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It's entertainment... just like burning a little black boy to death against a post was.
Only the wealthy could afford to do things like that. But your character gives a completely different reason. And that's what I criticized, which you ignored. He's stupid for killing the boy simply because he stole eggs. And he's stupid to kill a boy, knowing his value, regardless of whether he was bought or not. That's my reaction to it. Others may be fine with it.
Only the wealthy could afford to do things like that. But your character gives a completely different reason. And that's what I criticized, which you ignored. He's stupid for killing the boy simply because he stole eggs. And he's stupid to kill a boy, knowing his value, regardless of whether he was bought or not. That's my reaction to it. Others may be fine with it.
It's also stupid to throw away hundreds of thousands of dollars gambling.... but people still do it. I don't agree with it either... there are better things I could spend my money on than watching somebody burned to death while hanging from a post... but for others, it's well worth it.
Killing people used to be entertainment... still would be if not for political correctness.
Read this through, focused mostly on story and characters as you asked, but as a fellow screenwriter, I did need to point out a few things I found wrong, which hopefully helps.
Tale of Two Slaves Notes
Story: Interesting, unique, packs a punch and delivers originality. Western and Piracy perfectly compliment one another. Indians, Pirates, Overlords, has it all.
The revelation of Isabella’s father is quite disturbing and brings a well-needed twist to the story. I was shocked to learn of the news. How any man could call himself a father and be that vindictive, sick and twisted far surpasses my knowledge. This was perhaps the most defining moment of Isabella’s story, one that certainly packs a jarring punch to readers.
A part of me understands why you chose to write this tale, Dustin. Hard to think a few hundred years back, this thing was a common affair the world over. It’s a tough genre to write and an even tougher one to pull off, but you did it. It’s hard to read because this s*** actually happened IRL. Slaves, executions, bricking, boiling, harems and god-knows what else. You nailed the essence of the era IMO.
A sense of urgency is ever present in the story. Each scene adds tension, brings a lot to the fray. The end battle was epic, visually defining, I could imagine it playing out firmly on screen, delivering a knock-out blow to audiences and readers alike with its precise action.
The main plot of “redemption” is key here IMO. Rebel’s ascension is well written, a king among slaves, attempting to find his way home. The sub-plot of Dwight rekindling his romantic spark with Isabella was also great too, and delivered something memorable.
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Characters: Multi-dimensional, very intriguing. I specifically enjoyed Dwight’s development, along with Rebel’s character. Both were strong. I felt sorry for Isabelle being in the situation she was in, tasked with being a “whore” through lack of a better term, to everyone.
Akecheta... his action in only his second scene defined him. The way he looked at Isabelle and the contempt he had to kill Sheriff, taken aback by her beauty and ultimately shot for his actions was quite developing and I enjoyed that sequence of events.
Josiah’s “moment”, I think you know what I mean, was rather gruesome to read and very disturbing to imagine. Not sure he deserved it, sure he was a dick, but... yeah, you get my point here. His ending was nice, even though he’s missing some jewels.
Smythe... though caught in-between a rock and a hard place, I felt sorry for him because he really had no choice. His end was sad, but defined his character perfectly.
Carver... a vindictive, ruthless bastard. I hated him, I really hated him, which means you did a fantastic job moulding him as a character. He was a really great antagonist IMO.
Red Beard... his defining scene IMO was the “horse” segment after the plantation. I don’t know why he did it, but it sets him up as a, through lack of a better term, a complete douche-bag. Yet, I do somehow understand why.
Julianna is a slut, no point in saying anything else. She just goes with anyone that suits her best interests, which is somewhat humorous. Good to see she got her comeuppance.
Blake, always knew he was a good guy from the moment I read his opening sequences. He really was one of my favourite characters here. I was rather sad to see him go the way he did, but for story purposes, this certainly worked.
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Action: Confusing at times, as some of it is in long blocks of action lines and never broken up.
When the s*** hits the fan and war breaks out, it really drives forward with some truly brilliant moments. There could have been MORE action IMHO. As an Action Adventure, the Action part only really came about once or twice in short segments in the First and Second Acts, then blew up in the Third Act.
The Adventure part of the tale was interesting and decent, designing a beautiful, delicate world is a craft many cannot do, but you delivered the perfect antidote with vast expanses and the sea, even the island of the Dey, which was specifically interesting.
After recently playing AC4, I visualize the scenes perfectly. You nailed it.
