was said here. It was absolutely competently and visually written, however when I look at the criteria: one, the day laborer. I give you huge marks for the gymnastics here, however if the robot (and not their owner?) is getting paid a day rate, you're assuming a robot economy. Does the robot need to buy food, clothing and shelter? Next, you have a person who's had a 30 year cryogenic sleep who went in with a migraine, and came out with a migraine. And I think there is almost zero theme here - there's no loyalty between Watts and the robot. So he chooses to deflect the robot's efforts long enough for a fellow human to escape.
So absent the parameters, do you have a marketable story? I think what we have here is an elaborate futuristic set where man and robot, after a plague, with mutants, find a cryo-pod. I don't think it's broken any new ground, and feels like the first 5 pages of a story rather than a short. And it's almost as if this wouldn't have been written if not for the criteria - it's been constructed purposely FOR the criteria, rather than a story that is supported by its own legs that incorporates the criteria, if that makes any sense.
Sorry, I hope that isn't too much. Again, full marks for creativity and for creating a nice visual world.
AJR |
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Spqr |
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 9:27am |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
I liked this story a lot. A robot built to military specs and operating according to the rules of a contract rather than the rules of war is hilarious. Could be a full script based on this concept. Of course, I couldn’t find a trace of the theme anywhere in this script. |
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Warren |
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 6:04pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
The dialogue is quite expositional.
Not going to mention the things I don't like about the style again, but they are there.
The dialogue on the last page is not good, on the nose and pretty cringe.
Some good world building, but this ultimately fell flat for me. An idea that's probably worth pursuing after the challenge with some reworked dialogue and the removal of the completely shoehorned migraine. |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 11:10pm |
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Guest User
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Uh...why was my last post deleted?
I asked a very straight forward question, and that was it.
Seriously? |
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LC |
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 11:26pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7635 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Don't look at me. I didn't even see it. Gotta eat lunch sometime. |
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Mr. Blonde |
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 11:35pm |
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AdministratorWhat good are choices if they're all bad?
LocationNowhere special. Posts3064 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
I don't believe in deleting comments. |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: July 16th, 2020, 9:09am |
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Guest User
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I don't believe in deleting comments. |
Somebody sure does. |
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