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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Scorsese Club Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Scorsese Club  (currently 23362 views)
greg
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi everybody and thanks Don for posting this!

Added my James Bond opening, took away some shtuff, and also McClung or Tony pointed out that "The Scorsese Club" doesn't actually come around until around page 45.  So I pushed that up 20 pages, but I guess if there's any new readers I'm more focused on how I can chizzle this down 5-10 more pages.  Criticism always welcomed.

Thanks!


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Shelton
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
And for the record, I hope Shelton reads this, DIMITRI PIP COULD KICK JOHNNY'S ASS!



Well, I'm about two months behind, but I'll start off by saying that Dimitri Pip just isn't cool enough to come up with a word like shitass, which is entirely beside the point, because once the "flaming balls" come out......GAME OVER



EDIT:  And Tomson has twin 18 year old daughters?!?!??!   Please pass this message along.

"Hey, How you doin?"  


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Higgonaitor
Posted: May 4th, 2006, 12:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton



Well, I'm about two months behind, but I'll start off by saying that Dimitri Pip just isn't cool enough to come up with a word like shitass, which is entirely beside the point, because once the "flaming balls" come out......GAME OVER



Guys, guys, lets settle down.  We both know that if Demitri and Jonny got into a fight chuck norris would come and kill them both, flaming balls and all.


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greg
Posted: May 4th, 2006, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton


Well, I'm about two months behind, but I'll start off by saying that Dimitri Pip just isn't cool enough to come up with a word like shitass, which is entirely beside the point, because once the "flaming balls" come out......GAME OVER



Are you kidding me?  Let me tell you something, "Shelton," Dimitri practices Zen and he'll fix you up just like he fixed Ben's computer; HE'LL SMASH HIS HEAD ONTO YOUR FACE!


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Shelton
Posted: May 4th, 2006, 12:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg


Are you kidding me?  Let me tell you something, "Shelton," Dimitri practices Zen and he'll fix you up just like he fixed Ben's computer; HE'LL SMASH HIS HEAD ONTO YOUR FACE!



Why is my name in quotes?  Is my name not actually Shelton all of a sudden.  Huh, "Greg"?

Why can't you just accept the fact that my character is funnier and quirkier than yours and move on with your life, in the hopes that someday you too can achieve the character creating greatness that is possessed by one, Mike Shelton?

Ok, we're starting to get out of hand.

Cool script.

Hi Tomson's daughters!

Steve Nash rules!


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TAnthony
Posted: June 20th, 2006, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg I promised you a review and here it is.

Dude, I absolutely loved your script! I was laughing the entire way through. Your characters are hilarious. All of your characters had some trait that made them funny.  I think Oliver was my favorite one. I was just hoping that he would speak so I could read him talk with his lisp. What makes them so cool is because probably everyone who reads your story has a friend that is pretty close to the same person.

I do like the little sub-plot with the technicians and all, but when Stephen is getting into that huge brawl with them, and Ben is engaging with the Mafia... I don't know. If your film is ever produced (which I'm sure it will) it's going to be a family film. And having a huge fist fight in the middle of it might sort of send the wrong message to the viewers. If you can come up with more of an inventive way to have them fight then do it. But an all out fist fight is a bit too much.

A lot of people probably have a problem with this, but the judges at the end were hilarious to me. I think you could go even more over the top. This might not make much sense, but the disses the judges have now are in between nice and mean. You need to go all out on those poor kids, and send them home crying. That doesn't sound right at all, but just think that over.

The scenes with Jodie in the grocery store were also very well written, but when she threw the can at the customers head... I just wasn't too sure about that.

Passion 2! Hahah now that was funny. Mary fighting off all those Roman soldiers. Ha! That was hilarious!

With Martin Scorsese showing up at the end and helping them film their new version of "Shaft" might be funny. I think it would be better if they did a remake of one of his films. Since Goodfellas is mentioned earlier on, that could be a possible candidate. Or maybe the part in Casino when Joe Pesci is beaten to death by bats. Wait scratch that this is a family film.