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Spotlights: SEX, why is every man in this so riled up and sex-mad? Akecheta, a man I thought to be some form of protagonist, instantly tries to rape Isabelle, then William has a breeding farm for slaves, Carver beats and rapes his own women, and all of this leaves me scratching my head asking myself “was everyone in this age sex-pests?”
Not to cut in on storytelling, but I do think some of the sex/rape could potentially be cut down a little. Kind of makes me feel as though I was reading a Wild West Indian Pirate-laden pornography at times, ha-ha.
Focusing on story and characters, I do have a couple of notes I picked up during the opening few, so I’ll list them here, nothing else though, as you said you’d pick them up on re-reads, so.
There are portions of this script I feel could be cut up partially. Some rather long paragraphs, earliest of which is Page 8’s seven-line structure. Possible to cut that down into 2 Ps?
It’s a tough read, one can suggest that much. Lots of detail where detail can at times be obscured entirely. Some of the character motions, such as “taken aback, she walks away” (not from the script, but you get my point here) are unneeded in my honest opinion.
Lots of detail, sometimes the writing here is a tad confusing, as you detail several incidents taking place at the same time in the same paragraph. Again, not saying it’s bad, but it’s rather tough on the eyes at certain times and you could definitely fix plenty of these with a quick edit/rewrite.
As an example of the over-use of wording for scene descriptions, I have listed this quotation as a reference to the overabundance of detail:
Quoted Text
“The retreat is seen as a weakness and the second bulldog snaps viciously at Rebel’s midriff, biting just near the ribcage. Rebel punches at the dog’s head with little effect and jumps again. The first dog leaps into the air, aiming for Rebel’s throat... Rebel snatches the dog out of the air, wrapping himself around it and bringing it to the ground where he breaks the dog’s back with a twist of his hips. He stands...”
As a SEVEN-LINE action sequence, there’s a lot of unneeded detail here. You’ve helped me in the past, Dustin, but my reviews always induce precision. The screenwriter in me has to call certain things out.
The above quoted excerpt from this script could simply be cut down and still have the same level of effect to the reader:
“Rebel’s retreat signals the second bulldog, which snaps viciously at his midriff. Rebel punches the dog’s head, barely thwarting it.
The first dog lunges for Rebel’s throat.
Rebel wrestles it out of the air, to the ground. He twists his hips. The dog WHIMPERS. Bone SNAPS.”
Easier, slicker, precise and to the point. Less wordy. Same effect, at only 46 words as opposed to 76. This is merely a suggestion, I’m sure a rewrite will fix the issues, but I had to point that part out.
Unfortunately, there are many of these long-detailed paragraphs throughout that can be cut down exponentially and still deliver the same outcome. This is what makes the script a slow read.
I have read many scripts, learned from some of the best on this website to ensure positivity and constructive criticism with any and all of my reviews. Construction is key, IMO.
Page 3 - Hogtie is a word you could likely use to describe the roping of Isabelle, as a minor suggestion. Common in the Wild West, played Red Dead Redemption, did this for fun, ha-ha.
Page 8 - We usually one dog, maybe missing a word?
I do like the introduction of PIRATES in this. I’m a big fan of 16th century piracy, Blackbeard, seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies more times than I can count and played AC4: Black Flag, which really brought me up to speed on pirate lore. I am a big pirate fan, so kudos for bringing pirates into this, as I was mostly seeing some form of Western until they showed up.
Unfilmables are present too, as an example of this:
“Several English merchant ships sit in the docks unloading hundreds of white slaves ready to be sold. Most of them just poor folk who went to bed in their homes and woke up on a ship, now being sold in Africa.”
The entire BOLDED structure is not necessary here. There are certain times in the script this occurs, and I won’t mention them all.
Closing thoughts:
This was well-crafted, Dustin. You have all the makings of an epic here. Story was great. Characters were excellent. I mentioned some of the problems I found with it in my review, which I hope helps you edit and re-write it to be far superior than it already is.
It’s a great script, a cracker. I read this in one-sitting because the story and characters gripped me. Just, some of the descriptions here or there could be tightened a little, maybe removed.
Other than a few minor, technicalities, this is a well-written script with a great story, developed characters and excellent world.
Seriously though, I'll wait for you to revise your vomit draft and then I'll take a look at it.
Jordan
Mad Max 3 was a favourite of mine as a kid. The name was last minute thing and I think I forgot to add it to the closing scene. Originally it was simply called 'TOWN'
This is the stage after vomit draft. I should do a treatment next then another rewrite, then list it here for reads but I have to take time out on another script - which will be done today - before I can get back to this... so I thought I'd put it up a little early and see what opinions I could get on story. I was grateful for one, to get two is amazing... much appreciated.
