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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Gravy People Moderators: bert
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  Author    Gravy People  (currently 3297 views)
TAnthony
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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Wow this was one heck of a creative script. The script was funny, all the characters were different, and the ending was great. Around halfway through the script I realized that you were the same author of State Texas Population. You are so creative dude! I might have to check out Veteran Vista. Anyway onto your script.


SPOILERS-----------------------


Format/Spelling
-“EXT. Swamp trailer exterior – Morning” - There’s no need to have exterior twice.
-Characters names should only be capitalized once.
-I used to put scene transitions in my script, but a lot of people told me I shouldn’t, so unless you’re filming and shooting this on your own you should take them out.
-Sometimes in the script it would say something like Burt gets on his bike and rides off, and then the next shot would be of him riding down the street, then the next shot would be him finally at his destination. That’s completely fine sometimes, but others it’s just that sometimes it felt like there was no real purpose in doing that. We’d still get the point of the character making it to his destination.
-Pg. 82 “And you been doing it for two month now?” this should be written as “And you’ve been doing it for two months now?”
-On page 90 once again we understand they’ve left the manor.
-On page 99 Stein’s name is spelled wrong.
-Action paragraphs should never be longer than five lines.
-Pg. 106 just say the Gardner’s rake is stabbed into the Harvester’s head four times.
-Page 12 Burt says “Y’comin’ to mine tonight or…” I know what you’re saying, but you should say “Y’comin’ to my party tonight or…”
-Page 14 action description – “The olds woman’s taking her time.” Should be written as “The old woman’s taking her time.”

Descriptions/Characters
Sheriff Drayton and Burt had the funniest confrontations and they were all very well-written. The sheriff was a minor character yet I didn’t forget him. Another minor character the butler, however for me was bland. There should be something about him that doesn’t make him just a character on paper, but a trait that makes him just as memorable as Sheriff Drayton. What he was wearing wasn’t even described. Another character problem that I saw was Ceila and Leila. You were probably trying to do this on purpose, but they acted exactly alike, and they seldom disagreed with each other. I was thinking that you could really take one of them out and the script wouldn’t change much. Whenever you have a case like that you have to really wonder if both those characters are needed.

When Burt first goes to the snowy mountains it says he wonders why there’s snow. You should explain how he wonders why there is snow. Does he say something or does he have an expression on his face?

Dialogue
The dialogue was superb in a lot of parts. It was pretty funny mostly with the sheriff. Just small things sometimes too like the terminator bit, but there was one part that I found questionable. Whenever Stein forgets to think about his parent’s death or he shows no emotion about it the characters who talks to him questions him like once and then they accept his emotionless responses. If I was his friend I would’ve thought that they would’ve talked to him about it more.

The Final Stretch
When The Gardener appears it felt really corny. He just all of a sudden started spewing out stuff about Aliens and trespassing and what not. The idea was good, but it should just be said in a better way. When the Gardener became hostile I felt that all the dodging of The Gardener’s rake seemed a tad bit phony too, but I’m not sure how else you would write that. I really liked the way you described the Harvester.

Comments
-I wasn’t sure if there was a point to some of the dreams. I do kind of see Burt’s dream since he’s never seen the ocean, but I didn’t get Burt’s or Stein’s dreams. What made theirs significant?
-Pages 101 to around pages 107 got really tiresome to read. I’m not sure how, but try to spice things up.
-Great ending!


This was a great piece of writing, and just like State Texas Population it feels like you spent a lot of time on this one. You’re a great writer and another re-write or two Gravy People should be on it’s way to being something great.

Good Luck.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

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http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
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michel
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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I really liked your script too. It looked like a crossing between the Matrix and Craven's Freddy to me. I shouldn't think of him as a comedy, even if I can feel that sense. The gravey idea is a good idea, but did you think the worldwide translations. It could discouraged people to see your film. In others countries than USA or England, gravey is not really an everyday life matter and I'm afraid that the story could lose a bit of its purpose. Anyway, as TAnthony, I think your script needs another re-write to explore what's inside Cole's head. In my POV, this is too quick. I didn't really feel the characters in danger.

Tell me what you think about it

Michel


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Parker
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys for reading it. Glad you enjoyed it and I will get on reading your scripts as soon as possible.

