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Showdown #4 Ryan vs ?? - NAMING (currently 3906 views)
mcornetto
Posted: March 29th, 2011, 7:29pm
Guest User
Okay then Ryan vs Pia two mystery players are up...
- Logline: A gang leader is accused of raping a lab technician.
- Any genre
- Any MPAA rating
- under 5 pages
Ryan vs both mystery contestants. If Ryan's script gets more votes than the other two then he continues on. Otherwise the two mystery contestants get a showdown play-off.
Have fun and vote for which script you like the best.
Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto - March 30th, 2011, 7:29pm
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mcornetto
Posted: March 29th, 2011, 7:30pm
Guest User
A
FADE IN:
EXT. SM STRONGHOLD - NIGHT
A once-impressive mansion stands in ruins. Vines snake over its formerly graceful walls. Broken windows, chipped concrete, cracked brick.
The letters SM painted everywhere. This is the lair of the Southside Ministry.
Two men, TONY and SHANTO, 20s, stand at the bottom of the steps that lead to the front door. Machine guns strapped around their chests. Each wears a bracelet of red cord on his right wrist.
Rusted shells of cars litter the driveway and weed-choked front yard.
Four massive police deployment vehicles, impossibly silent for their size, appear seemingly out of nowhere and converge on the mansion.
Sirens blare, red lights flash. The gleaming black sides of the vehicles drop to the ground, creating ramps for the ten SWAT officers inside each of them.
Tony and Shanto open fire.
The SWAT officers wear biomimetic armor, which renders the bullets all but useless. The police open fire with plasma wave rifles that send out bursts of sonic distortion.
Tony and Shanto drop like felled trees.
More SM members run from the mansion, guns blazing. They quickly meet the same fate.
INT. BEDROOM - SM STRONGHOLD - NIGHT
KRAZ MARFAK, 36, lies on the filthy remains of an old mattress. The commotion brings him to his feet. He runs to a shattered window and sees the raid in progress.
He grabs a machine gun off the mattress, takes a swig of something from a bottle, winces at the burn.
EXT. SM STRONGHOLD - NIGHT
A SWAT COMMANDER, dressed in white armor complete with sealed helmet and black visor, fires a gun with a thick, short barrel toward the mansion.
Dozens of tiny metallic saucers shoot into the air, then swarm around the second floor of the huge house. A network of probing red lasers emerges from the saucers as they scan the walls.
The Commander looks at an instrument in his hand. A holographic image of the mansion’s second floor appears.
The heat signal of a human body moves in one of the rooms. A readout says: “Identified Suspect, K. Marfak.”
The Commander signals to two SWAT officers clad in the same white armor. They run to the mansion.
INT. BEDROOM - SM STRONGHOLD - NIGHT
Kraz hears the approaching footsteps, points his gun at the closed door.
KRAZ Come get it, fuckers!
He sprays the door with bullets. A moment later, the door flies off its hinges, kicked in by the Commander.
He tosses a metal sphere to the floor which sends out a pulsing strobe light accompanied by a throbbing sonic wave.
Kraz drops to the floor, twitching and semi-conscious. The Commander and his men quickly scoop him up.
INT. HOLDING ROOM - NIGHT
The Commander and one of his men enter the room, dragging the still-dazed Kraz along with them. They sit him in a chair, the lone piece of furniture in this barren room.
They leave and shut the door behind them, to the sound of a vacuum seal. Kraz comes to, looks around. The walls, ceiling and floor are bright white. The wall he faces, however, has a large, mirrored panel.
KRAZ What the...fuck?
He stands, steadies himself on the chair.
INT. VIEWING ROOM - NIGHT
ALEX, 42, stands before the glass panel and stares at Kraz. His dark, incisive eyes study Kraz up and down.
He presses his finger on a sleek, flush panel.
ALEX Begin record. Date is April seventeen, 2087. Time is two thirty-seven a.m.
INT. HOLDING ROOM - NIGHT
Kraz paces like a caged animal. He snarls at the panel.
