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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Hate Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 8th, 2016, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hate by Andrew Herlan - Action, Adventure - A young, naive racist Jim, 20, is hid out in South Central by a black FBI agent where Jim must face down his prejudice and defeat dangerous racial terrorists before 150 people are killed. 136 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: January 9th, 2016, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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136 pages is a bunch. I read the first few, up to Jim at the cop shop. There's a lot you could cut down. Right now I'm not up for laboring through that many pages.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 11th, 2016, 10:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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I know what to expect from the logline and that's not a compliment.

So many mistakes in this single "sentence" it's shocking.  Very, very poorly written and in great need of an edit.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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RegularJohn
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hey Andrew.

150 people killed...oddly specific.  Anyway, onto the script.

"The California Highway Desert"  Should be a SUPER or so I would think since it's capped and all alone.

Four thick paragraphs sum up a racist party in the desert.  The detail you put in this opening scene seems a bit too much.  A few lines leading up to this "generator party" as I know them (minus the nazi influence) is sufficient.

You jump to a new scene and this one, unlike the opening, has no description to it.  Not even a time in the slug.  A new character shows up which makes six characters introduced within two pages.

I'll end it there.  Hopefully you'll chime in and shed some light.

-John


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