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The family touring sedan with the SANDOVAL'S aboard. In the front seat at the helm, FRANK, 45, chubby, swept over hair, horned rimmed glasses calls back to his son.
FRANK Macky...Macky...Maaacky. Wake up.
A sweaty little fat boy, MACKY, 12, horned rimmed glasses, stirs, then opens his eyes.
MACKY I dreamed we had air conditioning.
FRANK Your mother and I thought it was more important to save our money for this vacation.
Macky looks over to his kid sister, JENNY, 10, round face, training bra, although not ready.
A - Dislike B - Like Like both but the rating calls for it. I know I can give both a LIKE but... I like B more than A. tiny bitty itsy more.
For two hours of work these two are very good! Both are exciting, I didn't even think they'd be coherent...
Here's my opinion: Both are quite original. The first one is more of a kid horror movie. My vote goes to the second one because it told a complete story in my opinion. But the first one was no less fun (actually funnier), it's just the second one gave me a feeling of 'complete'.
I liked B better than A for the simple fact it was clearly more visual and popped a bit better. The 1st one was alright, so dislike seems a bit harsh in retrospect.
Both were very well done and creative for a two hour exercise. I hate to rate these.
A - The setup was for a humourous/bad ending for the boy. It didn’t deliver, Instead we get the swamp army. This one I saw as animation. Writing was smooth, outstanding effort, for a two hour jaunt.
B - The use of adult themes seemed inappropriate for a family: Licking toads, mass beaver burial site, profanity, and kids tripping out. Very visual for a two hour exercise. Personally, I thought it was funny as hell.
I agree with some of the other comments. Both were well done little one pagers (or two)
A. Was clever in that it had an ironic ending in such a short script. It was also cute.
B. Although not bad, it wasn't suitable as a family piece. Would have worked better for me if the hallucination part would have been accidental in some way. !0 and 12 year olds bringing a frog along for the "trip" on purpose was a downer for me...as a parent.
I enjoyed both shorts, but A fits the criteria better. The irony in A is misplaced, but it's still a family comedy. B is funny, but animated short before Pineapple Express funny, not family comedy.
E.D.
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I didn't care for either but I can't say either really turned me off. Maybe B more than A as it kind of assumes the mere act of licking a frog and hallucinating is funny rather than the hallucination's content actually being funny (which it wasn't). There was really nothing to it and the family comedy thing was kinda killed.
A was okay. I don't think people really have a knack for writing kids. Kevin was alright but Lily just sounded like a caricature. And the ending... I probably shouldn't even say what I thought was going to happen. The FADE TO GREEN was cute though.
Think I liked A more than B as it had a much more interesting set up and environment.
I thought A. was cute, liked the story, and the ending. Nice.
With B. I thought it took a while to get going, and I don't think kids 10 and 12 should be getting high.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
In B, there is no indication of place except for the car. There's mention of going to some beaver burial grounds, but I don't have a clue what that is.
Right off the bat you lost points with me here:
JENNY, 10, round face, training bra, although not ready.
Not ready? Not ready for what? Wearing a bra? Why? Whose to judge readiness to wear a bra? Get out a measuring tape and measure? and yada-yada... Point is: this in not relevant to the story at all and the descriptions are placed only on appearance which to me is uninteresting, unless it has some kind of contextual meaning.
The descriptions shout at me "Off base!" and perhaps a person can test themselves as they write by turning the description into a sentence and pretending they're writing a novel. That might help all of us:
Jenny had a round face and wore a training bra although she was not yet ready.
Sounds weird for character description that way, too.
Does round face mean she's fat? Does the fact that she's wearing a training bra mean she's not wearing a top? So yeah... It needs to matter. Even if it doesn't matter it needs to matter that it doesn't matter.
I liked B better than A for the simple fact it was clearly more visual and popped a bit better. The 1st one was alright, so dislike seems a bit harsh in retrospect.
Balt, read my comment on "The Training Bra". Yeah, it was more visual there, alright.
Congrats to the winner by the way. And it was fun! I wish there's someone to continue with the winner! I'm too much of a chicken - not that I'm scared to loose, I'm afraid nothing would come to mind at the right moment, or I may not have that hour and a half at the needed time.
The thing is I can do only either mornings or late nights. I can't write from 5 to 12 server time. It the time is good... okay, I'm up (I'm short of breath now though, it hurst even to nod my yes to this)
Alright, so if writer A wins when do we get to know which one wrote which one? I mean, if you say Ray wrote (B) then (A) was written by Shawn. You then say Khamanna is up next to take on (A).
But can't we deduce that the style of writing from (A) will easily be detected against new challengers? I dunno if this is going to workout.
Shawn, you want to autopsy both our submissions and the audience?
Primarily I'm interested in understanding HOW readers came to their guesses for authors. What were our poker 'tells'? Was it the nature or quality of the submission?
I think you should offer Screenrider the opportunity to go next since it was his idea. I'm just saying, he was so chomping at the bit a couple of days ago...
I think you should offer Screenrider the opportunity to go next since it was his idea. I'm just saying, he was so chomping at the bit a couple of days ago...
I'll wait till the competition gets a little more fierce.
The energy and excitement of the evening was great. I hope everyone is as good a sport as you were. (BTW, folks: We kibitzed moments before, during and after the competition in PMs.)
I think your UNTITLED! entry was waaaaay funnier than mine. I don't think I won so much as you fouled out. Mine was pretty weak on comedy, although my little kids are currently enthralled with ALIENS IN THE ATTIC as being funny. How it looks on paper and how it gets played out ain't even the same. You really gotta put a bend on some of the reads.
