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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Scorsese Club Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Scorsese Club  (currently 23974 views)
greg
Posted: January 30th, 2007, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alex,

Cool, thanks for the random read!  I'm glad the story worked out for you!  


Quoted Text
One character that i thought could have been a whole lot better was Dimitri. I just figured if he was Russian his english wouldn't be perfect and he'd have a different view of things... meaning he'd speak of Russian traditions..


Haha.  Most people see Dimitri as their favorite, but hey, it's great to get some different opinions!  I see where you're coming from, but I didn't want to make his dialogue completely broken, but perhaps I shall add in a few speech impediments or something.

So thank you again for reading and for the feedback!


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greg
Posted: February 9th, 2007, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, I got an update here.

A few weeks ago I received an e-mail from a woman in Mississippi named Addie and she asked if it would be okay to film this with her youth group, and I gave her the OK to go ahead.  We've been in close contact ever since and so far the early stages of pre-production are looking most excellent.  I've seen pictures of some of the folks that will appear in the flick including the four guys who will play Ben, Chuck, Dimitri, and Oliver.  I've been asked not to post their pictures/names unless they say it's okay.

Since this is a non-profit deal, no rights were given up and I made it clear that if this was just for fun and the experience and nothing else(i.e. festivals, profit), then that's okay, and Addie's a great gal so it works for her in a sense that her group can make a film and I can see my stuff on video.  They've put on plays and whatnot before, so they do have the talent and from the info that Addie's been sending me, I'm very impressed with the direction it's going.  

So, just thought I'd post that up here.  If I get the OK from the actors I'll put the pictures up as well.  

And thanks to Tyler Hawk. and JD who gave me some encouraging words in some PMs last week regarding competitions.  It was most inspiring and I hope to do so this year.

End update.


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JD_OK
Posted: February 10th, 2007, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
Hey, I got an update here.

A few weeks ago I received an e-mail from a woman in Mississippi named Addie and she asked if it would be okay to film this with her youth group, and I gave her the OK to go ahead.  We've been in close contact ever since and so far the early stages of pre-production are looking most excellent.  I've seen pictures of some of the folks that will appear in the flick including the four guys who will play Ben, Chuck, Dimitri, and Oliver.  I've been asked not to post their pictures/names unless they say it's okay.

Since this is a non-profit deal, no rights were given up and I made it clear that if this was just for fun and the experience and nothing else(i.e. festivals, profit), then that's okay, and Addie's a great gal so it works for her in a sense that her group can make a film and I can see my stuff on video.  They've put on plays and whatnot before, so they do have the talent and from the info that Addie's been sending me, I'm very impressed with the direction it's going.  

End update.


Hey thats great man! I'd would definitely want to see this finished film!

http://www.internationalscreenwritingawards.com/enter.asp

i'm going to enter my 3rd draft to this competiton and blue cat. You should enter both or if only one.. do page international. They have seperate winning categories!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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greg
Posted: February 10th, 2007, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey JD, I'm glad you brought this up!  The regular submission date is a little over a month away and I like what I see here.

The question here though is would I send it as a Comedy or Family Film?  I'm just a poor college student and initially would just select one category, so I'm thinking Family Film since this is a friendly comedy and whatnot.  Thoughts?

Thanks again for bringing this to my attention!  We shall rock this thing!


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JD_OK
Posted: February 10th, 2007, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
Hey JD, I'm glad you brought this up!  The regular submission date is a little over a month away and I like what I see here.

The question here though is would I send it as a Comedy or Family Film?  I'm just a poor college student and initially would just select one category, so I'm thinking Family Film since this is a friendly comedy and whatnot.  Thoughts?

Thanks again for bringing this to my attention!  We shall rock this thing!


They said for lil more you can enter into 2 categories. So if you dont make it in cmedy, you could make it in family.

Im doing 2 catergories to increase my chances. I would suggest that to you aswell if you can afford it.

But for as Family, I do remember alot of cussing, and in my review wrote it went from PG to like pg 13 at one point, when I read it last. I dunno if you changed it since then. So I would tone down the cussing to fit the family categorie, cuz they might count you off for it.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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greg
Posted: February 13th, 2007, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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The fellas who are gonna star in the film have given their consent to post their photos, but I've been asked to withold their names, so I shall abide by those wishes.  Without further ado:


Here's Benjamin J. Flanagan(Ben).  The dude listens to excellent music, so that's a plus.  Thought I'd throw that out there.


