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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Scorsese Club Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Scorsese Club  (currently 23465 views)
greg
Posted: July 31st, 2006, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for putting up with this.

This is the final draft.  I recently copyrighted and registered it and will be looking into contests, specifically the family/comedy type since that's the specific audience this is made for I think.

So thanks again everyone who read this and providing valuable feedback and any future readers I hope you enjoy.

Greg


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Jaykur22
Posted: August 20th, 2006, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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Greg

Took a look at this one my thoughts -

DISCLAIMER: So now I'm going to tear it apart, and tell you pretty much everything that occurred to me as I was reading this script.  Feel free to accept or ignore any of it; the point is that you should filter my comments through what you want to do with the script.  Though any ideas that I do give you here now belong entirely to you.  (And when I ask a question, it's not because I want to know the answer - it's because I want to make sure you ask yourself the question).


Page 1-introducing a ton of characters, and the only recognizable differences is there clothing, which is changing.  Could pose problem.

Page 2-you have a nice quick fix to the problem-though the problem is the first thing the reader runs into, first page, we get bombarded with a lot of names.  Something to think about.

-the kids conversations seem little mature for what I initially pictured.  Theyre playing with squirt guns, but they talk like 12-14 year olds.  Slight logic conflict.  There speech however vacillates from mature, to immature.  Im having a hard time matching their action with how they talk.  Have you been thinking the same thing or am I way off base?

Page 3- walking : Ive read the ing should be pulled leaving only the action verb itself.   Random thought is all.  

Reaction to the first four pages you wanted me to check out:

Putting a microscope on them my reaction:

The Good

Sets a nice pace, shows the audience right off the bat what this story is about, kids that make movies.  And the delivery is done is such a way that it remains interesting.  Plus, you show us the hero of the story, and the villain bam, nice clean, and condense.  Though you could take the james bond spoof to an even higher level, I picture a real rag tag crew.  They wont have an iris, but they might have something lying around the house that could resemble the look.  Costumes are spot on, however a big theme to James Bond is always the character names, octupussy etc. you get the idea, I think you could explore how I child would tackle the names, and really go over the top with the spoof idea.  Great beginning but you could still take it to another level.    I was just thinking how, cause whenever I get feedback people have nice general ideas no specifics, so heres some ideas on how to take James Bond to the level.  Ketchup as blood, instead of squirt guns cap guns, a zip line to slide into the action but poorly cut together much like a childhood film would be, perfectly gelled james bond hair (the often cut to quickly fix it),  arighty these ideas were just meant to get you going, in no way should you include any or all, just my random thoughts.  Also the beginning could be as the bad guy is cutting the movie together at home on his computer, which could give you some more room to explore the James Bond spoof.  


The bAd

First off, its a cool beginning, especially if the kids are younger and squirt guns fit their age/maturity/speech pattern.  But, Im not sure if it fits with how the rest of the story proceeds.  It causes a small conflict in my mind, cause if their screwing around with squirt guns thats one age bracket (to me), but if the son is going home and is smart enough to realize that most of the tech support out there is outsourced that suggests another age bracket.   Bottom line, its causing a conflict for me cause Im having a hard time seeing these character.    Every action needs to fit their character background etc, as you probably know, more on that topic - did you ever think to yourself as you read that sometimes characters said things that seemed out of character.  If not Id leave it, but if this is an echo of some concerns youve had Id suggest a nice careful read through to make sure all the lines are in character.  Im not saying theyre all bad, - justt he opposite but there is the occasional distraction that just seems out of place and that is what Id suggest you revise.  

Okay, sorry it took so long to get this turned around to you, some things came up.  But, if youd like to brainstorm some other ideas, you know how to get a hold of me.  Ive got some ideas, but its your baby and I dont want to step on your toes.  