If your family-comedy didn't have foul language and minors licking frogs you clearly would've beat me into the ground hands down. Wish the genre mix was adventure-comedy; make 'em legal adults and you'd've had me by the shorties.
The recycling theme of wake-thump-lick-sleep was wonderful. Too d@mn funny.
I had a hard time keeping mine at two pages. Under three would've worked pretty good and given just a smidgen more elbow room. I find it d@mn near impossible to create any semblance of character development in a page or two. Stock characters is likely the best way to go.
Surprisingly, two hours write time worked out fine, too.
The balance of power works pretty good if the genre mix is picked AFTER a theme or criteria is decided. It keeps the competitors from planning something too far in advance. Still gotta keep 'em close, time-wise, though. One cuts. The other picks.
However, I'd certainly be game for mob-pick and general adoption of a loose, rotating "Mystery Ingredient". - This one is uses a frog. - Next one rewrites a $2 million action sequence down to a $500,000 budget. - The following has a double date at dinner with one spouse flirting with another. - Next write off is a campfire story being told. - Can you write a two or three page western or sci-fi epic? Can you intro or prologue an epic?
Which reminds me, we might wanna consider establishing that these should be scenes rather than complete stories, assuming we wanna go with the "this is what happens on a set" premise. Or not.
And I feel quite strongly about keeping the genre-mix the same for both competitors. Drag cars vs. drag cars. Not motorcycles vs. hot air balloons. Pistols vs. pistols. Not paint guns vs. shotguns. Soccer team vs. soccer team. Not archers vs. synchronized swimmers.
What are some of your cogitations on the issue?
And I'd still like to hear from folks how and why they guessed which of us wrote what story.
Ah, Mike! You got me there. That was a glaring poker 'tell'. Wha'd you dislike about mine? How could I have fit the criteria better (other than actually being funny. HA!)
And "thank you', James. Same question regarding your dislike, as well. Where'd you see that I dropped the ball?
I thought you wrote B because of the "training bra but not ready" and few curse words - I thought you'd be the one who says family shvamily, I'm writing whatever feels right to me And I was wrong.
Shawn in USSR they'd put a toad inside a tank of beer to keep it cold. These beer tanks were on wheels and they'd sell it to people by a jug. But toads would keep it cold. Wondering if you knew that? Great story and to come up with it in an hour - wow!
Ray, Man was that fun. You're right, the energy that night was a blast. The PM's flying back and forth, tha smack talking. It was a blast and what a great sport you are as well buddy.
Your script won hands down and for a good reason, yours was better. You have a very clever script there. I'm even more impressed that you managed to punch it out in an hour as well. Very cleanly written and the FADE TO GREEN touch was right on.
I hope the other "WRITE OFFS" have the same POP that night had.
Khamanna, You stayed right on top of this the whole time. I cannot wait to see what you can do in an hour. I'm sure it will be great. Those frogs are availible at most pet stores for about 30 bucks although I have never licked one....yet.
I didn't know that about the frog in the beer tradition. Sounds cool. I have drank enough to where I saw frogs in my beer.
By the way- TOTAL PROPS to MCORNETTO. Michael pulled this whole thing together in minutes and created it as we were making up the rules. GREAT JOB Michael!
I'll drop my name into the hat when the winner has 5 wins under his belt... And in the very unlikely event I do lose, I'll have the Hamburgler represented by William Harms and CO to steal the trophy back for me.
I do plan on participating in the OWC (IF THE CRITERIA IS RIGHT), so we'll see where this script-off thing takes shape afterwards.
By the way- TOTAL PROPS to MCORNETTO. Michael pulled this whole thing together in minutes and created it as we were making up the rules. GREAT JOB Michael!
Awww Shucks, thanks Shawn.
And I think we should thank screenrider for having the audacity to throw the idea onto the boards.
And thanks to both of the first writers who handled the whole affair with finesse and grace.
Onto the OWC... Can't wait to see what the genre/theme is.
Congrats Ray! I thought you wrote B because of the "training bra but not ready" and few curse words - I thought you'd be the one who says family shvamily, I'm writing whatever feels right to me And I was wrong.
Thank you, K! We gonna hit it in a few weeks? Okey doke! Nah I don't make fun of little girls training their little girls to sit or beg or roll over. That's not too classy, and you know me, I'm all about being classy. Cursing's for witches. I swear. Alternatively: I swear, witches curse.
Quoted from Shawn
Those frogs are availible at most pet stores for about 30 bucks
Seriously? They sell those things? Incredible. People are weird.
Quoted from Shawn
By the way- TOTAL PROPS to MCORNETTO. Michael pulled this whole thing together in minutes and created it as we were making up the rules. GREAT JOB Michael!
Agreed! Thank you, Michael for volunteering to step up to the plate to organize this impromptu lunacy.
Quoted from MC
And I think we should thank screenrider for having the audacity to throw the idea onto the boards.
Also agreed. Thank you, Mike!
I know you have sore feelings but you really shouldn't have. This is a good thing.
We could give you the SS Nobel if that'd help?
(out of respect - just IMAGINE there's a Alfred Nobel medal right here!)
I felt very strongly that A was Ray because he's more of a thought Full kind of individual by his long detailed posts. Couldn't see him writing the Round Face and Training Bra deal.
Shawn did a good job with the shop plot and with the twirliness of time and what the kids were doing to get out of banality.
Congratulations to both of you for completing the challenge.
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Author
The Official Screenwriters Showdown - Round 1
Logged
And I was wrong.