TAnthony, you've risen some points there that I definitely need to think about. I do think now that the other's would talk more to Stein about his parents and his emotions. I'm almost certain the horror aspect at the end needs to be changed dramatically. The Gardener and The Harvester, I really want to keep them in the story but I will figure out a way to make thier presence less corny, as you say (I read The Gardeners intro and I see what you mean) .

Burts and Steins dreams, I will find a way to make them more significant deepening their characters a little on the way. The sisters in the story are, as you've said, deliberately similar. I'm not going to delete one from the story but I will somehow, or at least try, and create a difference between the two. Different ways of thinking, expressions and what not.

Oh, and about mentioning you might read Veteran Vista I wouldn't exactly recommend it. It's not a script I'm mighty proud of like the two you've read. It's so unrealistic in every aspect, it's hilarious. Hey, don't get me wrong, I didn't spend weeks on it for nothing, a few touches here there and everywhere, it could be okay but you can read it if you like. Not stopping you. You've reviewed two of my scripts brilliantly and I thank you for that. I will hopefully have a review of your Loud and Nasty script by the end of the week .

Michel, thanks for giving it a read. Again, glad you enjoyed it. You've mentioned something I would never of thought of about the worldwide translations part. I thought gravy was something every country around the world used frequently but I guess not. Though, it's not like I can do anything about it now, it is a story with gravy very much being the star in it but even though you've said the story may lose a bit of its purpose, I think people may be even more interested to seeing something they don't use frequently or have never used. I don't know, maybe other countries besides the US and UK may like the story better .

Anywho, as I say, thanks for the reads guys and I will get right on with yours ASAP!


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: November 26th, 2006, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jamie,

How much wacky tobackey was taken when this idea popped in your head....LOL

This is some crazy stuff, but it's also pretty good, but it does seem that the magic herb helped out a little bit



***************************SPOILERS THROUGHOUT*********************







First off you don't have to capitalize the character every time they are in a scene, just the first time when they are introduced.

"The recipe and instructions to the perfect vegetarian gravy"  ewwwwwww vegetarian Gravy

The first part with Sheriff Drayton felt kinda weird, the dialogue felt off.  Does this take place in the U.K or America?  I'm thinkin America cause I dunno if they got Sheriff's in the U.K  If so does this take place in the south?

The scene with Jarvis, Cecilia and Leila was pretty funny   So is the scene with the old lady

"It was at Whistler"  That's only a couple hours from me.  It's an awesome place

                                                  STEIN
          Don’t worry, it isn’t Canadian dope.


HEY!  WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!  >

I like the idea of going into some one's mind, and using gravy is pretty neat way to do it so good job there.

                                     STEIN (CONT’D)
          You wanna go explore?


that line didn't work for me, kinda sounds like what an 8 year old would say.

                                         BUCK
                    It’s not that Canadian marijuana is it?


YOU SAID IT AGAIN!   Are you knockin B.C bud....LOL, I don't do it myself, but that and Michael J fox is all we're famous for up here...LOL


This kinda reminds me of a movie called Dreamscape with Dennis Quaid, where these guys can go into other peoples dreams and stuff, it's really cool.

I thought the animated sequence was interesting.

I think the script gets a little too talky.  You could probably trim the dialogue down a bit here and there.

                                                     STEIN
          Sorry, dude, I though I’d gone deaf.


I think You meant THOUGHT

I did like how it gets a little darker at the end.  The last act has some pretty cool scenes.  I liked the bit with the Gardener and the Harvester.

I think this has a great visual element to it, I think that's the strongest part.  Sheriff Drayton really didn't work for me, I felt his character kind of bland, his dialogue was off most of the time.

I also think the script gets a bit talky from time to time, there are huge chunks of dialogue throughout.

All in all this is a very imaginative story that is never boring and has a lot of cool idea's.  Good work.







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Parker
Posted: November 27th, 2006, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Wow Jordan, it's been a while since this thread/script's been looked at. Thank you for that.

About the capitalizing all the names, I've gone through and changed them all... took me a while on word but I got 'em all done. Phew, there was proabably an easier way to change them but still...


ewwwwwww vegetarian Gravy


I've never had vegetarian gravy before because it sounds disgusting and weird... I thought it fitted well in my story that way.


Does this take place in the U.K or America?  I'm thinkin America cause I dunno if they got Sheriff's in the U.K  If so does this take place in the south?