Charles M. Mills(Chuck)


Dimitri Smolvonlon-boo-boo Pip


Oliver Kemp

I saw a more recent photo of all the guys together and I think they look like a great group; very faithful to the original 4 that they're based on.  Word is that they've done a few readings of the story and things are going most triumphantly.  

While this is going on, I'm also going to enter this into the PAGE International deal next month.  I may bite the bullet and enter it in Comedy/Family Film, but if not then I'm gonna take out the rest of the dirty language and enter it as a family film.  Hopefully that'll hit its niche.  

I'd also like to thank every single person for their feedback on this piece.  The story has come a long way for the better since it was first posted back in 2005, and I owe alot of that to the sharp feedback that was received.  You all are most excellent in my eyes!  


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JD_OK
Posted: February 13th, 2007, 1:53am Report to Moderator
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Cool man, they look great, but alil older then I imagined them. Look forward to scene stills.

Yea and its only $10 more to enter into another category. $40 for 1 category , $50 for 2categories


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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JD_OK
Posted: March 28th, 2007, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey whats the word with the makin of the film? Its been close to 2 months since the pics!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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greg
Posted: March 28th, 2007, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Newton, haha

Alot of pre-production measures have been taken.  Addie revised the script so it would be shootable for her crew(taking out a couple characters and taking out any offensive lines, since it's a church youth group it needs to be clean, not that I'm complaining!).  The scripts were handed out to the guys and they've been practicing their parts, but there's been a small snag with the equipment, so filming hasn't begun yet.

I'm sure it will be worked out promptly seeing as how Addie has done a terrific job with organizing everything and staying in contact.  Any week now it should begin!

And for the record, I submitted the current "final" draft to PAGE International, just barely making the regular deadline.  So...that's that for now.  We shall see what happens!

Thanks again!


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aurorawriter
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg,

Thank you again for reviewing Fight Belle.  Here are my thoughts on your script:

*I like the opening.  The idea of these kids acting out James Bond is funny and I think the moment where they all take off their costumes makes for an entertaining visual.

*I don’t think you need the pronunciation guide to Stephen’s name.  It’s not that uncommon a spelling (Stephen King, for example) and it pulls the reader out of the story.  Either take the pronunciation out, or if it’s really worrying you that people might say it wrong, just change the spelling of his name to Steven.  AND you can still use the joke when the tech guy later mispronounces his name, because if English isn’t his first language it’s still believable that he’d say “Steffen.”  However, on page 36, the joke about “Stephon” doesn’t work as well because the Fat Technician is someone Stephen met in person – he would’ve introduced himself as Stephen and I think someone who’s met him in person would be less likely to make that kind of mistake, because they’d be hearing his name, not seeing it written.

*For some reason, when Stephen says “Buenos Noches” to the tech support person on the phone, it pulled me out of the story.  I think it’s because 90% of the time when I call tech support, I get someone who’s Indian, not Mexican or Spanish.  Just something to think about.

*The tech’s line – “Keep insulting me, sir, it’s really helping” made me laugh out loud.

*Dimitri’s a fun character.  The pick-up scene with the two girls is very funny, as is the later scene at the mall.

*Rex’s line “You ignorant patch of cabbage” didn’t really sound like a kid to me, more like a fussy old man.  On the one hand, it’s a funny thing to say, and you do have him talking more like an adult earlier, but there it seems more like stuff he could have picked up from the movies as he tries to figure out what a director sounds like; here it pulled me out of the story.

*There are quite a few places where you’re saying something in the action that can’t be shown.  It’s okay to do this occasionally, for emphasis – professionals do it sometimes.  But the place where it really jumped out to me is on p. 25 – you say that “Oliver is mesmerized by” Joanna, you say that Ben “struggles to stay professional,” etc.  It would work better if you came up with an action to convey the emotion you’re going for, like “Oliver ogles Joanna” for example.  Also, I’d lose the “Joanna laughs and sarcastically responds” line.  I think her dialogue is clearly sarcastic – you don’t need the adverb.

*For some reason, I’m not really getting that Ben and his friends are excited about filmmaking, just in general.  At the beginning, it seemed like Rex was the one who was really into it, and the others were along for the ride.  When they decide to do the contest, it seems to be more to show up Rex.  I think that Ben would seem more like a protagonist we could care about if he was really passionate about filmmaking, even at the beginning, and if Rex taking his camera and going home was a huge blow to him.  Later on, Jodie mentions Ben’s passion for filmmaking and I’m just not getting that at the beginning.