KRAZ I want my lawyer! You can’t--
Instantly, the glass in the panel changes from mirrored to clear. Kraz stares at Alex.
KRAZ Who are--
ALEX Quiet.
Alex’s voice echoes off the walls.
ALEX Two nights ago, you beat and raped this woman.
A photo of an attractive young woman appears on the panel.
KRAZ I don’t know what the fuck you’re--
ALEX Your fingerprints were found throughout the apartment. Your DNA was discovered on her and in her.
Holographic fingerprints rotate on the panel. Matched DNA tests appear, one after another.
INT. VIEWING ROOM - NIGHT
Alex studies Kraz’ reaction, which is nothing but a shrug.
ALEX Her name was Michelle Adams. She was a lab technician at WarTech Industries.
KRAZ Was?
ALEX She died earlier today.
Kraz throws up his hands in a defensive gesture.
KRAZ Whoa. I didn’t kill anybody.
ALEX She didn’t die from the wounds you inflicted.
KRAZ Alright, enough of this shit. I want my lawyer. Do you know who I am?
ALEX Kraz Marfak. Leader of the Southside Ministry gang.
Kraz raises his right arm, grabs the red cord around his wrist, smiles.
KRAZ That’s right. You know what I can do to you, boy? Now get me my--
INT. HOLDING ROOM - NIGHT
A huge photo appears on the panel. It seems to be the remains of a human, but it’s hard to tell. The skin looks like it’s been turned inside out. Black ooze flows from every visible orifice.
Kraz takes a few steps back.
ALEX This is Michelle Adams.
KRAZ What...what happened to her?
ALEX As I told you, Miss Adams worked for WarTech. Several days ago, we believe she was accidentally exposed to the Molotho virus.
Kraz gasps audibly, then shakes his head.
KRAZ That’s...that’s bullshit. Molotho virus was wiped out after the plague--
ALEX This is a different variant. Weaponized. Extraordinarily virulent. Lethal.
A microscopic video of a virus appears on the panel. The voracious spheroids attack and devour cells, then replicate.
ALEX It’s in you.
Color drains from Kraz’ face.
KRAZ No. I want...I want my lawyer--
ALEX I’m not a policeman. This isn’t a jail.
Kraz backs up to the far wall.
ALEX You’re in a federal quarantine station. There’s nothing we can do for you.
INT. VIEWING ROOM - NIGHT
Alex watches as Kraz runs to the door and kicks it.
KRAZ Let me outta here!
ALEX If you look at your forearms, you should see the first signs of the virus manifesting itself.
Kraz stops kicking, walks to within inches of the panel, pulls up his sleeves. Congealed blood seeps from several open sores.
NINA, 40s, a bookish secretary, walks in, a stack of papers in her hands.
RICHARD KINGLEY, THE PRESIDENT, 50s, he gazes out the window, his back to Nina. He shows no reaction to Nina.
NINA Mr. President, these just came in.
GREGORY WHITE, the President’s right hand, clears his throat.
Nina reads from the paper:
NINA The riots continue on Alaska avenue, Colorado avenue, Aspen Hill. The protesters refuse to wear the masks in attempt to spread the disease--
The President turns around.
PRESIDENT What’s the number of the infected?
NINA It’s not good at all--
PRESIDENT Nina, please.
NINA Two hundred thousand.
PRESIDENT That’s Virginia and Maryland together, right?
NINA That’s DC. ...only.
The President holds his breath for a moment. He glances at Gregory who hides his eyes. The tension is palpable.
The President motions for Nina to take a seat. She does.
He rubs his forehead, tears glisten in his red eyes.
NINA You’ve been... crying?
She gulps at her own question. The President chuckles.
PRESIDENT ...I was twenty. She was younger, eighteen maybe, I always had a crush on her...
Gregory and Nina fidget in their seats and exchange uncomfortable glances.
PRESIDENT She was just admitted to UT Medical lab, wanted to show me something there. One thing led to another... The next day - headlines everywhere “Dick raped a lab technician”...
Once again Gregory clears his throat.
PRESIDENT Just be patient, Greg.