The revelation of Isabella’s father is quite disturbing and brings a well-needed twist to the story. I was shocked to learn of the news. How any man could call himself a father and be that vindictive, sick and twisted far surpasses my knowledge. This was perhaps the most defining moment of Isabella’s story, one that certainly packs a jarring punch to readers.
She was born a slave, so I suppose he never really looked at her as being his daughter. Probably sired so many children he lost count of who's were his and who's weren't.
A part of me understands why you chose to write this tale, Dustin. Hard to think a few hundred years back, this thing was a common affair the world over.
It still is a common thing, we simply switched one form of slavery for another. But I get your point. I wrote this to point out white slavery. White slavery to black masters. Indeed the British were the first to abolish slavery... at least in our own country, probably because we had too many people. At one time a christian slave wasn't worth the price of a loaf of bread they were so common. So we did a lot of dumping in the US. After the civil war of independence (that is deliberate usage of the word, civil) the new world government complained about it so the British had to find somewhere else to dump them. Australia came up... but we were also shipping, or being shanghaied to places like Africa. So it may have been for the wrong reasons, but we were still the first to abolish slavery. It is still legal in Africa today. That is why I wrote it... to educate. But wrapped up in a cool story so nobody really notices unless they look. Glad to hear I'm half way there. I couldn't ask for more at this stage.
Characters: Multi-dimensional, very intriguing. I specifically enjoyed Dwight’s development, along with Rebel’s character. Both were strong. I felt sorry for Isabelle being in the situation she was in, tasked with being a “whore” through lack of a better term, to everyone.
That's interesting. Dwight is the protag and with so many characters I felt for sure that he would have been overshadowed. I think Rebel does outdo him, and I will need to rectify that.
Josiah’s “moment”, I think you know what I mean, was rather gruesome to read and very disturbing to imagine. Not sure he deserved it, sure he was a dick, but... yeah, you get my point here. His ending was nice, even though he’s missing some jewels.
He's a slave breeder and has them fight and kill each other for sport. He also has problems getting it up, which probably gives rise to Julianna's frustrations. He won't miss them, and he does deserve it, I feel... but he gets a fairly happy ending. I think I've played him just right in terms of character development.
Smythe... though caught in-between a rock and a hard place, I felt sorry for him because he really had no choice. His end was sad, but defined his character perfectly.
Thanks. I wasn't sure if the suicide worked or not.
Red Beard... his defining scene IMO was the “horse” segment after the plantation. I don’t know why he did it, but it sets him up as a, through lack of a better term, a complete douche-bag. Yet, I do somehow understand why.
I feel this is a character arc I still need to define properly.
Action: Confusing at times, as some of it is in long blocks of action lines and never broken up.
Action blocks should be written by camera shot. If on a wide angle then a lot can be shown at once and stay in one block, even if seven long. Although, I do agree some of the blocks could be tightened, I don't hold with the idea that action blocks should be 4 or less.
When the s*** hits the fan and war breaks out, it really drives forward with some truly brilliant moments. There could have been MORE action IMHO. As an Action Adventure, the Action part only really came about once or twice in short segments in the First and Second Acts, then blew up in the Third Act.
After recently playing AC4, I visualize the scenes perfectly. You nailed it.
My oldest son has that game. I tried playing it but got bored as they used the same engine from the last game, AC3, which is a better game. I wasn't impressed that they hadn't done anything different. From what I could see the ship handling was exactly the same. i got bored and haven't played past the first level. Last game I finished was GTA5... even that I just play the story then get bored. It's all baout story for me with computer games... although I did enjoy playing COD for a number of years, I haven't played in around a year.
Spotlights: SEX, why is every man in this so riled up and sex-mad? Akecheta, a man I thought to be some form of protagonist, instantly tries to rape Isabelle, then William has a breeding farm for slaves, Carver beats and rapes his own women, and all of this leaves me scratching my head asking myself “was everyone in this age sex-pests?”
Having a breeding farm doesn't relate to sex pests. That really happened. Carver is a sex pest, he wants to marry his own daughter. Akecheta is an Indian... when you own a slave, it's yours. He saw Isabelle as his prize. He wasn't looking at it as rape. Nobody would back then.
Not to cut in on storytelling, but I do think some of the sex/rape could potentially be cut down a little. Kind of makes me feel as though I was reading a Wild West Indian Pirate-laden pornography at times, ha-ha. [/qiote]
Noted.