Jake


Mason: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
Stan Goodspeed: "I'll do my best."
Mason: "You're best. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen!"
Stan Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."
Mason: "Really?"
Stan Goodspeed: "Yeah!"
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JD_OK
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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hey, just wanted to start off with the review. First thing I have noticed is (what i believe) is that your centering is off for dialog and character.

I use final draft to write mine.(suppose to be at industry standards) so i may be wrong. but yours goes over about 5 or 6 spaces more then it should.

More to come.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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greg
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think the spacing is off.  It's never been brought up before...

I think it looks different since FD is different than Word.  Other reasons could include font.  Some people use 12 point new courier as opposed to regular courier...and stuff. Woo  

Anyway, I look forward to your stuff.  I've begun X-Men and should be done whenever.


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bert
Posted: September 18th, 2006, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg.  I popped the file open for a look and he might have a point.  It's not that big a deal, but yeah, you might go a little too far to the right with dialogue.

Look at the long dialogue for Rex on page 2 -- see how close to the margin that goes?  Looks to me like the first line should end after "You think this is fun?"

It's hard to tell for sure without a ruler (like anybody is going to do that haha), but you might consider hitting the return key for dialogue a little earlier than you do.

Maybe ask the obsessive Mr. Willson to take a quick look at that for you.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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JD_OK
Posted: September 18th, 2006, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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PG 12 � Rex: takes of your life. � should be Mistakes of your life.

Pg 15. Chuck: (ben nods). Should be Action.

Ben nods.

               Chuck (contd)
           Well�etc

Can shorten some sentences. Ex.

Ben and Chuck look nervous.

Beat.

               Derek
     BOO!
Shorter and delivers same affect you want.

Pg 18.

Ben, Chuck , and Dimitri ARE getting changed.

Page 19.

One thing a professional told me, is t end each scene with a high point.

�They glance over to oliver again and Aaron, etc�  All that can be left out. And no one would miss it. After  Ben says � exactly� scene should end there. Introduce aaron on pg 21.

Technician: Maybe the electric went out.

Jode: then how am I talking to you?

Jodie�s response doesn�t make sense for couple reasons.

1.     You don�t indicate to the reader, if the phone is a cordless, in that case, it wouldnt work.
2.     She could be usen cell phone. Which house electricity wouldn�t effect the convo.
3.     She could be usen a regular wall phone which doesn�t require to be electricity.

Pg 20.

          Ben
     Something like that.

          Jodie
  No problem.

Jodie lines isn�t needed there and can be removed. Remember high point.

24:  Ben tries to make his pitch. Line unnecessary

Oliver: Do you guys have a script?

That is really spot on. This kid who deals with nothing about making movies, asks  pro question about a script?

Pg 27 Oliver: Yea, I illegally downloaded it.  Can remove illegally. Downloading movies is illegal, goes without saying.

Pg 29: Ben: Spread around to guys on campus.

This isn’t sounding like a kid trying to sound ground up. Since we do 12 yrs old refer to school to campus. That is for college people. At least to me.

Pg: 31. Cut dialog after
Jodie: Parasites could be living down there. High point




Still reading. Will be done today with review


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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JD_OK
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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Washburns , with mom. Many get rid of whole need another r job stuff.

Pg 40. paragraph, rule of thumb. No paragraphs more then 4 lines.

48. Guarantees

Pg 73, I really don�t understand, how its goes gino, working for Rex, to Rex working for gino, calling him boss�

Montage, I know where you are getting at, but for a spec script, I don�t think you should have it written that way. I may be wrong. I was told by professional, just tell the story.

Pg 85, need space on scene heading.

Pg 86, throwing soup can, and bitch. Lol, I think u snagged that from scary movie with the homeless guy. But with this funny, but it the tone of the movie just shifts from pg to like pg-13, minus the small curse words b4

Pg 103 ben (os) needs periods

107, � I scored� reminds me of sandlot. Is this who you molded oliver from?