GREGORY I know it must be relevant. Somehow.
The President laughs. He watches his hands for a while, puts them together and takes apart studying the red light that appears between his fingers.
That makes Gregory and Nina uncomfortable again.
PRESIDENT Stage a public hearing tonight. Memorial park, close to the monument please. Four o’clock. Let the rioters know. I’ll talk to them.
Both Gregory and Nina shake heads, terrified looks in their eyes.
GREGORY That’s insane. They don’t wear masks, they have nothing to loose. These are infected we’re talking about, the primary transmitters, you’ll get it just from standing there in the open.
PRESIDENT You’re coming with me, Greg. Tonight, four o’clock.
EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT - STAGE - DAY
The stage is elevated and separated from THE CROWD by a stand. The President, Gregory and a few bodyguards climb on.
State troopers in protective gear everywhere.
The President watches the crowd beneath thicken. People keep arriving. Many have the masks in hands- a helmet with a shield, equipped with an oxygen tank. Very few have the masks on.
He tests the microphone.
PRESIDENT Don’t think of me as a President, I’m no more than a gang leader tonight.
The crowd quiets down, intrigued.
PRESIDENT You’re my gang.
There’s complete silence now - he got their attention.
PRESIDENT I was accused of raping a lab technician once. You know the story, right?
A few BOOS from the crowd.
PRESIDENT I always felt responsible for what happened back then although I did come out clean. Now I feel the same way, I’m fully responsible for what has happened. The disease is deadly. I know. And I’m sorry. Very sorry.
A man in black, with a mask off, talks into a bullhorn.
MAN IN BLACK You’re not the one dying. We are. Ha!
A loud cheer from the Crowd.
MAN IN BLACK But we can remedy that.
The Man in Black drops the bullhorn, reaches into his front pocket. The bodyguards see that and talk inaudibly into their mics. They disperse and rush down towards him but too late--
The Man in Black yanks a gun out, aims it at the President and shoots.
With a jolt, the president grabs his heart and drops down.
The crowd gasps.
The Man in Black pushes through the crowd to safety, the police hot in pursuit.
SIRENS WAIL.
Gregory, red with fury, takes the stand.
GREGORY So he’s dying now. That’s what you wanted? How is he responsible for what’s happening? How? Eh.
BEHIND THE STAND
The president lies on the floor, someone’s jacket tucked under his head. Gregory crouches next to him.
He motions for Gregory to come closer.
PRESIDENT This is what I was hoping for.
Gregory frowns - he does not understand.
PRESIDENT See what they are doing. Go on.
Gregory obeys. He gets up and peeks at the crowd.
Many start putting their masks on. Gregory stares at them for a moment, then gives the president a nod.
PRESIDENT That’ll get them under control. A good jolt’s all they need. Go on...talk to them. Make them all wear the masks.
A building of glass and concrete with a large parking ramp.
INT. STAIRWELL
Painted walls, sturdy railing and clean steps.
RAYMOND, 18, muscular, tattoo, a bandana wrapped on his head, smokes a cigarette. The ashes fall on the floor.
MONICA, 20, full figured, pops into the stairwell, hesitates.
Raymond looks her up and down, smiles.
Her hand trembles as she grabs a railing, passes by Raymond.
RAYMOND Name's Raymond. Henrietta?
Monica stops. She looks at her shoes.
MONICA She's right behind me.
She relaxes and continues down.
INT. PARKING RAMP
DIZZY, 19, muscular, tattoos, a bandana, waits in a SUV and smokes a cigarette. His hands drum an unknown beat.
DIZZY Gonna catch me a bitch tonight...
Monica opens a door, walks to a car. Dizzy checks her out.
DIZZY Bitch tonight, bitch tonight...
He rushes out of his SUV grabs Monica from behind.
INT. STAIRWELL
A scream echoes off the walls. HENRIETTA, 19, plump, stiffens.
HENRIETTA Do what you do.
Raymond speeds down the steps. At the bottom, he pushes the door, bounces off onto the floor. He looks out a thin window, an SUV blocks the door.