[quote=Leegion] It’s a tough read, one can suggest that much. Lots of detail where detail can at times be obscured entirely. Some of the character motions, such as “taken aback, she walks away” (not from the script, but you get my point here) are unneeded in my honest opinion.
A lot of character actions are used to break up dialogue. I'll look into overly-used description.
Lots of detail, sometimes the writing here is a tad confusing, as you detail several incidents taking place at the same time in the same paragraph. Again, not saying it’s bad, but it’s rather tough on the eyes at certain times and you could definitely fix plenty of these with a quick edit/rewrite.
This comes down to camera shots again. What you envision as a camera shot and what I envision as a camera shot may be different. Often in one shot, more than one thing can be happening. If I were you, I wouldn't get too bogged down with stuff like that in your own scripts.
Page 3 - Hogtie is a word you could likely use to describe the roping of Isabelle, as a minor suggestion. Common in the Wild West, played Red Dead Redemption, did this for fun, ha-ha.
I know about hog-tying... Unfortunately it would be extremely difficult to strap somebody to a horse afterwards. To hogtie one must have their hands behind their back and tied to their feet. It would be extremely awkward to strap somebody to a horse after that.
Unfilmables are present too, as an example of this:
“Several English merchant ships sit in the docks unloading hundreds of white slaves ready to be sold. Most of them just poor folk who went to bed in their homes and woke up on a ship, now being sold in Africa.”
The entire BOLDED structure is not necessary here. There are certain times in the script this occurs, and I won’t mention them all.
I don't believe it is unfilmable. The sentence shows that they shouldn't act like subdued slaves. These are new, freshly arrived from England, shanghaied in their sleep.
Red Beard definitely could use a little more fleshing out. In truth, I was expecting a larger role for him, maybe he's in on it with the Dey? A final confrontation between him and Dwight might be something intriguing to read/watch.
Also, I've been thinking it over all night. I know you've said this, but I think the ending, specifically the 5-week time jump, somewhat loses a little steam.
Maybe it is a good idea to have Carver/Isabelle go to the Dey's island to create more tension. I think that would be quite exciting to have everyone on the same island in the final war.
The script certainly has all the makings of a great flick.
Red Beard definitely could use a little more fleshing out. In truth, I was expecting a larger role for him, maybe he's in on it with the Dey? A final confrontation between him and Dwight might be something intriguing to read/watch.
Also, I've been thinking it over all night. I know you've said this, but I think the ending, specifically the 5-week time jump, somewhat loses a little steam.
Maybe it is a good idea to have Carver/Isabelle go to the Dey's island to create more tension. I think that would be quite exciting to have everyone on the same island in the final war.
The script certainly has all the makings of a great flick.
-Lee
Red Beard is in it with the Dey... but he's simply a pirate and will serve whoever the Dey is on the day. I like the idea of a final battle between he and Dwight.
In the vomit draft they all did go to Africa. Carver is setting up not just Dwight to get rid of him, but also Josiah to steal his land. That's why Josiah must sign over the deeds. I imagine Carver would want to be there personally for that. So I can get him there easily enough. An issue I ran into was Carver's motive for wanting the land so bad he'd go to all that trouble. There was no oil in 1800. There was gold... so maybe Josiah has gold deposits found in a river on his property. I just had issues finding out if that was a possibility near Coastal S. Carolina. Although I do believe in artistic license, I'd still prefer to be as accurate as I can. But whatever, it works.
That final 5 week time jumps is a little much and does spoil the flow. I'm going to figure out a way to keep most of what I have and have them go to Africa. A script like this could run up to 120 pages and beyond anyway.
New Draft is up. New title, now called, A Slave's Tale. Did as suggested and killed the old B story. Now everyone ends up in Africa and I managed to keep the Indians in it to boot. Still not completely happy with it... but I am with the over all story. Maybe one or two creases that need ironing over and of course a polish or two for the sake of brevity.
So still some work to do. I just need to work on something else for a while. I hate treatments and I hate difficult rewrites even more... of which this was one.
I was making some notes on the previous draft of your script, but I see that you've revised it, so I'll post my old notes and take a look at the new draft.
Hey mate. Thanks a lot. It'll come in handy when I run through for brevity later. I still have a couple of creases with story to iron out. This has had quite a bit of a rewrite and as usual with something that size, it will inevitably create new problems that will need smoothing over.
Hope that means they're just unruly. I've got four boys and they can take up a lot of time. Luckily though xbox is around to keep them occupied... I just need to be around to break up the fights and solve disputes before they escalate into a fight.
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