It does take place in America and most probably the south. It's weird though, the responces I'm getting for different characters and different parts of my script because other's have said Drayton was their favourite character and I'm afraid to say that I've included him a lot more in the rewrite. I think I've gone over a few things with his dialogue though.


"It was at Whistler"  That's only a couple hours from me.  It's an awesome place.


Whistler sounds great. Hope I can go there sometime 'cause I love snow and I need to do some sort of extreme sport like snowboarding.


                                                 STEIN
          Don’t worry, it isn’t Canadian dope.


HEY!  WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!


Ha ha ha lol, that just popped into my head first! I figured I'd have it pointed out soon enough. Canadian dope just kinda rolled off the tongue.


This kinda reminds me of a movie called Dreamscape with Dennis Quaid, where these guys can go into other peoples dreams and stuff, it's really cool.


I've never seen or even heard of Dreamscape! Dennis Quaid is one of my all time fave actors though, I might have to check that one out.

Thanks for giving this one a read Jordan and glad you enjoyed it. The rewrite should be done within December (I hope) and I hope it's recieved even better than this one has. The ending has almost completely changed and the Sheriff is a lot more involved.

Thanks again.  


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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Steve-Dave
Posted: December 18th, 2006, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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I went into this expecting gravy, and he delivered on the gravy. So, kids definitely got integrity, I'll tell ya that.

SPOILERS AND STUFF...................................................................................

Anyways, this one's been in the back of my mind for a while, I wanted to see what this was all about and I liked it. The humor definitely started declining as it went along though. The first twenty pages or so I thought was really funny, but the humor was just sprinkled a little throughout the rest. Sheriff Drayton was my favorite character. I thought he was splendidly ridiculous, with all of his boil my balls stuff.

But I liked how you kindof experimented with intertwining different genres throughout. I appreciated that.

You definitely have to fix the capitolization of every name, and give it another once over for spelling as there were a few mistakes. Like 4 or 5 along the way. And the names is kindof confusing at first. Burt/Buck and Clara/Cecilia becomes confusing until you get used to all the names. And the capitolization doesn't help that much either.

I was also confused as to why they would alwasy start off a dream in Stein's head, but yet they had to go through the door at the end.

I also would have liked to know how they could always get out whenever they want. Is it just another door? But you'd always have them in the dream and then just waking up...so unless I just missed something I'd like to know how do they get out.

Cecilia and Leila laying with Stein in their underwear was a little odd to me. Was there any sisterly love going on? ewwwww.

There was also a LOT of description I feel you could do away with. ESPECIALLY at the end. Became rather tedious.

I also think you could have a little more fun with this concept and make the dreams a little weirder.

The gardner and harvester I thought was cool. I liked the "that was before all this Alice in Wonderland shit" too. I liked the particular brand of humor you used in this. Very witty.

All in all, I thought this was very interesting and imaginative, and I eagerly await a sequel...Tomato Soup People.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Parker
Posted: December 18th, 2006, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steve-Dave
I eagerly await a sequel...Tomato Soup People.


Ha! That made me laugh. Hey, never say never though. That name's catchy.

Thanks for the read anyways. It's kinda funny 'cause I'm almost done with the rewrite of this, and most of the things you've mentioned (spelling, capitalization) is dealt with. I hope.

I think you're the first, or one of the first to mention about the doors and stuff inside their heads and how they get out. That will hopefully be more explained in the rewrite. So much so that you get what's going on but you've still got these questions popping up every now and then. I think you'll also like that in the rewrite there is a lot more of Sheriff Drayton and I think you'll appreciate where he ends up. Not trying to spoil or advertise my first rewrite... but it's gonna be somethin' special! It's gonna be amazing! More laughs, more Drayton, more GRAVY!  

Thanks for reading Sryknows.  

Oh, and I know I haven't been reading lately so once I do (shortly) I know which ones to start with.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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Steve-Dave
Posted: December 18th, 2006, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Cool, it sounds like your rewrite's moving in the right direction. I'll probably check it out when it's re-released. I could just picture the dude with the deep voice who always does the movie trailers saying more laughs...more Drayton...more GRAVY! ...and then something explodes or something.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Parker
Posted: December 18th, 2006, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Ha yeah, I used the same "movie trailer voiceover guy" when I wrote that. He must be one rich dude by now... unless there's a load of them. I dunno. But thanks anyways, hope you can check the rewrite out sometime... when it finally gets done.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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