Another scream from outside, Raymond kicks the door. He runs up to the next floor.
RAYMOND Henrietta, call security!
It's locked. He punches the door.
RAYMOND Throw me your keys. I got to get to the elevators.
She dangles a set of keys over the railing.
HENRIETTA Here they come.
She drops them down the center of the stairwell.
The keys veer towards a railing. Raymond stretches his hands out. He grunts as the keys bounce off his hands.
He watches as the keys fall to the bottom floor. Raymond dodges down to retrieve the keys.
A check of the window reveals the SUV still blocks the door.
RAYMOND Did you call security?
Henrietta fumbles with a purse, pulls out a phone, drops it,
Raymond watches as her cell phone smashes on the floor,
RAYMOND Ah! Girl.
HENRIETTA I'm sorry Ray-Ray.
He runs up the stairs, keys in hand. Henrietta arrives at the first floor door.
RAYMOND Here.
He throws the keys at her.
RAYMOND You open it.
Henrietta reaches in her purse and pulls out a single key.
Raymond smirks at her.
HENRIETTA What?
INT. FIRST FLOOR
Raymond rushes through the open door, heads for an elevator. He rapid-fire taps the down button.
The elevator descends from the top floor at a snail's pace. Raymond bounces on his feet in impatience. Raymond jumps in as the elevator door slides open.
HENRIETTA I'll just go call security now from one of the offices.
INT. ELEVATOR
Empty. Raymond pushes a button for the parking ramp level, faces the doors. The doors slide open. Raymond pounces out.
INT. PARKING RAMP
He scans a concrete parking lot with huge support pylons.
The SUV takes off in a squeal of tires.
Raymond runs after the vehicle and grabs on to the SUV driver side mirror. He pulls himself up. Dizzy grins.
DIZZY Hurry and she might be your bitch too.
Dizzy rolls up the window forcing Raymond to fall onto the cement floor. He gets up covered in cuts and dust, watches as the SUV leaves. He looks at the dust covered license plate.
A noise from behind a pylon. Raymond approaches and gasps he peeks at Monica's face -- a bloody with puffed eyes. Her pants are missing. He kneels, takes his shirt off, covers her.
RAYMOND Help is coming.
Monica opens her eyes. Her vision blurs. Focuses on Raymond's tattoos and screams.
MONICA Get away from me! Rape! Help.
RAYMOND Settle down. Help will be here --
CHUCK, 50s, tubby with the arms of a weight lifter, approaches Raymond from behind. Monica freaks out.
MONICA Tattoo. You raped me. Tattoo. Tattoo.
She passes out.
CHUCK (into radio) One woman, badly beaten... (to himself) One rapist, also badly beaten.
Chuck points an oversize flashlight. He also aims a taser, fingering the button.
CHUCK Don't move or I'll fry your ass.
Raymond slowly gets off his knees. Hands up. Tattoos cover his bare chest and arms.
RAYMOND Is there an ambulance on the way?
Sirens echo in the ramp from a long way off.
CHUCK Don't move.
RAYMOND I ain't.
The elevator doors open. Henrietta rushes out.
HENRIETTA Ray-Ray!
Chuck pushes the button. Two wires hit Raymond in the chest. Raymond falls in agony on the ramp floor.
HENRIETTA Raymond!
She hits Chuck.
HENRIETTA What are you doing? That's my brother!
CHUCK She said he raped her. She said tattoo. Look at him!
Raymond lurches up off the floor. He shows the guard a tattoo: ARMY OF THE LORD.
Henrietta moves over to Monica, comforts her. She looks at Raymond.
HENRIETTA I called your crew.
RAYMOND Good. We got a license number to find.
The ambulance arrives.
CHUCK Stick around, we'll let the cops sort this tattoo stuff out.
RAYMOND No problem.
The shadows move to reveal a surprising number of soldiers in the army of the Lord.