The only other problem I saw was that your script will probably end up being two hours long, and that's a tad bit too much for a family movie. Cut out anything that doesn't move your script along. Maybe some of the technician arguments, or Dimitri hitting on girls.

Overall great job, and I hope to read more from you. By the way this is the first time I read a script two times because I liked it so much.

Good Luck.


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greg
Posted: June 20th, 2006, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Wow!  Thanks man!!!


Quoted Text
What makes them so cool is because probably everyone who reads your story has a friend that is pretty close to the same person.


Exactly.  Considering all the guys in TSC are based off real people.  It's relatable.


Quoted Text
I do like the little sub-plot with the technicians and all, but when Stephen is getting into that huge brawl with them, and Ben is engaging with the Mafia... I don't know.


Damn! I must be the only person who thinks this can work.  Oh well.  I'll probably definitely have to work around Stephen's encounter with the techs, but Ben is mostly just giving wedgies and kicking dirt and stuff.  He's a man of peace.


Quoted Text
The only other problem I saw was that your script will probably end up being two hours long, and that's a tad bit too much for a family movie.


Yeah, those damn 116.  I've had some time to think about it so I have an idea of stuff to cut like chizzling the conversations with technicians, cutting out some dialogue, etc.


Quoted Text
Overall great job, and I hope to read more from you. By the way this is the first time I read a script two times because I liked it so much.


You're too kind

Thanks again for your review and taking the time to check this out.  I'll get to your piece soon enough, but I'm still juggling classes and other things.  But I will get to it soon!  


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tonkatough
Posted: June 26th, 2006, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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I am surprised there are not more scripts like this with the current technology available for amatuer movie making. And it is so simple to use that kids can make movies. I am even more suprised that movie making isn't a huge fad amongst kids at the moment. maybe the price for the equipment is still a little to dear for their parents to buy it as a christmas present.

You have a good idea with this script and you have created a very entertaining story with it.

You have used all the building blocks needed for a good structured story. Particularly with "Raising The Stakes" I struggle with that when I write but you have mastered it. I envy you.

The movie making scenes where fun and chaotic as movie making should be. To many opinions cause good conflict, drama and humour.

I am a sucker for a villain so Rex was my favourite and his dirty tactics to eliminate (buy them out)  the oppostion  was awsome. Rex's infiltration of the group and sabotage was some of my favourite scenes in the script.

Dimitri I take it was supposed to be the intense character like Kramer or Febe or Cartman. I could see what you where trying to do with him but I found it a little weak and it did not work for me.  I reckon you could crank him a lot more, have him boucing off the walls so to speak.

The punch line at the end of ths script is priceless. I can't remember the last hollywood movie i have seen on DVD that had such a funny end scene as you do in your script.

Oh yeah, what is your favourite Scorese movie of all time? For me it would have to be Birng Out The Dead, the one about the paramedics. man I loved that movie.    


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greg
Posted: June 26th, 2006, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough


Dimitri I take it was supposed to be the intense character like Kramer or Febe or Cartman. I could see what you where trying to do with him but I found it a little weak and it did not work for me.  I reckon you could crank him a lot more, have him boucing off the walls so to speak.



Hahahaha!  Thanks, man!  I didn't even think of that when I wrote his part.  That made my day

Thanks for taking the time to read and thanks for your review.  Much appreciated.  As for my favorite Scorsese film?  Hmmm.  I really liked Gangs of New York and Goodfellas.  Bringing out the Dead was a great film too!  


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greg
Posted: July 3rd, 2006, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for getting the new draft up.

Much has changed since the earlier versions of this.  I've cut down the page length, taken out the adult language(there's still some cursing by the kids, come on, even the Sandlot had cursing), and cut out some empty dialogue.  And I've taken out the punches in the sequence where Stephen attacks the technicians so it's more of a scuffle now along with some other rearranging and stuff.  I try my best to read someone else's writing if they read mine if anyone is interested.

