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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  You Are Here Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 21st, 2004, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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You Are Here by smackmy-garden-ho - Comedy - In 1770 Spanish Missionaries came to southern California to bring the mercy of Christianity to the "Savages". 234 years later a new kind of savage needs converting: THE AMERICAN CONSUMER.    With only 23 shopping days until Christmas, Jonathan is dumped by his evangelical girlfriend. He is left to wander aimlessly through his unquestioned life. When strange religious miracles begin happening at the shopping mall where Jonathan works he begins to ask questions, but get's all the wrong answers. - pdf format.

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smackmyho
Posted: April 21st, 2004, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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That was fast!
Thanks Don.
Hope it's worthy.

Why don' I get one of those nifty little "NEW" stickers next to my script?
I feel a little jipped, but that's ok.
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mikehill1215
Posted: April 21st, 2004, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I'm impressed.  No offense to other writers, but this script is of much higher quality than most of what's posted here.  Good job!  The characters were engrossing and the comedy was genuine.  I kinda' felt like it was - office space meets mall rats.  This script definetly has potential,  my only criticism would be it's length, 122 pages.  Admittedly I have a problem with this too, I always shoot for 90 pages but end up with 120.  Anyway good luck, I really think you have something here.  I would really appreciate your comments on my script (fate of jenna) just posted under the drama page.  Thanks! 

Mike
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the goose
Posted: April 21st, 2004, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Yippie-kay-ay.

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122 pages would be two hours and two mins. decent length.


Actor trying to write...

"A good script is never rejected because of layout or lack of technical jargon. If people like it, then any experienced film or TV PA or secretary can lay it out in professional manner and add all the technical terms necessary"

-- Ronald Wolfe "Writing Comedy"

"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."

-- Charles Bronson.
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smackmyho
Posted: April 21st, 2004, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,
Thanks a lot!

You are write about the length. I'd like to shave six or seven pages.
I'll check out your script soon.

I like the Office Space comparison..not crazy about mall rats. I was shooting for more of a What's Eating Gilbert Grape tone.

Thanks again for the encouragement.

BTW: I am not completely satisfied with the ending...did it work for you?
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mikehill1215
Posted: April 21st, 2004, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Okay...just finsished reading the entire script.  Once again I commend you on the quality.  To answer your question...I think the ending is fine, it's tight and fits the flow of the story...in short, I buy it.  One thing I would like to see is what happened to LIZA and KEVIN.

Some comments...I like the way Greg slowly morphs into "DOC"  but I'd take it a bit farther.  When it's snowing, why not have him standing outside with the white snow falling on his messed hair giving him the apperance of "DOCS" crazy white hair...also you may want to work in a bit where he doesn't have snow shoes but finds a pair of yellow rain boots to put on...this would complete the look.

Like I wrote in my earlier post, trim it down as much as you can-  the closer you can get it to 90 pages the better chance you'll have of someone (in the biz) reading it.

Great Job...

Mike


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smackmyho
Posted: April 21st, 2004, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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That's kind of funny...I'll think about it.
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smackmyho
Posted: April 22nd, 2004, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Where's "THE FATE OF JENNA" Script?
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smackmyho
Posted: April 23rd, 2004, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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I think my script is more Drama than Comedy...It's fine if it is in the Comedy section though.

I'd still like one if those FANCY SMANCY "NEW" stickers next to it!
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: April 23rd, 2004, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Well that drama comedy factor can hurt you, When I want to read something I look at the genre in this case comedy and if your screenplay isn't funny than that's half the reason it would get a bad review.

It's misleading

Horror on paper is not scary, mostly it's laughable but comedy should work either way


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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smackmyho
Posted: April 23rd, 2004, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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I think it is funny.
There are comedic elements, but not slapstick...they mostly stem from situations and charcters, so I'm fine with it being labeled as comedy.
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: April 23rd, 2004, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Well we will see, comedy you expect laughs every second that's the point I was making. I don't expect nothing much but usually that what a comedy gives

I didn't really find the beginning funny, the beginning was good but not comedic

I'll start reading it sometime today


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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smackmyho
Posted: April 23rd, 2004, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Comedy is not always a LAUGH a minute...

SEE SOME OF WOODY ALLEN's films

Or

ELECTION with Matthew Broderick.


WOOOO HOOOO I got a "NEW" Sticker!!!! Thanks DON!
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: April 23rd, 2004, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Well Election, we have it somewhere around here and I'll check it out sometime soon just to see if it's even an enjoyable experience. Woody Allen well I'm not really into him but from the tv appearances I've seen him in he doesn't seem to be very funny

Comedy doesn't have to be but Election isn't just a Comedy, if you look at todays films like American Pie they tried to be laugh a minute and well it's win or lose and I'll leave the rest up to you to think about

But if the parts that you do think are funny and you tried to hard to make it funny that will show and it wont be funny, have fun with comedy or else it's not funny.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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smackmyho
Posted: April 23rd, 2004, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Just read it...geesh!
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