(A) was very well done. Excellent work at getting a story out of that log in just a couple of days. And the story was presented well too. (b) was fairly well written, but not sure how much sense the story made. I'm really not going to go into the questions I have, there's just too many. And I am not sure why you saw gang leader and thought to make it the President. I will just wait and see if any explanation comes. (c) I have no clue what's going on with this. I restarted reading it at least 5 times in the first half a page. For some reason I had a hard time following it. The problem no doubt lies with my inexperience as a reader. I finally just read through to the end, but I have no idea what's going on. I could be too slow, too tired, too sober. This one is probably better with a more experienced reader than myself. I tried, sorry.
Despite a naughty desire to buck the trend, there was no real way that I could not vote A. To be fair, I don't actually think the story in A was great at all, but the writing was certainly more accomplished. The idea behind B was fairly solid but the incongruous rape element sped it off somewhere it had no place being. C was just too hard to follow and lacked any real cohesion. Still, whatever anyone else thinks of the work, at least people are writing.
First of all, the writing is leaps and bounds above the first few of these challenges. And I mean the writing of all 3 of these.
A is easily the winner in all terms, but it's not sky scrapers above the other 2 like the last challenge.
Interesting how A and B both have a theme of some kind of global epidemic.
All 3 scripts suffer from too many characters in such a short amount of space. All 3 are difficult to take in completely, but A is easily clear enough to win out.
B just doesn't quite get it done but the underlying message is actually quite good. The delivery isn't bad at all, but it's just off a bit.
C, like others have said, is a tough read, in terms of comprehension, but the technical writing isn't bad at all. I do understand it, but it's just such a small story, and it's too difficult to get a grip on.
A is the winner. It's a unique, inventive look into the future and for a couple days work, it's well done. Too many characters, a couple of technical glitches, a little too much going on, but...well done.
Really, this one is no contest. A is the complete winner in my opinion. The story of a guy who rapes a girl who has some kind of weird virus and he's been quarantined because of it is good. He's getting his reward and the ending... I thought that that the guy needed to watch him die for study purposes to find out just how this virus was going to work, how long it took etc...
Now I want to say, that I'm simply not a fan of these kinds of stories. I'm not a big crime drama fan-- unless you go back to my childhood. I LOVED watching Cannon. I honestly would have to watch them now again to see how stupid I was. Or not. But yes, I enjoyed that show.
B was alright. I wasn't completely sure about the President all of a sudden talking about his rape episode. It really didn't sound real to me. Also, I'm not too keen on writing that often sets itself in the U.S. although, I understand. I'm just kind of more keen on people doing what Jeff did in his Unforgettable.
C I didn't understand and I thought it was me. It might be me, but I just didn't get it. The shifts felt vacant to me without anything to really grab hold of. Dizzy showing up as the same kind of identity as the first guy confused me.
I'll save my comments for tomorrow. Bit pissard. I'll toss my hat in the ring for a some fun Michael. Just standing on my rock, til I fall off into the pot I was pissing in. Case you need a future contender.
Do think it was a tad unfair to pin Ryan against two, whom if one of them wins, they get a rematch. to carry on. I'm hoping Screen will show up. He was cranking out piles of shite lately.
Anyone ever notice I talk Britt when hammered? No? Okay..
Tried to make sense of the all. Just took a Midol. Wati a minut, what are those used for???
So it's three contestants tonight - wow! And I thought that the logline was harder than the last one...
Good job to all three - you managed to come up with something...
I really enjoyed writing in A. Pretty great. Great action sequence although I thought that the first three scenes were just to let us know that Kraz (great name by the way for this type of guy) was some gang leader or just a bad bad guy who needs to be put away. B - I don't think this would be the logline for your story. "I'm a gang leader tonight." and "You're my gang" - that's too sly Also, I think you need to let know that the Man in black came from the crowd. I got it but not right away. C - I think I understand your story (although have few questions) - Monica was raped, but the only thing she got about the rapist - he's got a strange tattoo on his chest. Then she sees Raymond's chest and thinks he's the rapist. But Raymond is Henrietta's brother and some kind of a gang leader. The question - did he rape her - was not answered I think although I'm leaning towards "he did".
Vote for A, B or C?
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Showdown #4 Ryan vs ?? - NAMING
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