I assume you wanna sell your script, if so, loose the fade out and fade in pg 112 and  �we � see� and �the end�

I think you could loose the beginning mom at work scene, doesn�t do anything for the plot. Look at it. If you took it out, you wouldn�t miss it. You can add dialog when she gets home, to where she is working.

Over all, I LIKED IT! Good humor and wit. I liked how you used our vader scene, to be incorporated. Cleverly creative. I could diffenately sit and watch this as a movie. Far as going to movies to watch, I wouldn't. Like sandlot, I wouldn't watch at big screen either, just doesn't have the draw for me to pay. But yours is a word of mouth type of movie. To me at least. But yea it is good story and plot.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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greg
Posted: September 22nd, 2006, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Hey thanks for your review, JD!  I see what you're saying and agree with the word of mouth type of film, but that goes with the territory when selecting the target market.  I guess it's both a gift and a curse.

Regarding the centered dialogue--I printed out one page from several acclaimed pieces on this site--The Devil in D Minor, The Burnout, The Hero of Her Heart, The Farm and The Fempiror Chronicles as well as a page from Scorsese and compared the hard copies.  Bert said it's probably not a big deal and I agree.

Each work looks slightly different on paper, not only the centering of dialogue, but also text-wise.  None of them look alike.  So, I'm not too worried about it.  Tomato, tomahto.


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dresseme
Posted: October 16th, 2006, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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As I like to do, I've reached the first Plot Point, so I'll jot down a few of my notes right now.

Honestly, it hasn't really hooked me yet.  It's a great premise, it just seems to fall flat at every corner.  You've gone all the right directions, and just when I'm getting excited, it comes short of actually doing something great.  For example, the auditions could have been a really great gag, but I found all of them really pointless.  If I were looking at the outline for your script I'd say "Hell yeah, this looks great!", but when I actually look at what you've got...like I said, it falls flat for me.  But that's just me.

But I am interested and will continue to read.  I'm sure right now it would be an enjoyable film to watch, but it wouldn't really be funny and I would still feel (up to this point at least) let down by what it could have been.  The only part I laughed at was the "communist" joke.

I hate being so negative, because I always fear (much like in film school) it'll propel people into taking my scripts and tearing them apart, but why else would you put them in the public forum?  Like I said, it has the makings of a great comedy, but I just don't think (right now) it's there yet.

But I continue on...
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greg
Posted: October 16th, 2006, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Matt, thanks for your feedback thus far.  I'm sorry I couldn't entertain you more.  Hopefully the rest of it can do something for ya.  I look forward to the rest of your review and words!


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dresseme
Posted: October 17th, 2006, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Ok, I finished your script.  Overall, I didn't end up liking it too much.  Like I said, your structure was fine, but it fell flat.  It really seemed to start to drag near the third act, and it definitely shouldn't have been that long.  I guess my biggest problem was that you relied too much on basic Hollywood devices that have been used too long; for instance, the EXTREMELY happy Hollywood ending.  I know this is a kid's/family movie, but the ending was way too over the top and cheesy.  I really liked where you were going with Rex's film getting a standing ovation (completely unexpected and funny--and also the film itself), but then you relied on standard conventions.  And the way that EVERYTHING ended so happily was just too much for me.  The dad's computer gets fixed and all of a sudden they have thousands of dollars?  Why couldn't the dad call these people and talk with them?  There are few businesses where you operate solely by a computer.

More critiques:

Overall I really just didn't like the running computer technician gag.  It was really drawn out, was mildly amusing the first time, and then just started to drag.  And, as you can see above, I didn't really like the pay-off either.

p.88----Why does the person give him the finger?

I know this is a comedy and there's suspension of disbelief, and most people don't know how film festivals work...but no film festival works this way.  I've been to several and none of them operate in this manner. But that's a very minor gripe and can easily be overlooked.