Thanks everyone!


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: July 6th, 2006, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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Heh, I really liked this one. You had some funny parts worth a chuckle here and there and a good story. I rooted for the guys and really hoped they finished the movie. But I had read a previous draft of it and I liked Oliver's last line "thish ish for being in Shark Tale!"a lot better than the one you used in this one.

Another thing that I suggest is to maybe make the characters a bit younger. Like 11-12 years old max. Not long ago I was 13 years old and I don't remember me or anyone else for that matter being that interested infilmmaking. Liking Film is one thing but to go as far as for them to enter a contest at that age seems a little, I don't know the word, "far-fetched" I think. Anyway, just a friendly suggestion.  
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greg
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Beast!


Quoted from ReaperCreeper


Another thing that I suggest is to maybe make the characters a bit younger. Like 11-12 years old max. Not long ago I was 13 years old and I don't remember me or anyone else for that matter being that interested infilmmaking.  


Eh, depends on the person.  I wanted to do that stuff when I was 13 but never made it that far, but obviously that would make a pretty crappy story otherwise.  

You should go talk to Rapture.  He's doing more than Ben Flanagan ever was =S

Anyway, thanks again!


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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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okay, this is script number 6 for me today, and my eyes, my precious eyes, are bulging, but that's okay cause this script made me smile.

This was quite a funny script, you got these kids down pretty good.

God I hated Rex, what a shitty little cunt fuck he is, I wanted to bitch slap that little twat.

I liked the stephen, steffon, stuff was pretty funny, but I think his sub plot goes on a little to much, maybe cut down on that a little.

Of all the kids I liked Dimitri the most, I knew a kid wo was like that, thought he could get any girl he wanted, and seriously, the kid couldn't get laid in a mourge.

I liked the whole "production" part of the script, like how these kids really didn't know what in the heck they were doing.

I liked Oliver and how he talked, for some reason he reminded me of Paul Rubens in Mystery men.

The scene where they were trying to come up with a name was great

on page 70 you have Stephen say "get your ass out of my house before I CONTACT your parents"

that seemed kind of wierd to me, the way it was phrased, maybe more lik "Get your ass out of my house before I CALL your parents"

Passion of the Christ 2....HA

Now I knew how this script was going to end, maybe it would have been cool if they had lost like in the bad news bears, I dunno, it would be different and throw people off, but that's just an idea.

all in all this was a fun neat script.  Good job

Oh and the atomic wedgie.....someone watches Seinfeld   funny stuff


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greg
Posted: July 9th, 2006, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan, thanks for the read!  I think some of the things you said were funnier than the story itself


Quoted Text
God I hated Rex, what a shitty little cunt fuck he is, I wanted to bitch slap that little twat.


hahaha


Quoted Text
Now I knew how this script was going to end, maybe it would have been cool if they had lost like in the bad news bears, I dunno, it would be different and throw people off, but that's just an idea.


I did consider that because then I think it would really mold the characters better and you'd be able to really see that they learned something at the end.  Maybe they lose, but they still act like men and put aside their differences and Ben still gets to do his remake of Shaft.  That way everybody wins.  Heh, now I have stuff to think about, damn it.  


Quoted Text
Oh and the atomic wedgie.....someone watches Seinfeld    


That's a universal middle school theme and you know it!!!  I got wedgied once in the locker room.  It wasn't atomic though.  I'd say it was just a homing missile because it was right on target haha.  Oh man, memories.  

Anyway, thanks again for the read.  I shall read something of yours next as I like the read-for-read system.  Keep in mind though I'm horribly behind in my reading, so it will take some time, but it will get done!


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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 9th, 2006, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg


That's a universal middle school theme and you know it!!!  I got wedgied once in the locker room.  It wasn't atomic though.  I'd say it was just a homing missile because it was right on target haha.  Oh man, memories.  



Dude I swear, not until Seinfeld did I ever hear of an atomic wedgie, in fact, I have never seen anyone get a wedgie on my life, how sad huh


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