Legacy by Cool Hand Luke’s Egg - Money Clip, Mortician, Lawyer's Office - Short, Mystery

Title is very fitting. Theme fits well. Great use of the money clip too.

It was very dialog heavy but totally reminiscent of old mysteries...when it came time for the reveal. It was like one, long reveal but it's very hard to squeeze a mystery into 5 pages. The actual reveal was great. Nice twist.

This was definitely some heavy writing though. And please...turn off the (Cont'd) in your writing software.

I did have one question ... the mortician was also the person asked to run the experiment on Harold and Charles????

Best of luck, writer.

This one relies heavily on telling to tell us the story and to tell us directly the nature versus nurture aspect. This is understandable, 5 pages to cover everything, especially with a mystery is a lot to ask with visuals but it makes it less appealing.

All the boxes ticked. As for the twist.....well from what I've read Hitler didn't have any direct descendents and most of his family voluntarily sterilised themselves to end the bloodline. Maybe pick someone involved in the war but not the big guy himself? It makes it a bit more easier to swallow.

However, I just double-checked and found Hitler's father did have two children with another wife, William and Heinrich - so you could have used them for this.

-Mark

Very nice touches of humour here. You deftly weaved all the elements in and the theme was actually spelled out loud and clear.

If I had to say one thing it's that it's a bit wordy and expositional in parts and a bit dry but if I were you I'm not sure I'd find a way around that either, at the expense of imparting all the info.

Some nice surprising moments, and it hummed along nicely.

I liked it a lot.

This short is all about the last page. It's four pages of exposition/conversation all to set up the last two punches... like one of those super long jokes that end with a silly punchline that makes it all worth it.

There are a few instances of passive writing, but the main negative that stood out was the heavy-at-times dialogue.

Still, I enjoyed the script. Good job, overall.

A pretty talented family mortician/forensic/psychologist. An old Nazi doctor, perhaps? Your story expounded on the theme perfectly. A great example. Overall, it fits all the requirements nicely.

The only aspects I didn't like were dialogue and all the theatrics that went into telling the twins their lineage. Not deal breakers, by any means, just a bit too grandiose?

Enjoyed it, writer!

I liked the story here and it uses the criteria well, particularly good use of mystery in the 5 page limit.

But... there a few examples of passive writing and it's a little expositional in places which detract from the impact a little.

I also think this would work without the Hitler angle, which I struggled with a little.

Good effort though.

Pretty much agree with the other comments - good use of the variable and genre. Competently written.

The Hitler connection was kind of unexpected but was a good way to end it.  Nice work.

Nice work.

all the criteria used. I can't believe you had money clip. I still have no idea what it is btw.

But you used it!

The dialog is great. Everything about it is pretty likeable.
I chuckled at the end when he said Mein Fuhrer. That was somewhat funny.

Kham, money clip:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_clip

Not my script btw.

Nicely done. The Nazis loved experimenting on twins and this one would’ve been right up their alley. The only thing I’d reconsider, though, is the description of Charles. If he’s the one who was neglected, shouldn’t his current appearance reflect it?

Pretty good pulp fare here. Lots of twins this week. Was pretty suspenseful. Same critiques as already mentioned. Well done though.

Hi writer,

Abbreviations Mr and Mrs should be spelled out in dialog as mister and missus. A good effort to break up the expositional dialog with some bits of action, and it will only get better with more time and space.

A forensic mortician? Okay, reading onward it makes sense that this guy would be wearing multiple hats, metaphorically speaking.

And now at the end, what the {SPOILER}?! That's contrary to all records and public statements from his relatives, but then again it wouldn't be a very successful conspiracy if everybody knew about it, would it?

Nice job. And by "nice," I mean disturbing.

Quoted from FrankM Hi writer,Abbreviations Mr and Mrs should be spelled out in dialog as mister and missus..

I beg to differ in this context, Frank. It's connected to the surname:
Mrs Collins, has our guest arrived?
Is fine as is.
If it's: Mister, your guest just arrived, that's different.

Quoted from LC I beg to differ in this context, Frank. It's connected to the surname: Mrs Collins, has our guest arrived? Is fine as is. If it's: Mister, your guest just arrived, that's different.

I agree that in this case there's no ambiguity. And there's a page limit.

It's more for cases like 103 in dialog where the actor has to know if they're supposed to say "one-oh-three" or "a hundred and three" or any of several other variations. It can give a glimpse at a character, but I think it's mostly to avoid arguments on set