I guess, in the end, I wish you had strayed from basic Hollywood conventions.  Your movie was just VERY textbook and I could see where it was going at every direction.  As in, "Here comes the part where all of the characters experience a period of change and grow towards the end of the movie." This would have been fine if it didn't fall so flat with dialogue, etc.  I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I guess the script just didn't do it for me.  But it seems as though other people like it, so perhaps I've just in the critical minority.  Also, it's a kid's movie.
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greg
Posted: October 17th, 2006, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Hey Matt, thanks for reading!  I do have some responses to your feedback, so don't take them the wrong way, I'm not trying to be an ass.


Quoted Text
...but no film festival works this way.


Little out of textbook there, isn't it?


Quoted Text
Also, it's a kid's movie.


It seems like you're reviewing this on the basis of that you don 't like "that" genre.  I quote "that" because this isn't a kid's movie for one.  It stars kids, yes, but it's not aimed soley at kids.  I compare it to the same target market as "The Sandlot" which has the occasional curse, boys will boys thing.  That's more of a family oriented-friendly comedy, not soley for kids.


Quoted from dresseme


This would have been fine if it didn't fall so flat with dialogue, etc.  I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I guess the script just didn't do it for me.  


Could you provide examples of where dialogue fell flat and all that other stuff?  That would be most helpful for me to see where you're coming from.  Your feedback is probably very valuable since you didn't like it, so that could help me out with some things.

Again, much appreciated.  Thanks.  I'll try to have a review for your piece up by the weekend!


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dresseme
Posted: October 17th, 2006, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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What I meant by "textbook" was the conventions you use to structure your story.  Like, how I pointed out that everything just seems to fall into the exact place it would if a screenwriting professor was teaching a class.  He would say "Ok, here's where you have the hero fall, and then you have him rise...and then conflicts are resolved, and everyone goes home happy."  I just wish, at times, it would have strayed from where I thought it was heading.  Having a film festival that doesn't follow the actual rules of a film festival isn't anti-textbook, it's anti-reality.

And I reviewed this as I would any film.  I never really thought "Well, I shouldn't think that because this is a kid's film."  I just kind of added that as an afterthought when I had written the review.  But it is a family film.  And I meant that in the way that family films can usually slide by on being text book, etc.

I'll go back and look for examples of the dialogue that didn't work for me later.  Look, I don't want us at each others throats.  It looks like, from your response that you're a little upset.  But what you should consider is that my review is one bad one out of a bunch of good ones.  Everyone won't always like what you do.  My script has been getting really good reviews, but I've received some bad ones too (off the board) and it makes me feel like shit.  But when was the last time EVERYONE agreed on liking a film? (Besides Jurassic Park)
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greg
Posted: October 17th, 2006, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't mean to sound like I was going at your throat, Matt!  I'm upset that it didn't do anything for you but I'm not upset at your review. I could have decorated my response with smiley faces but that's not my thing

No, but I appreciate all feedback and negative feedback is more ample to correct problems that others don't catch, which is why I requested examples rather than just saying "fell flat" without citing.  

No worries though.


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Alex J. Cooper
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First stop at my tour of recommended scripts. I've got myself a list of scripts to read and Scorsese Club was certainly a good introduction. There were a few bits that made me laugh out loud, like the Star Wars parody, but i did find a few jokes that didn't work for me. The interview bit for example. I didn't see a point to it. Also, Rex's attempt to sabotage The Scorsese Club came off a bit short and kind of seemed irrelevent since Chuck and Oliver had already left. The club did more damage themselves than what Rex did.

The characters were all great. Rex and Gino seemed like fine antagonists. Especially Gino, a kiddy mafia! hilarious. One character that i thought could have been a whole lot better was Dimitri. I just figured if he was Russian his english wouldn't be perfect and he'd have a different view of things... meaning he'd speak of Russian traditions..

The story was a great one and played out well...

I should've wrote notes while reading this because I've forgot a whole lot of stuff I was going to say. Ah well, I might revisit this when i finish my tour. Good work!


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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