*I like the negotiation between Ben and Derek on page 36 – very funny!

*P. 46-47 I think this could be a very funny scene if you ramped up the physical comedy.  Instead of just saying that their fight choreography is “cheesy,” I would recommend describing it more vividly.  Like: “Chuck flails with his sword arm.  Derek trips over a rock.”  Stuff like that.  Describe the scene in detail and the readers will “see” it as they read.

*P. 57.  IMHO, the bit with Wallace asking for Oliver’s retainer as collateral doesn’t really work.  It’s not like he’d be able to re-sell it to make his money back.

*P. 65  Oliver leaving with his video camera is a good midpoint complication – however, I think it needs to happen a bit earlier in the script.  I think if you trim up some of your descriptions and the stuff with the computer, you can get it to about page 60 or so – which would be better for the pacing of your script.

Overall, here are my thoughts.  I think kids making a movie is a great idea for a film, and you’ve got the right idea giving them a competing team.  Structurally, I think your script needs some help.  In general, your turning points need to be bigger – higher highs, and lower lows.  Also, it seems like you’re going for a theme about money and how not having it can be difficult.  But the truth is, I didn’t pick up on that as the theme until really late in the script, and here’s why: the subplot with Stephen, Jodie and the computer doesn’t seem like it belongs in the same movie as all the filmmaking stuff.  The computer doesn’t have anything to do with your central plot—Rex asks toward the end if it’s the machine they’ll be editing on, but clearly it’s not, since it doesn’t get fixed until after the competition.  I think you’d have a much stronger script if you changed that – make it so it *is* the computer they need to edit on, and then have them use their ingenuity to find another way to get the film done.  Too, Ben doesn’t seem very stressed out by a lack of funds until he doesn’t get a birthday present, and since he’s your protagonist, your theme should be affecting him right from the beginning.

Another thing that would help is giving Ben what’s called a “misbehavior.”  It doesn’t seem like he has any real flaws.  My partner and I have worked pretty closely with someone who used to teach at Writer’s Boot Camp, and one of the things she really hammered home to us is that your protagonist needs to have a flaw, so at the end they can either embrace it (down ending) or reject it (up ending).  Ben needs a flaw, and for the story to really work, it should somehow relate to both your central plot and your theme.

Thanks again for letting me read, and for your thoughtful and detailed critique of “Fight Belle.”  If you have any questions or need clarification on anything, please just send me a private message and I’ll get right back to you.  


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greg
Posted: June 4th, 2007, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Aimee,

Thank you very much for your thorough and well thought-out review.  Another dude said earlier that this piece was, in essence, overly structured, so I think your comment may be a sign that the story isn't balanced enough one way or the other.

Anyway, thank you for your critique!  It's been a pleasure!


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aurorawriter
Posted: June 6th, 2007, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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You're welcome, Greg -- likewise!  Any time you want to trade reads again, we'd definitely be up for it.

Keep writing,

Aimee


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Don
Posted: January 31st, 2010, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Any Major Dude by Greg Baldwin - Comedy, Family - A quality film requires a strong story, workable equipment and talented actors. Unfortunately, Ben Flanagan and his crew don't have any of these. Along with his group of mischievous middle schoolers, Ben and company will compete against all odds to make a movie for the 2010 San Francisco Junior Film Festival and beat out their arch rivals for the ultimate prize!  108 pages

Complete re-write of The Scorsese Club - pdf, format


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Pete B. Lane
Posted: January 31st, 2010, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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I don't recall reading any previous drafts, but I do remember giving story suggestions long ago. I'll give this a read soon, Greg.

"Any Major Dude" sounds very familiar - is that a reference to something?

~Pete
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greg
Posted: January 31st, 2010, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pete,

Thanks for looking.  The title was inspired from a Steely Dan tune called "Any Major Dude Will Tell You" from the 70s.  It's a slow happy melody and one day after fiddling with titles for a while I felt this had a nice ring to it, as I think it also pertains to some of the story's themes.

To everyone else,

Big thanks to Don for posting this.  The original "Scorsese" script has a long history here and while the general story of these dudes making a movie is the same, pretty much all the backstory has been changed.  Some scenes are still intact(i.e. the opening James Bond sequence), but for the most part this is a new script.

Special thanks to Pia, Mike Shelton, Mike Jones, and James for checking this out beforehand.  Much appreciated, guys!

To anyone who decides to check this out, I hope you enjoy it.

-Greg


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